Page 1 of 2 [ 20 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

browneyedgirlslowingdown
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 2 May 2021
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 191

02 May 2021, 9:33 pm

Hi, I have a lot of trouble understanding intent and have a tendency to be abused, or exploited by people. I have eliminated most people from my life but I would like to have some rules about what makes someone a good friend and what makes someone a bad friend. Does anyone else have a list like this? I googled a bunch but I feel like I am still having trouble understanding. I want to know things to avoid or look for if that makes sense. Also with boundaries, does anyone have boundaries for people?

P.S I am new here so I am not sure if I am allowed to post this here.

Thanks,

Browneyedgirl


_________________
Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52


IsabellaLinton
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 40,103

02 May 2021, 9:39 pm

Hello and welcome to WP.

Regarding the friends list, I guess it depends on the purpose of your friendship with the person. Sometimes it's a connection regarding a special interest or hobby and you only see them in that context, or primarily discuss those topics. Other friends might be related to work / school settings, or neighbourhood chit-chat etc. It's important to know how the other person feels about the friendship and what's important to them (regular contact vs catching up now and then, etc).

Regarding boundaries, I don't put any boundaries on other people. The boundaries are always on myself, because I can only control myself. I do journalling and a lot of self-reflection to figure out which boundaries feel right for me in relationships. It's not important or necessary to tell the other person your boundaries, but it's very important to act on them in your own behaviour. For example if you decide that you aren't comfortable in a certain situation with someone, and it occurs, you need to trust yourself that you'll take steps to walk away or stand up for yourself, as needed.



browneyedgirlslowingdown
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 2 May 2021
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 191

03 May 2021, 5:41 am

Thanks for your reply. I understand friendship in the way you describe but I am still asking about something else. I am trying to make sure I am protected. I have trouble understanding intent not to be my friend but to do things beyond that, use me, take advantage, so on and so forth. I don't seek friendship really, but people try to befriend me often. At work, school, etc and I need rules to filter people out to not let them close. I think I will just try to figure it out myself again.

Thanks

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Hello and welcome to WP.

Regarding the friends list, I guess it depends on the purpose of your friendship with the person. Sometimes it's a connection regarding a special interest or hobby and you only see them in that context, or primarily discuss those topics. Other friends might be related to work / school settings, or neighbourhood chit-chat etc. It's important to know how the other person feels about the friendship and what's important to them (regular contact vs catching up now and then, etc).

Regarding boundaries, I don't put any boundaries on other people. The boundaries are always on myself, because I can only control myself. I do journalling and a lot of self-reflection to figure out which boundaries feel right for me in relationships. It's not important or necessary to tell the other person your boundaries, but it's very important to act on them in your own behaviour. For example if you decide that you aren't comfortable in a certain situation with someone, and it occurs, you need to trust yourself that you'll take steps to walk away or stand up for yourself, as needed.


_________________
Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52


Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,147
Location: New York City (Queens)

05 May 2021, 3:37 pm

browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
Hi, I have a lot of trouble understanding intent and have a tendency to be abused, or exploited by people. I have eliminated most people from my life but I would like to have some rules about what makes someone a good friend and what makes someone a bad friend. Does anyone else have a list like this? I googled a bunch but I feel like I am still having trouble understanding. I want to know things to avoid or look for if that makes sense. Also with boundaries, does anyone have boundaries for people?

P.S I am new here so I am not sure if I am allowed to post this here.


One major red flag is too much flattery. Everyone likes compliments now and then, and it's fine for someone to give you compliments now and then. But a super-abundance of compliments probably means that someone is trying to manipulate you.

Another major red flag is gossip. If someone talks to you in detail about everyone else they know, then they are probably talking to everyone else they know about you too. So don't tell that person anything unless you want it publicized.


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter (new as of 2021)


browneyedgirlslowingdown
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 2 May 2021
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 191

05 May 2021, 3:46 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
Hi, I have a lot of trouble understanding intent and have a tendency to be abused, or exploited by people. I have eliminated most people from my life but I would like to have some rules about what makes someone a good friend and what makes someone a bad friend. Does anyone else have a list like this? I googled a bunch but I feel like I am still having trouble understanding. I want to know things to avoid or look for if that makes sense. Also with boundaries, does anyone have boundaries for people?

P.S I am new here so I am not sure if I am allowed to post this here.


One major red flag is too much flattery. Everyone likes compliments now and then, and it's fine for someone to give you compliments now and then. But a super-abundance of compliments probably means that someone is trying to manipulate you.

Another major red flag is gossip. If someone talks to you in detail about everyone else they know, then they are probably talking to everyone else they know about you too. So don't tell that person anything unless you want it publicized.


