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Dbz33
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14 Aug 2020, 3:04 am

Does anyone see there autism and lifestyle and start too believe your life is less meaningful, so you start too lose hope for life overall...?
I for one, don't think highly myself or my life.


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blooiejagwa
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14 Aug 2020, 3:23 am

yea but also when considering futures (and current state) of others

like siblings, children, people who i heard about (like a girl in her 20s who got paralyzed for life from a drunk driver, who got away with his crime because he is from a rich family)

(the things in "spoilers" are just meanderings that dont really add THAT much to my point but i feel it necessary to say)


overall just adding it up, it feels like there's no way out.
comparisons with others also do not help.

esp if others seem able to do things i cannot. or i cannot- except with great effort that cannot be consistently maintained and needs someone there usually to help.


not so much meaningless as... whatever effort is put in, falls into a deep (seemingly bottomless) well with little to no result.

especially for when the body/mind doesn't cooperate. like mine doesn't hence cannot sleep and can't stop thinking unnecessary thoughts
(cannot relax)

(cannot reduce those thoughts or filter them..

which affects conversation/socializing too --
but nobody here seems to know what the solution is) ..

there are gaps in the system or in people's willingness to connect.

(thinking of kids where adults place arbitrary rules and project things that isolate them, for their own ease adn comfort and laziness) and that's just childhood.. gets worse over time.
worried about school starting and elder returning to class where it seemed only 1 teacher from all the teachers and TAs-- cared- and she wasnt in class all the time..

endless "being in limbo" but worsening because of the nature of this world where u have to keep climbing up and regression and uncontrollable things wont do!

(h
ence why some accommodations etc are needed.
. but only in a conscientious, humane society..

e.g. fascist types wouldn't care if a special needs kid falls to the wayside,
they'd think
'they deserve it, they didn't do what everyone else is able to do, they weren't trying hard enough.'
)


for feeling of no hope-
wait it out (that's my sister's advice to me, just passing it on).

things get better (also her statement) ..


maybe meltdowns will help when they come on --

usually find that such feelings intensify prior to a meltdown- afterwards, we may feel better.

(just hope nothing bad happens from meltdown with ppl's reactions if they witness it--
as happened to another user her recently.. best if one is alone in most cases?)

meltdowns can be like rain on parched soil paradoxically, after them things improve slightly..
more clarity of thought.

the user i most identify with, the tone of the posts,
"shortfatuglybaldman" is the user,
they convey this overall sentiment very well.

(seems to identify causes for the feelings in each post -- breaks it down- instead of just the bad feelings + confusion and unable to understand it)

maybe reading others' sentiments in this vein will help - feel less isolated- and also have words to help ur feelings

- here and there people make remarks that really help..


hope you have a therapist or family who will check up on you and to whom you can confide that

going out of home (fresh air) and having something to look forward to.. even if its just a parcel in the mail?


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timf
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14 Aug 2020, 2:11 pm

Not thinking highly of yourself is usually the result of a comparison or measurement.

It is important not to drive yourself crazy with unrealistic comparisons. This is why most athletes use "personal best" as the comparison of their performance. If you strive to do a little better than you did before, you can have a lot more "successes" than if you strive to be the best.

If your mind takes you unwillingly to dark places, fight back by giving yourself little indulgences such as reading a fun book or watching a good movie.

Over time you may notice that you are slowly gaining the upper hand with more hope than you had previously.



Teach51
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14 Aug 2020, 2:19 pm

timf wrote:
Not thinking highly of yourself is usually the result of a comparison or measurement.

It is important not to drive yourself crazy with unrealistic comparisons. This is why most athletes use "personal best" as the comparison of their performance. If you strive to do a little better than you did before, you can have a lot more "successes" than if you strive to be the best.

If your mind takes you unwillingly to dark places, fight back by giving yourself little indulgences such as reading a fun book or watching a good movie.

Over time you may notice that you are slowly gaining the upper hand with more hope than you had previously.


That is very good advice^


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Pieplup
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14 Aug 2020, 7:51 pm

timf wrote:
Not thinking highly of yourself is usually the result of a comparison or measurement.

