Something is wrong with me. Its the only explanation.

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Mona Pereth
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31 May 2021, 12:43 am

dorkseid wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
If you know someone who is demisexual, then how can you claim that everyone evaluates people for sexual attractiveness when they first meet?


There will always be exceptions to any rule. Demisexuals are outliers, and are few and far between.

Demisexuals are probably more common among women than among men. And there are a lot more people, both women and men, who aren't quite "demisexuals," strictly speaking, but who still place a very high relative value on things, other than physical attractiveness, that can lead to an emotional bond, such as common interests and values.

dorkseid wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
Of course, not evaluating people for sexual attractiveness when they first meet doesn't guarantee that they will find someone sexually attractive later.


And if I was just talking about one individual not finding me attractive that wouldn't mean anything. The point is that I have been rejected by every woman I've ever met in my entire adult life, including bisexuals and demisexuals.

But you may be jumping to some wrong conclusions as to the primary reasons for this.

dorkseid wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
That's good, but not the same thing as living in a place where there are lots and lots of bisexual women.


And where would this fabled land be?

I'm not sure, but I would hazard a guess that Austin might be much better in this regard than the place where you are now living. Of course, big coastal cities like NYC would be even better, but that's probably out of the question.

dorkseid wrote:
Really, at this point it wouldn't help. I've already explained why its too late for me now, even if I fixed all my problems.

Yes, here's what I recall you saying about the reason why it is "too late" for you: If I remember correctly, you said that you conceivably could be attracted to at least some women in their thirties if only you had somehow managed to have satisfying sex with a woman in her twenties when you were in your twenties. But, somehow, your lack of experience in your twenties has somehow made you fussier about who you are capable of being attracted to now, such that you now can be attracted only to women in their twenties. Is that correct?

To me this just sounds bizarre. It would sure be nice if your present-day sexual attractions weren't somehow made fussier by your lack of past experience. The fact that they apparently are is one of your big problems.

dorkseid wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
It should also be noted that male atheists outnumber female atheists by two to one, at least according to statistics quoted on this Wikipedia page. I would expect the gender ratio to be even more skewed in the Bible Belt than elsewhere. In the Bible Belt, I would expect unpaired nonreligious hetero or bisexual women to be exceedingly scarce, relative to unpaired nonreligious hetero men. I think you may be vastly underestimating the role of the place where you live as one of the main causes (though not the only cause) of your difficulties.


And what do you expect me to about that? Do you think I'd still be here if I could afford to move away?

How long do you think it would be, if ever, before you could afford it? (In any case, many people are reluctant to move even if they can afford to do so.)

dorkseid wrote:
And besides, as I said, its already too late for any of that to matter anyway.

... unless you can somehow manage to free your present-day sexual attractions from being chained by your lack of past experience.

dorkseid wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
Another thing: Many people, both women and men, are reluctant to form relationships with co-workers, out of fear of (1) possible difficulties in the workplace in the event that the relationship doesn't work out and (2) being fired together in the event that one of the partners gets fired.


99% of everyone I've met in the past decade have been coworkers. Take that away, and I have nothing left.

That's another big problem. To find a partner, without relying on dating apps (which have all sorts of disadvantages that have been discussed here), generally requires a person to have some sort of social life outside of work.

See also my reply to you at the bottom of the previous page.


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idntonkw
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31 May 2021, 2:13 am

dorkseid wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
So then you've over-generalized about men as well as women. You're ignoring demisexuals, for example.


Funny fact, my best friend is demisexual. We've been close friends for over 16 years. And she has never seen me as anything more than a friend.

Mona Pereth wrote:
But you're still surrounded by religious people to a large degree, and there still isn't much of an LGBTQ+ community near you?


You'd be surprised. I tend to travel in circles that attract outsiders. Atheists, autistics, and LGBTQ all fall into that classification. Its only natural that when living in a conservative hellhole we'd all gravitate to the kinds of social circles that accept us and act as a sort of safe haven.

I and other atheists tend to be drawn to each other and know who we all are pretty quickly. For a while I hung out at with a lesbian couple nearly every day. And I've shared homes with two different gay couples. At my current job I have a lesbian co-worker, a bisexual co-worker, and I know which of my coworkers are fellow atheists.

Mona Pereth wrote:

Have any of your in-person women friends ever given you any dating advice?


Not really. All I ever hear is "you'll meet the right one some day." I'm almost 40 and its too late for me to meet her now.


