Deep Dowm, Are Aspies Afraid Of Being Taken Advantage Of?

Page 1 of 1 [ 15 posts ] 

Aspinator
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2008
Age: 65
Gender: Male
Posts: 640
Location: AspinatorLand

19 Jun 2021, 11:25 am

This is from my own experince. I automatically assume people are acting sincerely when I interact with them. While some people are; others are not. There are some people that seem to have a 6th sense and are able to tell if a person is mildly autistic and will try to take advantage of them. I try my best not to put out "needy" vibes such as I need acceptance or friends, etc.. I also consider this as an Aspie secret power. I also realize this has made me somewhat stand-offish. What is your way to handle others when they are not sincere?



Dear_one
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Feb 2008
Age: 72
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,904
Location: Where the Great Plains meet the Northern Pines

19 Jun 2021, 1:35 pm

I don't think you can generalize on this being associated with AS. There are lots of other situations that can make people easy to fool. Sometimes, I will make a small loan as a test of honesty. It is worth the loss to get the information. I try to avoid dealing with parties I don't trust, which sometimes leaves me with few options but more confidence.



ToughDiamond
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Age: 68
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,282

19 Jun 2021, 1:48 pm

I think I used to put out needy vibes when I was much younger, but I stopped - not because I was afraid people would take advantage of me but because I felt I'd put people off, as indeed I myself feel wary of anybody giving off too much of a needy vibe in case they prove difficult to get rid of. I used to feel more desperate for friends than I do these days. I still feel lonely, but I stopped acting desperately because that didn't work. I more took the attitude that I needed to be more picky about who I associated with, and if that meant I'd be on my own a lot, well that was a great pity but the alternative was probably even worse.

I've always been fairly confident in my ability to avoid being taken advantage of. I come from a somewhat cynical family. To my mind, if I don't know a person well, I'll limit what I invest in them to what I feel I can afford to lose, because I'm not in the habit of trusting people I don't know, and I have a keen eye for a con trick. I've grown to have rather an aloof persona in some ways, but I didn't so much consciously cultivate it. I just stopped pretending to be quite so nice, which I felt was coming over as too needy - if somebody is bending over backwards to please everybody, that's probably not sincere, it's just that they're desperate for approval and they're resorting to projecting a false persona to get that approval, and I think most people see straight through it and look down on them for it.



Nades
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 8 Jan 2017
Age: 1931
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,083
Location: wales

19 Jun 2021, 3:41 pm

Dear_one wrote:
I don't think you can generalize on this being associated with AS. There are lots of other situations that can make people easy to fool. Sometimes, I will make a small loan as a test of honesty. It is worth the loss to get the information. I try to avoid dealing with parties I don't trust, which sometimes leaves me with few options but more confidence.


The idea if a small loan seems ingenious



Dear_one
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Feb 2008
Age: 72
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,904
Location: Where the Great Plains meet the Northern Pines

19 Jun 2021, 3:54 pm

^^ The other side of this is returning things to build trust. When I first moved here, I borrowed my neigbour's leaf rake before shopping for one of my own. I was careful to return it to it's place promptly, and have since borrowed several tools, and loaned a few.



HikawaRina
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 19 Jun 2021
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Posts: 1

19 Jun 2021, 4:36 pm

It was instilled at an early age that its impossible for someone to genuinely take a liking to me so I assume any niceties have an ulterior motive of exploitation later down the line.



WhatTheHey
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2021
Age: 121
Posts: 39

19 Jun 2021, 10:33 pm

I don't think I am afraid of being taken advantage of, because I think most of the time at this stage in my life I either: (1) Still don't realize it's happening until way in, or (2) I'm hanging back, maybe not assuming I'm going to be taken advantage of, but more assuming that non-ASD people are going to have different views or wants than I do and it's not going to match up well at all.


_________________
Diagnosed ASD 2011


bcousins
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 May 2011
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 806
Location: On a failed Tangara set at Blacktown

19 Jun 2021, 10:42 pm

Speaking in terms of the DSM, and therefore including all autistics in this, I don't believe that all autistics have this issue. I imagine it is worse if, for example, you've had this issue previously, in which, it becomes a once-bitten, twice-shy (confirmation bias) sort of thing.


_________________
Want another alternative to WrongPlanet?
https://aspergers.network/forums/ <- New Version Coming (hopefully) soon.


Dear_one
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Feb 2008
Age: 72
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,904
Location: Where the Great Plains meet the Northern Pines

19 Jun 2021, 10:47 pm

I used to be very trusting. It would take me a long time to understand that X loaned thing was not coming back. Then, I decided to be suspicious. I don't think the reduction in losses was worth the time I spent trying to determine the odds.



ToughDiamond
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Age: 68
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,282

20 Jun 2021, 12:01 am

Dear_one wrote:
I used to be very trusting. It would take me a long time to understand that X loaned thing was not coming back. Then, I decided to be suspicious. I don't think the reduction in losses was worth the time I spent trying to determine the odds.

