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XenopusMan
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24 Feb 2021, 2:17 pm

There was this girl that I was friends with in high school who I’d sometimes hang out with near the school, usually with a couple of other friends. We kind of drifted apart, partially because there were a lot of other people talking to her (especially guys, since they all seemed to think she was really pretty, but I was too socially unaware at the time to tell if someone was conventionally attractive or not), but also partially because I was kind of an as*hole the second half of high school because I was angry at the world and I didn’t know my issues were due to undiagnosed autism (not an excuse I know). She seemed okay with me by the end of senior year, however, and even asked me to sign her yearbook.
I saw her again in July with a mutual friend, two years after graduating, and a few weeks later I sent her an apology about how I acted in high school. She said it was okay and apologized too, but she seemed to think that I was apologizing for acting distant, not for being a little s**t.
A few weeks later I got diagnosed with ASD, OCD, Anxiety, and Depression. I asked her if she was in NYC (so I could tell her about it) and she said “I’m in Cali with my boyfriend.” That made me nervous, because it sounded like she thought I was hitting on her, so I told her about my diagnosis. She was like “Oh wow. How do you feel about that?” and we had a long discussion about it.
She seems to act like a friend whenever I message her, and asks me questions in response a good deal of the time (not during our last convo tho). We have things in common, like our love for animals, and she is also really nice, so I’d like to maintain this friendship if it’s actually a friendship. She has also told me personal info like the fact that she had the worst episode of depression she’d ever had, being diagnosed with OCD, and being worried that she had dyscalculia.
The thing is, she never messages me on her own, and never has. In early high school she’d sometimes talk to me on her own, and even told me I was one of the nicest people she’d met and one of the only people she could truly trust, but she has never messaged me on her own.
This makes me worried that the friendship is one-sided and that I’m bothering her by messaging her. Like, maybe she’s just being nice. But she’s also really anxious so even if she had something to say she probably wouldn’t. I’m wondering if this is likely an actual friendship and if I should continue to message her or if I should just leave her alone. I told her at one point that I don’t message a lot of people from high school because I’m worried that I’m being annoying as I’m not sure if they still consider me a friend. She said “no it’s not annoying it’s just that sometimes people are too busy or not in the right state of mind to respond.” Which is very accurate. What do you all think? Sorry about the length of this post, I tend to go on and on about things.



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24 Feb 2021, 2:23 pm

It seems obvious to me that you are not foremost in her thoughts, to say the least.  Whether you choose to continue this one-sided relationship is entirely up to you.  You might want to consider the fact that she never initiates contact with you as a strong indicator of polite disinterest.


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XenopusMan
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24 Feb 2021, 3:09 pm

Yup. I guess I was only wondering because there were a couple of times where I essentially ended a convo, but she kept asking me questions because she wanted to know more about something. But once again, I still started those convos in the first place.



mohsart
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24 Feb 2021, 4:54 pm

TL;DR, but
I seem to end up in situations where I get a good feeling about people, and keep bombarding them with emails, skype messages etc without getting responses.
I try to tell them to stop me if I get irritating, and that it's not that I have a romantic interest in them, I just enjoy it when I get a conversation going with someone I enjoy having a conversation with.
But if I'm the only one speaking, it's not a conversation.

/Mats


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XenopusMan
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24 Feb 2021, 5:34 pm

I feel that, all of my “friendships” used to be like that when I was younger. She does respond nicely and thoughtfully and usually asks questions as well but last time she was just responding nicely and thoughtfully. But she never truly starts one on her own, but a few times she kept a convo going when there was no reason to, or responded to a snap I sent to everyone (which most of my actual friends didn’t respond to). I feel like telling her what you’ve been telling those people you message, although she’ll probably just tell me that it’s not annoying. I get that she’s probably not really my friend, but then again, I’m probably too awkward and uninteresting and give off too much negative energy for her to have any motive for starting convos with me. I guess I’ll just wait until I see her in person again and see how it goes.

