Being bored or being rejected?

Page 1 of 2 [ 18 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,104

13 Jun 2021, 2:16 pm

So I strongly prefer face to face relationships to online ones. But, due to either my looks or some other non-verbal things I give off, nobody approaches me face to face. So, out of desperation, I look for relationships online. Most of the time women don't respond to me online either, but after several months go by eventually someone does. This is much better than what I can expect face to face.

In any case, when someone finally does respond, and we start a "relationship" (which in itself is very rare) I usually don't end up feeling much better. For one thing, that would be the kind of person I don't really like, I am just settling cause nobody I likes responds to me. And, secondly, like I said, it is online and long distance. Don't get me wrong. It has nothing to do with sex: I don't believe in sex before marriage. Rather it has to do with the fact that it would be nice to spend time with someone in person and do things together (whether it be going to a dinner or a movie or what not). None of this can happen with someone I talk online who lives several states away.

Now, what I have just described falls into a realm of being "bored" with the person I am talking to. None of it has anything to do with that person rejecting me, or letting me down easy. Or so you would think. But then comes the surprise. For some reason or other I decide to ask, just in case, whether or not they lost interest. And, lo and behold, they did! And then I feel totally fooled. Here I was thinking that its just boredom, nothing personal. But actually it was very much personal, and I didn't even know it.

I realize that some of you might not be able to fully relate to it, so let me explain where I am coming from. So different people react to rejection differently. To some, rejection is associated with loneliness, to others with sadness, etc. Well, to me, the rejection is associated with anger. I am angry at a person for making assumptions about me. After all, they assume I possess certain traits that they find unattractive. But how do they really know I possess those traits if they didn't even bother to ask? And even if I did possess those traits, how do they know they can't be changed?

So you see, since to me rejection is very much an ego thing, thats why it feels very different from "simply" us being too far away or whatever. If we just live too far away, I don't have to take it personally, but if I am being rejected I do. Thats why I feel so much fooled when I confuse one for the other. I mean, if I am led to believe that there is nothing to be angry about and then it turns out that there is, that in itself makes me angry in a whole other way.

Now, what I talked about now is different from being ghosted. Don't get me wrong: I get angry when I get ghoseted too. But its a different kind of anger. If I get ghosted I keep checking emails over and over desperately hoping she would write. But if I get bored, then I don't wait for her emails that much, and even if I do get her emails I don't really care cause I am taking her for granted. And thats why I feel so much misled when the girl whom I "thought" falls in the category of "taken for granted" is actually falling into a category of "rejectors". These categories are not just different but actually opposite to each other, since I would never take "rejectors" for granted. Thats why I basically feel lied to and misled. Do you see what I mean?

But that is what happens on my end of a line, of course, But what about girls end of a line. Could it be that "inducing my boredom" is on the same list of techniques as "ghosting"? In case of ghosting the girl misleads me that she is "busy" when she isn't. In case of "inducing my boredom" the girl misleads me that she is "boring" when she isn't. Sure, I am much better in detecting the first deception rather than the second one. But thats me. Maybe someone else would be equally good (or equally bad) at detecting both deceptions. Who knows?

In case of ghosting, the girl chooses to be silent to avoid confrontation. But that doesn't work: when she is silent that would only cause me to obsess about her more. So what else can she do to get me to leave her along? Thats right: she can pretend to be boring. And then she "will" be talking to be, but she would underhandedly induce "me" to do her dirty work by being bored with her messages.

The other "twin" to this strategy is LJBF (an acronym for "lets just be friends" or friend zone). Both "inducing boredom" and LJBF have one thing in common: being around while taking the fun away. But, at the same time, they have one important difference. In case of LJBF she is actually telling me that she is taking "something" away. In case of "inducing boredom" she isn't doing it: rather she misleads me to think that she doesn't withhold anything, she just happens to be low-quality girl (or so she tries to get me to think). In fact, I am taking about the situations where I thought that either I was "in a relationship" (long distant one) or we were in a "talking" stage that would lead to a possible relationship down the road (and she didn't bother telling me that it wasn't the case). That is very different from LJBF when I am being told that no the relationship is not in the books. Again, I get angry in both cases, but in a very different way. With LJBF I get angry the moment I hear it. With "induced boredom" I feel bored and don't care for a really long time and then I get angry when somehow I realize I was misled.