It is important not to drive yourself crazy with unrealistic comparisons. This is why most athletes use "personal best" as the comparison of their performance. If you strive to do a little better than you did before, you can have a lot more "successes" than if you strive to be the best.

If your mind takes you unwillingly to dark places, fight back by giving yourself little indulgences such as reading a fun book or watching a good movie.

Over time you may notice that you are slowly gaining the upper hand with more hope than you had previously.

I'm a perfectionist and extremely rigid about it. like If i'm not 100% the best out there it's not worth doing. I can be extremely elitist because of it. an I think part of the problem is I always set goals for myself and put everything i have towards those goals and beacuse everything i have is not the best approach beacuse it's to much and i burnout I always end up farther behind. and I feel like I'm never gonna get here cause i've tried 5 years to get somewhere and have only gone backwards. and I can't afford to live in denial anymore like i did for so long. I have to learn to accept the fact that. My life just might not meant to be anything more than disabled. It seems rather unliekly that i'll ever be abel to live alone or even somewhat independently or hold a job. and i have to learn to accept that. That'd being said THere's definitely a difference between losing hope and accepting that your not gonna get there. I will still try my best. I just need to prepare myself for the fact taht my best might not be good enough for what i want to do.


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idntonkw
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14 Aug 2020, 10:54 pm

Dbz33 wrote:
Does anyone see there autism and lifestyle and start too believe your life is less meaningful, so you start too lose hope for life overall...?
I for one, don't think highly myself or my life.


Yes, absolutely! I feel bad and at a loss about socially inappropriate and mean things I've done to people, and I see that coming from an absence of something in me. I feel permanently inferior to people due to not having that understanding and resourcefulness to both understand that people actually mean what they are saying, react normally like I would want and understand the social situation.



emotrtkey
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14 Aug 2020, 11:17 pm

Dbz33 wrote:
Does anyone see there autism and lifestyle and start too believe your life is less meaningful, so you start too lose hope for life overall...?
I for one, don't think highly myself or my life.


I felt hopeless for most of my life but not anymore. The key for me was correcting distorted thinking. You can have many negative beliefs about yourself (such as I don't have any friends, no one likes me, I don't understand people well, I can't handle stress, socializing is overwhelming) without feeling worse. However, if you start thinking, I'll never have any friends (which is impossible to know), I'm a loser (an overgeneralization), everyone hates me (exaggeration), or similarly distorted beliefs it can make you feel inferior and hopeless. Focusing on the facts without predicting the future, overgeneralizing, or exaggerating your problems can be very helpful.



dragonsanddemons
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14 Aug 2020, 11:48 pm

I've felt that way for about the past five years, ever since I realized that it's most probable that I will never get hired for and keep even a crappy part-time job (I tried, I ended up in the hospital for self-harm and suicidal thoughts from all the stress (I was a janitor, so sometimes it was literally a crappy job :lol: ) and will probably keep living with my parents for as long as is feasible. I've decided that as long as my parents are still alive, I'll stick around (assuming I have a choice), but once they're gone, I'm out not long after. I've been working on getting diagnosed with lymphoma (and finally did last week) for several months. It's one of the least scary and most treatable kinds of cancer, but I've found myself wondering, is treatment really worth it (compared to the toll it will take on both me physically and mentally, and on my parents' bank account)? The sole reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I know how deeply it would hurt my parents if I did that. I haven't had much joy in life in the past fifteen years or so and now I can be reasonably certain that I've stagnated for pretty much the rest of my life, and considering how much I hate my lack of independence now, I expect that will continue to increase as my level of independence continues to stay the same. I try to think about things to look forward to once I'm cancer-free... and realize that there really isn't anything. My parents will have to pay for chemo and I'm even more dependent than usual (can barely even get myself to and from the bathroom on my own due to extreme fatigue) and I will spend months being beyond miserable, all for... nothing. Just so I can have another fifty years or so of being unhappy and making exactly zero progress toward anything (although it would be ironic, in a way that things tend to be for me, if I died in a car accident as we were driving home from my last chemo treatment :roll: ). Is it really worth the bother? Why shouldn't I just refuse treatment and let the cancer take me because I can't make myself do the deed?

