My fiancee and I had our 1st major fight

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badRobot
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19 Jun 2021, 2:55 pm

salad wrote:
Everything I'm doing is for my fiancee. I dont want her to love a coward. I want her to love someone strong and brave and reliable, someone she can feel safe around, someone who can protect her. The fact that I'm still a coward towards my father, towards the Israeli army, and towards the man who almost killed me, is the opposite of where my story's direction needs to go. I want my fiancee to be with someone who is fearless, unencumbered by trauma, and who can protect her without worry.

I want to show her that these traumas dont have to scare her and that there is a way to confront the past and conquer it.


This is just your ego and insecurities speaking.

If you care about your loved ones, you should take care of your own health, this is how you protect them instead of being a burden for them. Stupid risks and injuries achieve nothing.

If you are walking down a dark alley with your fiancee and see a gang of drunk thugs, and objectively you know there is risk to be assaulted, you should take your fiancee and quietly walk away before they notice you even if you are afraid she would think you are a coward. This is how you really protect her instead of protecting your ego and putting her life at risk.

This is pretty much the same situation.



salad
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20 Jun 2021, 4:42 am

Right now these 2 scenes from the movie "Rocky 4" explain my state of my mind as I'm up awake pondering these life choices and feeling a massive tug of war between my own ambitions and desires being pit against the advice im receiving from everyone else:




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aspiemike
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20 Jun 2021, 7:25 am

I am seeing it has been brought up that you are a writer, I can relate on that. The best avenue to get out what you are feeling and thinking when you otherwise can't is to write. My blog is attached to my bio. I very rarely write there anymore if at all I ever do. But you will get an idea of how I chose to deal with the negativity in my life. I came to realize later on in life that I was no longer motivated to keep writing when I found I was no longer in a dark place. I am not going to say that happens to you since perhaps other things will motivate you.


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badRobot
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20 Jun 2021, 11:14 am

salad wrote:
Right now these 2 scenes from the movie "Rocky 4" explain my state of my mind as I'm up awake pondering these life choices and feeling a massive tug of war between my own ambitions and desires being pit against the advice im receiving from everyone else:


You have already done what Rocky does in the first video. You've challenged your Ivan Drago, the big gang member.

Did you know Stallone initially have written ending where Rocky was killed in the street fight in Rocky V? He wanted this saga to have more meaningful message, he said in the interview he cried himself while writing it, but this ending was turned down by studio executives. You didn't win your fight against this gang member, but "winning is not about how hard one hits, but rather about how hard one can get hit and keep going forward".

These events didn't turn you into fanatical antisemite, you realize your father was abusive, you don't take out anger at innocent people in your life. You are winning. These events didn't break you. This is what matters, you can keep going forward, you win. It doesn't really matter if you prove it to people who did something to you. Part of you that doesn't want to accept it is ego, this is what is holding you back.

You can win the fight against your ego or you can give up to your ego and do what it wants and get your closure. Both ways are valid, but I personally believe overcoming your ego is the next level of toughness.

This is just how I see it.



salad
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20 Jun 2021, 1:46 pm

badRobot wrote:
salad wrote:
Right now these 2 scenes from the movie "Rocky 4" explain my state of my mind as I'm up awake pondering these life choices and feeling a massive tug of war between my own ambitions and desires being pit against the advice im receiving from everyone else:


You have already done what Rocky does in the first video. You've challenged your Ivan Drago, the big gang member.

Did you know Stallone initially have written ending where Rocky was killed in the street fight in Rocky V? He wanted this saga to have more meaningful message, he said in the interview he cried himself while writing it, but this ending was turned down by studio executives. You didn't win your fight against this gang member, but "winning is not about how hard one hits, but rather about how hard one can get hit and keep going forward".

These events didn't turn you into fanatical antisemite, you realize your father was abusive, you don't take out anger at innocent people in your life. You are winning. These events didn't break you. This is what matters, you can keep going forward, you win. It doesn't really matter if you prove it to people who did something to you. Part of you that doesn't want to accept it is ego, this is what is holding you back.

You can win the fight against your ego or you can give up to your ego and do what it wants and get your closure. Both ways are valid, but I personally believe overcoming your ego is the next level of toughness.

This is just how I see it.


I'm starting to lean more towards your advice given how persuasive that sounds. I never thought of it that way.

My mind still isnt made up and I will discuss this later in therapy, however reading what you wrote pushed me a little further away from my original goals and plans


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enz
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21 Jun 2021, 11:13 pm

salad wrote:
I want my fiancee to be with someone who is fearless, unencumbered by trauma, and who can protect her without worry.


Your a lot more able to look after your fiancee by not being in a hospital bed because you took a punch to the head.

I'm sure in your prime no problem but no one can fight forever.