L&D and other people who aren't Neurotypical

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Outrider
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13 Aug 2015, 1:44 am

What are your thoughts on Love&Dating when it comes to people who are also Non-NT?

I mean generally, and not any specific disability or disorder. Anything EXCEPT Aspergers/Autism.

Things such as Social Anxiety, ADHD, ADD, Borderline Personality Disorder, whatever.

I don't know if this thread will just end up being locked because it is a bit of a controversial debate, but I'll try:

1. What have your experiences been (if any) on a relationship with a Non-NT Non-Aspie person? I've heard some users here have had relationships with such people? Do you think it's made things harder, has it brought more positives or negatives?

I don't want to generalize or stereotype but I'd think sometimes that, depending on the disorder, the relationship just might be a very poor one.

2. What are your thoughts on this? Like, is it wrong or hypocritical of someone to not want to date another non-NT? Or do you just accept we can make our own choices and have our own standards?

I ask most of this because, I'm attracted to a non-NT non-aspie person myself. We get along decent and she's decently nice but...it's clear she does have a disability/disorder and some issues, and I don't mean this in a bad way but a factual way.

I'd just like to know what I'm getting into tbh. Yes it's different for everyone and depends on what her disability/disorder is, but I'd still like to discuss it.

What are your experiences, adults who have actually been in a relationship with a non-NT non-aspie person?

How did it come to meeting the family and all that? What kind of issues, etc.

I'll admit I'm kind of thinking too far ahead and over-optimistically, after all it's only a crush right now. But...things seem to be going well, and her best friend (also my friend) even suggested herself 'it may work :)'. She honestly thinks I'd be a good match for her. She dislikes males, very untrustworthy of them, etc. but she said I'm a decent guy, and could just be the one who shows her there are good guys out there. I am in the negative right now and completely disagreeing with her, but...hey...when you think about it.

And, of course we can make this a general discussion as well. Not just to apply to me but to anyone else who wants to talk about this stuff.

I would have expected myself to be completely shocked but, to be honest, when my crush began it wasn't that bad. It was just...'okay...so I like her'. Sometimes I am a bit disgusted by her, but only when she behaves inappropriately. But...in general...I accept majority of how she is for who she is pretty quickly.



314pe
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13 Aug 2015, 2:05 am

Neurodiverse person could be a good choice, because they might be more accepting of our quirks. Obviously, it's not always the case. I used to date a bipolar girl and she wasn't forgiving at all. She needed someone very typical. Right now, I wouldn't think twice about dating a neurodiverse girl, but I think that specifically looking for someone with problems is a bad idea.



rdos
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13 Aug 2015, 2:06 am

Outrider wrote:
1. What have your experiences been (if any) on a relationship with a Non-NT Non-Aspie person? I've heard some users here have had relationships with such people? Do you think it's made things harder, has it brought more positives or negatives?


Wife is mostly ADHD, but with a little bit of Aspie traits too. I think it is a bad idea to use diagnosed AS/autism as the references for "Aspie", so I prefer the term neurodiverse which also includes ADHD and a few other things.



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13 Aug 2015, 4:55 am

I sincerely can't understand why so many people don't seem to think being mentally diseased is enough to completely disqualify you for dating or having serious relationships.


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sly279
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13 Aug 2015, 5:41 am

I've found them to be the same as nts. they have the same superficial standards, wants and demands.

they may relate to you but they'll still look down on you as not good enough.

so treat her like nts.

hope it works out for the both of you. if you manage to find one whos not like the above then fight for her and if get her never let her go.



Outrider
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13 Aug 2015, 6:30 am

314pe wrote:
Neurodiverse person could be a good choice, because they might be more accepting of our quirks. Obviously, it's not always the case. I used to date a bipolar girl and she wasn't forgiving at all. She needed someone very typical. Right now, I wouldn't think twice about dating a neurodiverse girl, but I think that specifically looking for someone with problems is a bad idea.


Agreed sir, but when it sort of just 'happens' (as in, you just develop an attraction to them and you actually get along quite decent with them naturally), it's surely not a bad idea, is it?

Someone who can theoretically be tolerant of your flaws so long as you are capable of being just as tolerant? Hm...

Depends on the disability/disorder though, and even then it doesn't define who they are.

But I'm not the type to just ignore these things. She is a nice girl and all but I am well aware she has mental disabilities and not going to sweep it under a rug.

To be honest, I have always been a pretty tolerant guy, but even accepting her flaws is pushing it to the limit. So this is all new to me.

Like I said, I don't mean all this in a bad way. I don't think I'm above her or anything, but at the same time not ignoring it. Not sure what her disabilities are but learning difficulties, socially inappropriate, a bit over-emotional, etc.

Put it this way: She's 19 and still in high school, and apparently still going to be at my school next year as well...



Outrider
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13 Aug 2015, 6:31 am

rdos wrote:
Outrider wrote:
1. What have your experiences been (if any) on a relationship with a Non-NT Non-Aspie person? I've heard some users here have had relationships with such people? Do you think it's made things harder, has it brought more positives or negatives?


Wife is mostly ADHD, but with a little bit of Aspie traits too. I think it is a bad idea to use diagnosed AS/autism as the references for "Aspie", so I prefer the term neurodiverse which also includes ADHD and a few other things.


