My relationship-Looking for advice

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PotterJay85
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11 Feb 2019, 8:08 am

Sorry if this is the wrong place for this. I'm new to posting.

Anyway, I have some issues with my fiance and I feel that his behavior can become borderline emotionally abusive. For example, yesterday he wanted sex in the morning. He didn't overtly ask and I missed the hint. He's still pouting today and acting like it's something he's entitled to. He's been saying, "I wish I was your special interest." He's being extremely passive aggressive. I'm a first year teacher. It's a lot of work. I generally have to do all my planning on Sundays. It's been that way, but it was pissing him off yesterday. I actually don't gave much of a choice if I want to keep the job I worked so hard for 8 years to get. That's 4 years before I even met him. I told him several times that the first year is tricky. I think he'd rather me quit. I feel like he's tried to guilt me in to quitting too. He is totally ignoring the fact that I went through all the extra work of planning for a sub and securing them far ahead of time, so I could spend a kid-free day with him on Friday. He generally ignores things like that. He often slings baseless accusations of cheating. All this has been par for the course the last 4 years.

Is this just normal relationship behavior? I don't think I'm cut out for a relationship is this is the norm...



Magna
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11 Feb 2019, 8:19 am

Pattern.



magz
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11 Feb 2019, 8:33 am

It is defenitely not a normal relationship.
Nor a healthy one.
It actually looks like it's spiralling downwards into more and more serious abuse.

Run!


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niksah
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11 Feb 2019, 8:34 am

It's not normal for a relationship between two relatively well-adjusted adults. If you are not communicating anything to him to set expectations to the contrary, his behavior sounds at best really insecure, and at worst borderline narcissistic.



Last edited by niksah on 11 Feb 2019, 9:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

nick007
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11 Feb 2019, 9:27 am

I think he would be happier & better off with someone who has a much less demanding job than a teacher. My mom was a teacher sense I was little & she barely had any time for herself. She was always stressed out & busy & overwhelmed cuz of the extra work she had to bring home everyday. If your relationship is having these kinds of problems now, they're only gonna get worse after you get married.


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Piobaire
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11 Feb 2019, 10:04 am

PotterJay85 wrote:
Sorry if this is the wrong place for this. I'm new to posting.

Anyway, I have some issues with my fiance and I feel that his behavior can become borderline emotionally abusive. For example, yesterday he wanted sex in the morning. He didn't overtly ask and I missed the hint. He's still pouting today and acting like it's something he's entitled to. He's been saying, "I wish I was your special interest." He's being extremely passive aggressive. I'm a first year teacher. It's a lot of work. I generally have to do all my planning on Sundays. It's been that way, but it was pissing him off yesterday. I actually don't gave much of a choice if I want to keep the job I worked so hard for 8 years to get. That's 4 years before I even met him. I told him several times that the first year is tricky. I think he'd rather me quit. I feel like he's tried to guilt me in to quitting too. He is totally ignoring the fact that I went through all the extra work of planning for a sub and securing them far ahead of time, so I could spend a kid-free day with him on Friday. He generally ignores things like that. He often slings baseless accusations of cheating. All this has been par for the course the last 4 years.

Is this just normal relationship behavior? I don't think I'm cut out for a relationship is this is the norm...

I'm certainly no expert on "normal", but it certainly isn't healthy relationship behavior. Longitudinally his attitude and resultant behavior towards you demonstrates rather conclusively that your relationship is heavily one-sided; he shows a marked indifference to your wants, needs, aspirations, and a myopic focus upon his own. He's not offering you a nurturing mutual relationship; he's offering you chattel servitude. That's not what marriage is supposed to be. You deserve so much better than to be enslaved to a narcissist, and the fact that you've put the guy off for four years strongly suggests that somewhere deep in your heart, you already know this is true. Please listen to your intuition, and reclassify him as an ex fiancée.



ShyGirl7
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11 Feb 2019, 10:10 am

PotterJay85 wrote:
Sorry if this is the wrong place for this. I'm new to posting.

Anyway, I have some issues with my fiance and I feel that his behavior can become borderline emotionally abusive. For example, yesterday he wanted sex in the morning. He didn't overtly ask and I missed the hint. He's still pouting today and acting like it's something he's entitled to. He's been saying, "I wish I was your special interest." He's being extremely passive aggressive. I'm a first year teacher. It's a lot of work. I generally have to do all my planning on Sundays. It's been that way, but it was pissing him off yesterday. I actually don't gave much of a choice if I want to keep the job I worked so hard for 8 years to get. That's 4 years before I even met him. I told him several times that the first year is tricky. I think he'd rather me quit. I feel like he's tried to guilt me in to quitting too. He is totally ignoring the fact that I went through all the extra work of planning for a sub and securing them far ahead of time, so I could spend a kid-free day with him on Friday. He generally ignores things like that. He often slings baseless accusations of cheating. All this has been par for the course the last 4 years.

