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salad
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24 Jun 2021, 5:39 pm

In my culture it is absolutely forbidden for men to cry and I've never ever met a guy whose cried. My dad belted me on the face as a kid for once crying and he emphasized that men dont cry

I try to adhere to that standard but I always fall short. I'm at the core a deeply sensitive and emotional person despite how hard I try to suppress it and I feel insecure about it especially when I cry easily, especially when I see others suffer

I try to avoid crying in front of my fiance because I feel like she would be ashamed if she saw me cry, and I try to suppress my emotions and kill them, but I can never seem to erase them

I was just thinking about this because as I was laying in bed sick and watching a sad movie on my phone, "The Lion of The Desert" I found myself crying during the scene when the Libyans were hanged by the Italians. I tried not to cry but I couldn't

I wonder how I can erase this bad habit


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Shadow1888
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24 Jun 2021, 5:42 pm

No it is a good thing. It shows you have feelings.



Shadow1888
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24 Jun 2021, 5:47 pm

What I mean is i used to see it as a sign of weakness then i held my daughter for the first time and realized i was wrong.



kraftiekortie
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24 Jun 2021, 5:54 pm

I've been known to cry in movies....and on some other occasions.

I really try not to cry in front of people, though.

It doesn't make you less of a "man" if you cry, in my opinion.



Mountain Goat
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24 Jun 2021, 5:54 pm

I agree with Shadow and Kraftie.

Crying is natural even for men. Don't be embarissed.



funeralxempire
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24 Jun 2021, 6:07 pm

No, it's normal and it's often harmful to repress the need to, at least it certainly was for me.


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KimD
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24 Jun 2021, 6:27 pm

Some researchers believe that crying may actually be a way to release biochemical toxins--stress hormones. It can be cathartic, helping you to relieve the feelings you've repressed (sometimes without even realizing it), and lead the way to a more peaceful state of mind. Tears can signal to you and others that something needs attention, and in my opinion, it's foolish to ignore that. I've often wondered how many people who suppress their emotions end up bursting out inappropriately, even violently, but we may never know because a lot of those folks are probably so unaware of what they've gone through that they can't even identify their emotions clearly--or will refuse to talk about them freely.

I realize the standard you were raised with is cultural, but I strongly believe that telling anyone, including a boy or a man, not to cry is borderline abusive--and physically punishing them for it definitely is. There may be places or times when crying is considered inappropriate, but never people for whom it's inappropriate.

One of the most attractive things to me about my husband of 26 wonderful years is that he does get teary-eyed--both in happy times and sad. He's a three-dimensional person who isn't numb to the realities of life.

Please don't punish yourself for having a kind and caring heart. :heart:



IsabellaLinton
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24 Jun 2021, 6:31 pm

There's no shame in crying. There is, however, shame in belting your child for having emotions. I'm sorry that happened to you. You'll learn in trauma therapy that crying is a healthy release. Not everyone is emotionally or physically able to cry, so consider yourself fortunate if you're able to shed some tears. From what I know of your fiancée she'll respect you for sharing your vulnerability, if it happens when you're together.



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24 Jun 2021, 9:51 pm

No it is not, it is a natural human thing to do.


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cyberdad
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24 Jun 2021, 9:53 pm

salad wrote:
In my culture it is absolutely forbidden for men to cry and I've never ever met a guy whose cried. My dad belted me on the face as a kid for once crying and he emphasized that men dont cry


In many warrior cultures boys who cried were shunned as weak. Do you think this is where this stems from?



salad
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24 Jun 2021, 9:55 pm

cyberdad wrote:
salad wrote:
In my culture it is absolutely forbidden for men to cry and I've never ever met a guy whose cried. My dad belted me on the face as a kid for once crying and he emphasized that men dont cry


In many warrior cultures boys who cried were shunned as weak. Do you think this is where this stems from?


To be fair my father who belted me for crying was Russian and I dont remember Russia being a warrior culture


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kraftiekortie
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24 Jun 2021, 10:46 pm

If he descended from the Cossacks, he’s descended from warriors.



auntblabby
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24 Jun 2021, 11:56 pm

in amuuuurica at least, reactionary types generally are big into stoicism, into not showing "softer" emotions, and ridicule men who cry. they do a tremendous disservice to the rest of us with such a censorious attitude about emotions. IMHO these people are sociopathic, and they reveal themselves as such with their attitude [seeing crying as a weakness].



CockneyRebel
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25 Jun 2021, 12:20 am

It's not wrong for men to cry. It's natural.


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salad
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25 Jun 2021, 12:21 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
If he descended from the Cossacks, he’s descended from warriors.


I dont know which specific Russian ethnic group he descends from except that I know he was born in Kiev.


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DW_a_mom
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25 Jun 2021, 2:10 am

I think this would be a great conversation to have with your fiance. You worry what she will think, so why not ask what she thinks? The topic is just the tip of the iceberg as to what kind of men you both would want to raise sons to be, and being on the same page with these kinds of things is important to a marriage. It is easier to work through differences now while you both are still in the glow of discovery.

Overall, I agree with the others: it is OK for men to cry, but in my experience men try not to cry in front of other men. The problem is, a lot of difficult pain can build up inside if you spend too much time suppressing your natural reactions, and eventually all the suppressed emotion can come out in toxic and inappropriate actions. Better to know when you can safely break down and cry than assume and suppress.


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