I was lucky enough at an early age to read on the back of a matchbox, "It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same." I'm not quite that cynical, but the advice of the matchbox was then and still is something I see a lot of truth in. If you lend something, objectively speaking you run the risk of not getting it back, though some people have more integrity in this respect than others.



CinderashAutomaton
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 11 Jun 2021
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 63
Location: Canada

20 Jun 2021, 7:31 am

I had a crash course of bullies since birth all the way to the end of high school to help me keep my guard up, and a 'healthy' dose of people trying to take advantage of me (as a perceived NT) in one way or another any time I've been exposed to a large enough sample of people.

I don't know about aspy skepticism being a congenital matter, but I can see it being something that would naturally emerge in those with a strong focus on details and don't suffer from too much of a lack of social awareness; In the big barrel of apples that is humanity, there will always be some bad ones. It'd be strange never to encounter them, so of course those with better abilities to perceive, remember and/or think would develop some caution.

There's a lot of ways people can take advantage of you, so there's a lot of ways to more efficiently deal with them. Could be as simple as a deadpan "No thanks", as complicated as being disingenuously evasive, or as direct as "f**k off, I know what you're trying to do".

The 'small loan' approach is alright, but I would only take it as proof of how they deal with 'small loans'. And then, too, people's behaviors change depending on their current state and what's at stake.

Personally, I try gauge their ethical integrity and give them as much trust as they've shown able to handle. Otherwise, I try not to give anything that I don't have the ability to forcefully get back. If I'm in a situation I can't just brush off, I only give as much as I can stand to lose, and count it as a loss (and a debt) right away. If they don't return the favor, then I forever treat them as a discredited debtor (like the plague).

I'm not always the best at sticking to my logical judgement. I've noticed over time that I tend to bend to social pressure/harassment from people I'm invested in in some way. For better or for worse, I've had to culture in myself a stronger sense of pre-emptive anger and being offended to deal with that. Sometimes it's just fake acting, sometimes it's real. It's really complicated because, well, social situations can get complicated.

I don't think people specifically target aspies. It's all about differences in power, which comes in all kinds of different forms. Physical, social, economic, environmental, direct, indirect, observational, intellectual, etc.. Taking advantage of differences in power has existed since single-celled organisms were the only living things on Earth. IMO it's just an unfortunate consequence that autists tend to have more and/or stronger vulnerabilities in certain areas.


_________________
Thank you deeply for sharing your experiences. I don't feel so alone anymore.


AprilR
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 8 Apr 2016
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,878

20 Jun 2021, 9:43 am

I have this but not deep down. I am fully aware that i am scared of other people and i try to keep a distance with everyone.



HeroOfHyrule
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2020
Age: 19
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 5,732
Location: Pacific Northwest

20 Jun 2021, 10:55 am

I've been taken advantage of quite often, so now I have anxiety over it happening. People seem to eventually notice that I'm naive and eager to help other people, so they figure out that they can get things from me and pressure me to do things for them, without me noticing that they're taking advantage of me. I don't notice people are doing that unless others point it out or the other person makes mistreating me quite obvious.


_________________
I use he/him pronouns.

I like playing video games, watching cartoons and anime, reading, and cooking.

I have two cats, a rabbit, and a dog. I also enjoy learning + cataloguing information about different types of animals and plants.

Empathy Quotient: 34/80
Systemizing Quotient: 104/150
Friendship Quotient: 56/140
Autism Quotient: 36/80

RAADS-R: 169

CAT-Q: 153
Compensation: 57
Masking: 47
Assimilation: 49

Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 144 of 200.
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 63 of 200.
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie).


ASPartOfMe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Aug 2013
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 25,891
Location: Long Island, New York

20 Jun 2021, 2:32 pm

AprilR wrote:
I have this but not deep down. I am fully aware that i am scared of other people and i try to keep a distance with everyone.

Similar here.


_________________
Professionally Identified and joined WP August 26, 2013
DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity.

“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman


Edna3362
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Oct 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,116
Location: ᜆᜄᜎᜓᜄ᜔

20 Jun 2021, 3:01 pm

I do not share the same circumstances. Therefore I do not share the same fears.



I already learnt the lessons of loaning in a very, very early age.

Times even before school age because things related to debt are instilled, and I observed what it can do; both the good and bad.

For reasons even I don't understand, I've been a wicked person.
I already saw ideas on how to take advantage of the idea of debt and loaning -- before ever being a victim myself.

So there is no question for me if anyone would've ever thought or do the same.
And the idea of relishing it, while disregarding the other side.



To make it long story short...
I do not fear being taken advantaged of.

Because I already know the power of saying no and the ability to never expect anything in return.
I never, ever loan stuff. I don't even borrow unless it's something that do not leave within my line of sight.

And I share mostly because I feel like it. Never because I ought to.

What pisses me off, instead, is conscience. The idea this stupid head of guilting itself into thinking of inability to pay debt. I want the ability to disregard debt.


_________________
Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).