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QFT
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22 Jun 2021, 3:25 pm

I just noticed that, after being away for a year due to COVID, when I came back on campus people seem a bit less rude. Nothing major: its not like anyone wants to get to know me, much less invite me anywhere. But at least females don't cross the street when I walk, they smile at me from time to time and a couple of times when I ask a male some questions for directions a female answered it. I know it sounds silly to almost everyone, but given the treatment I experienced that means at least something.

So I am wondering: does it mean that when I stay in the same place everyone remembers me? How else would you explain why they treat me worse than if I am new? But then think of how many people there are. I am not talking about small village. I am talking about big city. And when I live in that city for some time and everyone becomes rude to me, getting to the opposite side of the city doesn't help: they are still rude to me even there. So how does that rumor spread across the whole city?



Mona Pereth
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22 Jun 2021, 8:20 pm

QFT wrote:
I am not talking about small village. I am talking about big city. And when I live in that city for some time and everyone becomes rude to me, getting to the opposite side of the city doesn't help: they are still rude to me even there. So how does that rumor spread across the whole city?

It's unlikely that rumors about you would be spreading across an entire large city (unless you're a celebrity or something).

That being the case, my guess would be that you behave differently when you are new to a city vs. when you have been around for a while, and other people are responding to the differences in your behavior.


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QFT
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22 Jun 2021, 11:51 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
QFT wrote:
I am not talking about small village. I am talking about big city. And when I live in that city for some time and everyone becomes rude to me, getting to the opposite side of the city doesn't help: they are still rude to me even there. So how does that rumor spread across the whole city?

It's unlikely that rumors about you would be spreading across an entire large city (unless you're a celebrity or something).

That being the case, my guess would be that you behave differently when you are new to a city vs. when you have been around for a while, and other people are responding to the differences in your behavior.


Yeah, thats what I thought before, particularly because I tend to be in a good mood when I come to a new place. But the past week I was not in a good mood yet still had similarly better outcome. Thats why I am wondering that maybe its not just the mood.



Mona Pereth
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23 Jun 2021, 2:57 am

QFT wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
It's unlikely that rumors about you would be spreading across an entire large city (unless you're a celebrity or something).

That being the case, my guess would be that you behave differently when you are new to a city vs. when you have been around for a while, and other people are responding to the differences in your behavior.



Yeah, thats what I thought before, particularly because I tend to be in a good mood when I come to a new place. But the past week I was not in a good mood yet still had similarly better outcome. Thats why I am wondering that maybe its not just the mood.

Perhaps the difference in your behavior is something other than just how good you are feeling emotionally?

Perhaps, in a new city, you are more polite, or perhaps you generally pay more attention to other people?

Or perhaps, in a new city, you are less resentful, even when you otherwise aren't feeling very good?


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Fireblossom
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23 Jun 2021, 9:47 am

Hmm well, people being less rude now than they were before the whole covid thing could be about them just being in a good mood in general and being glad about getting to see people, so they might ignore whatever bad vibes you give off that they wouldn't have ignored before. Or perhaps you no longer give off those bad vibes that you did before covid? We've talked about your personal hygiene before and come to the conclusion that it's not the best possible most of the time. Has that changed? Do you take better care of your hygiene now than you used to? If yes then that could be a clear reason why people are now less rude to you.

As for people getting rude to you after time passes... well, that's a little trickier, and there are many reasons it could be about or it could be a combination of things. In a small town, in theory all you'd have to do to have everyone to not like you is piss off a few wrong people and they could spread rumors, true or false, that would make people dislike you or people just wouldn't want to be friends with you to not piss off the wrong people, but in a big city? I don't think it works that way, no way in fact. Maybe in certain hobby circles or the like, but not the whole city.

Anyway, here are some options on what I think it could be about:

- When you first go to a new place, you put more effort in to looking presentable and/or in socializing in the proper way, so people think you're normal, but once you no longer put in that effort, you come across as not as normal and people don't like that.

- If you look messy and not presentable, which I think you probably do or at least have looked like based on our earlier conversations, people might first think that you might still be an okay guy despite looking like that, yet then they actually get to know you and realize that you're not someone who fits their idea of an okay guy, so they start being rude to you. In this case, the word can also get around in the negative way that people you've actually interacted with warn others about "that messy looking guy."

- Perhaps you unconsciously do something differently when you get to a new place? As in, maybe you smile more, talk more politely, use less offensive body language or something without realizing it when you get to a new town, so people are more polite to you because of it, but when that stops, people get ruder. Maybe you don't do that thing, whatever it is, when you're new to that area of some town but not the town itself, which is why there's no nice phase even though the people are new?

- When people meet someone new, they're nice at first because they don't know if you're higher than them in the local social pecking order or not. When it turns out that you aren't, they no longer feel the need to be nice unless they actually like you.

One thing I'm also wondering about is who the people on the other side of the town that you meet are? As in, do you go to the other side of the town for college related things? If so, some of the people there might be ones you've already met, and word gets around. Or are they people who work in shops or restaurants? Those people could also have shifts all around the city in the same chain restaurants/shops and might know who you are from that even if you don't recognize them. If your appearance is one that stands out, it's even more likely.



Summer_Twilight
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24 Jun 2021, 1:27 pm

QFT wrote:
I just noticed that, after being away for a year due to COVID, when I came back on campus people seem a bit less rude. Nothing major: its not like anyone wants to get to know me, much less invite me anywhere. But at least females don't cross the street when I walk, they smile at me from time to time and a couple of times when I ask a male some questions for directions a female answered it. I know it sounds silly to almost everyone, but given the treatment I experienced that means at least something.

So I am wondering: does it mean that when I stay in the same place everyone remembers me? How else would you explain why they treat me worse than if I am new? But then think of how many people there are. I am not talking about small village. I am talking about big city. And when I live in that city for some time and everyone becomes rude to me, getting to the opposite side of the city doesn't help: they are still rude to me even there. So how does that rumor spread across the whole city?



If you live in a small town, more people will know about you and the word will get out about what kind of person you are. That said, people tend to keep to themselves in big cities like you are referring too. When it comes to people being rude to you in big cities like that, it's just part of their nature.

For example, there several people who live in my city who have become increasingly superficial and stuck on themselves. Just so you know, they are not very pleasant to be around either. At the moment, there are places where I used to enjoy going to eat out and I find these kinds of people in them.