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248RPA
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01 Nov 2016, 7:17 pm

I feel like that there are people who really enjoy and care about me, but I just can't reciprocate the feeling to their level of intensity. For some people, I am completely indifferent toward them, but they seem to be really attatched to me.

When I was younger, I thought people who said that they were SO sad to say good-bye to me were exaggerating their reactions. I wonder if they were just doing things the NT way or if they truly do care that much about me. If they truly do care that much, then it scares me how easily I can let people go.


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Last edited by 248RPA on 01 Nov 2016, 8:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

racheypie666
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01 Nov 2016, 7:52 pm

I feel the same. For the most part I don't really connect with anyone, even 'friends'. When I think about my closest friends from school, I only genuinely liked/cared about (I suppose 'loved' in a friendship sense) 1 or 2 of them. I was aware of this at the time, that I didn't care for most of my social circle (who cared about me).

In the past I've acted out the behaviours of friendship without feeling anything. 'Friends' made this way often said things like 'you're the nicest person I've ever met', but it was just because I had no reason not to be. There was no humanity going into my niceness, just performance, and as such it wasn't disrupted by emotions/opinions/circumstances.

I find it very disconcerting when a person expresses affection for me and I don't - almost can't - feel the same way about them. If they're genuine about how they feel then I just don't get it; I don't get why they feel that way about me, or what they feel exactly. This goes for both friendships and romances; sometimes it makes me feel broken.

A guy keeps telling me he really cares about me and I just want to say 'why?', but I can't because that would come across as rude, cold, weird etc. (or worse, like I'm fishing for compliments). But I'm not, I really do not understand how he says he feels. And I can't for the life of me fathom how he came to feel that way, I've hardly seen him recently and when I do I'm very abrupt and non-committal.



androbot01
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03 Nov 2016, 8:31 pm

248RPA wrote:
I feel like that there are people who really enjoy and care about me, but I just can't reciprocate the feeling to their level of intensity.

Yeah, I feel the same way. I can be lonely in a room full of people. It never goes away. I'm trying to get used to it. It's hard though because the world so presses social reciprocation and constantly reinforces what I can never know.



monson86
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03 Nov 2016, 8:46 pm

I'm experiencing a connection for the first time in my life with my fiancé, but I do have to force myself to reciprocate the love and affection she shows me because it doesn't come natural to me, ironically this is not my first marriage, I was married to a women that I didn't love for 10 years and now I only get my 2 sons on the weekend, I got railroaded in court because of my mental illness, those boys are the only thing that ever truly mattered to me.


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randomeu
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04 Nov 2016, 12:51 pm

i dont really feel connected to most peoplke, barely even to my own family, like the world moves but im not apart of it. some people i do, and weirdly enough they are other autistic people. infact about a year ago i found my doppleganger. seriously, he dressed like me, looked like me and liked the same things, except he was (and i guess still is) a console gamer where as i am PC masterrace haha (which i dont understand.....the amount of technical problems we get, i really dont see whats superior).


i did once meet a guy whose "normal" and i thought he was AWESOME in everyway, we got on really well, like really well, and i actually felt happy for once, its like, i was looking for actual friendship, someone i actually have that normal friendship thing i see people have where they "get on like a house on fire" and for a while there, i had it, its amazing, but he doesnt talk with me anymore, he just....forgot about me even though i messaged him most days. i miss him, and ive been trying to get that back ever since but never have......sad really.


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questor
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11 Nov 2016, 7:43 am

I am in my mid fifties, and have never really felt connected to anyone, including family. I really don't know what it feels like, and am curious about it at times. I did feel sad when my mother was dying, but it was more from the stress of the time, as I had been her care giver for several years. However, I never felt connected or "bonded" to her. I can't understand the feelings of other people either. I recently had my legs checked for PAD, a circulation issue. My stepmom was with me. Although I do have some issues with my legs, I don't have PAD. When the doc told us that, my stepmom burst into tears. She has a friend who had lost a leg to that, and had been worried I might be headed that way. I can understand her feelings about her friend, but can't relate it to myself. I can't feel or "read" fondness or affection when it is directed to me. I have learned to observe body language, and words, to try to make an educated guess about it, but I don't receive the warm feelings when they are directed toward me. Unfortunately, I do receive negative feelings when those are directed toward me. I'm like a partially functioning radio receiver. Unfortunately, the stations one wants to receive don't come in on my "set," only the ones I don't want. I also don't feel affection toward others, and have to fake it with family members. I don't like faking it, but that helps keep things less stressful between me and the rest of the family, so I keep doing it. Don't know of any way to fix this. Apparently, I lack the programming or wiring to receive or feel warm feelings, other than in the abstract mode, and there is no way to fix this. :(


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dossa
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11 Nov 2016, 9:48 am

I don't exactly connect with other either. The best I get is a sense of duty, obligation, and/or pull to do right by them because I value them as human beings. That or getting obsessed with someone I find fascinating as all get out. Is it love? Is it a connection? I dunno, but it seems to be the closest thing to a connection with others that I get.

