Paying my girlfriend to clean

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Brainiac42
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25 Jun 2021, 3:40 pm

I don’t clean much because I work over 40 hours a week and I am also going to school over the summer. My girlfriend says if I don’t start helping her cleaning (Dishes, laundry, etc.) then I will have to start paying her 30 dollars a week because she is not a maid. Is this fair?

Some additional information, my girlfriend also works full time but she is not in school.

I know I ask for a good amount of relationship advice on here, but my friends/family will always side with me so it’s nice to get opinions from people who know neither of us.



Sweetleaf
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25 Jun 2021, 3:54 pm

What is her work situation? Is she also working 40 hours a week or mostly at home?

If she is at home more than no I don't think it's fair is she expects you to do an equal share of housework/chores.

I do more of the housework/chores in my relationship, since my boyfriend works full time and I just get disability, or at most may do some part time work as well but no matter how we slice it I am at home way more during the day, so makes sense if I do more housework than he does.

Also, well I like to though its helpful and if I put some music on and get into it, its even kind of fun, also just the knowledge it makes it easier on him than having to work more plus do an equal amount of housework is a good feeling I suppose.


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Brainiac42
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25 Jun 2021, 3:57 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
What is her work situation? Is she also working 40 hours a week or mostly at home?

If she is at home more than no I don't think it's fair is she expects you to do an equal share of housework/chores.

I do more of the housework/chores in my relationship, since my boyfriend works full time and I just get disability, or at most may do some part time work as well but no matter how we slice it I am at home way more during the day, so makes sense if I do more housework than he does.

Also, well I like to though its helpful and if I put some music on and get into it, its even kind of fun, also just the knowledge it makes it easier on him than having to work more plus do an equal amount of housework is a good feeling I suppose.


She works 40 hours a week sometimes more, I work 40+ hours a week at home, office job. But I am a sophomore in college and my classes are upper level so I have a lot of work to do, I am not sure how to fit in cleaning.



kraftiekortie
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25 Jun 2021, 4:01 pm

I guess I'd probably give her the $30 were I in your situation-----but the trouble is, she might raise that.

Has she shown any love and affection for you recently? It sounds like she's thinking of your relationship as a business arrangement, somehow. I don't see the "love" coming from her.

I'm not very good at cleaning myself. And I just don't like it. If my wife would consent, I might pay for a maid for her. There are many people out there who need jobs.



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25 Jun 2021, 4:06 pm

Brainiac42 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
What is her work situation? Is she also working 40 hours a week or mostly at home?

If she is at home more than no I don't think it's fair is she expects you to do an equal share of housework/chores.

I do more of the housework/chores in my relationship, since my boyfriend works full time and I just get disability, or at most may do some part time work as well but no matter how we slice it I am at home way more during the day, so makes sense if I do more housework than he does.

Also, well I like to though its helpful and if I put some music on and get into it, its even kind of fun, also just the knowledge it makes it easier on him than having to work more plus do an equal amount of housework is a good feeling I suppose.


She works 40 hours a week sometimes more, I work 40+ hours a week at home, office job. But I am a sophomore in college and my classes are upper level so I have a lot of work to do, I am not sure how to fit in cleaning.


Well in that case I can see her point more, it is simpler if one person works more. But if you both work 40 hours than it may not be entirely unfair, if you aren't able to help out more.


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Brainiac42
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25 Jun 2021, 4:40 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I guess I'd probably give her the $30 were I in your situation-----but the trouble is, she might raise that.

Has she shown any love and affection for you recently? It sounds like she's thinking of your relationship as a business arrangement, somehow. I don't see the "love" coming from her.

I'm not very good at cleaning myself. And I just don't like it. If my wife would consent, I might pay for a maid for her. There are many people out there who need jobs.


We haven’t been able to spend a whole lot of time together recently.. because we are both working/school.. we just give the typical “I’m leaving” kiss and goodnight kiss lately.. but we’ve been together almost 7 years so that isn’t entirely irregular I don’t think.. She messaged me and said she loves me and would like to spend quality time together soon so I don’t think she thinks of it as only a business arrangement.. but that does have me thinking..

She does have me buy a lot for her, I posted about that not long ago.



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26 Jun 2021, 8:44 am

$30 a week for cleaning??? You’d be ripping her off!

Take her up on it, it’s a good deal!

My wife does all my laundry, cleans, and takes care of the kids. I pay her over $30k per year (my entire paycheck. :lol: ).

Seriously, it’s only because she hasn’t been able to get a job that pays enough to justify putting our baby in daycare. I work two jobs, freelance, and am looking at a third job. I like to stay busy. I’m a complementarian, and I think that applies to all kinds of relationships, not just traditional roles. I’m good at certain things while my wife excels at things I suck at. Together we’re a rock solid team. If your gf is serious about the $30, go for it. I’m a bit more concerned that the relationship is too casual to justify living together, but that’s not my business.



