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Human_Trying
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12 Apr 2021, 11:34 am

Hey,

Just wondering what people say to themselves when they've made a huge mistake, or several huge mistakes, in a relationship or with a group of people. I'm having a hard time feeling hopeful that I can stop being the problem in my relationships with others, I'm worried that I'm just broken and that I can't help anything that I've ever done wrong. Or, if I really can't help those things, that I'm only doomed to repeat them. I feel like I'm just a problem waiting to happen to anyone I interact with. How does anyone gain a sense of hope from guilt and shame?

Thanks



Fnord
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12 Apr 2021, 11:41 am

I usually say something both profane and unprintable.

Then I hope for a quick way out.


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Mona Pereth
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13 Apr 2021, 11:01 pm

Human_Trying wrote:
Hey,

Just wondering what people say to themselves when they've made a huge mistake, or several huge mistakes, in a relationship or with a group of people. I'm having a hard time feeling hopeful that I can stop being the problem in my relationships with others, I'm worried that I'm just broken and that I can't help anything that I've ever done wrong. Or, if I really can't help those things, that I'm only doomed to repeat them. I feel like I'm just a problem waiting to happen to anyone I interact with. How does anyone gain a sense of hope from guilt and shame?

Thanks

What specific kinds of major problems have occurred in your relationships with others, if you feel comfortable telling us here?

Do you think better communication might help, in the future?


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MrsPeel
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14 Apr 2021, 6:08 am

Well, yeah, I know the feeling.
First there's the mortification and then there's the depression.

My strategies would come down to:
- I tell myself I am who I am, and can't help being the way I am.
- I remind myself that nobody's perfect and other people make mistakes too.
- I figure out a way to apologise or make amends, if possible.
- I pick myself up and go out and live my life as best I can, friends or no friends. Because what else can you do?



MrsPeel
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14 Apr 2021, 6:14 am

Oh I just thought of another good strategy.
Think about your gran or nanna.
Ask yourself whether they would want you to feel this way.



IsabellaLinton
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14 Apr 2021, 10:09 am

I'm sorry you are feeling this way with your friend group.

Guilt and shame are debilitating yet common responses to ongoing trauma. Guilt means that you think you've done something wrong, whether you did or not. It can be an impetus for change, and become a positive force if there are amends you really want to make. Shame is more crippling. It's an internal feeling of self-loathing, telling your subconscious that you are bad as a human being, as opposed to just your actions or choices. Shame can shatter our self-concept so that we truly feel at fault as people, as if we aren't worthy of forgiveness from ourselves or others. It's much more destructive than guilt, but unfortunately they often work hand-in-hand after trauma. You might want to try and identify which one you are feeling, at which times.

Guilt feels like "I made a mistake", whereas shame feels like "I'm a mistake! I'm a horrible person!"

I'm sure you aren't a horrible person, but that's how it feels. I hope you can forgive yourself for whatever happened in the past, and try to build a way forward.

Are you familiar with Brené Brown's work on Shame? Here's a few clips on shame that you might find helpful.





In terms of advice, I wonder if there's a way you can focus on one friendship, rather than the group dynamic? Is there one person from that circle, or even someone unrelated, you could trust? Perhaps starting with one person, and slowly disclosing with your thoughts and insecurities, could provide you with a safety net to feel comfortable? Having one friend is a lot more manageable that trying to fit with a group, with or without a history of social blunders.



kraftiekortie
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14 Apr 2021, 10:35 am

What sort of "mistakes" are you making?

I guess my generalized advice would be to learn from the mistakes you make, and try not to do them again.

If you're chronically late for gatherings, say, try to find a way to be on time.

And another would be: think before you say something. Think about the impact what you say would have on the other person or people.

It is very, very unlikely that you are hopelessly "broken."