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IndigoDoll90
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01 Nov 2020, 2:35 pm

Lately I've been feeling less than others. It's to the point part of me wants to pick a random fight just to make myself feel powerful, but there's got to be a better way to feel more powerful than others. All my life I have felt less than others because of being labeled as ADHD and autistic and put in special classes as a kid. Growing up I would watch movies and tv shows about people with magical powers and would wish that I could be powerful like them. Something about having magical powers and being better then others just seems so cool to me. Often I think it would just be fun and cool to have magical powers. Instead the only power I seem to have if you want to call it that is my creativity. I'm really good at writing and drawing, but I see that as useless. What's the point of it. Why even bother writing or drawing. I feel so useless and like I'm less than others what can I do.



Joe90
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01 Nov 2020, 2:41 pm

Having Asperger's has always made me feel less important than everyone else, probably because I've been treated that way. It's like some people just think that having Asperger's means you don't have any feelings or something.

The way I see it, one of the only superpowers a human can have is behaving however they want (as in breaking almost all of the unwritten social 'rules'), but still be accepted, popular and even fancied by the opposite sex (even if they're not that attractive). I call that a superpower.


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starkid
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01 Nov 2020, 5:05 pm

IndigoDoll90 wrote:
but there's got to be a better way to feel more powerful than others.

Maybe that's not a feeling you should be seeking.

Maybe you should try getting rid of your emotional investment in social hierarchy, in ideas about some people being "less than" others. Change your thinking, I mean.



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01 Nov 2020, 8:16 pm

You need to excel in your special interest. Dive into it and find yourself it in it. Whatever it is, let it carry you for awhile.


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Dbz33
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02 Nov 2020, 1:25 pm

Bet your a good person and that matters.


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02 Nov 2020, 1:46 pm

Feelings are an important part of life. However, they can be deceptive. Many people have brought painful circumstances into their lives because the sought to achieve good feelings. Rather than seeking that which will make you feel good, you might consider that which you do well (writing and drawing) and allow yourself to take credit for that. This allows you to be the determiner of your emotional condition.



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02 Nov 2020, 4:42 pm

I don't think writing and drawing skills are useless at all. And picking fights or looking for ways to convince yourself that you're superior doesn't seem wise to me, though I can see how a person who's sick of feeling inferior could find that path attractive - the opportunity to turn low self-esteem on its head and demonstrate the truth of the opposite. I've heard that a lot of aggressive people became that way because they felt inferior deepdown.

I think the whole idea of comparing oneself to others is absurd. Who gets to judge who is better and who is worse? Where is there any objective formula for figuring it out? I don't think there is one. I think it all depends on what any individual happens to like and dislike, and the best thing is to dismiss the matter as irrelevent.

So I just try to simply make myself as comfortable as possible in a sustainable way, and I try not to worry about where I might stand in any hierarchy of greater and lesser people. As long as my life is comfy, I don't think anything else matters. Of course I'm unlikely to feel comfy if I'm surrounded by people who are suffering, so actually being comfy is more to me than my own personal comfort as an isolated individual, but that's another story.

Having said that my supposed position in any daft hierarchy of greatness is absurd, I have to admit that I'm still often haunted by concerns about that very question. I can't seem to quite let go of the notion of self-esteem. The question "Am I good enough?" nags at me. Sometimes I catch it and tell myself not to let it bother me, but it always comes back sooner or later. I suppose humans are irrational like that. All I can do is fight it and remind myself that there's no answer to the question.

Helping other people does seem to keep the monster at bay for a while though. Finding somebody's lost driving license and returning it to them rather than just leaving it there, helping the neighbour to get her cat back out of a tunnel rather than leaving her to it, alerting somebody to a computer program that can easily do something they've been unable to do before, those things made me feel a bit better about myself for a little while. I also get a lot out of using my wits to solve my own problems.



sport
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03 Nov 2020, 10:43 am

I always had that feeling when growing up in the 40's my dad was hard to understand and never gave any praise out.



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04 Nov 2020, 1:46 am

IndigoDoll90 wrote:
Lately I've been feeling less than others. It's to the point part of me wants to pick a random fight just to make myself feel powerful, but there's got to be a better way to feel more powerful than others. All my life I have felt less than others because of being labeled as ADHD and autistic and put in special classes as a kid. Growing up I would watch movies and tv shows about people with magical powers and would wish that I could be powerful like them. Something about having magical powers and being better then others just seems so cool to me. Often I think it would just be fun and cool to have magical powers. Instead the only power I seem to have if you want to call it that is my creativity. I'm really good at writing and drawing, but I see that as useless. What's the point of it. Why even bother writing or drawing. I feel so useless and like I'm less than others what can I do.