I ended up making a list for myself, but I missed your first one, I will add it too, Thanks!


_________________
Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52


Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 50,470
Location: Stendec

05 May 2021, 4:00 pm

Rules for Friendships

• Honesty.  Always.  No exceptions.

• Say it to my face, not behind my back.

• Do not touch me unless I ask you to.

• Take 'No' for an answer.

• Do not judge me unless I am in physical danger.

• Forgive me before I apologize.

• If you ask a personal question, expect an answer you do not like.

• Respect my attachments to my beliefs.

• If there are two ways to take something I said -- a good way and a bad way -- assume the good way.

• When in doubt, ask.

• If you borrow it, return it ... quickly and undamaged.

• If you break it, fix it, have it fixed, or replace it.

• If you make a promise, do not break it; trust is ruined quicker than it is earned.

• If I ask for your advice, I may not follow it; but please give it anyway.

• If I offend you, tell me!


_________________
 Link to Official List of Trump's Atrocities 

45OFFICE = TRE45ON
Lock Him Up!


browneyedgirlslowingdown
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 2 May 2021
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 191

05 May 2021, 4:09 pm

Fnord wrote:
Rules for Friendships

• Honesty.  Always.  No exceptions.

• Say it to my face, not behind my back.

• Do not touch me unless I ask you to.

• Take 'No' for an answer.

• Do not judge me unless I am in physical danger.

• Forgive me before I apologize.

• If you ask a personal question, expect an answer you do not like.

• Respect my attachments to my beliefs.

• If there are two ways to take something I said -- a good way and a bad way -- assume the good way.

• When in doubt, ask.

• If you borrow it, return it ... quickly and undamaged.

• If you break it, fix it, have it fixed, or replace it.

• If you make a promise, do not break it; trust is ruined quicker than it is earned.

• If I ask for your advice, I may not follow it; but please give it anyway.

• If I offend you, tell me!


THANKS! I missed a lot of these, I will add them to my list :-) ! !!


_________________
Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52


Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,147
Location: New York City (Queens)

05 May 2021, 6:04 pm

browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
I ended up making a list for myself, but I missed your first one, I will add it too, Thanks!

You're welcome. I'm glad I could be of help.

If you feel okay about doing so, it would be nice if you could post at least some of the other items on your list. They might be helpful to other people too.


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter (new as of 2021)


browneyedgirlslowingdown
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 2 May 2021
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 191

05 May 2021, 6:35 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
I ended up making a list for myself, but I missed your first one, I will add it too, Thanks!

You're welcome. I'm glad I could be of help.

If you feel okay about doing so, it would be nice if you could post at least some of the other items on your list. They might be helpful to other people too.


Good idea, It's pretty personal to me, but I will add it to my post and it is here as well.

Close: Bestfriend or Romantic Relationship
Special Interest Friend: Goal-Directed meaning there is a point that is not connection

Friend Rules
Good- Transparency, Reliability, Supportive, Trust, Resolve Miscommunications, Dedicated Time, Distinct Purpose, Reciprocal, Apologies Occur, If I cause offense they let me know, They Keep Promises

Excellent- Everything above, plus acceptance, and a deep feeling of connection on a different plane.

Bad - Omission, One sidedness, Meanness, Cruelty, Namecalling, Bulling, Pressure, Manipulation, Lies, Unreliable, Ignores My Distress, Unfinished Conversations for Lengthy Periods of Time, Plays Games, Two-Faced, Judgemental, Comparing Suffering, Too much flattery, Touching without my consent

Signs of Badness
I feel like I can't ask for help
I feel like the person draws more resources from the “friendship bank” than they ever put into it.
I feel like the person is not interested in my life, problems or experiences
I feel like they are in control and things are on their terms
I feel like I am walking on eggshells when interacting with them
I feel like they want me to behave in ways that are not congruent with my thoughts, feelings, identity
They push against my boundaries
They don't take no for an answer
They act jealous of people
They criticize others and me
They yell or talk rudely to me

Rules of Engagement
-Connection is my choice and only should occur in the absence of badness and at the level I deem appropriate close or special interest.
-Special Interest First then Closeness if I determine its appropriate by my heart and instincts
-If there is connection, and they are in the close category touch without consent that was initially consented to is okay.


_________________
Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52


browneyedgirlslowingdown
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 2 May 2021
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 191

05 May 2021, 7:55 pm

These are my rules/boundaries for friendship, it's only been a week and it's been awesome having them. I also made ones for work too!

