Is it my fault that people won't befriend me ?

Page 2 of 2 [ 24 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 20,764
Location: South-East England

13 Jul 2021, 12:27 pm

Fnord wrote:
To attract people, you must first be attractive to them.

To have friends, you must first be friendly.


I think due to fear of social rejection (like being told "we wasn't talking to you!" or "stop following me!"), some of us tend to take a back step around our peers (but still appear friendly) and see if they approach us first and how they approach us.

For example if I see two female colleagues chatting and I'm nearby, I'm never sure whether going up to them to join in will be wise or not. I fear that if I do go up to them they might look annoyed that I intruded on their conversation, but if I don't go up to them they might think that I'm unsociable. I suppose the best thing to do is to just call "hello!" but stay where you are and see what they do, but I'm not very good at calling out a greeting from a distance of more than about 15 feet because I find it hard to raise my voice with confidence and my voice just gets filtered out and they don't hear. And then I'll feel embarrassed for some reason.


_________________
Female
Aged 31
On antidepressants
Have ASD, ADHD and anxiety disorder
Empathy score: 61 out of a possible 80. (High)


ToughDiamond
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Age: 68
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,280

13 Jul 2021, 12:51 pm

^
Yes it can be quite difficult - too friendly and it's invasive, not friendly enough and it's aloof. And if you can't read body language etc. very well then it's hard to know where the happy medium is.

In my case I'm hardly ever proactive at all, but tend to be strong on reacting positively (without overdoing it) if anybody seems to make an overture towards me, assuming I'm interested in them in the first place - though even if I'm not particularly interested I like to keep an open mind and respond to them in a friendly way. I like to be courteous, and if they don't do courtesy then it's probably not going to work anyway. When I was working I was thrown together with other people quite a few times, very often one-on-one, and I found I was usually able to rub along with most of them, even though they were very different people to each other. In situations like that you have little choice but to interact and co-operate. When I had trouble getting on with somebody, I usually found that other people didn't like them either. Groups were usually more difficult, though sometimes they worked OK. As a rule I prefer to keep out of group situations.



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 20,764
Location: South-East England

13 Jul 2021, 2:15 pm

I've never been blissfully unaware of body language that tells you whether someone wants you around or not, it's just initiating those first impressions and having a social connection. When I was at school I knew full well that the other girls didn't want me around, without them having to say so, but I didn't want to be alone so I just stuck with them. I suppose it's just from being on a different wavelength to them.


_________________
Female
Aged 31
On antidepressants
Have ASD, ADHD and anxiety disorder
Empathy score: 61 out of a possible 80. (High)


ToughDiamond
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Age: 68
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,280

13 Jul 2021, 4:18 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I've never been blissfully unaware of body language that tells you whether someone wants you around or not, it's just initiating those first impressions and having a social connection. When I was at school I knew full well that the other girls didn't want me around, without them having to say so, but I didn't want to be alone so I just stuck with them. I suppose it's just from being on a different wavelength to them.

For some reason I never did that. I don't remember any such problem during my early years, no feeling of the other kids not wanting me around. I don't remember the kids in those days forming into any big groups, maybe 2 or 3 together, but I don't recall a sense of "the others" as one big group. I don't know if there was a big group that I didn't notice, or if the groupings were just smaller. But when I was about 10 years old there were times when I ended up wandering about alone, though I can't remember trying to tag along or how it happened that I was left rattling around on my own like that. I hated it, but for a time I didn't see a solution.

Later on I remember not being able to access any herd, but usually there were other outliers and somehow I always ended up pairing up with one of them. I suppose I've always been too proud or arrogant to make much effort with any group that doesn't seem to want me or to give me an equal role, so I guess I just noticed very quickly that it wasn't for me, labelled them as a bunch of jerks, and ignored them. I'm much like that now I suppose, except that the music airlifted me out of a lot of those issues, and although my gut reaction is that anybody who doesn't want me is a bit of a jerk, I usually think about it and figure that there's not necessarily anything wrong with them, just that we didn't hit it off because we didn't see any common likes.



chris1989
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

Joined: 2 Aug 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 411
Location: Kent, UK

14 Jul 2021, 6:52 am

Joe90 wrote:
Fnord wrote:
To attract people, you must first be attractive to them.

To have friends, you must first be friendly.


I think due to fear of social rejection (like being told "we wasn't talking to you!" or "stop following me!"), some of us tend to take a back step around our peers (but still appear friendly) and see if they approach us first and how they approach us.

For example if I see two female colleagues chatting and I'm nearby, I'm never sure whether going up to them to join in will be wise or not. I fear that if I do go up to them they might look annoyed that I intruded on their conversation, but if I don't go up to them they might think that I'm unsociable. I suppose the best thing to do is to just call "hello!" but stay where you are and see what they do, but I'm not very good at calling out a greeting from a distance of more than about 15 feet because I find it hard to raise my voice with confidence and my voice just gets filtered out and they don't hear. And then I'll feel embarrassed for some reason.


That is exactly what was happening with me during school, college and uni.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 77,127
Location: Queens, NYC

14 Jul 2021, 6:53 am

Are you back in the bookstore?



chris1989
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

Joined: 2 Aug 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 411
Location: Kent, UK

14 Jul 2021, 9:00 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Are you back in the bookstore?


Yeah I am



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 77,127
Location: Queens, NYC

14 Jul 2021, 10:05 am

That’s good.