Going back to the "induced boredom" strategy, I once read in one of the woman's profiles on dating site a statement "if you are worth it, I will make you like me". So the flip side of it is "if you are not worth it, I will make you bored with me". And here I am stupidly thinking it is me being bored when actually it is her who is purposely induces my boredom.



Last edited by QFT on 13 Jun 2021, 4:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.

GGPViper
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Sep 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,878

13 Jun 2021, 3:33 pm

QFT wrote:
Now, what I talked about now is different from being ghosted. Don't get me wrong: I get angry when I get ghoseted too. But its a different kind of anger. If I get ghosted I keep checking emails over and over desperately hoping she would write. But if I get bored, then I don't wait for her emails that much, and even if I do get her emails I don't really care cause I am taking her for granted. And thats why I feel so much misled when the girl whom I "thought" falls in the category of "taken for granted" is actually falling into a category of "rejectors". These categories are not just different but actually opposite to each other, since I would never take "rejectors" for granted. Thats why I basically feel lied to and misled. Do you see what I mean?

So, you have no problem with taking someone else for granted, but you get angry when someone else rejects you?


_________________
Omit needless words.


QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,104

13 Jun 2021, 4:29 pm

GGPViper wrote:
QFT wrote:
Now, what I talked about now is different from being ghosted. Don't get me wrong: I get angry when I get ghoseted too. But its a different kind of anger. If I get ghosted I keep checking emails over and over desperately hoping she would write. But if I get bored, then I don't wait for her emails that much, and even if I do get her emails I don't really care cause I am taking her for granted. And thats why I feel so much misled when the girl whom I "thought" falls in the category of "taken for granted" is actually falling into a category of "rejectors". These categories are not just different but actually opposite to each other, since I would never take "rejectors" for granted. Thats why I basically feel lied to and misled. Do you see what I mean?

So, you have no problem with taking someone else for granted, but you get angry when someone else rejects you?


Well, its not a conscious decision, it is something I see that I was doing in the retrospect. And like I mentioned in the beginning of this thread, the distance is part of it. So I can't "make" myself enjoy long distance relationships the way I would have enjoyed in-person ones. And similarly if the girl doesn't share much and only asks "good morning" how are you, I can't "make" myself enjoy it when there is very little to enjoy.

Now I realize that the girl can say the same thing that she can't "make herself" feel attraction to me if she doesn't. But the difference here is that her decision is a lot more conscious than mine. Because I realize what I was doing only in the retrospect, while she admits that she knew what she was doing all along. That plus also in her case she judged me for my personality traits that I could have changed if only she were to tell me that they bother her. But in my case it is a lot more immutable things that make me disinterested, such as geographical distance and so forth.

I guess yes, her personality contributes to it (or else I won't be blaming her for "inducing my boredom"). But here is the thing. Suppose she were to tell me that she can change and become a lot more exciting. Will I give her a chance? Yes. But when I keep telling her that I can change, she doesn't want to give me a chance because her mind is made up. Well, back at the time when I was "bored" with her I obviously didn't have that argument with her cause I didn't know the problem existed on the first place. But once she FINALLY admit to me what she was doing THEN I start to push and push (no longer bored of course!) but her mind is already made up. Unlike mine: if SHE were the one suggesting to change I wouldn't be so bent on rejecting her offer.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 76,312
Location: Queens, NYC

13 Jun 2021, 4:47 pm

Your over-analysis is a recipe for a non-optimal love life.

I had to change a little. Maybe you have to change, too? Or at least compromise a little.



QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,104

14 Jun 2021, 12:09 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I had to change a little. Maybe you have to change, too?


Actually in my previous reply I talked about how I keep telling girls I want to change but they won't give me a chance to. So yes I am willing to change, I am just bitter that others don't give me a chance to do so.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 76,312
Location: Queens, NYC

14 Jun 2021, 8:40 am

Women want you to change BEFORE they have to deal with you before you change.



QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,104

14 Jun 2021, 8:45 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Women want you to change BEFORE they have to deal with you before you change.


But the point is that they never told me “come back after you change”. If they did, I wouldn’t be complaining.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 76,312
Location: Queens, NYC

14 Jun 2021, 8:50 am

Why don’t you change, then try again?

Change for yourself.



QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,104

14 Jun 2021, 9:37 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Why don’t you change, then try again?

Change for yourself.


Because the change in question pertains to how I interact with people. So how can I change my interactions if they are non-existent on the first place?

