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Summer_Twilight
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31 Jan 2019, 8:32 am

I currently ride the bus, but I am looking into driving because I would like my own car and my own space. I am usually quiet and keep to myself. Last week, however, I ended up connecting with another rider who is a man rides my route in the morning because he is going to the gym. As it turns out he has a lot of experience in the field I work in along with enjoying his conversations. So I have been trying to connect him with some networks of mine. We also have things in common.

However, as I have started talking to him, I have noticed the following things
1. He has been seeming to want to ride sit with me on the bus and the train ride and invade my space last week on a couple of occasions.
2. He also called me a "Good girl" this morning and that made my skin crawl
3. Today, he was asking me personal questions about why I keep my hair short. He also asked me if I was planning on staying in my city forever. Last week, he asked why I had a cat and why do they purr.
4. He began bossing me around about getting off the bus. "Just wait for everyone else getting off" so we could walk down together
5. He also touched my waist this morning by attempting to direct me into a train car when I was walking to the front of the train. I finally said, "No, actually, I am going to go," and walked into the usual car that I ride on when I take the train.

Any thoughts on this?



BeaArthur
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31 Jan 2019, 11:00 am

He is trying to get to know you. I don't see anything concerning in it. What seems like an invasion of your space may not be, in an NT world. But you are within your rights to set limits and stick to them.


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Summer_Twilight
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31 Jan 2019, 11:20 am

BeaArthur wrote:
He is trying to get to know you. I don't see anything concerning in it. What seems like an invasion of your space may not be, in an NT world. But you are within your rights to set limits and stick to them.



He seemed to be a bit nosy with me about things like "Why do I cut me hair?" I also want to change my last name to my aunt's last name after she died a few weeks ago because she was like my mom. The last couple of times he has been sitting with me on the train after the bus and I want some space. Then today, he touched my waste by trying to move me towards another car that I typically do not sit in.



BeaArthur
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31 Jan 2019, 12:04 pm

What do you want to have happen here?

If you cannot tolerate even as much boundary violation as he has already done, just stop sitting with him, or if he goes ahead and sits, tell him you have a lot on your mind and don't feel like talking. Listen to music with your earbuds or open a book. He should get the message pretty clearly.

If you enjoy chatting but need more alone time, you can tell him that. Just be sure you don't convey "go away forever," if what you really want is a connection but just not a super close one.


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Zinnia86
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31 Jan 2019, 12:39 pm

It sounds like he's making you feel uncomfortable, although as Bea said it doesn't seem like he's doing anything purposely threatening. I understand what you're saying, because I really hate having people I don't know well touch me or even stand very close to me. I usually explain to new acquaintances that I have a bigger "personal bubble" than most people and that they shouldn't take it personally since I feel the same with pretty much everyone (sometimes they do take it personally anyway but you can't control that).



Summer_Twilight
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31 Jan 2019, 8:42 pm

Zinnia86 wrote:
It sounds like he's making you feel uncomfortable, although as Bea said it doesn't seem like he's doing anything purposely threatening. I understand what you're saying, because I really hate having people I don't know well touch me or even stand very close to me. I usually explain to new acquaintances that I have a bigger "personal bubble" than most people and that they shouldn't take it personally since I feel the same with pretty much everyone (sometimes they do take it personally anyway but you can't control that).


@Bearthur - I had wanted to network with him and nothing else since he has done some work similar to my field because he said he is looking for a job as a counselor. I sent him information on where I am employed but he somehow didn't "Have time" but he somehow was more interested in looking me up. I also gave him other networks to contact but he hasn't reached out to them.

I forgot to mention a few other things
1. I am in my 30's and he is in his 60's
2. He has a wedding on his ring finger

As for the touching, he tried to steer me into another car on the train platform this morning the mass transit station.

Other red flags
1. The first day I met him he said that he was in grad school getting his master's in counseling and then next he said that he was taking a break because he had some personal issues to deal with.
2. He seems to be really nosy



BeaArthur
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01 Feb 2019, 12:10 am

Just say something about not liking to be touched. If he asks you more nosy questions, you can say sorry, it's personal. You don't owe him any explanations.


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Summer_Twilight
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01 Feb 2019, 8:40 am

BeaArthur wrote:
Just say something about not liking to be touched. If he asks you more nosy questions, you can say sorry, it's personal. You don't owe him any explanations.



Thank you very much, I will put my foot down with him and let him know that I am not interested the next time I have to ride the bus with him. I don't want to because the last couple of times I have talked to this man, something about him has felt off next to him making my skin crawl. I especially felt it crawl yesterday when we saw each other on the bus in how he talked and how he wanted to boss me around at the train station when the bus arrived.
"No, just wait until everyone else gets off" and then trying to steer me into that other car, which another friend that it sounded aggressive.

