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Earthbound_Alien
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08 May 2021, 10:27 am

Has anyone here noticed the world seems to have changed over the last 20 years?

Sense of humour seems to have died, they don't have relaxed conversations anymore, when I lived back in the midlands, before moving to norfolk, people would talk about the latest tv show, or just relax in front of the box with what is known as a 'comfortable silence'.

It's as if they are all on some kind of sugar high and it has over excited their voice box.

Now all they do is talk about problems, or their laundry, or their husband not helping with the ironing.

We went out places and did stuff together, now they just want to sit in groups with a cup of tea and talk endlessly about themselves...what they had for dinner, what time they took a s**t, what colour it was, when they last farted, why they went for a blue perm instead of a purple one this time and why they gave up the mint humbugs.

They are obsessed with Ego to the point it has driven me insane, i can't even enjoy my favourite hobbies without someone trying to make out it's all about worthiness...i am not interested, I just want to enjoy my hobby time without the massive ego trip. They spoil everything that is fun with their endless self absorption. I curse the self esteem obsession because even though other people can't see it it is ruining everything in this society and turning people against each other.

I don't want friends whom want to be worthy of me, that would freak me the Fook out.

I am an atypical female and always have been, I have never been girly or overly emotional in the same way as other females...my feelings do not work like theirs.

I don't get all romantic with men...i can't stand mills and boon.
I don't empathy except for basic human emotions (ie disappointment, general sadness etc) but not for their belief systems (ie feeling worthy or worthless? got nothing).
I do have compassion but I can't express it
I am painfully shy and I get a hard time because of that...sometimes I just can't talk to people, other times it wears off and then I can and other times (but very rarely) I can talk to some straight away.

I normally have to be drunk just to say hi to someone.

And then when I do socialise it's a nightmare. If I am not a walking chatter box they think I don't like them, they get paranoid, they think I am unfriendly and I can't keep thinking of things to say, especially when I am tired. I am sick of this societies lack of understanding when it comes to shyness and introversion (which I am on the extreme side of).

I never fitted in when I was a child, or a teenager because I am plain outright weird and always have been but at least, on occassion, people were more fun to hang out...we went to the cinema, bowling, darts, played pool, watched movies, went for a drive, went for a meal and so on and so forth.

Now they want deep meaning ful chats about their feelings.

I don't want friends because I can't cope with the amount socialising it takes to maintain the friendships, other females don't think or feel like me so I can't (and never have) really understood them...they were interested in boys and make up when I was growing up and playing mummies and daddies etc and I was interested in collecting bank forms and going to museums.

My parents tried relentlessly to turn me into a typical girl and failed abysmally.

But I am not a monster, I am just bloody weird and was probably born into the wrong gender (I am not gay, I don't mind having a female anatomy but I think more like a man). As a result I have always related more to males but now even they are becoming more feminine and also want deep chats about their somewhat more female feelings I really don't understand.

I may not sound it with my rant but I am humanitarian but all the same, on a personal level, I just don't enjoy the company of other humans anymore.

I don't enjoy socialising.

I used to want a partner but I changed my mind...they are either too violent or too feminine, too distant or too clingy and I have to give up my hobbies for them. I didn't want to have to choose the between the two but life has had other ideas and has forced me. I'd rather be alone with my hobbies than without them but with a partner.

I know this because I have been happier on my own with my hobbies than I have with partners without them in the past.

I had hoped to find someone whom wouldn't want me to give them up, but it's never happened and I can't be bothered to look anymore. They all want socially conventional girly girls anyway, not someone whom prefered her brothers toy cars over the dolls my parents insisted on buying me.

I hope one day this society can learn to accept aytpical females but I won't hold my breath waiting for it.

Anyway I need and miss my alone time (not me time...quiet time, no chat, no noise, no other people, just me and whatever I happen to be doing, no pressure to talk, to think, or be social).

I like living alone, i prefer living alone and have not wanted to live with anyone else since I was 23 years old.