Now, if the girl were to interact with me, then I would change how I act towards her. That I can do, yes. But if she refuses to interact with me, where can I even start?

Something just occurred to me. Maybe my social context is different from most people. Maybe most people who complain about not having a girlfriend still have circle of friends. So they can change how they interact with their friends. But in my case I don’t have any friends, so I want my potential girlfriend to play that role.



RightGalaxy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Dec 2008
Age: 61
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,017

15 Jun 2021, 10:01 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Your over-analysis is a recipe for a non-optimal love life.

I had to change a little. Maybe you have to change, too? Or at least compromise a little.

Go Kortie ! !! :)



Cloudman
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

Joined: 5 Oct 2019
Gender: Male
Posts: 143
Location: Pittsburgh

19 Jun 2021, 8:04 am

QFT wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Why don’t you change, then try again?

Change for yourself.


Because the change in question pertains to how I interact with people. So how can I change my interactions if they are non-existent on the first place?

Now, if the girl were to interact with me, then I would change how I act towards her. That I can do, yes. But if she refuses to interact with me, where can I even start?

Something just occurred to me. Maybe my social context is different from most people. Maybe most people who complain about not having a girlfriend still have circle of friends. So they can change how they interact with their friends. But in my case I don’t have any friends, so I want my potential girlfriend to play that role.

Or maybe you need to change your focus entirely. if this brings you so much pain should you be dwelling on it?


_________________
You can think you are just an observer but your unbenounced actions say otherwise you are always a participant in some form


QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,104

19 Jun 2021, 9:19 am

Cloudman wrote:
Or maybe you need to change your focus entirely. if this brings you so much pain should you be dwelling on it?


But I do want relationships, marriage, children, etc. I don't want to miss out on a very big part of life that everyone else has.



Cloudman
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

Joined: 5 Oct 2019
Gender: Male
Posts: 143
Location: Pittsburgh

19 Jun 2021, 12:11 pm

QFT wrote:
Cloudman wrote:
Or maybe you need to change your focus entirely. if this brings you so much pain should you be dwelling on it?


But I do want relationships, marriage, children, etc. I don't want to miss out on a very big part of life that everyone else has.

I see. I've heard of another option going abroad ,more options. I had better luck with foriegn women still not good but better. But typically its easier to find people by doing the things you enjoy. For example I had way more friends when I was in college in a field I enjoyed studying. If you start doing activities you are way more likely to meet someone. And for straight up social skills you can take classes or get coached.


_________________
You can think you are just an observer but your unbenounced actions say otherwise you are always a participant in some form


QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,104

19 Jun 2021, 3:59 pm

Cloudman wrote:
I see. I've heard of another option going abroad ,more options. I had better luck with foriegn women still not good but better.


I can't just pick up and go, since I am tied to whatever university I am studying/working at, at any given time. And positions in mathematics and theoretical physics are competitive.

Speaking of that, I spent 5 years in India precisely for this reason: I couldn't find postdoc positions elsewhere. But, as far as finding a woman, I am not interested in colored women, so being in India only hindered me rather than helped me in regards to relationships.

I do have a couple of ideas of going to Europe though. One is that I had an interview many years ago with a professor in Scottland who is collaborating with a professor in France. But maybe I can get in touch with him and try again. The other possibility are two professors in England with whom I tried to collaborate on one of my papers. They agreed that my ideas were good but we didn't agree on some of the details so that particular project I ended up doing with someone else. But again maybe I can get in touch with them and see if they can give me postdoc positions.

If I do go to Europe, then yes I would definitely want to date European women since they are just as White as American ones are. But do you think they would be less picky? I don't know one way or the other since I never had an opportunity to live in Europe as an adult. What is your opinion though? Are European women less picky than American, or are they about the same?

Cloudman wrote:
But typically its easier to find people by doing the things you enjoy. For example I had way more friends when I was in college in a field I enjoyed studying.


I went back to school and am currently doing ph.d. in Math. But for some reason I am not good at socializing there either. If I were, I would actually "prefer" dating women there than elsewhere since I always wanted to be in a relationship with either a mathematician or a physicist.

Part of it is my fault though. I had a habbit of studying in the restaurants rather than in my office for the purposes of change of scenary. So maybe I should study in my office more and see what happens.

This particular thought is two years old. And, two years ago, few days after I thought that, I had a new female graduate student assigned to my room. Yet I blew it (see this thread viewtopic.php?f=7&p=8334748 ) So after I blew it with her, I was again studying in the restaurants. But this time it was "not" because I wanted to change the scenary, but rather because I wanted to avoid her.