Honestly, I think that's the wrong reason to want super-powers that seems like a slippery slope towards world domination It sounds like you might have a bit of an inferiority complex.


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04 Nov 2020, 2:13 am

Well I always feel like that...never really got a good chance to not feel that way I guess, but yeah like what am I going to say to a person that also isn't poor that they would listen to? Like f**k I have so few hours and am practically broke most the time...but a couple times I have given homeless people a couple bucks I have on hand like if I have a couple bucks but yeah like I am struggling with my own bills so not like I can offer very much. But if I have loose change or a couple dollars like for sure sometimes I do give that to a homeless or struggling person to help them out but of course I have to balance that on taking care of my own needs but for sure I have dropped homeless people a bit of money sometimes....lol I think one time when I was drunk I gave a whole 20 but whatever I hope it helped that person a little.
IDk if it was to get their next fix or food like whatever....i figure once I give a person money they can use it however they want like at that point it was out of my hands.


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04 Nov 2020, 3:20 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
Well I always feel like that...never really got a good chance to not feel that way I guess, but yeah like what am I going to say to a person that also isn't poor that they would listen to? Like f**k I have so few hours and am practically broke most the time...but a couple times I have given homeless people a couple bucks I have on hand like if I have a couple bucks but yeah like I am struggling with my own bills so not like I can offer very much. But if I have loose change or a couple dollars like for sure sometimes I do give that to a homeless or struggling person to help them out but of course I have to balance that on taking care of my own needs but for sure I have dropped homeless people a bit of money sometimes....lol I think one time when I was drunk I gave a whole 20 but whatever I hope it helped that person a little.
IDk if it was to get their next fix or food like whatever....i figure once I give a person money they can use it however they want like at that point it was out of my hands.
I understand i too can be to generous with my resources whether it be time or whatever. I think anyone ca chage their self-esteem.


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04 Nov 2020, 4:55 am

Feeling less then others? It kind of been the story of my life in that others seem to come first. Not always but it seems to be a pattern.
But there is a comfort in the Bible where those who will be last shall come first and those who will be first shall come last. This brings comfort to those who find they come last.



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04 Nov 2020, 5:22 am

Comparing yourself to others is sometimes a good idea, but even if you beat enormous odds to be the best in the world at one thing, you will be bad at many others. So, don't dwell on your rank, just focus on your talents and enjoy those.



IndigoDoll90
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04 Nov 2020, 8:49 am

I know it's for some reason not a good idea to pick a random fight just to prove I'm powerful but I dont know what else to do. Sometimes I feel there there is this more powerful person inside me that's a good leader but I doubt it sometimes even though I took a test that said I have the potential to be a leader. I'm also reluctant to be a leader because I see how bad leaders in this world are. I think I'm meant to be some kind of activist but not sure what cause I strongly believe in.



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04 Nov 2020, 11:21 am

To test your ability, the proper method is through sport, with willing opponents. The world is in chaos, with hundreds of good causes needing help. Occasionally, fighting is a good thing, but it is better to avoid attack without surrender. If you put your energy into building a better future, you will probably be much more content.

Here's a story you might like:

An Aikido Story

A turning point in my life came one day on a train in the
suburbs of Tokyo. At one sleepy little station, the doors
opened and the drowsy afternoon was shattered by a
man yelling at the top of his lungs. He was a big man,
a drunk and exceedingly dirty Japanese laborer. The
laborer aimed a kick at the retreating back of an aged
grandmother. "YOU OLD WHORE;' he bellowed, "I'LL
KICK YOUR ASS!" He missed, and the old lady scuttled
safely beyond his reach. The train rattled on, the passen-
gers frozen with fear. I stood up.