There is no magic wand that will change you or the past. But, there is something that I've seen to make life more fun. You can try the Pick Up Artist community. It's mostly BS and quite dangerous for autistics because it gives advice that can make you look like a creepy guy or even get arrested, but the guys on the spectrum who get into PUA and dress better, go to salsa dance lessons and social events to try to meet (younger) women, and even work out to build muscles and be more attractive - they get to have fun socially with women occasionally. It is no panacea, but it can be fun and let you have some social and dating experiences. So dress better, go to social events, try some PUA advice that isn't dangerous or creepy.



idntonkw
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31 May 2021, 2:35 am

dorkseid wrote:

And yet, I still could never get a girlfriend.


Me neither. I was offered sex by girls and had girls want to talk to me and try to date me, but I pushed them away with my discomfort and awkwardness and would say no, when I wish I could say yes, but I am too shy and nervous.

The reason you could never get a girlfriend is because you are autistic and also lacking whatever quality autists who have girl friends or wives have: positivity, being chatty, openness, manliness, etc. You can still make your life more fun by doing carefully doing some PUA stuff like dressing up and working out and trying to talk to women you find interesting (without appearing like a creepy guy). You'll feel better when you start having good habits of eat, sleep, exercise and life. I'm not practicing the advice myself right now, but still that's the goal to focus on and totally doable for an aspie.



idntonkw
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31 May 2021, 2:40 am

dorkseid wrote:
I've been working as a TA in a special needs classroom for the past year. I've been in a special education master's program for the past two years. The year before that I was as a substitute teacher, working primarily in special needs classrooms. I frequented the same schools enough for the staff to be familiar with me, but because I worked in multiple school I was meeting more people. Prior to that, I worked as a nurse aide (another female dominated field) in the Cleveland area (a metropolitan area surrounding a major city). And despite all of that, I still could never find a girlfriend.
.


Black guys who work as nurse's aids score women and girlfriends, so while the jobs you have are low value jobs and won't attract women because of the job itself, guys with the right looks and personality have attracted women who did not care where they worked because they liked them anyway. There are still things you can do:

get into habit of thinking positively
work out
eat healthy
cook something nicer for yourself
dress up better
try to talk to women but without coming off as a creepy guy



dorkseid
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31 May 2021, 9:03 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
dorkseid wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
Of course, not evaluating people for sexual attractiveness when they first meet doesn't guarantee that they will find someone sexually attractive later.


And if I was just talking about one individual not finding me attractive that wouldn't mean anything. The point is that I have been rejected by every woman I've ever met in my entire adult life, including bisexuals and demisexuals.

But you may be jumping to some wrong conclusions as to the primary reasons for this.


Then what's the correct conclusion?

Mona Pereth wrote:
dorkseid wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
That's good, but not the same thing as living in a place where there are lots and lots of bisexual women.


And where would this fabled land be?

I'm not sure, but I would hazard a guess that Austin might be much better in this regard than the place where you are now living. Of course, big coastal cities like NYC would be even better, but that's probably out of the question.


If I could afford to move to Austin, NYC, or anywhere else for that matter, I would have done so years ago. In fact, I tried moving to Ohio in 2016. I ended up homeless and having to come back here and stay with a friend.

Mona Pereth wrote:
dorkseid wrote:
Really, at this point it wouldn't help. I've already explained why its too late for me now, even if I fixed all my problems.

Yes, here's what I recall you saying about the reason why it is "too late" for you: If I remember correctly, you said that you conceivably could be attracted to at least some women in their thirties if only you had somehow managed to have satisfying sex with a woman in her twenties when you were in your twenties. But, somehow, your lack of experience in your twenties has somehow made you fussier about who you are capable of being attracted to now, such that you now can be attracted only to women in their twenties. Is that correct?

To me this just sounds bizarre. It would sure be nice if your present-day sexual attractions weren't somehow made fussier by your lack of past experience. The fact that they apparently are is one of your big problems.


First of all, I don't control who I am and am not attracted to. If I could, I would've chosen to fall in love with one of the ugly girls that were interested in me years ago. That would actually make my love life significantly less complicated.

In the past 4-5 years, I've noticed that every woman I've felt attracted to has been at least 10 years than me. And its not simply about youth. You conveniently left out the part where I explained that I have nothing in common with women my own age. By my age, most women have children who are 16-19. I was 18 when my mother was my current age. The idea of going from being a practical virgin to being involved with the mother of a legal adult seriously weirds me out. I have very little experience with relationships/sex, none of which is healthy. I live in a room I sublet in someone else's house. I enjoy Street Fighter, comic books, and collecting action figures. I have absolutely nothing in common with someone who has been raising children for more than a third of her lifetime. That is just too huge of a disparity in life experiences. Not only do women my age have nothing to offer me; I have nothing to offer them.