At the moment, I am taking an earlier bus so I avoid seeing and having to deal with him altogether. One of the main reasons is because I am at the early stages of grieving the loss of my aunt as she died a couple of weeks ago. I just feel that being around someone like him would contribute to my stress.



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01 Feb 2019, 9:09 am

Personal space has always been very important to me. I would never reach out and touch a woman, put my hand on her waist, etc even if I was single and attracted to her in the kind of situation you describe.



Summer_Twilight
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01 Feb 2019, 9:36 am

Magna wrote:
Personal space has always been very important to me. I would never reach out and touch a woman, put my hand on her waist, etc even if I was single and attracted to her in the kind of situation you describe.


I am usually very good and being careful who I talk to amid public transit like that and I let my guard down because
I had things in common with him and again, networking is a big thing among my friends and me.

He had no right to touch my waste like that and try to steer me into a car of a train that I was going to go in and particularly since we are just minor acquaintances.

Please do not judge me for this

Years ago, I made a similar mistake when I was 20 but I was even more naive with a man who appeared to share the same religious beliefs that I do. I had met him one time and we had a good time together. He told he was going out of town and to some VA hospital and get surgery. I cluelessly gave the address where I lived at the time, which was with my roommates. I didn't recall him giving me the address. Anyway, I got a nice letter from him and liked it a lot. Sure enough, I got on the wrong bus the next night and ran into him, which was only the second time. During that visit he rattled off a list of questions with me.
1. "Why didn't you write to me?"
2."When are we going to go to canoeing?"
3."When are we going to catch a movie?"
4."When can I come over to your house and hang out?"

I basically told him how "Busy" I was

Then later on, he wanted a hug and I started to give him one and then the next thing he sits next to me and gives me this hug and starts kissing my cheeks. He was also holding onto me. I said, "Get off me" and he goes,"No you're on me." I said "I need to get out" and then I got away from him.
I started avoiding him and he eventually faded and I never saw him again.



kraftiekortie
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01 Feb 2019, 9:49 am

This is a classic case of a man trying to "get" with a woman. Try to date her. Try to be her boyfriend.

If you don't want him to be your boyfriend. You have to "put your foot down," like the others stated.

Perhaps, you might even have to "invent" a boyfriend in order to get rid of him.



Summer_Twilight
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01 Feb 2019, 9:54 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
This is a classic case of a man trying to "get" with a woman. Try to date her. Try to be her boyfriend.

If you don't want him to be your boyfriend. You have to "put your foot down," like the others stated.

Perhaps, you might even have to "invent" a boyfriend in order to get rid of him.



I have invented boyfriends before and it usually works and I have learned to tell other men on the street, "I am not available." I will try that one as well as tell him that it would inappropriate for us to date being there is an age difference between us.

What about confronting him regarding the fact that he's a married man?



kraftiekortie
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01 Feb 2019, 9:56 am

That's a decent idea, too.

If you want to be friends with him, and he wants to be friends with you, you have to set boundaries.



KimD
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01 Feb 2019, 10:08 am

I don't think you need to discuss his marriage with him. It seems clear to me that he doesn't care, and there's nothing you can--or need-- to do about it. Besides that, it's never a good idea to get involved with a married person.

His controlling actions and touching (especially putting his hand around your waist) sound creepy. (FWIW, I'm an NT.) There's no reason to do that unless you're on a date or a dance floor.

Just put some distance--physical and social--between the two of you. If he persists, get away. Period.



kraftiekortie
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01 Feb 2019, 10:12 am

Just make sure he KNOWS that he can't touch any part of your body. Otherwise, he will "push the envelope" further and further.

If you give him a nickel, he will take a dollar.



Summer_Twilight
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01 Feb 2019, 10:21 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
That's a decent idea, too.

If you want to be friends with him, and he wants to be friends with you, you have to set boundaries.


I don't think it's a good idea to be friends with him and especially because I am a single woman while he is a married man.

KimD, yeah exactly, he wasn't doing it in the form of snuggling but more like he was mildly pushing me into a train car in the form of steering. "No come on," which is why I walked away.

Before that, he was doing his nosy thing in asking me if I was really planning on staying in my city forever. I told him what my plans were and he had this evil laugh sounded a lot like the villain from "Castle in the Sky" which was english dubbed by Mark Hammill. Then before he was getting pushy about what car to get into, he had the nerve to ask, "What's with the short hair?" To me, anyone who asks me about my short hair is not the type of person I want to associate with. That's just shallow.