Difficulties in going from a relationship to single life

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aspieprincess123
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13 Sep 2021, 11:31 am

Hello there I have recently become single due to my fault and I have moved back to my parents house as I had no name on my partners house and he paid all the household bills though he has given me the entire savings account which was 15k in British pounds so I have decent savings.

What I think i'm going to struggle with is learning how to maintain and manage a place to live as I never lived independently on my own.

I have little to no real handle of how to manage finances with my partner he paid all the bills as he easily earned double of what I was making so my wage of 1.3k monthly was mine to spend and I'm shocked at how much I have outgoing.

Even the task of managing housework and keeping a tidy and maintained house is gonna be a struggle as i'm used to him doing the hard stuff like cook meals and such. Gonna regret been dependant on people for everything.

Don't help when my mum said I was so stupid for ruining things and i'll have no luck getting another relationship as good as I had it.



kuze
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14 Sep 2021, 10:52 am

Hi

I read your stuff on 'I knew it' as well as this post and a question occurred in my head about your situation. What caused you to enact infidelity in your last relationship? I'm no psychologist, however I read some stuff recently that said a persons ability to form trust in a relationship is directly related to the way they interpreted the behaviour of their parents when growing up. In other words, the way your parents behaved may have had a bearing on your ability to maintain a trusting relationship. One example could be a direct observation of infidelity in either of ones parents, or an observed lack of trust between them. We tend to go through traumatic experiences caused by our parents, however mild or severe, we may subconsciously choose to either conform or rebel their behaviour in future years.

Here is a link to a short bite sized blog you may find interesting
https://xandoblogs.com/how-your-parents ... ior-model/

kuze


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EnglishInvader
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15 Sep 2021, 5:22 am

^I don't think it's clear that the OP wanted to share information about her relationship on this forum. Just because someone chooses to share information on one forum it doesn't mean they want it shared by another person on another forum. And this is very sensitive information that many people are prone to form judgements about which doesn't help the OP.

Ultimately, it takes two to make a relationship fail and it's not easy going back to your parents after having had a taste of independent life and your mother making judgements and saying "You'll never have it that good again" is just horrible. All I can say is to focus on doing the right things (focus on your job, get your affairs in order, maybe do some cooking and housework around your parents home) and eventually things will pick up in one way or another.

A financial come down isn't nice either but it can have the advantage of teaching you how to get more out of less and, in time, you may actually find that you are doing a lot more with your money than you were before because you've learned some initiative.

From the sounds of things, your parents have failed to prepare you for the demands of adult life (which is a good one coming from me if you've seen my recent thread about hoarding!) so at least some of the responsibility belongs there.

My father has always said "He who never makes a mistake never learns anything". Think of this situation as a beginning instead of an ending and, in time, you'll probably wonder what you saw in a relationship where the other person had all the control.



kuze
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15 Sep 2021, 5:59 am

Thank you for your authoritarian response.


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aspieprincess123
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15 Sep 2021, 8:11 am

It's ok I'm a believer that if I placed it on a forum even on another topic it's public info.

I agree my problem is that my parents never taught me how to be independent even as an adult they were cooking my teas, making packed lunches, washing and ironing my clothes. They even managed my finances and would ensure bills were paid and dolled out weekly pocket money so I didn't even get a realistic view of how to many money. I would get paid and every week my cash card account would have a set amount in and that was what I had to spend.

When I decided to move out with my ex it was a total shock to the system as I got total freedom but no idea how to handle it so I racked up 2k of debt within 2 months I also had no idea how to cook meals, iron, use a washing machine tidy a house.

My ex was taught these skills from 13 upwards so and also lived out at Uni and his mum and dad going on holiday.

There is no excuse for what I did even if he cheated on me which he didn't and was honest to say he had conflicted feelings I was in the wrong for bringing his dead daughter into the argument.

My parents are loving and had no affairs if anything they were too loving by not allowing me to learn life skills.

I had hoped some distance apart but we both came to the conclusion the love he had for me was gone and while I loved him I knew I could never go back to normal so we both made it a point and I did what he did was remove traces of us together on social media.

Does hurt when my parents say I threw away the best thing ever in my life I know it's true but I didn't need them to remind me.

Well been looking for flats and in the process of sorting my finances so should be all squared away in a month i'll be ready to move.



kuze
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15 Sep 2021, 5:33 pm

aspieprincess123 wrote:

When I decided to move out with my ex it was a total shock to the system as I got total freedom but no idea how to handle it so I racked up 2k of debt within 2 months I also had no idea how to cook meals, iron, use a washing machine tidy a house.


Learning to cook is a massively important life skill. The internet is ok for recipes but a good cooking book is way better. May be a good idea to invest in one, maybe ask your folks or a good cook you know to recommend one.

One of the best ways of building trust in a relationship is to put in half the work when living with someone. Cooking is one one of the best ways to achieve this. Giving your other half a night off the pots and pans can pay dividends. My partner is the main cook but I am chef at least 2 nights a week. Besides, when I cook for my partner it feels very satisfying to watch someone I love enjoying something I created.

You say you can barely look after yourself and you just lost a decent guy. I think this is a great opportunity to turn a new corner in your life. There are so many great things you can do to get yourself walking tall again. Write down each skill you need to learn then attempt to learn each one within a reasonable time frame. There is financial management in the home and domestic cleaning etc but I would start with cooking. Before you know it you'll ready to take on the world and bag yourself a new man.

kuze


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aspieprincess123
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18 Sep 2021, 9:20 am

kuze wrote:
aspieprincess123 wrote:

When I decided to move out with my ex it was a total shock to the system as I got total freedom but no idea how to handle it so I racked up 2k of debt within 2 months I also had no idea how to cook meals, iron, use a washing machine tidy a house.


Learning to cook is a massively important life skill. The internet is ok for recipes but a good cooking book is way better. May be a good idea to invest in one, maybe ask your folks or a good cook you know to recommend one.

One of the best ways of building trust in a relationship is to put in half the work when living with someone. Cooking is one one of the best ways to achieve this. Giving your other half a night off the pots and pans can pay dividends. My partner is the main cook but I am chef at least 2 nights a week. Besides, when I cook for my partner it feels very satisfying to watch someone I love enjoying something I created.

You say you can barely look after yourself and you just lost a decent guy. I think this is a great opportunity to turn a new corner in your life. There are so many great things you can do to get yourself walking tall again. Write down each skill you need to learn then attempt to learn each one within a reasonable time frame. There is financial management in the home and domestic cleaning etc but I would start with cooking. Before you know it you'll ready to take on the world and bag yourself a new man.

kuze


Good ideas and I'm already starting to cook my own teas to learn.

I did learn some stuff when I moved in with my partner as he taught me though I think financial management is gonna be hard as I always get mixed up numbers wise my partner used a Excel spreadsheet he's been nice to send me a copy of it so I can use the same sheet.

My parents are already trying to discourage me from moving out even suggesting I use the 15k I have saved to give it to them and they will convert the attached garage into a liveable annex which means they could continue to keep an eye on me but would mean I have little independence.

At least me and the ex are on talking terms which helps as we live in the same village and I saw him last night buying baby stuff for my former friend though we patched things up.

They both said they are not dating he's just helping her grab some stuff as she's been struggling been a single mum.