Ahem, all that just to say "yep, I have."


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.


funeralxempire
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14 Aug 2020, 11:49 pm

Constantly.


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idntonkw
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15 Aug 2020, 12:33 am

dragonsanddemons wrote:
I've felt that way for about the past five years, ever since I realized that it's most probable that I will never get hired for and keep even a crappy part-time job (I tried, I ended up in the hospital for self-harm and suicidal thoughts from all the stress (I was a janitor, so sometimes it was literally a crappy job :lol: ) and will probably keep living with my parents for as long as is feasible. I've decided that as long as my parents are still alive, I'll stick around (assuming I have a choice), but once they're gone, I'm out not long after. I've been working on getting diagnosed with lymphoma (and finally did last week) for several months. It's one of the least scary and most treatable kinds of cancer, but I've found myself wondering, is treatment really worth it (compared to the toll it will take on both me physically and mentally, and on my parents' bank account)? The sole reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I know how deeply it would hurt my parents if I did that. I haven't had much joy in life in the past fifteen years or so and now I can be reasonably certain that I've stagnated for pretty much the rest of my life, and considering how much I hate my lack of independence now, I expect that will continue to increase as my level of independence continues to stay the same. I try to think about things to look forward to once I'm cancer-free... and realize that there really isn't anything. My parents will have to pay for chemo and I'm even more dependent than usual (can barely even get myself to and from the bathroom on my own due to extreme fatigue) and I will spend months being beyond miserable, all for... nothing. Just so I can have another fifty years or so of being unhappy and making exactly zero progress toward anything (although it would be ironic, in a way that things tend to be for me, if I died in a car accident as we were driving home from my last chemo treatment :roll: ). Is it really worth the bother? Why shouldn't I just refuse treatment and let the cancer take me because I can't make myself do the deed?

Ahem, all that just to say "yep, I have."


Okay, good luck, you know, your story is possibly convincing me that it is indeed worth it to look for a partner. Because.. what else fun is there in life?



Pepe
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15 Aug 2020, 12:55 am

Teach51 wrote:
timf wrote:
Not thinking highly of yourself is usually the result of a comparison or measurement.

It is important not to drive yourself crazy with unrealistic comparisons. This is why most athletes use "personal best" as the comparison of their performance. If you strive to do a little better than you did before, you can have a lot more "successes" than if you strive to be the best.

If your mind takes you unwillingly to dark places, fight back by giving yourself little indulgences such as reading a fun book or watching a good movie.

Over time you may notice that you are slowly gaining the upper hand with more hope than you had previously.


That is very good advice^


I thought so too.


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Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude. Hypnosis, psychosis. Tomarto, tomayto. There are *4* lights. Honey badger.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,



Also, as George Carlin said, "I have no stake in the outcome." I'll stick around for the comedy.

"A stranger is a friend gang-stalker you haven't met yet."
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)
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Pepe
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15 Aug 2020, 1:04 am

This is the best time of my life.
The worse is over for me, so while there isn't any intrinsic point to life, I will enjoy what I can. ;)

Too positive for this group? :scratch: :mrgreen:


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Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude. Hypnosis, psychosis. Tomarto, tomayto. There are *4* lights. Honey badger.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,



Also, as George Carlin said, "I have no stake in the outcome." I'll stick around for the comedy.

"A stranger is a friend gang-stalker you haven't met yet."
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)
Glory to Ukraine.


blooiejagwa
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15 Aug 2020, 8:46 am

Pepe wrote:
This is the best time of my life.
The worse is over for me, so while there isn't any intrinsic point to life, I will enjoy what I can. ;)

Too positive for this group? :scratch: :mrgreen:


Inappropriate. Reported for sad-shaming and gratuitous display of contentment.


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15 Aug 2020, 1:31 pm

Pepe wrote:
This is the best time of my life.
The worse is over for me, so while there isn't any intrinsic point to life, I will enjoy what I can. ;)

Too positive for this group? :scratch: :mrgreen:

being positive in this thread is not allowed!1!