Close: Bestfriend or Romantic Relationship
Special Interest Friend: Goal-Directed meaning there is a point that is not connection

Friend Rules
Good- Transparency, Reliability, Supportive, Trust, Resolve Miscommunications, Dedicated Time, Distinct Purpose, Reciprocal, Apologies Occur, If I cause offense they let me know, They Keep Promises

Excellent- Everything above, plus acceptance, and a deep feeling of connection on a different plane.

Bad - Omission, One sidedness, Meanness, Cruelty, Namecalling, Bulling, Pressure, Manipulation, Lies, Unreliable, Ignores My Distress, Unfinished Conversations for Lengthy Periods of Time, Plays Games, Two-Faced, Judgemental, Comparing Suffering, Too much flattery, Touching without my consent

Signs of Badness
I feel like I can't ask for help
I feel like the person draws more resources from the “friendship bank” than they ever put into it.
I feel like the person is not interested in my life, problems or experiences
I feel like they are in control and things are on their terms
I feel like I am walking on eggshells when interacting with them
I feel like they want me to behave in ways that are not congruent with my thoughts, feelings, identity
They push against my boundaries
They don't take no for an answer
They act jealous of people
They criticize others and me
They yell or talk rudely to me

Rules of Engagement
-Connection is my choice and only should occur in the absence of badness and at the level I deem appropriate close or special interest.
-Special Interest First then Closeness if I determine its appropriate by my heart and instincts
-If there is connection, and they are in the close category touch without consent that was initially consented to is okay.


_________________
Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52


BeaArthur
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Posts: 5,775

08 May 2021, 2:37 pm

Ah yes, autistics and their rules.

These are good lists, but will you remember all of them in the heat of action? Once you have internalized them, though, you will know instantaneously, by an uneasy feeling in your gut or the back of your mind, that something is a bit off. Trust that uneasy feeling!


_________________
A finger in every pie.


browneyedgirlslowingdown
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 2 May 2021
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 191

08 May 2021, 6:37 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
Ah yes, autistics and their rules.

These are good lists, but will you remember all of them in the heat of action? Once you have internalized them, though, you will know instantaneously, by an uneasy feeling in your gut or the back of your mind, that something is a bit off. Trust that uneasy feeling!


I understand your point, but having a reference built on my framework is really useful for me. I don't understand what you mean by in the heat of the moment. The ways I feel at the bottom are the heat of the moment reactions. The other points are for referencing later or beforehand to determine whether I want to continue contact.


_________________
Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52


BeaArthur
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Posts: 5,775

08 May 2021, 6:55 pm

What I mean by in the heat of action is, when interacting with another person, you aren't going to remember all these bullet points simultaneously. It's an overly intellectualized, rule-oriented approach to human interactions. But over time, all the things you have learned and taught yourself will become accessible without conscious thought, like the way we can drive home from work and not remember actually driving there.

But at first, you're likely to be too awkward and halting in putting these into practice. That's all I meant. Autistic people are often awkward in social situations because they haven't reached the level of automaticity.


_________________
A finger in every pie.


browneyedgirlslowingdown
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 2 May 2021
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 191

08 May 2021, 9:29 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
What I mean by in the heat of action is, when interacting with another person, you aren't going to remember all these bullet points simultaneously. It's an overly intellectualized, rule-oriented approach to human interactions. But over time, all the things you have learned and taught yourself will become accessible without conscious thought, like the way we can drive home from work and not remember actually driving there.

But at first, you're likely to be too awkward and halting in putting these into practice. That's all I meant. Autistic people are often awkward in social situations because they haven't reached the level of automaticity.


I am not sure why you are trying to tell me how/when I would use these and how they may/ may not work. They are for my own purposes. Not the way you expect me to be using them. They work for me, I like them, it's effective for me. I shared them because someone said that they may be useful for other people. I am intellectual, I am rule-oriented for the governance of my interactions with humans and my life with them. I don't want anything other than to be myself and this is how I am.


_________________
Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52


BeaArthur
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Posts: 5,775

09 May 2021, 9:18 am

That's ok. But it reminds me of Sheldon Cooper who insisted nobody else could sit on "his" part of the couch, and who had "roommate agreements" and "relationship contracts." Ultimately he got Mayim Bialik to marry him (in the show) so I guess that worked out ok.


_________________
A finger in every pie.


browneyedgirlslowingdown
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 2 May 2021
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 191

09 May 2021, 9:32 am

BeaArthur wrote:
That's ok. But it reminds me of Sheldon Cooper who insisted nobody else could sit on "his" part of the couch, and who had "roommate agreements" and "relationship contracts." Ultimately he got Mayim Bialik to marry him (in the show) so I guess that worked out ok.


The people in my life that are close to me understand and accept me so, it does work for me.


_________________
Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52