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Joe90
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17 Jan 2021, 3:24 pm

Yes I know this was like 10 or 11 years ago but I've recently thought about it.

I used to do voluntary work with this young woman who had 2 small children, it was in a charity shop (or thrift store), and I liked sorting through the toy donations and displaying them out on the shelves. But often kids would come in and treat the shop as a playroom, by getting the toys out of their boxes and leaving them all over the floor (then I got the blame if people tripped over the toys). I got annoyed with kids, but one day I stupidly blurted out to the woman "I'm just going to put these toys out on the shelves, for the brats."
And I think the woman took offense to me calling children "brats", because she had 2 children of her own. I didn't think she'd take offense at the time, as I didn't mean it personally, I just felt frustrated.
She got offered a job a few days later so she left, but she has not spoken to me since, if I saw her in the street. I'd say hello but she'd totally ignore me on purpose. One time I was with a friend who also had volunteered with us, and we were together and saw the young mother in the supermarket one day, and she chatted away to my friend but totally blanked me, as usual (and it was a bit awkward for me to just say sorry).

Obviously I haven't been out since last summer, but when I was out last summer (when COVID had died down) I actually saw the young woman in a supermarket and I went over to her and said hello. She did just about utter a hello, but when I was about to ask her how things were going she just said "do you want something?" I know that that is another way of saying "go away, I don't want to talk to you", so I just said "no" and awkwardly walked away.

OK, before you say that I'm wasting all my energy dwelling on that, I am not. I never think about her, but because it's rare that I ever upset anyone, I feel very uncomfortable and upset when I do, and I must have really upset her for her to still not speak to me 11 years later. If I ever do come across her again I won't bother speaking any more and it's no loss to me.

But do you see what I mean? Has anyone here ever blurted out something that someone took offense to and they still haven't gotten over it years later?


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CockneyRebel
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22 Jan 2021, 12:03 am

You were frustrated and so you said the first thing on your mind. It happens to me a lot. You also didn't know that woman had two children of her own. Don't worry about it.


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Joe90
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22 Jan 2021, 8:17 am

CockneyRebel wrote:
You were frustrated and so you said the first thing on your mind. It happens to me a lot. You also didn't know that woman had two children of her own. Don't worry about it.


I did already know that she had 2 young children. But I didn't know she'd take what I said so personally.


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OkaySometimes
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24 Jan 2021, 8:52 am

I can absolutely relate to this. It's happened to me many times. I have a habit of saying (and sometimes doing) things that, in retrospect, I wish I hadn't. I once asked a person who was a mutual acquaintance about it after being "blanked" by the offended party, "Was that really such a terrible thing to say? It's been 3 years." The person I was talking to was "real" enough to actually answer the question, and told me that the person didn't care about that, or at least not any more. They had apparently always thought I was "weird" and didn't like me very much anyway, so that just gave them a reason to not interact with me further.
I don't know if this is the case here, but it reminded me of that situation.



Joe90
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24 Jan 2021, 2:26 pm

Yes, sadly this is probably the case with me too.

"People forget weird things you said in a day or two" - people who say this are wrong. If you say something weird, chances are they may forget what it was that you said but that one weird thing you said has conditioned them to think that you're weird for the rest of their lives. So basically they haven't forgotten. You make a fool of yourself once, that's their view of you forever.


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cbd
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13 Apr 2021, 11:35 am

she is petty ...11 years later .. smh

was she similar age to you ? she might have had a secret crush and felt disillusioned with what you said .

anyway f**k her for taking such offence . if you called her kids directly 'brats' then I'd get it



Joe90
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13 Apr 2021, 11:42 am

cbd wrote:
she is petty ...11 years later .. smh

was she similar age to you ? she might have had a secret crush and felt disillusioned with what you said .

anyway f**k her for taking such offence . if you called her kids directly 'brats' then I'd get it


She was straight.


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cbd
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13 Apr 2021, 3:21 pm

Joe90 wrote:
cbd wrote:
she is petty ...11 years later .. smh

was she similar age to you ? she might have had a secret crush and felt disillusioned with what you said .

anyway f**k her for taking such offence . if you called her kids directly 'brats' then I'd get it


She was straight.



aha , Just Caught Your Bio info .. Age Gender etc



Joe90
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14 Apr 2021, 3:09 pm

cbd wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
cbd wrote:
she is petty ...11 years later .. smh

was she similar age to you ? she might have had a secret crush and felt disillusioned with what you said .