To illustrate my point, let me give you an example: there are two ladies I work with at my current job. One (let's call her Sara) is around 25. She has a 2-year old daughter. She is funny and we have a lot in common. She likes videogames and anime and likes to do art. She often compliments me for my work with the kids, and jokes about how we are "mentally synched". She thinks I'm funny and interesting. She is just always fun to be around and spend time with. The other (I'll call her Jane) is around 32-35. She is very sweeet and friendly, but she is a little more serious/mature. She has 3 daughters, and I believe her oldest is around 12-13. Now here's the thing: 'Jane' is absolutely stunningly drop dead gorgeous, but her and I don't have as much in common. She never will be as interesting or fun to me as 'Sara' is.

Mona Pereth wrote:
dorkseid wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
It should also be noted that male atheists outnumber female atheists by two to one, at least according to statistics quoted on this Wikipedia page. I would expect the gender ratio to be even more skewed in the Bible Belt than elsewhere. In the Bible Belt, I would expect unpaired nonreligious hetero or bisexual women to be exceedingly scarce, relative to unpaired nonreligious hetero men. I think you may be vastly underestimating the role of the place where you live as one of the main causes (though not the only cause) of your difficulties.


And what do you expect me to about that? Do you think I'd still be here if I could afford to move away?

How long do you think it would be, if ever, before you could afford it? (In any case, many people are reluctant to move even if they can afford to do so.)


I'm not sure, but its academic at this point. As I keep saying, its already too late for any changes I make to help me now or in the future.

Mona Pereth wrote:
dorkseid wrote:
And besides, as I said, its already too late for any of that to matter anyway.

... unless you can somehow manage to free your present-day sexual attractions from being chained by your lack of past experience.


But I can't. See above.

Mona Pereth wrote:
dorkseid wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
Another thing: Many people, both women and men, are reluctant to form relationships with co-workers, out of fear of (1) possible difficulties in the workplace in the event that the relationship doesn't work out and (2) being fired together in the event that one of the partners gets fired.


99% of everyone I've met in the past decade have been coworkers. Take that away, and I have nothing left.

That's another big problem. To find a partner, without relying on dating apps (which have all sorts of disadvantages that have been discussed here), generally requires a person to have some sort of social life outside of work.


I did back in college. And I still was making an effort to hang out with groups from MeetUp and the local gaming café. But I still could never get a girlfriend in either situation.



Mona Pereth
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31 May 2021, 10:29 am

dorkseid wrote:
In the past 4-5 years, I've noticed that every woman I've felt attracted to has been at least 10 years than me. And its not simply about youth. You conveniently left out the part where I explained that I have nothing in common with women my own age. By my age, most women have children who are 16-19. I was 18 when my mother was my current age. The idea of going from being a practical virgin to being involved with the mother of a legal adult seriously weirds me out. I have very little experience with relationships/sex, none of which is healthy. I live in a room I sublet in someone else's house. I enjoy Street Fighter, comic books, and collecting action figures. I have absolutely nothing in common with someone who has been raising children for more than a third of her lifetime. That is just too huge of a disparity in life experiences. Not only do women my age have nothing to offer me; I have nothing to offer them.

To illustrate my point, let me give you an example: there are two ladies I work with at my current job. One (let's call her Sara) is around 25. She has a 2-year old daughter. She is funny and we have a lot in common. She likes videogames and anime and likes to do art. She often compliments me for my work with the kids, and jokes about how we are "mentally synched". She thinks I'm funny and interesting. She is just always fun to be around and spend time with. The other (I'll call her Jane) is around 32-35. She is very sweet and friendly, but she is a little more serious/mature. She has 3 daughters, and I believe her oldest is around 12-13. Now here's the thing: 'Jane' is absolutely stunningly drop dead gorgeous, but her and I don't have as much in common. She never will be as interesting or fun to me as 'Sara' is.

This is certainly understandable. However, not all women have children in their early twenties. Could you conceivably be attracted to a woman who is in her thirties but who has a personality similar to Sara's and who either does not have kids at all or has a kid the same age as Sara's kid?


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dorkseid
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31 May 2021, 10:43 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
This is certainly understandable. However, not all women have children in their early twenties. Could you conceivably be attracted to a woman who is in her thirties but who has a personality similar to Sara's and who either does not have kids at all or has a kid the same age as Sara's kid?


In theory, sure. But where would I find such a woman? Maybe things work differently on the East Coast, but around here, if a woman hasn't had a child by a certain age, its generally because men are avoiding her for a reason.



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03 Jun 2021, 1:59 am

dorkseid wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
This is certainly understandable. However, not all women have children in their early twenties. Could you conceivably be attracted to a woman who is in her thirties but who has a personality similar to Sara's and who either does not have kids at all or has a kid the same age as Sara's kid?


