My boyfriend is difficult to sleep with

Page 1 of 1 [ 14 posts ] 

Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 20,770
Location: South-East England

11 Jun 2021, 5:24 pm

I love my boyfriend very much but since he's been unemployed he's really difficult to sleep with and I find it difficult falling asleep because he keeps unintentionally distracting me.
He's developed annoying habits, like his (smoker's) cough will wake him up then he'll just sit on the edge of the bed for ages, and he'll keep dozing off while sitting there on the bed and that makes him sway about and it's just really annoying if I'm awake, as it rocks the bed in an irritatingly distracting way.
I kindly tell him to sit on the couch if he wants to doze off sitting up, but sometimes he just yells and doesn't always budge. Also when he is asleep he knocks me with his knuckles and elbows, even though we have a big king-size bed. But when I tell him how I feel he just tells me to "stop moaning". But I really want to sleep!
I find it hard to sleep on the couch because it's too narrow, and I can't sleep unless I'm laying down, unlike him. He can easily sit on the couch and sleep soundly for hours. But if I tell him that he says I can't "ban" him from the bed. I'm not trying to do that, it's just that if he wants to sit up and sleep then the best bet is to sit on the couch rather than on the bed where I'm trying to sleep.

We don't have room in our apartment for another bed, and we don't have the money to buy two single beds (we don't want mattresses that are too cheap or secondhand). Anyway, he says he can't sleep in a single bed any more and I can understand that. But I just want to be able to sleep, as I work so I'm usually knackered by bed time. I do have a couple of hours sleep during the day when he's up and it's such a relief but I like the daytime and I want to do things.

All you Aspies that are desperate for a relationship - they're not all that rosy. Don't get me wrong, I love him and we get on well together, it's just night times that are becoming a problem. Anybody else have this problem?


_________________
Female
Aged 31
On antidepressants
Have ASD, ADHD and anxiety disorder
Empathy score: 61 out of a possible 80. (High)


Juliette
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,382
Location: Surrey, UK

11 Jun 2021, 7:21 pm

Joe, you are so accomodating to your partner and that’s a sweet thing. BUT, you also have every right to a good night’s sleep.

If I was going through this, I would do my best to ensure “other options” were available. You are working ... and you are an important part of this partnership. If your sleep is being disturbed on a regular basis ... if this were me, I’d have no choice but to look at separate mattresses. Sleep is precious! Relationships are precious. You both need to make positive changes if one of you is suffering sleep-wise.



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 20,770
Location: South-East England

11 Jun 2021, 7:52 pm

If I could sleep on the couch then I would. But I can't. He says he can't always breathe when lying down so he decides to sit up on the bed instead, which is not a normal way to sleep. So I think it's only fair that he should go on to the couch or armchair if he can't breathe, so that we can both get a good night's sleep. I'm the sort of person who wants both parties to have their way, and when a certain arrangement seems fair to both I don't see why the other person has to object and carry on suffering. Like I said, he can sleep easily when upright on a couch, but his argument is that it's not fair he can't have his bed. But if he used the bed the way you should then maybe things wouldn't be such a problem for him.
Sitting upright on a bed (with your feet on the floor) but falling asleep is pointless in my opinion, and is a bit like peeing on the floor when there's a toilet, or eating your food literally on the table with an empty plate next to it. :?


_________________
Female
Aged 31
On antidepressants
Have ASD, ADHD and anxiety disorder
Empathy score: 61 out of a possible 80. (High)


Juliette
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,382
Location: Surrey, UK

11 Jun 2021, 7:58 pm

Could he be in need of a breathing machine? This sounds like something medical ... something debillitating which I have experienced in the past. You are very “giving” in this relationship. That much is very clear. He is suffering ... what is causing his disrupted sleep?



nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 24,573
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

11 Jun 2021, 8:06 pm

Perhaps you could raise the front of your bed slightly like put some cement blocks under the front legs of your bed. That's been suggested to me & my girlfriend a few times due to my acid-reflux & some stomach issues she has. I wonder if you could get an adjustable king-size bed where each side is adjustable so he could raise his side while you are still flat. It would probably cost a bit if they do exist but might be worth the cost to help you guys sleep & your relationship. Since you mentioned him knocking you in his sleep in addition to his cough, I'm wondering if he might have some kinda underlying medical condition. He might not be getting enough oxygen as he sleeps & an oxygen mask like one of those Sleep Apnea devices would help him breath better. He would have to see a doc to get this looked into. It's not uncommon for people to thrash about in their sleep if they're not getting enough oxygen or if they have some stomach acid or something coming up that's making him chock. Acid-reflux can cause coughing. You could try getting him to take Prilosec/Omeprazole for a few weeks to see if it helps him any. He may also have something like Asthma or COPD from his smoking that flares up when he lays down. Inhalers & oral meds could potentially help that but he would have to see a doc & get em prescribed.


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"

~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"

~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 20,770
Location: South-East England

12 Jun 2021, 12:23 am

He does have sleep apnoea and COPD due to smoking. He won't quit smoking or use e-cigarettes, he's very stubborn in that regard. There's nothing I can do to get him to quit, even though he knows it's making him suffer.

We really do not have the money at all for an adjustable bed. He's just got a few extra pillows.

He does have inhalers and other prescribed medication to help his breathing, but really the best thing to help is to quit smoking. But he won't. There's no point in even discussing it with him because he changes the subject or tells me to stop going on about it even if I don't bring it up for weeks. What do you do to help a weak-willed person who doesn't want to help themselves?

That's democracy for you - you can only help someone if they want to, otherwise you've just got to watch them suffer even if it affects your life too.


