Does this count as cheating?

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ironpony
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02 Jul 2021, 12:25 am

There is a woman I started dating and I think it's going really well and on the fifth date coming up now. Well I asked her if she was open to a relationship and she said in the future she may be, she just has a lot going on her life right now. I asked if she was seeing anyone else right now, and she said no, and I said well I don't feel like it either, and she said you can if you want, you do you.

But I got turned off when she said that, really turned off I think. Later on in the day, because she said you do you, I hooked up with another woman who wanted to but as we were in the process of hooking up I got turned on off and felt sick and regreted doing it and left. I just feel lousy now, like I cheated, even though she said we are not exclusive.

She said you do you, but was this a test and she didn't actually want me to see anyone else?



Brainiac42
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02 Jul 2021, 12:32 am

ironpony wrote:
There is a woman I started dating and I think it's going really well and on the fifth date coming up now. Well I asked her if she was open to a relationship and she said in the future she may be, she just has a lot going on her life right now. I asked if she was seeing anyone else right now, and she said no, and I said well I don't feel like it either, and she said you can if you want, you do you.

But I got turned off when she said that, really turned off I think. Later on in the day, because she said you do you, I hooked up with another woman who wanted to but as we were in the process of hooking up I got turned on off and felt sick and regreted doing it and left. I just feel lousy now, like I cheated, even though she said we are not exclusive.

She said you do you, but was this a test and she didn't actually want me to see anyone else?


It’s not cheating in my opinion. It’s her fault for saying that she wasn’t interested in a relationship right now. I believe people should not test others, they should be up front with them. If someone was testing me by saying that I would not want to be with them anyway.



ironpony
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02 Jul 2021, 12:35 am

But do you think she was testing me to say I want a relationship though?



Brainiac42
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02 Jul 2021, 12:41 am

ironpony wrote:
But do you think she was testing me to say I want a relationship though?


Based on what you said, her saying she doesn’t want a relationship right now leads me to believe that she just doesn’t want a relationship right now, and she can’t tell you not to see other people if you aren’t dating. If you’ve had 5 dates I’d say she probably likes you, I’d just take it slow and keep seeing her. If she really likes you then she will want a relationship when the time is right.

Don’t sweat seeing someone else though, you two aren’t officially together. You did nothing wrong, even if you wouldn’t have left it still wouldn’t have been wrong.



ironpony
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02 Jul 2021, 12:42 am

Oh okay, it's that it felt wrong for some reason.



Brainiac42
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02 Jul 2021, 12:49 am

ironpony wrote:
Oh okay, it's that it felt wrong for some reason.


Probably because you like her. Idk how you are but I’ve always been a serious relationship kind of person. I don’t want to do anything sexual unless I truly like the person, and if I have someone else on my mind it’s also a no go. I’ve been with and seriously dated only one person.



ironpony
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02 Jul 2021, 12:50 am

Yeah I want a serious relationship. Well how should I handle this then? If I didn't do anything wrong then I guess there is no obligation to tell her about it, even though I feel guilty about it?



envirozentinel
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02 Jul 2021, 1:00 am

You clearly care about her if you felt guilty about what happened. You take love seriously and aren't a cheat. I'd say, you just have to be patient as she seems to have feelings for you but is too involved with other stuff (studies, career etc?) to get in too deep and make a commitment yet. I guess it will be worth the wait! But keep in touch so she knows you're still interested.

No need to mention anything to her about it.


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Nades
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02 Jul 2021, 1:00 am

I noticed as aspies we seem to struggle a bit to find women really into guys. A lot of the people we find are pretty tepid when it comes to intimacy and in my eyes if fair to look for someone else while still waiting for someone like that to make their minds up.



ironpony
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02 Jul 2021, 1:07 am

envirozentinel wrote:
You clearly care about her if you felt guilty about what happened. You take love seriously and aren't a cheat. I'd say, you just have to be patient as she seems to have feelings for you but is too involved with other stuff (studies, career etc?) to get in too deep and make a commitment yet. I guess it will be worth the wait! But keep in touch so she knows you're still interested.

No need to mention anything to her about it.


Oh okay, but of course I am going to keep seeing her, if that's what you mean? Also, the reason she said she doesn't want a serious relationship right now, is because a few months ago, her previous relationship was an abusive one, and feels she needs to deal with the crazy things with that. But I guess I should have been thinking of that more, instead of being turned off by the 'you do you' line and retaliating with another woman because of it.

However, I just feel slu*ty because of it, but as long as I didn't do anything bad that I should tell her about.



envirozentinel
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02 Jul 2021, 1:23 am

No need to mention it but it's a good thing to feel guilty about it even though you what you did isn't really so wrong but was just a sort of retaliation on the spur of the moment and you had no feelings for the other girl. The fact that you felt guilty shows you have a conscience and that you're a person who values the feelings of others.

I can understand she has issues and that she will soon get to see that you're vastly different to the abusive guy she was previously involved with.


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ironpony
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02 Jul 2021, 1:34 am

envirozentinel wrote:
No need to mention it but it's a good thing to feel guilty about it even though you what you did isn't really so wrong but was just a sort of retaliation on the spur of the moment and you had no feelings for the other girl. The fact that you felt guilty shows you have a conscience and that you're a person who values the feelings of others.

I can understand she has issues and that she will soon get to see that you're vastly different to the abusive guy she was previously involved with.


Oh okay but if I feel guilty and have a conscience, then should I not own up to it, or have some sort of consequence, for it or no?



envirozentinel
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02 Jul 2021, 1:40 am

Don't bother, as you're not yet in a committed relationship with her (engaged etc). That other guy she was involved with wouldn't feel guilty about cheating even for a single moment. In fact he'd be proud of the "conquests" he makes. You're tons better than he is but I'd say, leave it be and don't hurt her feelings. Unless the other girl is a friend of hers who might let something slip.


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Shadow1888
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02 Jul 2021, 9:41 am

It isnt cheating but if you liked her that much i wouldnt have had sex with another woman straight after, that just shows your feelings for her wasnt as strong as you thought.



ironpony
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02 Jul 2021, 11:21 am

Oh okay, I thought it re-affirmed my feelings for her strong, since I got jealous and did in retaliation and then had to stop and feel guilty about it after.



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02 Jul 2021, 11:50 am

ironpony wrote:
Oh okay, I thought it re-affirmed my feelings for her strong, since I got jealous and did in retaliation and then had to stop and feel guilty about it after.

My apologies I misread the part were you hooked up with her, I thought you slept with this other woman.
But no If you stopped before anything happened then that is understandable as she was clearly on your mind at the time, and you possibly didnt want to jeopardize anything with her in the future, would i be right on that statement?