I have had several people in my lifetime express love/closeness/whatevers to me and I just kinda sit there like what? Really? Why? It confuses me when people I do not much interact with say affectionate things to me. I never know if they are being dramatic or nice or if they are being genuine and sincere. I have learned not to ask though because it seems to bother them when I do that. I might not be invested in those people, but I don't want to be mean and hurtful either. It makes more sense to me when the connect talk comes from people who interact with me on a more regular basis. But even then I do not feel warm fuzzies from them or for them.

I understand the concern over how easy it is to let people go. Things like that used to make me wonder if I was a sociopath or something. I just seem to lack the give a damn to get worked up over people going away. To make myself seem like a bigger jerk, my life usually improves when people go away... less people equals less stress for me. I 'broke up' with a friend I had for over twenty years, not too long ago. I kept waiting to feel something negative about the whole thing and all I did was feel better once she was gone. Things like that make me wonder what is wrong with me.


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Knofskia
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18 Nov 2016, 6:26 pm

questor wrote:
I can't feel or "read" fondness or affection when it is directed to me. I have learned to observe body language, and words, to try to make an educated guess about it, but I don't receive the warm feelings when they are directed toward me. Unfortunately, I do receive negative feelings when those are directed toward me.


I strongly relate to this. :cry:


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mathiebrungrand
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18 Nov 2016, 7:53 pm

dossa wrote:
I don't exactly connect with other either. The best I get is a sense of duty, obligation, and/or pull to do right by them because I value them as human beings. That or getting obsessed with someone I find fascinating as all get out. Is it love? Is it a connection? I dunno, but it seems to be the closest thing to a connection with others that I get.

I have had several people in my lifetime express love/closeness/whatevers to me and I just kinda sit there like what? Really? Why? It confuses me when people I do not much interact with say affectionate things to me. I never know if they are being dramatic or nice or if they are being genuine and sincere. I have learned not to ask though because it seems to bother them when I do that. I might not be invested in those people, but I don't want to be mean and hurtful either. It makes more sense to me when the connect talk comes from people who interact with me on a more regular basis. But even then I do not feel warm fuzzies from them or for them.

I understand the concern over how easy it is to let people go. Things like that used to make me wonder if I was a sociopath or something. I just seem to lack the give a damn to get worked up over people going away. To make myself seem like a bigger jerk, my life usually improves when people go away... less people equals less stress for me. I 'broke up' with a friend I had for over twenty years, not too long ago. I kept waiting to feel something negative about the whole thing and all I did was feel better once she was gone. Things like that make me wonder what is wrong with me.


I am sorry to hijack this thread, but dossa I would really like to ask you what happened with your friend of 20 years? I just asked a friend of 18 years to take a "break." I felt that I had no choice, as our interaction was emotionally exhausting for me. She also had had some recent troubles (divorce), but even though I was trying to be supportive I just felt like all of the time we have been spending together was tense and uncomfortable. And she was constantly angry with me, which is even more stressful.

In the past, I have also have worried that I am a sociopath because I am able sever long relationships easily. The only thing is that this is the last "close" relationship that I have with a female. I think that if I cannot figure something out, the universe is confirming that I won't be able to maintain friendships, let alone have a successful dating relationship.

If you don't mind, could you tell me a bit more about why you made the decision?


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dossa
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19 Nov 2016, 10:30 am

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I am sorry to hijack this thread, but dossa I would really like to ask you what happened with your friend of 20 years? I just asked a friend of 18 years to take a "break." I felt that I had no choice, as our interaction was emotionally exhausting for me. She also had had some recent troubles (divorce), but even though I was trying to be supportive I just felt like all of the time we have been spending together was tense and uncomfortable. And she was constantly angry with me, which is even more stressful.

In the past, I have also have worried that I am a sociopath because I am able sever long relationships easily. The only thing is that this is the last "close" relationship that I have with a female. I think that if I cannot figure something out, the universe is confirming that I won't be able to maintain friendships, let alone have a successful dating relationship.

If you don't mind, could you tell me a bit more about why you made the decision?


Yeah, sure. Though for the sake of clarity, I should probably also add that not only was she my friend for twenty years, she was also my girlfriend for about ten of those years as well. Anyway... She is addicted to prescription pills. Both pain meds and psych meds. She also goes on mdma, pot, and cocaine binges. She also has borderline personality disorder, bipolar, and back problems and something like schizophrenia (she hallucinates dead people and thinks she can talk to demons and curse people)... so yeah, that's a brutal combination. Over the last ten years she went downhill bad. I could write paragraphs about all the crazy **** she said and did... all the things she ignored or was too high to recall... just the person she became in general. Junkies, you know... I hit my done spot. To say she was draining was an understatement. The best I could muster to feel for her was some detached sense of contempt... which sucks because under all the crazy drama, she's actually a really neat person. She's brilliant, funny as all get out, charming, insightful, creative to an extreme... a lot of things I value in people. A lot of things other people value in/about her. She's totally shortchanging not only herself, but her husband and children. *shrugs* Quite a shame really...