For now I should probably just stick to people who I know for sure want me to talk to them. And work on myself some more. I just wish there was a way for this friendship to be an actual friendship. It DOES take me an exceedingly long time for me to make friends, however, in fact almost all of my current reciprocal friends started out with me bombarding them with messages and being one-sided and them never messaging me on their own, much like you mentioned.



AquaineBay
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24 Feb 2021, 8:47 pm

Yes, I think you should stop messaging her. It seems like you feel that the friendship is one-sided and it's starting to cause insecurities. Even if she is busy or have anxiety there is only so much you can do before you have to set a boundary and say "no, this is not working". It takes two to make a friendship work and if you are the only one keeping in contact then the friendship won't last. I would slowly decrease the number of messages and if the situation doesn't change then stop.

It's going to be hard(especially if she happens to be your only friend at this time) but if you keep going the insecurities most likely will just get worse and can cause stress.



Mona Pereth
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25 Feb 2021, 3:53 am

XenopusMan wrote:
I feel that, all of my “friendships” used to be like that when I was younger. She does respond nicely and thoughtfully and usually asks questions as well but last time she was just responding nicely and thoughtfully. But she never truly starts one on her own, but a few times she kept a convo going when there was no reason to, or responded to a snap I sent to everyone (which most of my actual friends didn’t respond to).

This suggests to me that, most likely, she DOES see you as a friend, though perhaps not an especially close friend.

What is she like, personality-wise? If she's generally a bit shy, that might be sufficient to explain why she "never truly starts one on her own." Also, you mentioned that she's physically attractive, so she probably gets lots of attention from lots of other people, hence might not have the energy to reach out to you even if she does like you as a friend.

XenopusMan wrote:
I feel like telling her what you’ve been telling those people you message, although she’ll probably just tell me that it’s not annoying. I get that she’s probably not really my friend, but then again, I’m probably too awkward and uninteresting and give off too much negative energy for her to have any motive for starting convos with me.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions one way or another.

I'm going to disagree with the recommendations of other people here that you just top messaging her. I would suggest that you probably should message her less often than you currently do, but don't drop out of her life completely.

My opinion is that friends are precious and should not be dropped without very good reason.

And I really dislike the idea that friendships have to be 50-50 in terms of who reaches out to whom. There have been times in my life when I just didn't have the energy to reach out to anyone, and I really appreciated the people who reached out to me and stuck with me through those times. Autistic people, in particular, are likely to go through times like that, and we almost certainly aren't the only people for whom this might be the case.

So, as long as your conversations with her seem to be mutually enjoyable, I see no reason to stop them altogether, although cutting down their frequency (and perhaps also cutting down their length) would probably be a good idea if you have concerns that you might be overdoing it.


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Mona Pereth
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25 Feb 2021, 4:22 am

XenopusMan wrote:
She has also told me personal info like the fact that she had the worst episode of depression she’d ever had, being diagnosed with OCD, and being worried that she had dyscalculia.

I don't think she would be volunteering this info if she didn't consider you a friend.

XenopusMan wrote:
I told her at one point that I don’t message a lot of people from high school because I’m worried that I’m being annoying as I’m not sure if they still consider me a friend. She said “no it’s not annoying it’s just that sometimes people are too busy or not in the right state of mind to respond.” Which is very accurate.

As you say, it's very accurate. I would suggest that you take her at her word.

It might also be a good idea to tell her, in general, that you have difficulty picking up on subtle hints, so, if you ever do anything that annoys her, you would appreciate it very much if she could let you know. Since you've already told her about ASD, hopefully this request will make sense to her.

On another subject: I notice that you live in Brooklyn. Are you aware of the various support groups for adults on the autism spectrum in the NYC area?


