Currently ghosting a friend for a while

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Summer_Twilight
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20 Jul 2021, 12:30 pm

I recently wrote about being frustrated with a friend of mine in the haven a few weeks ago after getting together for the 4th. To briefly recap, all he did was dump on me about how his life is so bad for him, make excuses and lie to me about other things. Because of this, I felt drained next to losing my trust with this man. So I decided not to contact him for a while. That also mean ghosting him for a while. In fact, he called me on left a message on Sunday night and messaged me on Facebook last night but I am not going to respond to him.



Last edited by Summer_Twilight on 20 Jul 2021, 12:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Fnord
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20 Jul 2021, 12:33 pm

Good for you!

:thumleft:


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Summer_Twilight
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20 Jul 2021, 1:07 pm

Fnord wrote:
Good for you!

:thumleft:


Thanks Fnord. I love this person but as I said in The Haven I am not responsible for his happiness. Along with his desires to play the sympathy and victim cards, I have to realize the man is self-centered next to just plain arrogant.

For example, he keeps talking about wanting to go to a top college and study and especially overseas. Yet, there are two universities in the area where I feel he could build up college credit and then do an abroad program overseas. Yet in his eyes, those colleges are not good enough for him. Why?Because they are in this town that he hates.

As I said, he makes no effort to pull himself by his bootstraps. Instead, it sounds like he sits at his late uncle's house and watches horror movies all the day. He even tried to push me to watch them next to going into gruesome details. :lol:

I have lost my interest



Mountain Goat
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20 Jul 2021, 1:16 pm

You are dressing up as a ghost and scaring him? "Ooooooo!"



Summer_Twilight
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20 Jul 2021, 1:28 pm

:lol: Good one but for those who don't know what ghosting means, it means that friend stops all communications, all connections, and all activities that go on on in a friendship. It means that I completely disappear from his life.

Anyway, though I dropped a hint that it might be better for him to consult a counselor, I feel like I don't owe him any type of explanation. What I do know is that I need space to take care of myself for a while. I don't have time for his pity parties.



Last edited by Summer_Twilight on 20 Jul 2021, 2:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Mountain Goat
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20 Jul 2021, 1:31 pm

Did I spell the sound that ghosts make right? I can't remember how many "O's" it has.


Ah. That kind of ghosting you mean? Ah. Ok.... :D



Summer_Twilight
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20 Jul 2021, 2:19 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:
Did I spell the sound that ghosts make right? I can't remember how many "O's" it has.


Ah. That kind of ghosting you mean? Ah. Ok.... :D


As I said, he does like horror films so the joke fits. Anyway, I really felt sorry for him for many years but the last two times I saw him in person, I noticed that

1. He could not keep his stories straight
2. He kept telling he was good at math but when I asked him he said "Um.. well I am not at it."
3. What I talked about in The Haven

I kept denying myself because he was such a nice person



Mona Pereth
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20 Jul 2021, 8:26 pm

When you say you'll be ghosting him for "a while," how long is "a while"?

Have you voiced to him the issues you have with his behavior and attitudes? Have you confronted him about the things he has said that turned out to be lies?


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21 Jul 2021, 5:47 am

There is someone in my life I only hear from when they are seeking validation or sympathy. More than one, actually, but only one who pretends otherwise. It's frustrating, as I don't want to be the one to end it, as there is trauma in their life that I don't want to add to.



Mona Pereth
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21 Jul 2021, 6:45 am

TenMinutes wrote:
There is someone in my life I only hear from when they are seeking validation or sympathy. More than one, actually, but only one who pretends otherwise.

What happens when you are the one to contact them with something you want to talk about? Do they listen?

Many autistic people (and some other people) just don't have enough "spoons" to keep up with what most people would consider to be normal social obligations. Hence they contact other people only when they feel a need to.

I personally don't have an issue with someone who contacts me only when they want something, as long as they are willing to return the favor when I'm the one who contacts them.


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TenMinutes
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21 Jul 2021, 6:55 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
TenMinutes wrote:
There is someone in my life I only hear from when they are seeking validation or sympathy. More than one, actually, but only one who pretends otherwise.

What happens when you are the one to contact them with something you want to talk about? Do they listen?


Not really. I am "benched". That is, they keep me around in case they need me, but I am a third-string friend. When I eventually get a response it is low-effort and does nothing to continue the conversation. Just responds to what I said. When I have asked for support, I've had to immediately turn it around and give support. And in my current circumstance, there hasn't even been curiosity about how I'm doing.



Summer_Twilight
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21 Jul 2021, 7:30 am

[Edited]


Mona:

At this point, I don’t know how long I am ghost him because the last time was really draining and I am tired of his crap.
As I said, it's all about him and how he's the victim who never got get ahead in life because his family supposedly dumps every responsibility on him. How he wants a nicer car, nicer house, higher education at a top college ,but always makes excuses about why he can never get ahead. "I just have too much going on." When we have gotten together, he hardly ever asks about me. Instead I feel like he used me as his counselor.

