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Joe90
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01 Jul 2021, 9:58 am

The other night I went to the pub with my friend to meet some of her friends. All of a sudden a couple of her friends who I didn't know came along and then my friend disappeared.
I felt quite angry because I was abandoned even though I was with the others, so I texted her and asked where she went and why she went off like that without telling me. She said they'd gone to another bar and she was a little bit drunk so forgot to tell me.

Should I be annoyed and angry about this? I do feel hurt that she just left without me, as I was looking forward to being with her.


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Last edited by Joe90 on 01 Jul 2021, 10:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

Fnord
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01 Jul 2021, 9:59 am

Your friend did wrong.  Drunkenness is no excuse.

If she was sober enough to recognize her friends, then she was sober enough to remember you were with her.


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01 Jul 2021, 11:17 am

That does seem rude of her...did she even introduce you to the other friends?

But yeah its reasonable to feel angry and hurt about that.


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01 Jul 2021, 11:19 am

When people get drunk they do stupid things. Forgive her but be aware that drunk people and common sense do not mix.



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02 Jul 2021, 5:23 am

She did the wrong thing, but accidents happen. Unless she does stuff like this to you often, don't take it personally; it probably wasn't on purpose.



Joe90
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04 Jul 2021, 11:16 am

I must confess, I only wrote this thread as an experiment, comparing it to Jamesy's thread in the social skills and making friends section. It didn't really happen, I just wanted to see if the replies will be any different with the boot being on the other foot (the NT being the ''bad'' guy instead of the Aspie and seeing who the repliers here will side with).


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04 Jul 2021, 5:48 pm

I don't care if this didn't actually happen at all,
but if she does something like this to you, don't take it too harsh.


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05 Jul 2021, 10:48 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I must confess, I only wrote this thread as an experiment, comparing it to Jamesy's thread in the social skills and making friends section. It didn't really happen, I just wanted to see if the replies will be any different with the boot being on the other foot (the NT being the ''bad'' guy instead of the Aspie and seeing who the replies here will side with).
I hadn't been in Social Skills section in a long time until now. I read that post & replies as well as the replies here. Without really thinking about it, it does seem to be something of a double standard. However there are some other important differences to factor in besides the Aspie doing it to NTs & an NT doing it to an Aspie. One important thing to keep in mind is that James has a history of going to bars & being social with people there who are not really his friend. No offensive James. In that post he only stated that the people he was with 1st were regulars, he did NOT say that they were his friends. Joe if your post had said that the girl was a regular instead of saying she was a friend, I woulda been preparing to post a different reply here when I got to your 2nd post in this thread.


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Joe90
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06 Jul 2021, 3:06 pm

Double post, thanks to CAPTCHA.


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Last edited by Joe90 on 06 Jul 2021, 3:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Joe90
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06 Jul 2021, 3:07 pm

nick007 wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
I must confess, I only wrote this thread as an experiment, comparing it to Jamesy's thread in the social skills and making friends section. It didn't really happen, I just wanted to see if the replies will be any different with the boot being on the other foot (the NT being the ''bad'' guy instead of the Aspie and seeing who the replies here will side with).
I hadn't been in Social Skills section in a long time until now. I read that post & replies as well as the replies here. Without really thinking about it, it does seem to be something of a double standard. However there are some other important differences to factor in besides the Aspie doing it to NTs & an NT doing it to an Aspie. One important thing to keep in mind is that James has a history of going to bars & being social with people there who are not really his friend. No offensive James. In that post he only stated that the people he was with 1st were regulars, he did NOT say that they were his friends. Joe if your post had said that the girl was a regular instead of saying she was a friend, I woulda been preparing to post a different reply here when I got to your 2nd post in this thread.


I do see double standards going on here. If a member posts a situation they were in that made them upset or uncomfortable or whatever, most of the replies side with the NT, even if the NT was the one being a jerk.
It's like when I posted a thread ranting about a stranger with a baby sitting on the seat next to me on a mostly empty bus with more than plenty of available seats (and I was not sitting in any priority seats), and most of the people that replied in the thread were on her side. But if it were the other way around ("someone else was sitting in the exact seat I wanted to sit in, even though there were other available seats I still sat there next to them and they gave me funny looks or looked uncomfortable, why?") all the replies would be different, like "the hidden social rules on public transport is to not sit next to strangers unless for a reason like no other available seats or if you're disabled and you need to sit at the front, etc, so that person you sat next to probably wanted their own space, you can't always have what you want, sometimes you just have to pick another seat...."

I was going to do an experiment with this one but I think I might have given too much away now and anyway I don't think it's really allowed, as it might be a form of trolling.


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kraftiekortie
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06 Jul 2021, 7:50 pm

The difference....is that JamesY's "friends" probably weren't as good "friends" as your hypothetical friend. I could be wrong, but it seems like your friend was more of a "friend" than the guys JamesY were hanging out with.

They were just guys who hung out in the bar with each other. There was no obligation for JamesY to hang around with them, it seems to me.



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06 Jul 2021, 8:31 pm

This is NT bar behaviour 101

I don't know how close this friend is to you? but NTs bar hop and after a few drinks "my friends are your friends"

I don't think she mean't anything as in my experience if I complained to a friend who left me at a bar with his friends he'd think I was being clingy.



Joe90
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07 Jul 2021, 6:36 am

Ah, so if an NT does it it's OK because it's a pub crawl, it's what they do. But if an Aspie does it it's rude and inconsiderate and hurts the NT's feelings.


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cyberdad
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07 Jul 2021, 6:41 am

Joe90 wrote:
Ah, so if an NT does it it's OK because it's a pub crawl, it's what they do. But if an Aspie does it it's rude and inconsiderate and hurts the NT's feelings.


umm all I'm asking is whether you are sure she did this to hurt you?

In my experience inebriated NTs tend to forget whom they came with at the bar (she may have lost sight of you and decided to follow somebody else). It's happened to me a few times and I frankly didn't care (mostly because I know their drinking patterns).



kraftiekortie
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07 Jul 2021, 7:51 am

Whether NT or Aspie, or whatever......I don't believe it's a social faux pas for someone to leave a group of friends in a bar to go with another group of friends.

In JamesY's case, I believe those guys were just trying to screw with him.



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07 Jul 2021, 6:48 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Whether NT or Aspie, or whatever......I don't believe it's a social faux pas for someone to leave a group of friends in a bar to go with another group of friends


This is how NTs are when they are bar hopping with groups of friends. What the OP may not have considered is that NTs have a low threshold for individual loyalty when they are in groups, when they have drinks inside them and whoever is closest at the time they decide to move to the next bar.

The OP's relationship to this "friend" is also an unknown factor. In my experience people whom you go out for coffee or watch movies together will invariably behave differently in a group of drunken friends (but again it also depends on the closeness of the relationship).

It's a completely different matter when there is a catchup at a wine bar or local bar where it's just the two of you. Bar hopping is literally crazy and it takes some getting used to. I started doing this in my late teens and learned people are not that fickled as to whom they hang out with once they have liquor in their system. Complete strangers becoming drinking buddies overnight.

It sounds like maybe bar hopping isn't a great idea for people on the spectrum as there is an element of unpredictability and you need to be prepared to end up with complete group of strangers (just watch travel vloggers bar hop in an international destination) or to call it a night and catch a taxi/uber while you original friends you came with end up in completely different bars or hookup or whatever. Anything goes and its quite "bacchanalian". Anyway that's how it is in Australia.