IsabellaLinton
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26 Jun 2021, 8:57 am

If you both work 40 hours, why are you the one expected to pay for cleaning?

Why is the onus only on you to pay? That doesn't make sense.

I'd say you both contribute $30 (or whatever price) and you get a cleaning service once a week.

That frees you both up for time together, or time to finish your work so you can have time together later.

If she wants more cleaning done, she can help pay for it.



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26 Jun 2021, 9:07 am

If you both work 40+ hours, but she's doing the bulk of the upkeep of your home then I think that's not unreasonable. Like she's said, she's not your maid, plus she's coming home from work and doing more physical work VS you just going to school. If I was your partner I'd be frustrated that you weren't helping upkeep anything, too.


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DanielW
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26 Jun 2021, 9:09 am

If you give your girlfriend money to clean, she WIll be a maid. Is that what the two of you want?. If you can afford it, I'd look into a professional service.



IsabellaLinton
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26 Jun 2021, 9:12 am

HeroOfHyrule wrote:
If you both work 40+ hours, but she's doing the bulk of the upkeep of your home then I think that's not unreasonable. Like she's said, she's not your maid, plus she's coming home from work and doing more physical work VS you just going to school. If I was your partner I'd be frustrated that you weren't helping upkeep anything, too.


Brainiac works over 40 hours at her job, AND will be going to school - presumably to improve her qualifications and earn more money in the future. That in itself is a contribution to the relationship.

It seems her partner has more time for cleaning, so in my opinion cleaning can be HER contribution, to offset Brainiac being in school.

Just my opinion of course. I don't like the exchange of money for labour in a relationship.



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26 Jun 2021, 9:16 am

I can't be 100% sure, but in general I don't think she means it literally, probably this is just a hint to what she's doing is work you would pay for if it wasn't her doing it. I would not literally pay her, either start doing your part of chores or pay for cleaning service together as previously suggested.



HeroOfHyrule
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26 Jun 2021, 9:19 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
HeroOfHyrule wrote:
If you both work 40+ hours, but she's doing the bulk of the upkeep of your home then I think that's not unreasonable. Like she's said, she's not your maid, plus she's coming home from work and doing more physical work VS you just going to school. If I was your partner I'd be frustrated that you weren't helping upkeep anything, too.


Brainiac works over 40 hours at her job, AND will be going to school - presumably to improve her qualifications and earn more money in the future. That in itself is a contribution to the relationship.

It seems her partner has more time for cleaning, so in my opinion cleaning can be HER contribution, to offset Brainiac being in school.

Just my opinion of course. I don't like the exchange of money for labour in a relationship.

I don't think money should be exchanged, either, but I can imagine how doing all of the cleaning after a 40+ hour job can be irritating, even if your partner is going to school. To me cleaning isn't just a "contribution to a relationship", but a basic task of living that I expect people to at least chip in with.


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IsabellaLinton
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26 Jun 2021, 9:26 am

HeroOfHyrule wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
HeroOfHyrule wrote:
If you both work 40+ hours, but she's doing the bulk of the upkeep of your home then I think that's not unreasonable. Like she's said, she's not your maid, plus she's coming home from work and doing more physical work VS you just going to school. If I was your partner I'd be frustrated that you weren't helping upkeep anything, too.


Brainiac works over 40 hours at her job, AND will be going to school - presumably to improve her qualifications and earn more money in the future. That in itself is a contribution to the relationship.

It seems her partner has more time for cleaning, so in my opinion cleaning can be HER contribution, to offset Brainiac being in school.

Just my opinion of course. I don't like the exchange of money for labour in a relationship.

I don't think money should be exchanged, either, but I can imagine how doing all of the cleaning after a 40+ hour job can be irritating, even if your partner is going to school. To me cleaning isn't just a "contribution to a relationship", but a basic task of living that I expect people to at least chip in with.


True. I agree. Brainiac told us in other posts that her girlfriend wants her to pay several additional expenses in addition to 50/50, and that nothing is in writing to protect Brainiac financially if they break up. It seems there must be a better solution to this issue, than having Brainiac pay money yet again. This would allow the girlfriend to claim dependence on Brainiac, like a source of income.



Brainiac42
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26 Jun 2021, 4:21 pm

I appreciate all of the advice everyone. I decided that I am going to try and make time to clean around the house. I told her that I did not want to pay her, as I don’t want her to be a maid, and that I will start helping more. I took badRobot’s advice of her not meaning it literally. I still am not sure if she meant it literally or not... but she seemed happy with that response.

Sometimes she is very money oriented, and has a habit or theft and stealing in the past, and with what IsabellaLinton has said about her past relationships, I am thinking about things a little differently now. Not her, because I trust her and I’ve been with her for almost 7 years.. but I am now trying to be more aware or certain behaviors of hers when it comes to money.



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26 Jun 2021, 4:38 pm

She’s stole from you?