Early exclusivity in long distance dating? Need some input.

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ElmoTheDestroyer
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01 Oct 2019, 10:05 am

Hi everyone...

So long story short, someone from an online dating site contacted me and we've talked a little.

Hard to get a picture of her personality through messaging so I can't comment on that, but on paper, everything about her sounds almost tailor made for me. I've used online dating on and off for a long time and I'm amazed on how good she sounds. Its OKCupid so there is a huge list of questions they match on, out of 500 questions we have a 98% match. The 4 pages of her actual profile are as good as that match rating. :)

Here's the thing... She's 2 hours away, in Canada. I dont mind the distance, and I want to take things slow (I really want to do this right, she sounds amazing)...

With someone local, it's easy to spend a fair amount of time together pretty quickly, it's not hard to date a few people at the same time, try to weigh options and stuff. However with distance that takes a lot longer.

Basically, the process of getting to know each other takes a significantly longer period of time, you don't get to see eachother as much, it's expensive (4 hours+ travel round trip on top of normal dating expenses... Also probably means hotels from time to time incase it gets late or something)... It's a lot of work trying to maintain a "fun" dating life while being apart, difficult to keep things interesting.

Dating locals is easy, you just go do stuff, easy to play boardgames and stuff... Gotta use alot of mental energy and keep things creative if you're long distance, it's a lot of work, at least in my experience.

Which brings me back to this woman who contacted me...

I'd love to date her and see where stuff goes... But with the distance involved, I really want to ask her for exclusive dating.

I've tried this kind of thing a few times in the past, and every time it was just left open... and eventually some local guy she was seeing won the attention game, every time. Eventually get a text "hey, been hanging out with this guy i met locally, been fun, thanks.." kinda thing.

Considering starting, and maintaining a long distance relationship requires so much more than just meeting someone for coffee locally or something... Is it fair to ask them from the beginning, maybe after an actual first date to give things a chance and see where they go, not talk to other people while we're talking/dating?

I wouldnt ask for anything other than not seeing other people, wouldnt expect it to be a full blown relationship or anything physical implied... Really just not seeking alternatives while we rule eachother out (or not hopefully). :)

I just really hate the idea of "competing" with other guys while trying to get to know someone hours away, it's not fair ground, and its never worked for me. Always ends up being a huge waste of energy, money and time.

Not really sure how to approach this long distance thing. Ordinarily I wouldn't bother, been there done that, but she sounds so f'ing amazing I need to figure out a way to make it work. :)

Any advice you guys (and gals!) have I'd really appreciate!

Thanks!



ShyGirl7
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01 Oct 2019, 5:26 pm

Have you given her enough information about yourself? Your stats and pictures, etc?

If she knows what she's getting and she's intelligent, she will settle for you.

If she's on the ditzy-side, then she won't be worth your time, money and attention anyway.



ElmoTheDestroyer
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01 Oct 2019, 9:04 pm

ShyGirl7 wrote:
Have you given her enough information about yourself? Your stats and pictures, etc?

If she knows what she's getting and she's intelligent, she will settle for you.

If she's on the ditzy-side, then she won't be worth your time, money and attention anyway.



Yes, she's seen pictures, and my profile on the website is very detailed, several pages long. Plus the 500 or so mutual questions we both answered. We both know a fair bit about eachother because of super detailed/long profiles... and our first text conversation through the site seemed good...

I'd really like to stop paying attention to other people messaging me and see where this goes personally.

I don't know if she's in as big of a hurry to ignore the other people at this time yet, but if we're going to do a long distance thing I'm not sure how else to do it... <shrug>

Oi, socializing... lol

Thanks!



The Grand Inquisitor
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01 Oct 2019, 9:29 pm

I think long distance relationships are rarely a good idea.

It's a pretty big ask to suggest that she be "exclusive" with you before you've spent any significant time together in person, when she might have other dating prospects in her area where the logistics of meeting and dating those people are better, not to mention asking her this might come across as a bit desperate.

I'd suggest you look for someone closer to you, or if you're going to continue trying for this relationship, don't ask her to be exclusive until you've thoroughly gotten to know each other in person, and let the chips fall where they may with the knowledge that she might find someone else in her local area.



MjrMajorMajor
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01 Oct 2019, 10:44 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

It's a pretty big ask to suggest that she be "exclusive" with you before you've spent any significant time together in person..


Asking for exclusivity right now might send her running in the opposite direction. She could assume you might be desperate, or are overly controlling.



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02 Oct 2019, 8:25 am

You have to meet her yet!

Besides... If she agreed on date one, it would solve the problem youre focussed on, but that alone could be an indicator of unusual motives.
Kinda like yours are for wanting to ask this so early on.

It being a long distance dating approach could be grounds for being able to say it to her earlier than you could with someone else locally.
The benefit of LDRs for folk on the spectrum is that the relationship moves forward much slower and involves time to think, with less time for being swept up by emotions and irrational decisions.



GiantHockeyFan
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03 Oct 2019, 6:55 am

ElmoTheDestroyer wrote:
Its OKCupid so there is a huge list of questions they match on, out of 500 questions we have a 98% match.

I wouldn't read too much into that whole match rating: I know my wife and I would probably not even hit 80% on those questions, meanwhile I messaged someone who was a 99% match and it was probably the biggest bust of all. A lot of the questions are either downright silly or are more complicated than a multiple choice answer.

Quote:
I really want to do this right, she sounds amazing...

That's the key: she SOUNDS amazing. Hate to break it to you but a lot of people can talk the talk but can't walk the walk. Before I make it exclusive with the Mrs. I was long distance dating someone who seemed absolutely amazing. I broke it off with big regrets because she seemed ideal other than she lived far away. She eventually visited my city and asked to meet up: in short she was AWFUL! She had the personality of dried toast, it was physically painful trying to communicate with her and it was obvious she grew up in a rural area while visiting the city. In other words she was nothing like the profile she had written.

Take it from a retired veteran of online dating: the people who look and act the most amazing are usually just that: skilled actors. I can't tell you how many times I got giddy with excitement thinking I found the one and the person either kept making excuses as to why they couldn't meet, suddenly ghosted or if we did meet they turned out to be nothing like their profile. By the end, I was looking for why this 'perfect' profile was still single and it was usually a very good reason.



Kiriae
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03 Oct 2019, 12:53 pm

If you talked long enough, get along well and went on a real date that was good then yeah, maybe, it could work although I wouldn't bet on it. Even regular long distance relationships break for the same reason - the wife/husband working away meets someone and cheats, then they divorce. Just because you ask not to date others doesn't mean she won't met someone good enough to break the promise anyway.

I don't do the long distance thing ever since the guy living 2h away from me failed to meet me after we already set a date and place because he was "too afraid" that he discovers there is no chemistry between us in real life. I knew how he looks like, heard his voice over the phone, knew about his daily life, knew about his job(and he even bought me some things online) and we had cybersex. But he was too much of a coward. Or just didn't want a relationship and sugarcoated that. I will never know because we broke up soon after.



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05 Oct 2019, 2:10 pm

I don't think it's fair to ask for exclusivity if you're still strangers, regardless of whether it's long-distance or not.

Long-distance is difficult, and I think it can only succeed when people are both fully invested and clear on what they're getting. Trying to keep someone away from local options would only delay the inevitable if that doesn't describe them.