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cyberdad
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15 Jun 2021, 3:27 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
dorkseid wrote:
That's not the point. I like kids. I want to have a family where I can watch my children grow. I don't mind investing.


This is actually a valid point. I was in my mid 30s when I got married and this was certainly a driving force (plus pushy parents) for me to settle down.


Sorry DW you don't count since you are a superwoman.

The success rate for pregnancy drops to 1% by 44. But of course there's IVF and adoption,



Benjamin the Donkey
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15 Jun 2021, 10:35 am

You're not out of time. Both my sons were born when I was in my mid-40s.


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kraftiekortie
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15 Jun 2021, 11:43 am

Many women in their 40s get pregnant.

The only disorder specifically linked to maternal age is a higher incidence of Down Syndrome after age 35, though it is still rare at those ages.



dorkseid
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15 Jun 2021, 2:17 pm

cyberdad wrote:
dorkseid wrote:
I don't have any particular desire to have children biologically. The more I thought about, the more I think I would rather adopt or raise my partner's children for the reasons you mentioned. But in either case I still want to know while they are still little, rather than meeting them when they're already teenagers or older.


You neglected to mention this little nugget dorkseid. In that case all options are open to you. Single mothers love men who want to help them raise their kiddies.


Not really. I've been rejected by single mothers countless times.



browneyedgirlslowingdown
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15 Jun 2021, 2:20 pm

My dad had me when he was 44 my mom was 38, I feel that you are being incredibly irrational. 40-year-old men marry and date women at are in their 20's. Thinking in such extremes might be making you needy/desperate.

Women who are wanting to have children are looking for security, do you have that?


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nick007
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15 Jun 2021, 3:41 pm

browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
Women who are wanting to have children are looking for security, do you have that?
As I touched on in my 1st post in this thread, Sometimes women wanting kids get in relationships with guys who seem like children & sometimes those women grow to resent the guy but not always. There are also some guys who get in relationships with women that are a lot younger than them & the guy kinda takes on the role of a father figure so to speak. Sugar-daddy & sugar-baby relationships can work like that. I felt like a parent a lot in my 1st relationship & also in my current one but my current gf also feels like a parent with me sometimes as well. When she was younger she was involved with some programs that worked with kids like teaching kids bible study & she's told a bit that she would make a good mom & she did have a high desire to have kids. However she also knows that her various issues would make it next to impossible for her to handle that responsibility full time. So instead of having kids she got in a romantic relationship where she sometimes feels like a mom but our relationship balances out well since I sometimes feel like a dad with her. I never had a desire to have kids though & a romantic relationship where I feel like a parent sometimes is enough parental responsibility for me.


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15 Jun 2021, 4:16 pm

nick007 wrote:
she did have a high desire to have kids. However she also knows that her various issues would make it next to impossible for her to handle that responsibility full time. So instead of having kids she got in a romantic relationship where she sometimes feels like a mom but our relationship balances out well since I sometimes feel like a dad with her. I never had a desire to have kids though & a romantic relationship where I feel like a parent sometimes is enough parental responsibility for me.


To me the main point of having kids is not the "experience" of being in the father's role but rather having genes passed. So being a father's figure to the girl I date wouldn't do it. I guess your perspective is different.

It is just hard to imagine how you can "not" care about your genes passing, cause I always did my whole life and I assumed everyone else did as well. It was a surprise to find out its not the case.



kraftiekortie
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15 Jun 2021, 4:25 pm

It's natural to want to be a father to a kid.

It's sort of "genes"---but it's sort of wanting to experience the pride of raising your kid successfully. I wish I could experience that pride.



cyberdad
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15 Jun 2021, 4:30 pm

dorkseid wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
dorkseid wrote:
I don't have any particular desire to have children biologically. The more I thought about, the more I think I would rather adopt or raise my partner's children for the reasons you mentioned. But in either case I still want to know while they are still little, rather than meeting them when they're already teenagers or older.


You neglected to mention this little nugget dorkseid. In that case all options are open to you. Single mothers love men who want to help them raise their kiddies.


Not really. I've been rejected by single mothers countless times.


Wow! they must be picky, its not like there's swarms of men trying to date them?



DW_a_mom
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15 Jun 2021, 7:17 pm

cyberdad wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
dorkseid wrote:
That's not the point. I like kids. I want to have a family where I can watch my children grow. I don't mind investing.


This is actually a valid point. I was in my mid 30s when I got married and this was certainly a driving force (plus pushy parents) for me to settle down.


Sorry DW you don't count since you are a superwoman.

The success rate for pregnancy drops to 1% by 44. But of course there's IVF and adoption,


The quote posted above lost my reference to my having my second child at close to 42.

