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TatjanaErika
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06 Nov 2020, 1:50 am

Hi,
I wonder if some of you have similar feelings related to making friends.
For me, it is almost impossible to have friends in my age group. Most of the girls despise me, or start being manipulative after some time. Even the girl whom I considered to be my best friend started to do very hurtful things to me after some time. And all the boys who approach me just seem to want se**al things :(
However, I really enjoy spending time with older people. Not a bit older, but people in their fifties and sixties, who could almost be my grandparents. Relating to them is so much easier, because many of them are really kind and protective towards me. Even for me, the communication is easier because I have always preferred old movies and books and I have used rather them to mimick behaviour, since that feels much more natural to me than the contemporary movies and behaviour displayed in them. I even think that I have more topics to talk about than with the people of my age. I have worked for an older couple (in their sixties) as a maid (cleaning and cooking for them) for some time as a part time job and they have become very good friends. I also used to have an online friend who was a fifty year old sir (I know, this could be dangerous but luckily he never said anything bad, we just talked about common interest and he has been giving me advices). When I was 17, I even fell in love with my parents' friend who was 55 at that time (of course I never told him, but my parents noticed it from my behaviour and they were very angry and disgusted). I have never felt something similar to someone my age. Generaly, most older people tolerate, even appreciate my quirks (they always say I am bright and ,,old fashioned in a good way" - I don't know how to translate this, but in my language it's a compliment) and their friendship and attention feels very warm and supportive.
Do you also have similar experiences? Or do you consider this bad and dangerous? Is it ok if I keep befriending people much older than me?
Of course I would like to try to have friends with aspies my age, but I don't know any of them in real life.
Thank you and have a nice day ☺️



cyberdad
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06 Nov 2020, 2:06 am

TatjanaErika wrote:
When I was 17, I even fell in love with my parents' friend who was 55 at that time (of course I never told him, but my parents noticed it from my behaviour and they were very angry and disgusted).


While its perfectly fine to make friends with people my age (its a sign of being open/broad minded) it is highly unusual for a 17yr old girl to be physically attracted/in love with a man who is almost pensioner age.

I don't wish to be judgemental but what was your thought process at the time? how did this man respond?



starkid
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06 Nov 2020, 2:29 am

I think it's fine and I think I understand your experience. Younger people play social games well into adulthood (manipulating people, gossiping, jockeying for attention, testing people's boundaries, etc.) and elderly people usually don't.

Just be careful with the men.



TatjanaErika
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06 Nov 2020, 2:56 am

Quote:
I don't wish to be judgemental but what was your thought process at the time? how did this man respond?


Well it's not that I would somehow rationaly decide to like this man. From the time I first met him (my dad befriended him when I was 16), I really admired his character, because he was very smart but also humble, kind to everyone, empathetic and very courageous (he worked as a fireman and rescued many lives in our town). Additionally, he shared my interest for poetry. After some time, the feeling started develop into something I think was love. I didn't care at all that he was older and not that physically attractive by usual criteria, for me he was the most admirable and adorable person I knew.

He didn't respond in any way, I am not sure if he even noticed. But my parents noticed and told him :( eventually, he started spending time with my parents without me being involved. Which was very embarrassing but also understandable.



Pepe
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06 Nov 2020, 3:48 am

TatjanaErika wrote:
However, I really enjoy spending time with older people. Not a bit older, but people in their fifties and sixties, who could almost be my grandparents. Relating to them is so much easier, because many of them are really kind and protective towards me.


You are very unusual.
This isn't the first time I have heard something like this, but it is very rare.

I hope you don't mind me asking:
-Are you on the spectrum?
-Are you on good terms with your parents?
-Are you interested in having a traditional peer aged significant other relationship sometime in the future?
-Have you thought about having children, some time?

BTW, I'm the resident joker/psychologist. 8) -joke-


_________________
Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude. Hypnosis, psychosis. Tomarto, tomayto. There are *4* lights. Honey badger.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,


"A stranger is a friend gang-stalker you haven't met yet." Humour is not meant to be taken seriously, yet many on the left pervert its intent.
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


I luv Joe Biden! Democracy first!