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XenopusMan
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25 Feb 2021, 7:25 pm

Actually yeah, I was being a little too hasty to assume I was simply bothering her. I might have also made it seem like I’ve been messaging her more than I actually have, we only have one long convo a month or so.
I guess I’ll probably think of something to tell her to make sure I’m not being annoying. I don’t know if I’d call her shy, but she does have social anxiety which she says is one of the main reasons she hardly ever messages anyone from high school anymore. She was shy around me at first when she saw me in July tho, but it was probably because she hadn’t seen me in 2 years and didn’t know how I’d act. She got over it quick, probably because I was acting friendly. I was shy too, however, and it showed, so I totally get it.

I do know of support groups, none of them seem to have helped much, but I’ll take a look at that link in your comment.



Last edited by XenopusMan on 25 Feb 2021, 8:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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25 Feb 2021, 7:57 pm

No. I don't think you should stop messaging this girl.....Mona has a good handle on this.



XenopusMan
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25 Feb 2021, 10:05 pm

Thanks. Thinking about it some more, I’m probably overthinking it a tad, there’s a few other people I know for a fact consider me a friend who not only never message me on their own, but also any conversation I start with them never gets very far. Since she doesn’t ever leave me on read, unlike a bunch of other people, I probably shouldn’t worry about this.



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13 Apr 2021, 11:11 am

its just Dynamic .because she has a BF , she probably consumed by that relationship amongst daily life .

you will find that she is genuine friendly . if she had no desire to interact you would see a 'seen' or blue tick on messages with no response 8) .

Focus Your Attention on People You Might Actually Meet Up in Person Locally .



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13 Apr 2021, 2:17 pm

XenopusMan wrote:
There was this girl that I was friends with in high school who I’d sometimes hang out with near the school, usually with a couple of other friends. We kind of drifted apart, partially because there were a lot of other people talking to her (especially guys, since they all seemed to think she was really pretty, but I was too socially unaware at the time to tell if someone was conventionally attractive or not), but also partially because I was kind of an as*hole the second half of high school because I was angry at the world and I didn’t know my issues were due to undiagnosed autism (not an excuse I know). She seemed okay with me by the end of senior year, however, and even asked me to sign her yearbook.
I saw her again in July with a mutual friend, two years after graduating, and a few weeks later I sent her an apology about how I acted in high school. She said it was okay and apologized too, but she seemed to think that I was apologizing for acting distant, not for being a little s**t.
A few weeks later I got diagnosed with ASD, OCD, Anxiety, and Depression. I asked her if she was in NYC (so I could tell her about it) and she said “I’m in Cali with my boyfriend.” That made me nervous, because it sounded like she thought I was hitting on her, so I told her about my diagnosis. She was like “Oh wow. How do you feel about that?” and we had a long discussion about it.
She seems to act like a friend whenever I message her, and asks me questions in response a good deal of the time (not during our last convo tho). We have things in common, like our love for animals, and she is also really nice, so I’d like to maintain this friendship if it’s actually a friendship. She has also told me personal info like the fact that she had the worst episode of depression she’d ever had, being diagnosed with OCD, and being worried that she had dyscalculia.
The thing is, she never messages me on her own, and never has. In early high school she’d sometimes talk to me on her own, and even told me I was one of the nicest people she’d met and one of the only people she could truly trust, but she has never messaged me on her own.
This makes me worried that the friendship is one-sided and that I’m bothering her by messaging her. Like, maybe she’s just being nice. But she’s also really anxious so even if she had something to say she probably wouldn’t. I’m wondering if this is likely an actual friendship and if I should continue to message her or if I should just leave her alone. I told her at one point that I don’t message a lot of people from high school because I’m worried that I’m being annoying as I’m not sure if they still consider me a friend. She said “no it’s not annoying it’s just that sometimes people are too busy or not in the right state of mind to respond.” Which is very accurate. What do you all think? Sorry about the length of this post, I tend to go on and on about things.


It sounds like she still cares about you and can relate to you with her own problems. It's ok to put your ball in her court every now and then. That said, if she starts ghosting you then don't bother her.