In regards to confronting him, I sent him private message the day after the last time we were together. I told him that that while I understand that he was frustrated with everything but that I am not a licensed therapist and it might.

I took your advice and called him out on his lying and other things. I also told him that I want to take a break but I am not feeling good at the moment. Still, I feel better telling the truth



Mona Pereth
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21 Jul 2021, 11:25 am

TenMinutes wrote:
Not really. I am "benched". That is, they keep me around in case they need me, but I am a third-string friend. When I eventually get a response it is low-effort and does nothing to continue the conversation. Just responds to what I said. When I have asked for support, I've had to immediately turn it around and give support. And in my current circumstance, there hasn't even been curiosity about how I'm doing.

Does this happen regardless of the communication medium?

Some people are more capable of carrying on a two-sided conversation via text than in-person or on the phone; other people are more capable of a two-sided conversation on the phone than via text or in-person; and still others are most capable of it in person, or via Zoom chat.

If the person has shown no interest in a two-sided conversation in any medium, have you tried telling the person how you feel about the one-sidedness of the friendship?


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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 21 Jul 2021, 11:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

Mona Pereth
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21 Jul 2021, 11:29 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
[In regards to confronting him, I sent him private message the day after the last time we were together. I told him that that while I understand that he was frustrated with everything but that I am not a licensed therapist and it might.

"... and it might" what? Are there some words you left out here?

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I took your advice and called him out on his lying and other things. I also told him that I want to take a break but I am not feeling good at the moment. Still, I feel better telling the truth

Are you saying you called him out on it just now?

If so, that's much better than just ghosting him, in my opinion. At least he knows you're taking a break and why.

If what you mean is that you called him out on it earlier, not just now, then perhaps, as soon as you feel able, you could just send him a brief note reminding him of what you said previously.


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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 21 Jul 2021, 12:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Summer_Twilight
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21 Jul 2021, 11:35 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
[In regards to confronting him, I sent him private message the day after the last time we were together. I told him that that while I understand that he was frustrated with everything but that I am not a licensed therapist and it might.

"... and it might" what? Are there some words you left out here?

I did some editing but forgot to take out the part,he might get defensive

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I took your advice and called him out on his lying and other things. I also told him that I want to take a break but I am not feeling good at the moment. Still, I feel better telling the truth

Are you saying you called him just now?



If so, that's much better than just ghosting him.


I let him know that I want to take a break from our friendship because I felt like he used me to dump his problems on me to the point of having a pity party. I also said that I felt like everything was about him and he was never interested in what I am doing with my life. Finally, I told him that I felt like he lied to me about some things and that I can't trust him.

As sad as I am, I think I can put this situation and relationship behind me now because it's not worth it for me to feel drained every time we get together. I am also getting to a place where I want to distance myself from people who complain all the time and make it about them,.



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22 Jul 2021, 10:28 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
TenMinutes wrote:
Not really. I am "benched". That is, they keep me around in case they need me, but I am a third-string friend. When I eventually get a response it is low-effort and does nothing to continue the conversation. Just responds to what I said. When I have asked for support, I've had to immediately turn it around and give support. And in my current circumstance, there hasn't even been curiosity about how I'm doing.

Does this happen regardless of the communication medium?

Some people are more capable of carrying on a two-sided conversation via text than in-person or on the phone; other people are more capable of a two-sided conversation on the phone than via text or in-person; and still others are most capable of it in person, or via Zoom chat.

If the person has shown no interest in a two-sided conversation in any medium, have you tried telling the person how you feel about the one-sidedness of the friendship?


This person doesn't want to talk to me on the phone at all. I am limited to text, where they ghost me regularly, and when they do respond, it is with nothing that continues the conversation. Until they are looking for sympathy or validation, at which time they'll check their phone and see they haven't responded to my texts, and say they didn't see them, or could swear they responded...and then proceed with whatever it is they are looking to tell me.

I've tried pointing out that this looks like disinterest, but they swear it is not. They say they are just overwhelmed with life and can't get to all the texts. I have not even been able to hold conversation over shared interests. I think they have just overextended themselves with the number of people with whom they have claimed friendship but don't actually feel it. They've overextended by at least one...namely, me.

They've repeatedly shown me, sending me pictures and telling me directly, how awesomely they are doing socially with other people, and I've learned of other things that look to have gone awesomely for them, socially, and they did lie to me about growing up with few friends, so it has occurred to me that they might be being intentionally mean to me, for whatever reason, but I'm trying not to believe that. I have tried to think of how someone might more effectively tease me and I'm coming up empty.

There is a personality disorder with one feature being the person thinks of relationships as being more intimate than they actually are. If that's the explanation then I feel more charitable about the whole situation, but I cannot find enough information to determine if the feeling of friendship is even genuine, or if they know it isn't what they say it is. And, it is not my place to bring it up, so I'm not confident it has come up in their therapy. There is unhappiness in their life, if that part is genuine, so I'd like them, their parents and their therapist to have all the information, but it is not my place to mention it. Very frustrating.