TatjanaErika
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06 Nov 2020, 4:31 am

Pepe wrote:
I hope you don't mind me asking:
-Are you on the spectrum?
-Are you on good terms with your parents?
-Are you interested in having a traditional peer aged significant other relationship sometime in the future?
-Have you thought about having children, some time?


1. I'm not sure if I am on the spectrum. Since I can remember I struggled with communication and social skills, I have most of the symptoms described on the internet (practicaly all except of having extreme routines) and I can relate to most of the struggles and problems that people with Aspergers describe. However, I can't say I have it because I don't have an official diagnosis. In my country, the autism awareness is very low and only people with severe disabilities get diagnosed. I am sorry if it's not ok to post here if you don't have Asperger's officially, but I felt that the people here would relate and understand me most.
2. It's ok. My parents are quite strict and don't have much understanding for my struggles. They are mostly quite angry when I can't hold eye contact or stimm and they say my naivety, inability to find friends and saying inappropriate things by accident disappoints them. But except of that they are very loving and I am sure they care for me very much.
3. I am not sure. I tried to go on a date with boys my age a few times, but I have to admit that they scare me in some way. Most of them try to touch me very soon and seem to be interested just in my body, not my personality. They never ask me about my interests and they don't provide any sense of security, just additional stress and fear. If I ever meet a boy my age who is different I will try to date him, but I feel much more secure, safe and understood with older people.
4. Yes, I really like children. In fact, I sometimes daydream about my future family, try to think about how my future children are going to be, I even have names for them :D
Thank You very much for helping me!



idntonkw
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06 Nov 2020, 4:36 am

TatjanaErika wrote:
Hi,
I wonder if some of you have similar feelings related to making friends.
For me, it is almost impossible to have friends in my age group. Most of the girls despise me, or start being manipulative after some time. Even the girl whom I considered to be my best friend started to do very hurtful things to me after some time. And all the boys who approach me just seem to want se**al things :(
However, I really enjoy spending time with older people. Not a bit older, but people in their fifties and sixties, who could almost be my grandparents. Relating to them is so much easier, because many of them are really kind and protective towards me. Even for me, the communication is easier because I have always preferred old movies and books and I have used rather them to mimick behaviour, since that feels much more natural to me than the contemporary movies and behaviour displayed in them. I even think that I have more topics to talk about than with the people of my age. I have worked for an older couple (in their sixties) as a maid (cleaning and cooking for them) for some time as a part time job and they have become very good friends. I also used to have an online friend who was a fifty year old sir (I know, this could be dangerous but luckily he never said anything bad, we just talked about common interest and he has been giving me advices). When I was 17, I even fell in love with my parents' friend who was 55 at that time (of course I never told him, but my parents noticed it from my behaviour and they were very angry and disgusted). I have never felt something similar to someone my age. Generaly, most older people tolerate, even appreciate my quirks (they always say I am bright and ,,old fashioned in a good way" - I don't know how to translate this, but in my language it's a compliment) and their friendship and attention feels very warm and supportive.
Do you also have similar experiences? Or do you consider this bad and dangerous? Is it ok if I keep befriending people much older than me?
Of course I would like to try to have friends with aspies my age, but I don't know any of them in real life.
Thank you and have a nice day ☺️


This is because you are mature in some ways, while remaining childish in other ways, so an older person can 'trick' you by taking advantage of the childish lack of understanding of something perhaps.

Older people have different standards and are less picky about what they talk about and are made happy by little things. So it's easier to talk to people who are older as they are more willing and you are less self conscious. Also, the part that you are missing - the social part - is not evident when you are not around your peers as it does not come into play when you are with people outside your age group. The older folks won't betray you or be hurtful as much as the younger group.

I have seen NT women be resentful toward female aspies because they hold their social mistakes and behaviors that don't fit the situation against them.



idntonkw
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06 Nov 2020, 4:40 am

TatjanaErika wrote:
Quote:
I don't wish to be judgemental but what was your thought process at the time? how did this man respond?


Well it's not that I would somehow rationaly decide to like this man. From the time I first met him (my dad befriended him when I was 16), I really admired his character, because he was very smart but also humble, kind to everyone, empathetic and very courageous (he worked as a fireman and rescued many lives in our town). Additionally, he shared my interest for poetry. After some time, the feeling started develop into something I think was love. I didn't care at all that he was older and not that physically attractive by usual criteria, for me he was the most admirable and adorable person I knew.