But I wasn't there a year due to covid. So I really hope they would assign someone else to my office other than her, and then I can try again. I know that I can't really count on that other person being a female, but the point is to just "be around the department", and see if that will somehow catalyze my communication with the females there.

Still, however, I am not too optimistic. When I was coming to math classes few minutes early in hopes that a female student would strike a conversation with me, it would never happen. They would talk to each other but not to me. My only hope of it being any different this time is

(i) I wasn't there for a year so it would sort of be a new start
(ii) If I do start studying in my office then I would become more familiar to them
(iii) I will try to pay more attention to grooming

So we will see.

Cloudman wrote:
I did try to do it at some point If you start doing activities you are way more likely to meet someone.


Well, one other activity I enjoy, besides school, is church. And in church nobody talks to me either.



Cloudman
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

Joined: 5 Oct 2019
Gender: Male
Posts: 143
Location: Pittsburgh

19 Jun 2021, 5:08 pm

QFT wrote:
Cloudman wrote:
I see. I've heard of another option going abroad ,more options. I had better luck with foriegn women still not good but better.


I can't just pick up and go, since I am tied to whatever university I am studying/working at, at any given time. And positions in mathematics and theoretical physics are competitive.

Speaking of that, I spent 5 years in India precisely for this reason: I couldn't find postdoc positions elsewhere. But, as far as finding a woman, I am not interested in colored women, so being in India only hindered me rather than helped me in regards to relationships.

I do have a couple of ideas of going to Europe though. One is that I had an interview many years ago with a professor in Scottland who is collaborating with a professor in France. But maybe I can get in touch with him and try again. The other possibility are two professors in England with whom I tried to collaborate on one of my papers. They agreed that my ideas were good but we didn't agree on some of the details so that particular project I ended up doing with someone else. But again maybe I can get in touch with them and see if they can give me postdoc positions.

If I do go to Europe, then yes I would definitely want to date European women since they are just as White as American ones are. But do you think they would be less picky? I don't know one way or the other since I never had an opportunity to live in Europe as an adult. What is your opinion though? Are European women less picky than American, or are they about the same?

Cloudman wrote:
But typically its easier to find people by doing the things you enjoy. For example I had way more friends when I was in college in a field I enjoyed studying.


I went back to school and am currently doing ph.d. in Math. But for some reason I am not good at socializing there either. If I were, I would actually "prefer" dating women there than elsewhere since I always wanted to be in a relationship with either a mathematician or a physicist.

Part of it is my fault though. I had a habbit of studying in the restaurants rather than in my office for the purposes of change of scenary. So maybe I should study in my office more and see what happens.

This particular thought is two years old. And, two years ago, few days after I thought that, I had a new female graduate student assigned to my room. Yet I blew it (see this thread viewtopic.php?f=7&p=8334748 ) So after I blew it with her, I was again studying in the restaurants. But this time it was "not" because I wanted to change the scenary, but rather because I wanted to avoid her.

But I wasn't there a year due to covid. So I really hope they would assign someone else to my office other than her, and then I can try again. I know that I can't really count on that other person being a female, but the point is to just "be around the department", and see if that will somehow catalyze my communication with the females there.

Still, however, I am not too optimistic. When I was coming to math classes few minutes early in hopes that a female student would strike a conversation with me, it would never happen. They would talk to each other but not to me. My only hope of it being any different this time is

(i) I wasn't there for a year so it would sort of be a new start
(ii) If I do start studying in my office then I would become more familiar to them
(iii) I will try to pay more attention to grooming

So we will see.

Cloudman wrote:
I did try to do it at some point If you start doing activities you are way more likely to meet someone.


Well, one other activity I enjoy, besides school, is church. And in church nobody talks to me either.

I have never been to Europe, but I have spoke to some European women online only a few, I think it depends on the country where your going. I spoke to a woman from Spain she was really friendly. You can try southern Europe they are know to be romantic, they are darker, but still white per say.


_________________
You can think you are just an observer but your unbenounced actions say otherwise you are always a participant in some form


GGPViper
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Sep 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,878

19 Jun 2021, 5:22 pm

Many European countries (in Western Europe, at least) are also very secular, so the "No sex before marriage" thing is probably considered quite archaic in many places...


_________________
Omit needless words.