In theory, sure. But where would I find such a woman? Maybe things work differently on the East Coast, but around here, if a woman hasn't had a child by a certain age, its generally because men are avoiding her for a reason.


there's quite a few fairly attractive women who haven't had kids on the East Coast by a certain age.. they might have some personality problems perhaps, but a lot of it is due to the 'travel bug' and women not having money, college loans, children being expensive, etc.



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08 Jun 2021, 6:58 am

At this point, even if I were to conceive a child tomorrow, I would still be 50 by the time they're 10. It would not be fair to them to have a father who is too old to there for them in all the ways they deserve. And if I were to have any grandchildren, it would be unfair to them to not have their grandfather around as they grow up.

Regardless of what the future brings, it is already past the point when it's too late for me to ever have children. I've already been robbed of having that choice.



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08 Jun 2021, 7:31 am

dorkseid wrote:
At this point, even if I were to conceive a child tomorrow, I would still be 50 by the time they're 10. It would not be fair to them to have a father who is too old to there for them in all the ways they deserve. And if I were to have any grandchildren, it would be unfair to them to not have their grandfather around as they grow up.

Regardless of what the future brings, it is already past the point when it's too late for me to ever have children. I've already been robbed of having that choice.


I have these same thoughts about kids too.

I guess I don't even have the energy for such task anymore (babysitting and caring for a baby), we missed the boat for that.


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13 Jun 2021, 5:37 pm

My friend was talking to me about her ex. She is afraid he'll show up at her place of work and embarrass her in front of her colleagues or friends. He has a long history with drug addictions, been in and out of prison most of his adult life, and has several tattoos all over his neck and face. She is afraid he'll show up asking for money or a place to stay, and friends and colleagues will look down on her for having a child with him.

I listened and did my best to be supportive. And I didn't say any of this to her; but I can't help thinking about even a guy like this can get girlfriends while I can't. And before anyone tries to tell I wouldn't want to the types of women these guys get, I'd like to point out that my friend is one of kindest, most intelligent and interesting, and all around one of the best people I've ever known.



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13 Jun 2021, 5:49 pm

dorkseid wrote:
My friend was talking to me about her ex. She is afraid he'll show up at her place of work and embarrass her in front of her colleagues or friends. He has a long history with drug addictions, been in and out of prison most of his adult life, and has several tattoos all over his neck and face. She is afraid he'll show up asking for money or a place to stay, and friends and colleagues will look down on her for having a child with him.

I listened and did my best to be supportive. And I didn't say any of this to her; but I can't help thinking about even a guy like this can get girlfriends while I can't. And before anyone tries to tell I wouldn't want to the types of women these guys get, I'd like to point out that my friend is one of kindest, most intelligent and interesting, and all around one of the best people I've ever known.


Charm is a beneficial skill to possess even if you're deeply flawed. Charismatic people are able to get others to more easily overlook their flaws.


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13 Jun 2021, 5:51 pm

If you don't want to even consider the possibility of doing the work to raise your own child past a certain age (which is a self imposed constraint, many men father children at your age or older.) then perhaps consider dating a single mother with a child that's already 10+ years old.


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13 Jun 2021, 6:00 pm

funeralxempire wrote:

Charm is a beneficial skill to possess even if you're deeply flawed. Charismatic people are able to get others to more easily overlook their flaws.


Many women over the years have found me very charming, but still only liked me as a friend.



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13 Jun 2021, 6:00 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
If you don't want to even consider the possibility of doing the work to raise your own child past a certain age (which is a self imposed constraint, many men father children at your age or older.) then perhaps consider dating a single mother with a child that's already 10+ years old.


I have no clue where you even got that idea from.

I have no problem with doing the work to raise a child. If I were to date a single mother, I would prefer one with children under 10.



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13 Jun 2021, 10:20 pm

dorkseid wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
If you don't want to even consider the possibility of doing the work to raise your own child past a certain age (which is a self imposed constraint, many men father children at your age or older.) then perhaps consider dating a single mother with a child that's already 10+ years old.


I have no clue where you even got that idea from.

I have no problem with doing the work to raise a child. If I were to date a single mother, I would prefer one with children under 10.


This is where I got that idea from:

dorkseid wrote:
At this point, even if I were to conceive a child tomorrow, I would still be 50 by the time they're 10. It would not be fair to them to have a father who is too old to there for them in all the ways they deserve. And if I were to have any grandchildren, it would be unfair to them to not have their grandfather around as they grow up.

Regardless of what the future brings, it is already past the point when it's too late for me to ever have children. I've already been robbed of having that choice.


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