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emotrtkey
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15 Aug 2020, 4:50 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:
I've felt that way for about the past five years, ever since I realized that it's most probable that I will never get hired for and keep even a crappy part-time job (I tried, I ended up in the hospital for self-harm and suicidal thoughts from all the stress (I was a janitor, so sometimes it was literally a crappy job :lol: ) and will probably keep living with my parents for as long as is feasible. I've decided that as long as my parents are still alive, I'll stick around (assuming I have a choice), but once they're gone, I'm out not long after. I've been working on getting diagnosed with lymphoma (and finally did last week) for several months. It's one of the least scary and most treatable kinds of cancer, but I've found myself wondering, is treatment really worth it (compared to the toll it will take on both me physically and mentally, and on my parents' bank account)? The sole reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I know how deeply it would hurt my parents if I did that. I haven't had much joy in life in the past fifteen years or so and now I can be reasonably certain that I've stagnated for pretty much the rest of my life, and considering how much I hate my lack of independence now, I expect that will continue to increase as my level of independence continues to stay the same. I try to think about things to look forward to once I'm cancer-free... and realize that there really isn't anything. My parents will have to pay for chemo and I'm even more dependent than usual (can barely even get myself to and from the bathroom on my own due to extreme fatigue) and I will spend months being beyond miserable, all for... nothing. Just so I can have another fifty years or so of being unhappy and making exactly zero progress toward anything (although it would be ironic, in a way that things tend to be for me, if I died in a car accident as we were driving home from my last chemo treatment :roll: ). Is it really worth the bother? Why shouldn't I just refuse treatment and let the cancer take me because I can't make myself do the deed?

Ahem, all that just to say "yep, I have."


I really hope you talk to a therapist or read a self-help book written by an expert therapist on depression. I was depressed most of my life and overcame it using CBT. Since you're planning on ending your life anyway, you really have nothing to lose at this point so why not talk to everyone, tell people how you feel, or try to make some friends. You're already miserable so they can't make you feel much worse and can mostly only help. You might as well take some risks to see if you can improve you life.



dragonsanddemons
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15 Aug 2020, 5:27 pm

emotrtkey wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
I've felt that way for about the past five years, ever since I realized that it's most probable that I will never get hired for and keep even a crappy part-time job (I tried, I ended up in the hospital for self-harm and suicidal thoughts from all the stress (I was a janitor, so sometimes it was literally a crappy job :lol: ) and will probably keep living with my parents for as long as is feasible. I've decided that as long as my parents are still alive, I'll stick around (assuming I have a choice), but once they're gone, I'm out not long after. I've been working on getting diagnosed with lymphoma (and finally did last week) for several months. It's one of the least scary and most treatable kinds of cancer, but I've found myself wondering, is treatment really worth it (compared to the toll it will take on both me physically and mentally, and on my parents' bank account)? The sole reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I know how deeply it would hurt my parents if I did that. I haven't had much joy in life in the past fifteen years or so and now I can be reasonably certain that I've stagnated for pretty much the rest of my life, and considering how much I hate my lack of independence now, I expect that will continue to increase as my level of independence continues to stay the same. I try to think about things to look forward to once I'm cancer-free... and realize that there really isn't anything. My parents will have to pay for chemo and I'm even more dependent than usual (can barely even get myself to and from the bathroom on my own due to extreme fatigue) and I will spend months being beyond miserable, all for... nothing. Just so I can have another fifty years or so of being unhappy and making exactly zero progress toward anything (although it would be ironic, in a way that things tend to be for me, if I died in a car accident as we were driving home from my last chemo treatment :roll: ). Is it really worth the bother? Why shouldn't I just refuse treatment and let the cancer take me because I can't make myself do the deed?

Ahem, all that just to say "yep, I have."


I really hope you talk to a therapist or read a self-help book written by an expert therapist on depression. I was depressed most of my life and overcame it using CBT. Since you're planning on ending your life anyway, you really have nothing to lose at this point so why not talk to everyone, tell people how you feel, or try to make some friends. You're already miserable so they can't make you feel much worse and can mostly only help. You might as well take some risks to see if you can improve you life.


I do see a therapist weekly, and I’m on medication for depression. Believe it or not, I’m actually doing better than I was, at least I’m not thinking like that all the time now. This was kind of a way to just get it off my chest.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.