I was still young back then, and in pretty good shape.
I had been putting in a solid eight hours of Aikido train-
ing every day for the past three years. I was totally
absorbed in Aikido. I couldn't practice enough. Trouble
was, my skill was yet untried in actual combat. We were
strictly enjoined from using Aikido techniques in public
unless absolute necessity demanded the protection of
other people. My teacher, the founder of Aikido, taught
us everIy morning that Aikido was nonviolent. "Aikido,"
he would say over and over, "is the art of reconciliation.
To use it to enhance one's ego, to dominate other peo-
ple, is to betray totally the purpose for which it is prac-
ticed. Our mission is to resolve conflict, not to generate
it." I listened to his words, of course, and even went so
far as to cross the street a few times to avoid groups of
lounging street punks who might have provided a jolly
brawl in which I might test my proficiency. In my day-
dreams, however, I longed for a legitimate situation
where I could defend the innocent by wasting the guilty.

Such a scene had now arisen. I was overjoyed. "My
prayers have been answered," I thought to myself as I
got to my feet. "This ... this ... slob is drunk and
mean and violent. He's a threat to the public order, and
he'll hurt somebody if I don't take him out. The need is
real. My ethical light is green."

Seeing me stand up, the drunk shot me a look of bleary
inspection. "AHA!" he roared, "A HAIRY FOREIGN
TWERP NEEDS A LESSON IN JAPANESE MANNERS!"
He gathered himself for his big rush at me.

A split second before he moved, somebody else shouted
"HEY!" It was loud, ear-splitting almost, but I remember
it had a strangely joyous, lilting quality to it - as though
you and a friend had been searching diligently for
something, and he had suddenly stumbled upon it.

We both stared down at this Iittle old man. He must
have been well into his seventies, this tiny gentleman,
immaculate in his kimono and hakama. He took no
notice of me but beamed delightedly at the laborer, as
though he had a most important, most welcome secret
to share.

"C'mere," the old man said in an easy vernacular,
beckoning to the drunk, "c'mere and talk with me." He
waved his hand lightly, and the big man followed as if
on a string. The drunk was confused but still belligerent.
He planted his feet in front of the little old man and
towered threateningly over him. "WHAT THE f**k DO
YOU WANT, YOU OLD FART?" he roared above the
clacking wheels.

The old man continued to beam at the laborer. There
was not a trace of fear or resentment about him. "What
you been drinkin'?" he asked lightly, his eyes sparkling
with interest.

"I BEEN DRINKIN'SAKE, GOD DAMN YOUR SCUMMY
OLD EYES!" the laborer declared loudly. "AND WHAT
BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS?"

"Oh, that's wonderful," the old man said with delight,
"absolutely wonderful! You see, I just love sake. Every
night me and my wife (she's seventy-six, you know), we
warm up a little bottle of sake and we take it out into
the garden and we sit on the old bench that my grand-
father's student made for him. We watch the evening
fade, and we look to see how our persimmon tree is doing.
My great-grandfather planted that tree, you know, and we
worry about whether it will recover from those ice storms
we had last winter. But anyway, we take our little jug of
sake and go out and enjoy the evening by our our tree. Even
when it rains!" He beamed up at the laborer, his eyes
twinkling, happy to share the wonderful information.

As he struggled to follow the intricacies of the old man's
conversation, the drunk's face began to soften. His fists
slowly unclenched. "Yeah," he said when the old man
finished. "I love sake too . . . "'His voice trailed off.

"Yes," said the old man, smiling, "and I'm sure you
have a wonderful wife."

"No," replied the laborer, shaking his head sadly, "I
don't got no wife." He hung his head and swayed silently
with the motion of the train. And then, with surprising
gentleness, the big man began to sob. "I don't got no
wife," he moaned rhythmically, "I don't got no home, I
don't got no clothes, I don't got no tools, I don't got no
money, and now I don't got no place to sleep. I'm so
ashamed of myself." Tears rolled down the big man's
cheeks; a spasm of pure despair rippled through his body.

"My, my," the old man clucked sympathetically, although
his general delight appeared undiminished, "that is a
difficult predicament indeed. Why don't you sit down here
and tell me about it?"

Just then the train arrived at my stop. Maneuvering my
way out, I turned my head for one last look. The laborer
was sprawled like a sack on the seat, his head in the old
man's lap. The old gentleman was looking down at him
kindly, a beafific mixture of delight and compassion
beaming from his eyes, one hand softly stroking the
filthy, matted head.

As the train pulled away from the station, I sat on a
bench and tried to relive the experience. I saw that what
I had been prepared to accomplish with bone and muscle
had been accomplished with a smile and a few kind
words. I recognized that I had seen Akido used in action
and that the essence of it was reconciliation and love.

-Terry Dobson



skibum
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04 Nov 2020, 1:08 pm

I love that story


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