Just had a horrible meltdown at the library

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Joined: 2 Jul 2011
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,226

03 Aug 2021, 9:20 pm

Im so f*****g pissed.

Im so f*****g pissed off at my brain's f*****g inability to read books properly, which doesn't happen all the time but intermittently and today was one of those moments

No I dont have dyslexia (I think) but I definitely have intermittent dyslexic symptoms which are heavily modulated by how I feel, emotional state, etc. which is a pain in the ass for someone who wants to damn learn and not be a dumbass

I chose to open up F Scott Fitzgerald's book "This Side of Paradise" and my dumb ass could barely read a few sentences without my brain malfunctioning and my head getting disoriented unable to follow the words

No my comprehension of higher language is perfect, but the f*****g nerves in brain responsible for reading seem to have a hard time working from time to time and I ended up blowing up outside the library (luckily parking lot was practically empty since it was closing time)

I hate this brain of mine that can't read properly and more often than not has a hard time focusing on words. f**k, many times my brain feels like there's a lot of noise and fog and confusion without anything

And I'm not going to lie and say this is injury related because its not. injury made it worse, but since I was a child my brain always struggled to read properly and was prone to buying books from Barnes and Noble and other book shops and never finishing them

in my entire life despite having a massive library of books ive only ever finished a handful of books cover to cover

even online sometimes I struggle to read the damn threads here

I feel so damn isolated from the world of information and knowledge

I dont want to be some dumb brainless muscle head

I want to be a well read erudite flaneur, someone who samples learning and is a book afficiando

I hate my brain for not reading properly

And I refuse audiobooks out of pride

Reading nonverbally is the most rewarding exercise for the brain and I refuse to accept a lesser status as illiterate

EDIT: I apologize for the strong language but this is causing me super bad depression

In a complex world of symbol based nonverbal communication and with a higher premium of brains that can access and synthesize information mostly available for parsing through reading, brains like mine which struggle to sit still and look at books feel disadvantaged and unfairly barred from the game of life

I want so bad to fix my brain

I was told I have "Irlen Syndrome" and was given special filtered lens to help me

I wanted to be believe they helped

I want to so bad

however even while wearing them today my brain was having a hard time reading until I finally lost it and put them away feeling like they aren't helping

"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it."

Master Oogway


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Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 16,141
Location: Aux Arcs

03 Aug 2021, 9:37 pm

When I had severe depression it effected my ability to read.Sylvia Plath mentions the same problem in her book ,The Bell Jar.
I’m sorry this is happening to you.I wish I had more to offer other than support.

I am the dust that dances in the light. - Rumi


Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Posts: 5,785

04 Aug 2021, 1:18 pm

Sounds like you have a combination of ADHD and dyslexia. No biggie. Lots of people do.

A finger in every pie.