Neurodiverse, right. I forgot about that word mostly but thanks for reminding me what it is.

Quote:
I've found them to be the same as nts. they have the same superficial standards, wants and demands.

they may relate to you but they'll still look down on you as not good enough.

so treat her like nts.

hope it works out for the both of you. if you manage to find one whos not like the above then fight for her and if get her never let her go.


True...



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13 Aug 2015, 7:07 am

Waiting for some common female stories about a sociopathic-womanizer who swept them off their feet, and then later became physically-abusive(or worse).

But then again those types of people are usually passed off as being NT. :roll:



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13 Aug 2015, 7:15 am

Outrider wrote:
Sometimes I am a bit disgusted by her, but only when she behaves inappropriately. But...in general...I accept majority of how she is for who she is pretty quickly.


Disgust is a pretty strong reaction, and it might increase over time. I wouldn't jump into this relationship so quickly, imho.

I find it ironic that someone on the spectrum is bothered by socially inappropriate behavior. Is it extreme?



314pe
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13 Aug 2015, 8:30 am

Outrider wrote:
314pe wrote:
Neurodiverse person could be a good choice, because they might be more accepting of our quirks. Obviously, it's not always the case. I used to date a bipolar girl and she wasn't forgiving at all. She needed someone very typical. Right now, I wouldn't think twice about dating a neurodiverse girl, but I think that specifically looking for someone with problems is a bad idea.


Agreed sir, but when it sort of just 'happens' (as in, you just develop an attraction to them and you actually get along quite decent with them naturally), it's surely not a bad idea, is it?

Someone who can theoretically be tolerant of your flaws so long as you are capable of being just as tolerant? Hm...

I agree that it's ok as long as it's not the only thing that connects you. Sure people can be tolerant, but having similar problems doesn't necessarily make you more tolerant for them.



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13 Aug 2015, 6:24 pm

The 3 girlfriends i had were not NT & I think I connected alot better with them than I could with an NT


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13 Aug 2015, 6:30 pm

I never dated an aspie girl but I dated many of nt girls and they are caring.



Outrider
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13 Aug 2015, 7:44 pm

MjrMajorMajor wrote:
Outrider wrote:
Sometimes I am a bit disgusted by her, but only when she behaves inappropriately. But...in general...I accept majority of how she is for who she is pretty quickly.


Disgust is a pretty strong reaction, and it might increase over time. I wouldn't jump into this relationship so quickly, imho.

I find it ironic that someone on the spectrum is bothered by socially inappropriate behavior. Is it extreme?


I'm not bothered by some socially inappropriate behaviour, if anything some of it I support because they are logical to me.

Like why does everyone think you have to blow your nose when you are fine with just sniffing? I prefer how it is in Japan where using a tissue is rude.

And also I don't use forks and knives or anything for example.

I know what you're saying but it is a tad extreme, even for my own standards as a laidback aspie who doesn't follow many 'social rule' conventions.

It's just some mild disgust, not towards her but her behaviour, when my limit of tolerance is reached. Like I said it's kind of pushing it for me but I accept them for how they are 95% of the time.



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13 Aug 2015, 9:37 pm

There are some disabilities/conditions/cognitive setups that don't work well for me, personally. So for example, someone with ADHD (who definitely has the H) is probably not going to be a good fit for me, but might be perfect for someone else.

Having said that, I try not to see things too holistically, and rule out a whole group of people because they have a certain label. Rather, I have experienced dating people with certain traits and discovered that those particular traits are not compatible with mine. So, someone who is hyperactive a lot of the time does not suit me. That means based on that I would be cautious about dating someone with ADHD, because they would have the trait of hyperactivity. It's the hyperactive personality that I'm using to rule that person out, not the condition as a whole. Someone who was hyperactive, without having ADHD, would be ruled out in the same way. Not sure if I'm making much sense but I'm basically just trying to say that NT/non-NT isn't really a deciding factor, it's a lot more specific than that, as everyone has individual traits that may or may not be compatible with mine.



sly279
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13 Aug 2015, 11:18 pm

I also have ADHD, so I would probably be better matched with another ADHD provided they on similar level to me.



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14 Aug 2015, 4:47 am

Well...to my complete surprise...I now have a girlfriend. Things went very well today......this is my first relationship...and she's Neurodiverse...well...this will be interesting...

Okay, so them being neurodiverse has little effect on how good or bad the relationship will go, and it really is just up to what kind of person they are, you are, etc.?

Hm, question, as a young person when should you tell your family? Not that they have any disabilities or anything yet but that you have a relationship? Should you also mention they have disabilities to them or just wait?

Honestly, maybe this is a bad way of thinking but I wanted to only reveal she has disabilities and all that later on in the relationship. It's only the first day.

I mean like even if I visit her house maybe just let mum drop me off and not introduce her yet.

The last girl I went on three dates with but my mother only saw her face for the first time the 3rd and final date.

But yeah, I kind of just feel like acting/pretending I'm still in the 'dating/getting to know' phase and not actually in a relationship yet.

Maybe this is wrong. It's not out of guilt or shame or anything. I like her a lot and I'm so happy this happened, it's just...not sure when and how to tell the family...

You could say don't mention it at all, but then it would just surprise my family...like when I actually introduce her they might be taken aback by her behavior...