Currently ghosting a friend for a while

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Summer_Twilight
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22 Jul 2021, 1:55 pm

This person would only seem to contact me whenever he was thinking of coming down to visit me in my city which would often "Fall through," most of the time.

Bottom line though, I don't have time for people who use me to play the role of the therapist because they are too proud to go and get help. So I get stuck with them dumping on me like that. Let alone, people who talk big but they aren't really serious about it. Instead, there is always some excuse and yet they complain about how the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Then to top it off, they do what they can to get attention. No thank you!

He also has the tendency to be really pushy to the point that it's uncomfortable. For example, he bossed me around this last time about what horror movies I should watch and I told him that I am not a fan but I like some. He told me "So you will watch this but you won't watch that. I had also tried to talk about what I liked but he kept bringing horror movies and shows up.

He also went into gruesome details of horror movies too which was too much. :roll:



Mona Pereth
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22 Jul 2021, 3:24 pm

TenMinutes wrote:
This person doesn't want to talk to me on the phone at all. I am limited to text, where they ghost me regularly, and when they do respond, it is with nothing that continues the conversation. Until they are looking for sympathy or validation, at which time they'll check their phone and see they haven't responded to my texts, and say they didn't see them, or could swear they responded...and then proceed with whatever it is they are looking to tell me.

I've tried pointing out that this looks like disinterest, but they swear it is not. They say they are just overwhelmed with life and can't get to all the texts. I have not even been able to hold conversation over shared interests. I think they have just overextended themselves with the number of people with whom they have claimed friendship but don't actually feel it. They've overextended by at least one...namely, me.

A lot of people are overextended this way. A lot of people have friends, including even close friends, with whom they are in only occasional contact.

There would be nothing wrong a friend with reaching out to you only occasionally, for sympathy/validation/advice/whatever, if only they would be willing to return the favor, to be there for you (at least within some reasonable amount of time, if not immediately) when you want sympathy/validation/advice/whatever.

TenMinutes wrote:
They've repeatedly shown me, sending me pictures and telling me directly, how awesomely they are doing socially with other people, and I've learned of other things that look to have gone awesomely for them, socially, and they did lie to me about growing up with few friends, so it has occurred to me that they might be being intentionally mean to me, for whatever reason, but I'm trying not to believe that. I have tried to think of how someone might more effectively tease me and I'm coming up empty.

Are they sending these pictures to you individually, or, say, to everyone on a newsletter list (if via email -- check the To and Cc lines), or to all their social media "friends" (if via social media)? In the latter case they aren't singling you out personally, of course.

Have you tried asking them not to send you these pictures? Have you tried telling them that you would prefer not to see these pictures because you find them depressing, given your own absence of a social life?

TenMinutes wrote:
There is a personality disorder with one feature being the person thinks of relationships as being more intimate than they actually are. If that's the explanation then I feel more charitable about the whole situation, but I cannot find enough information to determine if the feeling of friendship is even genuine, or if they know it isn't what they say it is.

Also, different people have different ideas about what friendship is and how to build a friendship. I'm under the impression that, for many people, especially for many women, giving and receiving sympathy and emotional validation is one of the main building blocks of friendship and starts at an early phase in the friendship. Other people prefer to build friendships primarily by interacting around common interests/hobbies and/or common goals, and then become emotionally intimate only later in the friendship, if at all.


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Mona Pereth
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22 Jul 2021, 3:53 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
This person would only seem to contact me whenever he was thinking of coming down to visit me in my city which would often "Fall through," most of the time.

It seems to me that a lot of people make tentative plans that "fall through" much of the time. A lot of people, especially those with busy lives, have a lot more things that they would like to do than they will ever have time to do in their entire lives. (Other people have the opposite problem of too much time on their hands, a problem I can't relate to at all.)

Perhaps your friend just has difficulties with time management, even if he isn't an especially busy person? A lot of autistic people, and people with other developmental disabilities, have difficulty with time management. If he's neurodivergent in any way, I would just chalk this up to executive functioning difficulties and not take it personally.

(I have time management difficulties myself.)

On the other hand, however ....