Is this just normal relationship behavior? I don't think I'm cut out for a relationship is this is the norm...


Are you an Aspie and he a NT, or are you both Aspies?



magz
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11 Feb 2019, 10:43 am

There is some text I came across recently:
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissi ... oundaries/

I have some unhealthy relationships in my family. There is a person with borderline-like traits and there is another person, quite obviously narcissist.
With a lot of help from my therapist, I've learned to set firm boundaries with them, not letting them control me or burden me with their extreme emotions.
My relationship with the borderline one improved a lot.
My relationship with the narcissist... after I didn't react to his bouts and silent treatment attempts, he leaves the room when I enter it.

Just some thought food for you.


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AngelRho
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12 Feb 2019, 8:04 am

That is NOT normal. I think your relationship has gone on too long. If you get married, you’ll be divorced soon.

Just my opinion, anyway...

So...first year teacher? My condolences. It gets better, though.

Don’t quit teaching. Never, ever quit teaching. Don’t let anyone guilt you into quitting.

The best advice I could have gotten (that I never got, haha) would have been do NOT come back to your first teaching gig. It should be understood you’re not coming back. Your first job is really just for the experience. You get rolled by kids on a daily basis. Maybe you’re young and idealistic, so you work in an underprivileged district thinking you can reach the thugs and change lives. Some battles you win; most battles you lose. You learn how to make lesson plans, how to work the cloud-based gradebook that everyone gripes about, etc. So beginning in April you start the job interview process all over again and move on. Keep all of your lesson plans when you leave. That’s important. Make some adjustments, mass find/replace to account for different curriculum, change some dates (I just do Week 1, Week 2, etc.), just turn everything in at the beginning of the year, and you’ll never look at a lesson plan again. All you have to do is keep students engaged and grade a few papers.

It won’t happen the first year. Your second gig will go much better. You’ll know to memorize the name of every kid in school, not just the ones you teach. If you teach the thugs, you know who to make friends with right away. I prefer thugs to rich kids any day, btw—thugs don’t care; rich kids have nothing better to do, so they’ll go find you and torment you at your house. Yeah, I had to call the cops on the rich kids. Spend time on the phone during your planning period with every parent at some point during the week, even with the good kids, and you’ll find classroom management goes better. Even though work ends at 3:30, don’t leave campus before 5:30.

The second gig is really just an extension of the first one. If you get the job again, it’s up to you whether to keep it or not. Don’t stay past your 5th teaching year.

After that, give yourself a raise by moving to better school districts. You’ve earned it. Maybe get into an administrative program, or AT LEAST rack up some supplemental endorsements on your license. At all times save up about 3-6 months of “go to hell” money in the event you have to skip town. And don’t unpack all your moving boxes in the first 3 years!

I’m a part-time band director in my 4th year at a Catholic school and I LOVE it. First 5 years were hell and I quit after my 3rd job. I’m an active musician besides with a graduate degree in composition, so teaching has always been what I do while waiting for “real” gigs. The biggest mistake I made was settling down too fast, which has made it difficult to survive as either a BD or working musician. You won’t have my problems since teaching is what you WANT to do. However, beware getting stuck in ANY location. Keep moving forward, expect pay raises, and don’t stay where you can’t do either.

Best of luck to you!



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12 Feb 2019, 9:04 am

I agree that you should continue teaching. Especially in this day and age where women need to look out for themselves financially.



PotterJay85
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21 Feb 2019, 9:46 pm

Update: we split up the other night. I already have my own apartment and I am not looking back! I am aspie, he is also neurodiverse for those who askes



AngelRho
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22 Feb 2019, 6:18 am

Very sorry to hear you split up. But it was needed. Take a few weeks to just keep to yourself socially and heal from this. There will be brighter days.



magz
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22 Feb 2019, 6:53 am

Based on the information you gave us, you did the right thing.
Now it's time to care for yourself :heart:


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22 Feb 2019, 1:57 pm

I say congratulations on splitting up...

Its good he showed some of his true colors before you ended up marrying him.



PotterJay85
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22 Feb 2019, 10:16 pm

Thanks, everyone! I'm excited to no longer have someone holding me back and making me feel less than all the time!



AngelRho
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22 Feb 2019, 11:23 pm

Yay!! ! Please enjoy being free.

Being in a relationship is awesome. It’s a wonderful thing that we all should want and work towards. There is a certain freedom in belonging to someone that you can’t have when you’re single. When you’re in a restrictive relationship, being alone is a refreshing change.

I went through some stuff halfway through college and was just fed up with women. What happened? I ended up with women who were fed up with men! It’s easy to get caught up in the emotion of the moment and make rash decisions. Do enjoy your freedom. Just take good care of yourself, ok?