He didn't respond in any way, I am not sure if he even noticed. But my parents noticed and told him :( eventually, he started spending time with my parents without me being involved. Which was very embarrassing but also understandable.


Well, you fell for a 'hot fireman type' - you may also just have a thing for firemen with humble, good character. Girls get crushes on teachers, professors, and men older than their age all the time.



Dial1194
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06 Nov 2020, 5:42 am

Eh, crushes are normal. :) And from what you're saying, he had a lot of admirable qualities.



TatjanaErika
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06 Nov 2020, 5:52 am

Dial1194 wrote:
Eh, crushes are normal. :) And from what you're saying, he had a lot of admirable qualities.


I am sorry, I didn't want to turn discussion to this topic. I know that this can happen to anyone. I just tried to answer cyberdad's question.



Pepe
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06 Nov 2020, 7:33 am

TatjanaErika wrote:
Dial1194 wrote:
Eh, crushes are normal. :) And from what you're saying, he had a lot of admirable qualities.


I am sorry, I didn't want to turn discussion to this topic. I know that this can happen to anyone. I just tried to answer cyberdad's question.


I think you worry too much. :wink:
It is totally OK for you to post here, even if you haven't been diagnosed.
From what you have described, you could very possibly be on the autistic spectrum.

Your English is very good, btw.
Was English compulsory, when you went to school?


_________________
Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude. Hypnosis, psychosis. Tomarto, tomayto. There are *4* lights. Honey badger.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,


"A stranger is a friend gang-stalker you haven't met yet." Humour is not meant to be taken seriously, yet many on the left pervert its intent.
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


I luv Joe Biden! Democracy first!


TatjanaErika
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06 Nov 2020, 9:06 am

Pepe wrote:
Your English is very good, btw.
Was English compulsory, when you went to school?


Thank You, yes, English is compulsory in my country from the 3rd grade of elementary school. But there is still a lot to improve in my case :D



cyberdad
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06 Nov 2020, 8:46 pm

idntonkw wrote:
Older people have different standards and are less picky about what they talk about and are made happy by little things. So it's easier to talk to people who are older as they are more willing and you are less self conscious.


One disadvantage with older people is that they tend to be more fixed in their ways. This is not surprising since their brains have been conditioned to follow the same patterns over a much much longer time.

For a younger person who is still growing, trying to find their identity they might stifle their development if they spend all their time with somebody who is more fixed and less flexible.

Indeed I find older people to be more picky and snobby towards others (Pepe and I are of course the exceptions :lol: )



Pepe
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06 Nov 2020, 9:03 pm

cyberdad wrote:
idntonkw wrote:
Older people have different standards and are less picky about what they talk about and are made happy by little things. So it's easier to talk to people who are older as they are more willing and you are less self conscious.


One disadvantage with older people is that they tend to be more fixed in their ways.


There may be a tendency, but that implies that some are not. ;)

cyberdad wrote:
This is not surprising since their brains have been conditioned to follow the same patterns over a much much longer time.


Some can break the conditioning.
And, I am going through my second adolescence. 8)

cyberdad wrote:
For a younger person who is still growing, trying to find their identity they might stifle their development if they spend all their time with somebody who is more fixed and less flexible.


I *really* want to agree with you on something, but you make is *so* hard, here. :mrgreen:
The best I can do is hold my tongue. 8)

cyberdad wrote:
Indeed I find older people to be more picky and snobby towards others.


Well, I can't be too picky if I relate to you, now, can I? :mrgreen:

cyberdad wrote:
(Pepe and I are of course the exceptions :lol: )


*FINALLY*.
We agree on something.
And it was your very last point too. Phew

Pepe le Phew. Image


_________________
Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude. Hypnosis, psychosis. Tomarto, tomayto. There are *4* lights. Honey badger.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,


"A stranger is a friend gang-stalker you haven't met yet." Humour is not meant to be taken seriously, yet many on the left pervert its intent.
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


I luv Joe Biden! Democracy first!


cyberdad
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06 Nov 2020, 9:10 pm

Maybe its also where I live. The older neighbours in my age group (50s) are real snobs.