Does anyone else find they don't actually enjoy being social?



Double Retired
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09 May 2021, 9:23 am

Earthbound_Alien wrote:
Does anyone else find they don't actually enjoy being social?
I'm OK with it...in extremely small doses. Short duration in small crowd (no more than two other couples...and I do prefer to have my bride along because she is better at socializing so with her there I can stay mostly in the background).

I notice two things in what you described:

(1) You didn't mention the discussion spending a lot more time on medical issues and appointments. As the crowd gets older the discussion tends to drift further in that direction.

(2) It sounded like the change you observed may have begun when you "back in the midlands, before moving to norfolk". Is the change due to time or location?


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mohsart
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10 May 2021, 3:10 am

I don't mind socializing with others, but I don't need it.
And with most people, it gets really awkward really fast, since I usually don't have much to add to the conversation so it kinda dies out.
When I discovered alcohol in my late teens, it was like unlocking a mistery. Suddenly I could speak with others, even with girls!
I have gotten better by time, so I don't really need the drink anymore, but I still suck at making small talk.
When I lived in Stockholm I had tons of friends, but since I moved, about 10 years ago, I have not managed to make one single friend. I can feel lonely sometimes, but in general, I don't really mind it.
Oh and I feel much more comfortable with women than men, I don't think I'm a woman in a mans body, I just have more in common with females.

/Mats


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ToughDiamond
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11 May 2021, 1:04 am

I haven't noticed any particular change in people, though what with the lockdowns I've barely had any "live" social contact at all. I've always thought people are rather more interested in themselves than in others, but so am I, so although I wish we were all more outgoing, I tend to think it's just natural that we're self-interested. And there are exceptions.

Whether or not I enjoy company depends a lot on who it is and the circumstances. These days I also tend to get overwhelmed by a feeling that I might say or do something stupid or offensive, and that feeling tends to spoil a lot of the enjoyment for me. I seem to "perform" fairly well, but a lot of the time I feel like I'm on some kind of automatic pilot where I seem to be just cranking out my behaviour according to some formula that's designed to minimise risk.

I sometimes wish I could get back to the way I used to be before I became so self-conscious, especially a time when I felt very safe and confident with my friends from that time, and I could really relax and had very little sense of inhibition. Looking back, I think I was overconfident and probably annoyed people a lot with my overtalking, bluntness and arrogance - I was way too full of myself. I've stopped behaving like that, but there's nothing to put in its place. I still don't have much of these social skills of asking about people. I hand out a few compliments when I feel they're true, and if the other person talks about themselves, I'll very often engage with them as long as what they're saying happens to interest me.

But a lot of the time I don't feel like I'm quite there with them, and I'm usually relieved to get away from them - not that I particularly dislike them, I just feel safer when there's nobody around for me to annoy.



autisticelders
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11 May 2021, 4:43 am

One of the ways we know we are autistic!
"Being social" is too hard, there are too many pitfalls and uncomfortable places where I don't understand what is going on or why.
Being alone doesn't worry me the way I worry when I am interacting with one or more people.
Am I saying the right things, am I being too loud, am I standing too close, how do I escape this screamingly boring or scary individual who goes on and on and is oppressive?
Why is everybody laughing, I don't get it??
How do I interact with this person who only says Yes or No?
What is annoying this person I am trying to talk to?
What does this guy want from me?
Is "this" what they mean when they say "that", what does he or she want me to say, etc etc etc.

I don't have to worry about hurting or angering anybody if I am by myself.

Social struggles are one of the things that help us get an autism diagnosis.



aquafelix
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11 May 2021, 5:13 am

I don't mind socializing if I'm talking about something that interests me



Aprilviolets
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12 May 2021, 10:26 pm

i go to the local community house and play Rummy.



IsabellaLinton
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12 May 2021, 10:47 pm

I love your summary, Earthbound!

I can't think of any social events in my entire life that I actually wanted to attend, or actually enjoyed, apart from hanging out with my daughter or my boyfriend.

