Should autists get married through 'trickery'?

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Is getting married worth it for autists?
Yes 30%  30%  [ 7 ]
No 22%  22%  [ 5 ]
Maybe 48%  48%  [ 11 ]
Total votes : 23

idntonkw
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06 Jul 2021, 4:30 am

Essentially, if autists make bad partners, and getting married requires misleading the other person, for them to eventually realize they feel lonely and unfulfilled with you.. is getting married worth it?



magz
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06 Jul 2021, 4:49 am

I'm married with no trickery involved.
I don't think I'm a bad parent, even if parenting can be very exhausting for me.


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Tim_Tex
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06 Jul 2021, 4:50 am

No


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The_Face_of_Boo
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06 Jul 2021, 4:52 am

Even in the NT-NT world, the one most common thing that a lot of NT women complain about is the usual men's lack of emotional expression (and attention) and their failure to fulfill their 'emotional needs'. This is a recurring common complain that I've heard literally hundreds of times perhaps from hundreds of women of different personality types in my lifetime so far.

So even a lot of NT men struggle to fulfill this one, let alone Aspie men.


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magz
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06 Jul 2021, 5:11 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Even in the NT-NT world, the one most common thing that a lot of NT women complain about is the usual men's lack of emotional expression (and attention) and their failure to fulfill their 'emotional needs'. This is a recurring common complain that I've heard literally hundreds of times perhaps from hundreds of women of different personality types in my lifetime so far.

So even a lot of NT men struggle to fulfill this one, let alone Aspie men.

I think it's the toxicity of "and they lived happily ever after" culture.
People (not just women) spoon-fed with Hollywood fairy tales often have totally unrealistic expectations about long-term relationships.


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06 Jul 2021, 5:37 am

I decided about two decades ago - long before I had been diagnosed - that I would make a very poor partner or husband, and that whoever I might be romantically interested in would be better off with someone else than me.

Looking back at how my life has turned out since then, I clearly made the right decision.

And I'm about as emotionally available as a blind, deaf and mute solipsist sitting in the bottom of an walled-up abandoned mineshaft in pitch black darkness meditating on the concept of silence.



magz
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06 Jul 2021, 6:23 am

No one should get married through trickery.
No one should get married to check some social expectation milestone or something.

If you've met the right person and you both want to spend the rest of your life together, it's the good reason to get married.


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06 Jul 2021, 5:13 pm

idntonkw wrote:
Essentially, if autists make bad partners, and getting married requires misleading the other person, for them to eventually realize they feel lonely and unfulfilled with you.. is getting married worth it?


I think your underlying premise is flawed.

From what I've observed, autists that are unaware of their nuero status and/or the difficulties they might bring to a relationship can be poor partners, but autists that have awareness are quite capable of working with their partners to find a balance that works for both individuals.

I have seen my son be extremely devoted to filling his girlfriend's needs. They communicate about every little detail; she knows better than to ever assume. They consider themselves too young to marry, which I think has been wise on their part, but he truly has been an excellent partner to her IMHO. There may be some things an autistic partner can never provide (an example might be the ability to take in clues and gift a perfect surprise), but not every partner needs those things. The right person and the right communication are huge.


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07 Jul 2021, 1:47 am

idntonkw wrote:
Essentially, if autists make bad partners, and getting married requires misleading the other person, for them to eventually realize they feel lonely and unfulfilled with you.. is getting married worth it?

I plan on getting married.I feel like i have no other choice to marry to fulfil certain things like relations.I dont plan on engaging in too much trickery to get married but some will be involved.I want to marry my soulmate and have kids.But I really just want to get kids to check a box to meet a requirement for leadership positions at church and to have kids of my own that i can leave my money to and for the family name to live and so i can have descendents of my own.I plan on telling my wife all my plans for our future together.I guess i just feel like I want to get married because of religious norms.For me marriage is worth it but for a lot of people in our situation it may not be worth it.Those are just my 2 cents.



funeralxempire
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07 Jul 2021, 1:52 am

Since being diagnosed I've always disclosed before becoming involved. :nerdy:


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DW_a_mom
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07 Jul 2021, 1:59 am

funeralxempire wrote:
Since being diagnosed I've always disclosed before becoming involved. :nerdy:


I think that is smart, personally.


