I spend way too much time alone.

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cberg
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21 Apr 2021, 8:40 pm

I feel like I've always been a more social person than I can really admit to myself that I am, I'm posting from a room full of computers & I kind of feel like I'll always be stuck in this zone.

I guess I just remembered to eat lunch late instead of descending into a stupid existential panic but this happens almost every day anyway. There's not much to do but sanity-check myself over coffee.

Admittedly sometimes I really need all the space & downtime I can find. That doesn't mean I want to live this way itinerantly.


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22 Apr 2021, 12:21 am

I wish I was more of a computer person. Then I'd be working full-time, probably. If you're good at what you do, that's great! Perhaps you can find ways to be with people outside of your job, or you can get a different job where you're not always working behind the screen as much. Can you go back to school to broaden your skill set?



cberg
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22 Apr 2021, 6:23 pm

I've never been to college in my life & the pressure to conform enough to go there tends to scare me. I want to basically show more concern for people around me than my own skills & bottom line.


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cberg
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23 Apr 2021, 6:09 pm

Full time work can be rough but I'm applied to quite a number of things anyway. I just found out the maintainer of a big server operating system has an office in Denver & a remote software support job I applied to.

I've considered eventually getting a professional land surveyor certification but that might be as far as I take things, short of just getting lost in MIT or something. Working efficiently with technology doesn't stop it from being tiring & the later part of the pandemic has been effectively my only vacation after almost 2.5 years of internships.

I should be sleeping, I just thought I should clarify. If anything I need to grow my skills by NOT overworking.


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cberg
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23 Apr 2021, 9:22 pm

To be clear, I'm posting about all that work in this forum because I sort of see it as the result of my complacence towards immense social pressure to constantly apply myself, at more or less any cost. It's not that I dislike learning, it's been my way of life for years, but that doesn't make it healthy for me to keep focused on my career at the expense of all my personal relationships.

It's not just me who needs a healthier relationship with technology.

In other words it's extremely troubling that spending my life on difficult technical challenges merely makes me look well-adjusted to modern life when in reality it's an escapist mechanism to mask my social anxiety despite the fact I know how to work past it on a good day anyway. Obsessively focusing on what I'm good at makes everything else seem out of reach. I have a lot of skills outside computing but it's never long until I get poked towards it again, either because I could use the money or just because my subconscious is forcing me to spend another year not really staying in touch with most people who know me.


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RetroGamer87
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24 Apr 2021, 9:38 am

cberg wrote:
I feel like I've always been a more social person than I can really admit to myself that I am, I'm posting from a room full of computers & I kind of feel like I'll always be stuck in this zone.
Just how many computers are we talking about?


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shortfatbalduglyman
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24 Apr 2021, 10:41 am

There is no correct amount of time to waste alone

Not everyone wastes the same amount of time alone

Not everyone has the same needs or desires



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24 Apr 2021, 3:06 pm

Right now, everyone in the entire world regrets having to spend most of their time alone or with family.
Most NT people have become used to a very social life, and Covid has forced everyone to isolate themselves just to stay safe.
The loneliness and frustration and anger is, I feel, a primary source of the emotional breakdowns behind the mass shootings and riots and demonstrations we are enduring.
When I even walk my dog, The sidewalks are almost empty.


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cberg
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24 Apr 2021, 6:19 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
cberg wrote:
I feel like I've always been a more social person than I can really admit to myself that I am, I'm posting from a room full of computers & I kind of feel like I'll always be stuck in this zone.
Just how many computers are we talking about?


I guess they're down in numbers these days unless I count things like a bunch of bricked old smartphones but I have four in my room since it's also my office. At least they're mostly laptops save for the big machine I just built.

They're almost like a meditative outlet to structure thoughts I can't get across in reality, so I pour all my brain's energy into optimizing systems and refining my craft. My concern is that people have come to view this as a greater need of mine than human interaction itself.


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cberg
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25 Apr 2021, 12:18 am

I feel like this isn't fair to some people who know me but who am I to say? I don't know how to involve them in my life again anyway, everything everyone thinks about ASD says I'll just get it wrong.


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RetroGamer87
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26 Apr 2021, 11:10 am

cberg wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
cberg wrote:
I feel like I've always been a more social person than I can really admit to myself that I am, I'm posting from a room full of computers & I kind of feel like I'll always be stuck in this zone.
Just how many computers are we talking about?


I guess they're down in numbers these days unless I count things like a bunch of bricked old smartphones but I have four in my room since it's also my office. At least they're mostly laptops save for the big machine I just built.

They're almost like a meditative outlet to structure thoughts I can't get across in reality, so I pour all my brain's energy into optimizing systems and refining my craft. My concern is that people have come to view this as a greater need of mine than human interaction itself.


At least you got skills.


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cberg
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26 Apr 2021, 8:16 pm

I guess that's why it seems I'm just complaining about more first world problems, on paper that's the way things are. On a real personal level I have no clue what I could really be doing better with my time, but I just got my first dose of the Pfizer vaccine so presumably a few things...


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cberg
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01 May 2021, 7:02 pm

Well this is how today is happening too. I'm way too damn tired of presuming there's no reason to go see anybody because I'm just no good socially.

It's just all desolation & uselessness where I'm concerned, other people do not actually care about a technological Swiss army knife unless there's actually a reason to. I want to leave & stop bothering with trying to please anyone but there's pretty much absolutely nowhere to go.


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kraftiekortie
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01 May 2021, 7:05 pm

At least you got the Rocky Mountains.....



cberg
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02 May 2021, 12:42 am

I guess it's more of an introspective problem than a literal wall in front of me, I should actually go do some stuff today but it's not an easy feeling.


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-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos :mrgreen:


quite an extreme
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02 May 2021, 6:36 am

cberg wrote:
I guess it's more of an introspective problem than a literal wall in front of me, I should actually go do some stuff today but it's not an easy feeling.

Get out into the sun light where you can see some people. Try to keep a much to good mood and make yourself a nice Sunday! Life is to short to waste it on bad thoughts ... :wink:


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