I have told other people to go away for considerably less.. I mean, they were not messed up to such an extreme. I have done things like that since I was a kid.


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mathiebrungrand
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20 Nov 2016, 5:43 pm

Thank you for sharing that, dossa. This must be very difficult for you and I hope that the decision helps to reduce the stress in your life. My friend does not have any current addictions or personality disorders, but hearing your story does help. I will keep this in mind as I try to make my decision.


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InkOnPaper
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21 Nov 2016, 12:05 pm

Woah, that disconnection sounds like what i'm feeling-the only person i emotionaly really do care for is most likely my brother. i always thought I'm coldheartet. But it seems that i'm not?? I do care for people and I wouldn't want to harm them, but more objectively, I never had those warm feelings, never understood that amount of care people had/ have for me-like it was mentioned, I thought they were exaggerating. Of course people need positive support to function and such, i can laugh, but it seems that,well, I'm not that emotional. People also always comment on my drwaings,saying that they give them feelings. When I look at a drawing I can analyse the sadness etc. but I don't really feel it.
Even keeping track of a peronsons feelings is hard for me. I always try to use the things that i've learned about sozial functionning, but sometimes it gets rather obvious that i have no idea what's going on.
(And something off-topic. "Empty conversations" Is this what I think people do? Sometimes I want to talk to someone but they just talk like insiders , making references, laughing way too loud, talking about teachers and whatever.And i have no idea what to do. Do you guys know this?)
That's what the others said too, right? Does that mean I'm not alone? :V :V :V


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MamaFrankie5259
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21 Nov 2016, 4:05 pm

I just can't relate to people at all.


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mathiebrungrand
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22 Nov 2016, 1:36 pm

InkOnPaper wrote:
Woah, that disconnection sounds like what i'm feeling-the only person i emotionaly really do care for is most likely my brother. i always thought I'm coldheartet. But it seems that i'm not?? I do care for people and I wouldn't want to harm them, but more objectively, I never had those warm feelings, never understood that amount of care people had/ have for me-like it was mentioned, I thought they were exaggerating. Of course people need positive support to function and such, i can laugh, but it seems that,well, I'm not that emotional. People also always comment on my drwaings,saying that they give them feelings. When I look at a drawing I can analyse the sadness etc. but I don't really feel it.
Even keeping track of a peronsons feelings is hard for me. I always try to use the things that i've learned about sozial functionning, but sometimes it gets rather obvious that i have no idea what's going on.
(And something off-topic. "Empty conversations" Is this what I think people do? Sometimes I want to talk to someone but they just talk like insiders , making references, laughing way too loud, talking about teachers and whatever.And i have no idea what to do. Do you guys know this?)
That's what the others said too, right? Does that mean I'm not alone? :V :V :V


Hi InkOnPaper

Don't fret! I would bet that many people on this forum have been called under-emotional as well as over-emotional. I used to be called "cold" a lot (and my mom still calls me "numb").
Remember that the way that you display emotion may be very different from others. Just because your reaction may be delayed or sometimes even internal doesn't mean that you are cold-hearted.
It takes time to trust people enough to build genuine emotional connections (from my personal experience).
Oh, and as I have gotten better at socializing and reading people I have found that a LOT of these "emotions" that people display are not authentic. A lot of that stuff is for show and they have been taught to react in situations in a predetermined way. Caring for someone does not necessarily come in the form of warm fuzzy feelings, but rather a sense of loyalty, trust and dedication. But that is just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt.


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QuillAlba
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22 Nov 2016, 1:41 pm

I get what you are saying.

I either feel very little or EVERYTHING , no real middle ground.

I just try to make people smile and laugh, it's the only connection I seem any good at, and it gives pleasure to others and myself.

I'm probably going to die while performing a prank one day, seems a good way to go though.

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mr.freeze
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22 Nov 2016, 3:49 pm

248RPA wrote:
I feel like that there are people who really enjoy and care about me, but I just can't reciprocate the feeling to their level of intensity. For some people, I am completely indifferent toward them, but they seem to be really attatched to me.

When I was younger, I thought people who said that they were SO sad to say good-bye to me were exaggerating their reactions. I wonder if they were just doing things the NT way or if they truly do care that much about me. If they truly do care that much, then it scares me how easily I can let people go.


How about someone you cared for, someone who was important to you? Have you had feelings of attachment and affection towards those people?

The reason I ask is because I very much relate with what you are saying, but it is totally different for people I actually genuinely care about (of which there are few.) I'm not misanthropic, I'm usually just overwhelmed with my own needs. On top of that, I don't really know what others need unless they specifically ask me! When I try to do something for them it's either to inappropriate, late, redundant, or over the top.:(


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