She was straight.



aha , Just Caught Your Bio info .. Age Gender etc


It's OK, my nickname does often mislead people, I do regret choosing that particular nickname but I can't do anything about it now except clarify my gender on my profile information.

Quote:
anyway f**k her for taking such offence . if you called her kids directly 'brats' then I'd get it


Often Aspies are the ones known to take things personally and when we do we get accused of lacking empathy and not thinking beyond ourselves - but I think it's a HUMAN trait. A lot of NTs I've known actually take things personally when you wasn't aiming anything at them personally. So now I be careful never to express anything negative about children in general when I'm around people who have got children, because people just get easily offended.


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cbd
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15 Apr 2021, 12:59 pm

Joe90 wrote:
cbd wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
cbd wrote:
she is petty ...11 years later .. smh

was she similar age to you ? she might have had a secret crush and felt disillusioned with what you said .



She was straight.



aha , Just Caught Your Bio info .. Age Gender etc


It's OK, my nickname does often mislead people, I do regret choosing that particular nickname but I can't do anything about it now except clarify my gender on my profile information.

Quote:
anyway f**k her for taking such offence . if you called her kids directly 'brats' then I'd get it


Often Aspies are the ones known to take things personally and when we do we get accused of lacking empathy and not thinking beyond ourselves - but I think it's a HUMAN trait. A lot of NTs I've known actually take things personally when you wasn't aiming anything at them personally. So now I be careful never to express anything negative about children in general when I'm around people who have got children, because people just get easily offended.


Aha , You Might Be Able To Request Admin to Alter it For You if They Can .

Yes , I Guess So. People Can Take Things Out of Context . Even When it Doesn't Directly Relate To Them



SabbraCadabra
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15 Apr 2021, 10:39 pm

How long did you two work together? It's possible that she didn't recognize you. A friend's dad gave me an ice cold "can I help you??" out in public once, and I found out later that he didn't realize who I was.

Or maybe she just doesn't want to be friends. I've had a few people from work who I thought were my friends, but didn't really want anything to do with me outside of work.

Is "brat" a harsher word in the UK than it is in the US? Because as far as I know, it's not really an offensive word...but maybe it depends on the tone of voice, as well?


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Joe90
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16 Apr 2021, 1:22 am

I could sense that she seemed cold with me. She definitely knew who I was.

The way she said "do you want something?" wasn't in a "do I know you?" way, it was in a "I don't want to talk to you" kind of way.

I'm good at recognising body language. I know I'm Aspie and people here will probably say the annoying "maybe you think you know how to recognise body language but really you don't", because I know myself more than strangers on the internet and I know that I can interpret body language correctly, by picking up on what others are feeling.


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Mona Pereth
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16 Apr 2021, 4:33 am

Joe90 wrote:
Yes, sadly this is probably the case with me too.

"People forget weird things you said in a day or two" - people who say this are wrong. If you say something weird, chances are they may forget what it was that you said but that one weird thing you said has conditioned them to think that you're weird for the rest of their lives. So basically they haven't forgotten. You make a fool of yourself once, that's their view of you forever.

Do you happen to have a mutual friend who could ask her?

In my experience, that's the only possible way to resolve stuff like this, although it's very unfashionable in today's world for whatever reason.


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cyberdad
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16 Apr 2021, 5:03 am

Joe90 wrote:
"I'm just going to put these toys out on the shelves, for the brats."


Given you were volunteering to help the woman and kids that comment seems a little inconsiderate.



Joe90
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16 Apr 2021, 5:39 am

cyberdad wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
"I'm just going to put these toys out on the shelves, for the brats."


Given you were volunteering to help the woman and kids that comment seems a little inconsiderate.


I wasn't helping the woman, there were about 8 or 9 other people that volunteered there too, just like a job except you don't get paid. So she was a colleague. I would have said that comment to anyone I was working with at that moment, and it just happened to be her. It was just one of those stupid things I blurted out without thinking, as at the time I was feeling frustrated that parents let their kids make such a mess with the toys then leave.


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kraftiekortie
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16 Apr 2021, 6:29 am

Yeah. I know what you mean.

I’ve made insensitive remarks in the past, got people upset, and felt bad later.

Like you yourself said, this ruefulness for past transgressions is a waste of energy. Try not to let it affect your mood today. You’ve grown from that.