_________________
Female
Aged 31
On antidepressants
Have ASD, ADHD and anxiety disorder
Empathy score: 61 out of a possible 80. (High)


The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 30,775
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

12 Jun 2021, 5:08 am

Did he check for covid?


_________________
Come here to get the Block functionality for Wrongplanet:
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=390645


nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 24,573
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

12 Jun 2021, 5:18 am

Joe90 wrote:
That's democracy for you - you can only help someone if they want to, otherwise you've just got to watch them suffer even if it affects your life too.
Very true, "You can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink" as the saying goes. While you cant help them you can take steps to protect yourself so that their behavior won't affect your life as much & so you don't have to watch them suffer as much. You need to set boundaries. Maybe you could try telling him that he has to make a choice. He can either do something to change his sleeping arrangement so he will not disturb your sleep or he can quit his smoking. You mentioned that he is unemployed & that you work rite now. Did he take over doing all the household chores since he's been unemployed? If not you could tell him that it is extremely unfair of him to expect you to do any chores when you are the only one going to work & he is making it impossible for you to get the quality sleep that you need to be handle it all. Say you are too tired for sex next time he's in the mood due to you not being able to get good sleep :wink:


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"

~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"

~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,998
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

12 Jun 2021, 5:18 pm

I haven't had this issue personally, but my parents now sleep in separate rooms because one of them was snoring and the other couldn't get any sleep. They are fortunate enough to have a spare room.

I think your solution sounds reasonable.

I have an annoying narrow sofa too. If I want to nap on it I remove the back cushions to make it wider. Is it possible for you to do that with your sofa? Then you might be able to sleep on it.

I think he should sleep on the sofa if he can sleep sitting up, but you need sleep and removing the cushions might work for you.



DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,647
Location: Northern California

13 Jun 2021, 2:12 am

Have you tried posing the problem to him to see what kinds of solutions he might offer? It sounds like the discussions have usually been when one or both of you is feeling sleep deprived and/or irritated, which isn't a great time to reach creative solutions. Perhaps when you are both well rested you can pose it as a problem you are seeking his input on. Lay out what you need, ask him what he needs, and then ask him if he has any ideas that could resolve the situation for both of you.

When I have a cold I can cough uncontrollably, and it didn't take long for me to realize it would always wake up my husband. So I started CHOOSING to sleep on the sofa during those times. He never asked; I might have felt annoyed if he had. But, shoot, it isn't like I'm getting good sleep when I'm sick anyway, so after I ran through options in my own mind, I made the decision that sometimes I would take myself out to the sofa.

It really is different when a decision is your own. Instead of you giving him the reasons why you think he should choose the sofa, and instead of you telling him that his sleeping position doesn't belong in the bed, gently give him the opportunity to reach the conclusion on his own.

Or maybe he'll find an even better solution. One never knows.


_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


idntonkw
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

Joined: 29 Apr 2020
Age: 34
Posts: 473
Location: Boston

13 Jun 2021, 4:46 am

sounds like your boyfriend has COPD - he can try sleeping on several pillows. but his medical prognosis does not sound that great - if you can't breath in bed, that's a sign of lungs being damaged and having a weak heart and both of these get worse with age



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,998
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

13 Jun 2021, 7:43 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
Have you tried posing the problem to him to see what kinds of solutions he might offer? It sounds like the discussions have usually been when one or both of you is feeling sleep deprived and/or irritated, which isn't a great time to reach creative solutions. Perhaps when you are both well rested you can pose it as a problem you are seeking his input on. Lay out what you need, ask him what he needs, and then ask him if he has any ideas that could resolve the situation for both of you.

When I have a cold I can cough uncontrollably, and it didn't take long for me to realize it would always wake up my husband. So I started CHOOSING to sleep on the sofa during those times. He never asked; I might have felt annoyed if he had. But, shoot, it isn't like I'm getting good sleep when I'm sick anyway, so after I ran through options in my own mind, I made the decision that sometimes I would take myself out to the sofa.

It really is different when a decision is your own. Instead of you giving him the reasons why you think he should choose the sofa, and instead of you telling him that his sleeping position doesn't belong in the bed, gently give him the opportunity to reach the conclusion on his own.

Or maybe he'll find an even better solution. One never knows.


This is a good idea. I always forget about this being a good way to communicate with people. Get them involved in finding the solution rather than telling them what to do. I don't even like being told what to do.

It's difficult to remember because I'm a natural problem solver and like to have a solution in mind before approaching someone.



Lunella
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Mar 2016
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 981
Location: Yorkshire, UK

13 Jun 2021, 8:00 am

My husbands a nightmare to sleep with so can totally relate. He's slim/muscular but snores like an industrial drill, I've booked him in for sleep apnea appointments and they're gonna do surgery on his nose as it turns out he's not actually breathing properly at all, turns out that's why he was getting random headaches for years and always tired in the day despite sleeping.

I think in this situation get him booked in the doctors and tell them he's not breathing right in bed and they'll do some tests on him. After all since you're together you have to look after each other and that includes making sure you're both alright at night time. No one should be snoring, moving around or making noise at night, you should be able to breathe normally/peacefully so if not then there's something not right.

If he's being an arse and not cooperating then you might be better off getting one of those sofas that turn into a bed.


_________________
Fish & Chips tho


nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 24,573
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

13 Jun 2021, 8:39 am

idntonkw wrote:
sounds like your boyfriend has COPD - he can try sleeping on several pillows. but his medical prognosis does not sound that great - if you can't breath in bed, that's a sign of lungs being damaged and having a weak heart and both of these get worse with age
Joe stated in a reply that he has COPD from smoking & he's on meds & has inhalers. She also said that he refuses to quit smoking. I'd guess that there is not a lot more that can be done to majorly help his health.


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"

~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"

~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition