Need advice on talking to an aspie friend.

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GossamerLights
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07 Aug 2015, 11:18 pm

So a little background I've started hanging out with this aspie guy, and I'm also a full figured woman. He's nice and silly and a well intentioned guy but we'll be hanging out and he'll make off hand not intentionally mean comments about my size.

For instance "well you just take up more space than me" or "you know I've only been here with girls that are bigger and older than me". At the same time I know he's attracted to me so I know none of these comments are mean spirited.

I was wondering if any aspies out there had some advice on how I can talk to him about not saying things like that to me without having to go on depth about my history of being tormented and how bad these comments really make me feel.

Another concern for me is that usually when I have to broach subjects with my aspie BF or other aspie friends about something they're doing that might be wrong for me I get a lot of defensiveness or usually, even worse unintentionally rude comments that make me feel even worse.

I've gotten to the point where I'm afraid to talk about anything in that sense because I usually just get my feelings hurt more.

So I was wondering if any one here could tell me maybe if their friend had to talk to them about this what would be the way to hear it for you that would not hurt your feelings or make you feel like you were being attacked because I really don't want him to feel that way.

Thanks in advance everybody!



glebel
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08 Aug 2015, 4:31 pm

You have to bear in mind that we often say things that are blunt, without intending to be cruel. If I were you, I would just point out that what he says to you is hurtful. Sounds to me that you could help each other.


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izzeme
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14 Aug 2015, 4:53 am

We often make such comments in an attempt for humour.

Most aspies are very blunt in their communication, and appriciate others being blunt in return.
If your feelings are hurt by this guys comments on your weight and size; tell him so; don't hint at it but bluntly tell him "please don't comment on my size, it makes me uncomfortable".
That should trigger him to filter himself on this topic.



beakybird
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20 Aug 2015, 8:26 pm

As was said, the most direct response is most appropriate. Explaining that its hurtful even if that not how he meant it. This may create some confusion as to why on his part, but he knows hurt and doesn't want to inflict that on others most likely.

Your wording should be very clear and specific and free from as much innuendo and interpretation as possible. make sure its clear what specific things are hurtful, even an example or two. I know over the years I've developed internal rules to get by socially and its a long list. But once something goes on the "dont say" list, its pretty easy to remember not to even if I don't totally get why.

If he takes offense to that, then there's a good chance he'll be hard to hang out with all that much. Your emotional sensitivity seems very impactful so he may continue to encroach upon that.



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20 Aug 2015, 8:59 pm

Sorry about this. Us aspies can say some very blunt things, especially when we're not aware of a subject's sensitivity.

I'd try talking directly and honestly to him. It seems like you have a special relationship, and it's worth it to reply to him with the candor that he's using.


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cheryll
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21 Aug 2015, 4:28 am

Just gently tell your friend that it hurts your feelings a bit when he says such things. For me it's like there's no barrier between what I'm thinking and what comes out of my mouth. Then it's rare that I will think, 'oh, I shouldn't have said that.' because I never had any bad intention to start with so there's no reason to think I said something wrong. However, I have learnt not to say certain things or to be more careful through experience. I've been punched once, I've had people storm off crying, and I've been shouted at. Then I've had to ask the offended person why they acted like that or ask someone else why somebody would act like that, to understand that what I said wasn't acceptable. Therefore, I would prefer it if someone said to me nicely, 'you know when you say such and such, it hurts my feelings,' before they got to the stage of never speaking to me again, without me not realising what I'd done wrong.