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Bottom line though, I don't have time for people who use me to play the role of the therapist because they are too proud to go and get help. So I get stuck with them dumping on me like that.

For many people, it seems, friendship is primarily about sympathy/validation. This can be problematic if it's one-way, e.g. the person does not reciprocate by listening sympathetically when the other person wants to let off steam about something. It can also be problematic if the person gossips. It can also be problematic in a friendship with a person who has a different concept of what a friendship is and should be.

Perhaps you and he have incompatible ideas of what a friendship is?

Have you ever written up your ideas on what a friendship is and should be?

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Let alone, people who talk big but they aren't really serious about it. Instead, there is always some excuse and yet they complain about how the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Then to top it off, they do what they can to get attention. No thank you!

He also has the tendency to be really pushy to the point that it's uncomfortable. For example, he bossed me around this last time about what horror movies I should watch and I told him that I am not a fan but I like some. He told me "So you will watch this but you won't watch that. I had also tried to talk about what I liked but he kept bringing horror movies and shows up.

He also went into gruesome details of horror movies too which was too much. :roll:

Ugh.... Sounds like he hasn't yet quite learned that not everyone has the same interests. Autistic people notoriously take longer than the average person to learn this, but most of us do learn it eventually, I would hope. Hopefully your friend will learn it soon?


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Summer_Twilight
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23 Jul 2021, 8:35 am

Mona, thanks for understanding and for your input regarding the time management thing. I don't think he's an evil person, he seems to be stuck in this belief that he's the victim in his family who uses him to take care of his disabled family members. This is instead of going to school overseas to study medicine, living like a king, etc. Again, the problem is that he does not want to start where he is at. Other than getting exercise at the Y, he doesn't hates living in that area and won't have anything to do with the town where he lives. He won't go out and get a job, he won't go to school in his area because they are not top of the line.

No, he does not gossip, he plays the sympathy and the victim card and often covets what other people have. As I said in the last post on The Haven, he spent gobs of time pointing out nice cars and nice places to live that he can't afford. He also talked about how it's not fair that his other friends are rich and how everything is paid for. Everytime, his conversations are the same. I am just tired of it.

When it comes to his dreams, he often jumps all over the place about what he wants to do. One minute he's homesicl for my city, the next he would rather live in Europe. The next, he wants to invest, get his pilot license, and go to school at exclusive university overseas.

Again, he lied to me to about some things thing

Mona, I am burned out because he takes me on a wild ride everytime we have gotten together



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23 Jul 2021, 8:45 am

Summer, for the sake of your own sanity, never respond to any of his messages again, even to tell him off.

For narcissists, attention -- even hostile attention -- is good.

They are like stray dogs in that if you feed them once, they will keep coming back looking to be fed again.


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Mona Pereth
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23 Jul 2021, 9:09 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Again, the problem is that he does not want to start where he is at. Other than getting exercise at the Y, he doesn't hates living in that area and won't have anything to do with the town where he lives. He won't go out and get a job, he won't go to school in his area because they are not top of the line.

Sounds like chronic depression, maybe?

Maybe he needs not just the therapist you've said he's too proud to see, but also a psychiatrist?

If you have the same impression, have you tried encouraging him to see a psychiatrist?

Also, is he developmentally disabled in any way, e.g. autistic?


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Summer_Twilight
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23 Jul 2021, 9:32 am

Yes, I think so too. Though I didn't tell him to see a psychiatrist, I told him that he may need to start meeting with a licensed therapist. He made excuses that that a therapist would not be good for him because it would just trigger his anger. I don't know if he is on the spectrum but I definitely think he has some sort of disability or other mental health issues. That being said, it sounds like he doesn't want to get help and there is something I can do. There is also not a lot that I can do regarding his grandiose ideas and not rigid views about not wanting to work towards any of those goals.

I love him as a friend but I don't think it's healthy for me to associate with for some of those reasons.



Last edited by Summer_Twilight on 23 Jul 2021, 9:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

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23 Jul 2021, 9:40 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
[...] it sounds like he doesn't want to get help and there is something I can do. There is also not a lot that I can do regarding his grandiose ideas and not rigid views about not wanting to work towards any of those goals. [...]
This seems familiar ... we had similar members here who disdained all advice and complained all the time, and who eventually got tired of being called out for it.