Weddings, parties, staff socials, group activities, friends, other women? Forget it.



Dear_one
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14 May 2021, 6:22 am

I enjoyed socializing more before I knew how different I was, unaware of the difference between IQ and EQ.
Culture has changed this century, but you and your friends are also just acting like older people now.

As one 12-yr old girl observed "Adults just sit and talk. They talk and talk, and don't Do anything at all. There is nothing in the world duller than adultery."



ToughDiamond
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14 May 2021, 12:58 pm

Looks like NTs may be starting to discover what it's like for us, thanks to the pandemic:

https://www.bbc.com/news/newsbeat-57100378

Of course the BBC might just be talking up an issue that barely exists, but maybe there's a glimmer of hope that some of those social butterflies out there will at last get to walk a mile in our moccasins.



Dear_one
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14 May 2021, 1:04 pm

My sister the social butterfly has been even more cautious than I about Covid. She has just been home with her husband, and the only indication I can get on how she's doing is that she did share a small boat with him for an outing. She hasn't mentioned Zoom - it may not be an adequate substitute for her.



ToughDiamond
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14 May 2021, 6:09 pm

^
There was one of the people in the article who didn't go for Zoom, and said (of going back to her social life), ".....it wasn't as simple as I thought.......I didn't realise how tiring it would be." Hopefully your sister is being wise and venturing back into the madding crowd via small steps. But I have a sneaking suspicion one of these mutant forms of Covid might be poised ready to send everybody running for cover again, which would scupper everything of course.



cyberdad
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14 May 2021, 10:09 pm

One possible change over the last 20 years is the rise in online interactions which for many is a substitute for face to face. The language of online interaction is short/hitting which for the current generation born with ipads/phones from the time they were born is normalised. I notice my younger co-workers are incapable of holding a normal conversation without compulsively checking their phones.

Online socialising has also led to more problems paying attention to people, their minds seem to be elsewhere. It also has increased narcissistic traits in people who are more concerned how they look online. For example spending most of a concert filming the performance or staring at themselves at a restaurant and filming their food and guests which they upload on instagram or facebook. Heck, even my 87 year old mother does this!!

The age of long conversations, taking in the ambience of our environment in face to face settings seems to be becoming out of date. I even notice how quick people lose interest in conversations here on WP.



Lost_dragon
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15 May 2021, 8:39 am

I'm actually looking forward to socialising again in person and I've been keeping in touch online. Generally I like groups of two or three (including myself in that number).

cyberdad wrote:
One possible change over the last 20 years is the rise in online interactions which for many is a substitute for face to face. The language of online interaction is short/hitting which for the current generation born with ipads/phones from the time they were born is normalised. I notice my younger co-workers are incapable of holding a normal conversation without compulsively checking their phones.

Online socialising has also led to more problems paying attention to people, their minds seem to be elsewhere. It also has increased narcissistic traits in people who are more concerned how they look online. For example spending most of a concert filming the performance or staring at themselves at a restaurant and filming their food and guests which they upload on instagram or facebook. Heck, even my 87 year old mother does this!!

The age of long conversations, taking in the ambience of our environment in face to face settings seems to be becoming out of date. I even notice how quick people lose interest in conversations here on WP.


Personally I had a flip phone as a kid. I don't check my phone during conversations, but I will admit to capturing things rather than experiencing them - but that can work out since it leaves me with photos to look at later and sometimes seeing the reaction of a friend can be more enjoyable than the event itself, but for some reason they can't make it. So the next best thing is sharing it with them. My social media is mainly a form of self-promotion, to show that I am well-rounded and hopefully worth hiring. The validation is also addictive I'll admit, but I post somewhat infrequently and I don't think it consumes my life. Not being on social media isn't an option, I would've lost it without contact from my friends. I miss being around people my age. Plus, many employers now think of no social media presence as suspicious (especially if you're young), and it is actively encouraged that you make accounts.


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