I'm no superwoman.

I'm not sure where you got your number, but what I'm seeing as I search varies by additional factors. When you look at likelihood per cycle even for a very young woman it is never better than 20%, and the chart I'm looking at suggests likelihood per cycle will drop to around 4-5% between 40-45. The more commonly used statistic is the chance of getting pregnant within a year, which drops to 52% at 35-39, from 86% at 20-24 (I'm not quickly finding the number for 40-45). It did take me a year to get pregnant the second time, but more important is that it was a healthy pregnancy.

What I will tell women considering pregnancy at an older age is that it is foolish to count on being able to get pregnant and purposefully delay having children. I've had young couples tell me they want to wait until their mid-thirties so they are financially set when they start their families, and I find that naively presumptuous. But if circumstances mean someone isn't in a position to try getting pregnant until older, their chances are still pretty good and there is no reason to despair or rush into IVF without giving it a year or two the traditional way first. Similarly, I think it is ridiculous to eliminate a woman from being a potential partner just because she has crossed 35 and you want children. It's all an odds game, and the main thing is to have some honest conversations at the start of the relationship if the woman is older. My husband and I, for example, knew we wanted children but agreed that if it wasn't in the cards we weren't going to use any extraordinary measures. We were both in our late thirties when we said "I do." I can't imagine if either of us had created walls around our dating pool based on numbers without giving the individual people a chance. Limiting one's dating pool is a good way to stay single.


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cyberdad
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15 Jun 2021, 7:25 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
I'm not sure where you got your number, but what I'm seeing as I search varies by additional factors. When you look at likelihood per cycle even for a very young woman it is never better than 20%, and the chart I'm looking at suggests likelihood per cycle will drop to around 4-5% between 40-45. The more commonly used statistic is the chance of getting pregnant within a year, which drops to 52% at 35-39, from 86% at 20-24 (I'm not quickly finding the number for 40-45). It did take me a year to get pregnant the second time, but more important is that it was a healthy pregnancy.

What I will tell women considering pregnancy at an older age is that it is foolish to count on being able to get pregnant and purposefully delay having children. I've had young couples tell me they want to wait until their mid-thirties so they are financially set when they start their families, and I find that naively presumptuous. But if circumstances mean someone isn't in a position to try getting pregnant until older, their chances are still pretty good and there is no reason to despair or rush into IVF without giving it a year or two the traditional way first. Similarly, I think it is ridiculous to eliminate a woman from being a potential partner just because she has crossed 35 and you want children. It's all an odds game, and the main thing is to have some honest conversations at the start of the relationship if the woman is older. My husband and I, for example, knew we wanted children but agreed that if it wasn't in the cards we weren't going to use any extraordinary measures. We were both in our late thirties when we said "I do." I can't imagine if either of us had created walls around our dating pool based on numbers without giving the individual people a chance. Limiting one's dating pool is a good way to stay single.


Agree with your post but regardless of the number tweaking to factor confounds the odds aren't spectacular.

For young men (it always seems to be males) worried about their prospects as they get older they do need to take these factors into consideration (and I am sure they do).

The OP has clarified he doesn't want a biological child but is happy raising a step-child or an adopted kid.



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16 Jun 2021, 2:34 pm

browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
My dad had me when he was 44 my mom was 38, I feel that you are being incredibly irrational. 40-year-old men marry and date women at are in their 20's. Thinking in such extremes might be making you needy/desperate.

Women who are wanting to have children are looking for security, do you have that?


Men in their 40s who date younger women are not overweight broke emotional wrecks.



cyberdad
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16 Jun 2021, 4:44 pm

Frankly there ain't a lot of women (of any age) to choose from who are willing to date a broke, overweight emotional wreck. But the younger women have both men their age and older (and even married ones!) ones pursuing them so again don't like the odds.



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16 Jun 2021, 5:00 pm

dorkseid wrote:
Men in their 40s who date younger women are not overweight broke emotional wrecks.


Have you considered doing something to improve the three things you just mentioned (I mean, the weight, the financial status, and the emotional well being)? Unlike your age, those three things "can" improve, at least in principle. But they won't be presented to you on a golden platter, you have to put in some effort.



kraftiekortie
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16 Jun 2021, 5:11 pm

Dorkseid is not broke. He works full-time as a teacher for severely disabled children.



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16 Jun 2021, 5:58 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Dorkseid is not broke. He works full-time as a teacher for severely disabled children.


Then why is he describing himself this way?

Is he wishing he had a job that would pay even more? If so, did he try to look for one and/or seek promotion at the job he is at?