Help! I need a tiny bit of affecton from my 21 y.o. son

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momofteenaspie
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25 May 2021, 11:16 am

He's a good person. super intelligent. never been bullied. had great friends til his friends' interests became typical adolescent stuff so my son backed out of socializing. he's passive, you can see that he loves it when an old friend or 2 come over to the house to see him a couple of times a year, but he would never call them etc. hates texting and even tried to get a phone without texting features. uses his phone only for internet data when he's on the train., has had an emotionally positive life bc he had friends, his sister was his constant buddy, lots of love at home, lots of help from me and private tutors academically and my bringing his friends to the house constantly, etc. my point is that he doesn't have emotional scars. Said a few times when he was young teen or preteen Mom thanks for all that you do for me. Is finishing up a 2-year computer programming degree and may get a job offer where he's interning, When he's not at work or at school he's always in his room and we are not permitted to ever go inside whether he's there or not. The past few years he refuses to hug me. Even though i reason that i am his mother and that i need and deserve it. The only mother he will ever have and I need love from him. The few times that ive cried because i was sad and begged for a hug, he's given me a wimpy hug, but like on purpose, like saying that i can't make him do something that he doesnt want to do. Don't know how much is teen rebellion or how much is that I will always be mourning the emotional loss of my son. Any opinions, feelings, experiences would be greatly appreciated. It's been a long time since I was on this forum and I'm glad there's a place to go for help.



magz
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25 May 2021, 12:02 pm

How common is it in your culture that 21yo sons hug their mothers?


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Juliette
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25 May 2021, 1:08 pm

My youngest son, now 22yrs and at Uni, stopped hugging me at the age of 7yrs. I kind of mourned that, though understood his sensory issues and issues with both “touch” and “proximity” to others. I advocated for him in school, then home educated him. We have always been close. Hugging-wise, I am a Mum who is so grateful right now, as ever since he moved to London for Uni, I now receive the most beautiful hug upon greeting and goodbyes. I cannot tell you how much that means to me after all these years! My message to you is that if he only stopped hugging you a “few years” ago, there’s every chance, he will again give you the hugs you crave from him, sometime in the future.

Every child is different, that’s for sure. I have three on the spectrum, all adults now. I’ve always agreed with the adage that “everything in life is temporary”. As mothers, whether we’re on the spectrum ourselves or not, our children “owe” us nothing. We need to respect them as they hopefully respect us. You gave your all, no doubt in raising your son with love and understanding, guiding him and doing your all to ensure he felt supported and loved.

I hope that your son will “want” to hug you again in the future as I understand completely how that feels. But, if he can’t give you that, then I hope you can accept that as well, for your relationship-sake with your son. The last thing you need or want is a son who pulls completely away or freezes you out emotionally, then physically because of emotional/physical demands. It might be hard, but it definitely pays off to humbly accept what your son is comfortable with giving. Be that words, actions or just the fact he talks and shares things with you.

I have three adult Aspie children who now all give me the best hugs, but more importantly, they share their lives with me, visiting and staying over, sometimes joining me on holidays overseas(in the US) or here in the UK. We celebrate every occasion together, and laugh, make music together, watch movies, give our time and support to each other.

I truly feel for you, but I do understand his perspective as well. You sound like an amazing Mother! Time and further patience may be needed :)



momofteenaspie
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25 May 2021, 5:05 pm

Hi Magz, Spain is very touch-feely, and people do the 2 kisses etc. My son is planning on temporarily moving to some country in northern europe or eastern europe where he says people are more reserved and he won't have to make small talk etc.

Juliette, thank you so much for your comments. That's why i posted to get that type of feedback. My son wasn't diagnosed til 13, actually he was diagnosed as non-asperger at 7, at 11, Finally at 13 in the same respected autism center in madrid she recognized the theory of mind issue. Actually in her report she said that she hadn't caught it earlier because "he had been so socialized by his mother". he really only had attention and concentration problems. I made sure he never repeated grade because he couldn't be separated from his classmates who he had been with since he was 3. But the school had seen another boy with aspergers a few years older and told me to check it out. I was shocked. he was so social, so funny, sweet, adored his friends... I know he'll never marry (and shouldn't) and he has no cousins (just girl 3rd cousins in Santander on the northern coast) and just his sister who is a good girl but quite introverted and shy (she's always been popular and loved by her friends, and went to Flamenco classes twice a week for years, but hated going to large gatherings or when older to hang out around the town center or bars but in the last couple of years, since before univ, she's barely gone out with her friends -- and no sign of being interested in boys at 19 -- in September she'll be doing erasmus at Limerick Univ. in Ireland and i hope that helps her to come out of her shell). She also was a dancing butterfly from the moment she was born til she got to be around 11ish i think. She's always been an avid reader but that now occupies all of her free time (all in english now) and addicted to animés. Ive wondered so many times if she has very very mild asperger, but probably it's just the introversion and shyness. She also doesn't give me information about anything, like her brother. Maybe i was too involved with them, maybe i invaded their space, maybe they're not ready for me to know their thoughts. i've always been very honest with them about myself, my mistakes, I'm very open-minded and liberal person and this has been reflected in my conversations with them. I've always told them how important psychology is, to communicate their hopes, fears, difficulties if not with me, then with their friends. My daughter's friends told me she really doesn't talk about her personal thoughts. When i was in HS my girlfriends knew everything about me. Anyway, this is about Fernando, not about Angie.
"Our children owe us nothing"......that's hard to digest. I think they owe me love and kindness. I think that a hug is not immoral or damaging or bad or difficult. I don't get what the problem is with a hug. I know that you know how painful it is to see someone who you adore have such difficulties, but worse even, that they are difficulties for life. I fear having my son die alone in a dark room in front of a lonely computer. I was an only child with no siblings and no first cousins and when my second cousins were born, i was already living in the us. And in 1967 you didn't fly and phone calls were too expesive. and i hated the loneliness. It is my great terror that my kids will feel alone. And my parents were from a village in Spain from the Franco era and I was a New Yorker. Anyway, off the subject. I do hope that this is a transition stage and that when he's fully into adulthood he'll be more open. I can't imagine having what you describe as your family life the way you socialize with your kids. That would be my dream come true. I've already put a call in to the local autism center where my son went to therapy for a couple of years where my son wasted his sessions because he wouldn't talk about anything til he one day said he didn't want to return. So i can talk to them about me and my problem with this. My husband has aspergers (diagnosed by me) and it's lonely in this house, now that for a few years school activities don't involve me and that friends don't come around anymore. Thanks for listening.