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DW_a_mom
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07 Jul 2021, 2:04 am

Texasmoneyman300 wrote:
idntonkw wrote:
Essentially, if autists make bad partners, and getting married requires misleading the other person, for them to eventually realize they feel lonely and unfulfilled with you.. is getting married worth it?

I plan on getting married.I feel like i have no other choice to marry to fulfil certain things like relations.I dont plan on engaging in too much trickery to get married but some will be involved.I want to marry my soulmate and have kids.But I really just want to get kids to check a box to meet a requirement for leadership positions at church and to have kids of my own that i can leave my money to and for the family name to live and so i can have descendents of my own.I plan on telling my wife all my plans for our future together.I guess i just feel like I want to get married because of religious norms.For me marriage is worth it but for a lot of people in our situation it may not be worth it.Those are just my 2 cents.


I worry about what you've written. Your stated reasons for wanting children are not conducive to raising them well. Children deserve parents who love and care for them, and are willing to invest themselves in helping the children reach their potential. Parenting is hard work, and failure is easier than success. There is an old thread on the parenting board that can break your heart with all the negative experiences children from ASD parents have had. ASD individuals can also be great parents, but it is going to take a whole lot more awareness, understanding and care than I see in the things you post.

Don't start a marriage based in any shreds of trickery and don't have children unless you are committed to understanding and loving them as individuals.


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Texasmoneyman300
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07 Jul 2021, 2:53 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
Texasmoneyman300 wrote:
idntonkw wrote:
Essentially, if autists make bad partners, and getting married requires misleading the other person, for them to eventually realize they feel lonely and unfulfilled with you.. is getting married worth it?

I plan on getting married.I feel like i have no other choice to marry to fulfil certain things like relations.I dont plan on engaging in too much trickery to get married but some will be involved.I want to marry my soulmate and have kids.But I really just want to get kids to check a box to meet a requirement for leadership positions at church and to have kids of my own that i can leave my money to and for the family name to live and so i can have descendents of my own.I plan on telling my wife all my plans for our future together.I guess i just feel like I want to get married because of religious norms.For me marriage is worth it but for a lot of people in our situation it may not be worth it.Those are just my 2 cents.


I worry about what you've written. Your stated reasons for wanting children are not conducive to raising them well. Children deserve parents who love and care for them, and are willing to invest themselves in helping the children reach their potential. Parenting is hard work, and failure is easier than success. There is an old thread on the parenting board that can break your heart with all the negative experiences children from ASD parents have had. ASD individuals can also be great parents, but it is going to take a whole lot more awareness, understanding and care than I see in the things you post.

Don't start a marriage based in any shreds of trickery and don't have children unless you are committed to understanding and loving them as individuals.

Well I will certainly love and care for my kids and help them reach their potential but i will teach them to be realistic.I am going to love my kids but they will have to go by me and wife's rules as long as they live with us at all times.I can only imagine parenting is hard work.I just have to do what i have to do to prepare for divorce because it is so common.



magz
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07 Jul 2021, 3:05 am

^ Now I'm even more worried. Getting married expecting to divorce? I once read that there's a simpler way: find someone you hate and buy them a house :skull:

What if your children are not living by "your rules" when too young to leave? Very serious question.


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Texasmoneyman300
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07 Jul 2021, 3:17 am

magz wrote:
^ Now I'm even more worried. Getting married expecting to divorce? I once read that there's a simpler way: find someone you hate and buy them a house :skull:

What if your children are not living by "your rules" when too young to leave? Very serious question.

I live by the Boy Scout Motto "Always Be Prepared".I dont want it to happen but id say its highly possibly.The discipline for my children would depend on the age they are at the time.Its not just my rules my kids would have to live by.They would have to live by the church's rules.I have no other choice but marriage to fulfil certain needs in my life.



magz
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07 Jul 2021, 3:24 am

And what if your 13 year old starts declaring to be atheist and hate your church?

You seem to treat your potential spouse very instrumentally.


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