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23 Jul 2021, 9:48 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
That being said, it sounds like he doesn't want to get help and there is something I can do.

What does he think you can do?

Or did you mean to say there is nothing you can do?

Alas it does sound like all you can do is draw clear and firm boundaries with him, and then, if he refuses to honor your boundaries, stop talking to him, or at least greatly reduce the frequency with which you talk to him, if you don't want to cut him off altogether.

Do you and he have any common acquaintances? If so, how do they feel about him as far as you can tell? Is this situation likely to stir up drama in any of your circles of acquaintances?

Also, how old is he?


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Summer_Twilight
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23 Jul 2021, 9:58 am

Mona:

I am taking a break because this last time was just really draining and there is nothing I can't do means I am not in control of his choices. It's honestly really depressing to hear him complain all the time that his life is so bad.

No, he doesn't stir drama in my circle of friends. He just does this when we are alone. No, I have never met any of these friends that he always talks about knowing. He always seems to come and hang out with my friends and I.

He's 50 and I am almost 40.



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23 Jul 2021, 10:06 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
No, he doesn't stir drama in my circle of friends. He just does this when we are alone. ... He always seems to come and hang out with my friends and I.

What's he like when you see him together with your other friends?

And how often do you see him together with your other friends?


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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 23 Jul 2021, 11:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

Summer_Twilight
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23 Jul 2021, 10:18 am

Fnord wrote:
Summer, for the sake of your own sanity, never respond to any of his messages again, even to tell him off.

For narcissists, attention -- even hostile attention -- is good.

They are like stray dogs in that if you feed them once, they will keep coming back looking to be fed again.



Yes, I do think he has some covert narcissistic traits by the way he covets and seems to think he deserves to be a rock star collegiate. He never tried to gaslight me or undermine me in anyway. I did let him know that I want to take a break and made it clear that his behavior is not healthy. As I said, I asked him not to write me back but didn't listen. Still, I didn't read his message and deleted it. At the moment, I have him blocked from my phone and his number and messager in Fakebook.

Other than calling him on the carpet about his behavior and lying, I don't have any desire to talk to him.



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23 Jul 2021, 12:04 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
[...] He never tried to gaslight me or undermine me in anyway. [...]
Ahh ... but he has tried to manipulate you, has he not?  Guilt-Tripping is a form of manipulative gas-lighting used to undermine your resolve, and manipulation is a hallmark of Narcissistic (and Sociopathic) behavior.

Disclaimer: I speak from the perspective of one who survived 30+ years of manipulative behavior from Narcissistic alcoholics, drug addicts, and bipolar manic-depressives.  I am not an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health professional.


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Summer_Twilight
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23 Jul 2021, 12:18 pm

At the beginning of our relationship, I told him I like math and have become good at it and he wanted me to look at the mathematical models for this book that he has been trying to get published for years which never supposedly works out. Other than that, he hasn't guilt tripped me in any way.

Also, a covert narc, the traits are much more subtle.
1. They are very hard to spot as they appear to be very humble
2. Instead craving admiration, looking for sympathy is how they get their narcissistic supply
3. They quietly think they are better than everyone else and believe they deserve what other people have and then find someone to dump on behind the scenes
4. They gaslight by making an impression that their victims did something to offend them or play similar games
5. Once they get what they want or crave, they undermine their victims


Based on our conversations, he definitely thinks he's better than his family members. He's also right all the time and seems to think he knows it all. For example, his uncle, who he was taking care of, was hit by a truck due to wandering from his aunt's house in the middle as he had dementia, yet they didn't want to get up because they were tired. He claims it was a "Wrongful death."

He also said he was fired from a university for using the F word while trying to do the "Right thing." Yet, he believes hos boss overreacted. He didn't want to work in a lab setting anyway. He wanted to work for the political science department.

As I said, he is always dumping on me about how nice something is like a house or a car that he will never be able to have. He also whines about how how friends have everything paid off and are very successful but not him.