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Crystal1414
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04 Oct 2021, 2:32 pm

Some people in my life think it's cool and quirky to see reality differently. No, it's scary and confusing and I feel shame. I have done things I regret very much. I have had to text crisis lines with tears streaming down my face. I have to take medications that I'm scared to take. I cant even bring myself to do what I need to do sometimes.

I have been nonverbal before and it's not good. I just stop being able to say what I need to say. I have had moments where I cannot move because of fear. I have had moments where I cant comprehend what is going on around me. I have moments where every conversation is just words being said around me.

I have had moments where I just dont care about certain things and I pee myself. I have had moments where I poop myself too. It's because I get so preoccupied with other stuff.

I constantly feel like I'm a burden for my family even though they say that I'm not. I feel embarrassed to be so dependent on them. I will probably never live on my own. I have a diagnosis of Schizophrenia. I'm not depressed currently. I'm just so overwhelmed by my symptoms currently. And I saw some stuff online that made me feel weird, people glamorizing mental illness



funeralxempire
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04 Oct 2021, 4:12 pm

*hugs*

People who glamorize disabling conditions generally haven't dealt with them severely enough to understand why they offend so many people who suffer more severely.

It's complicated with stuff that varies in intensity, especially if it impacts one's judgment. Someone who's in a spell so to speak might think everything is going better than great and not realize that what they're doing in that moment might end up feeling regrettable once their perspective changes and comes back down to earth.

In that moment they only are aware of the positives of their state so they might want to brag about how it's impacting them, it's only in hindsight they'll realize how badly dysfunctional they were during that period.

It frustrates me but I also try to not judge too strongly since that person just might not be in a state where they can understand the criticism and once that changes they might agree with it and not even need to hear it from someone else, their own mind will repeat it endlessly as they wallow in guilt and remorse.


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Crystal1414
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04 Oct 2021, 9:04 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
*hugs*

People who glamorize disabling conditions generally haven't dealt with them severely enough to understand why they offend so many people who suffer more severely.

It's complicated with stuff that varies in intensity, especially if it impacts one's judgment. Someone who's in a spell so to speak might think everything is going better than great and not realize that what they're doing in that moment might end up feeling regrettable once their perspective changes and comes back down to earth.

In that moment they only are aware of the positives of their state so they might want to brag about how it's impacting them, it's only in hindsight they'll realize how badly dysfunctional they were during that period.

It frustrates me but I also try to not judge too strongly since that person just might not be in a state where they can understand the criticism and once that changes they might agree with it and not even need to hear it from someone else, their own mind will repeat it endlessly as they wallow in guilt and remorse.


Yeah, if they are glamorizing it they probably dont understand it fully.

Yeah, I have done that before, bragged but I felt horrible about it after. My friends have started using terms like "psychotic" when they describe stuff. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I feel uncomfortable a lot.



1986
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04 Oct 2021, 11:17 pm

True 'dat. There is nothing good about psychotic illnesses. Unless you're lucky to be of the minority that recovers, it will keep eating away at you, more or less intensely, for decades to come.

Focus on the help that's available, notably the meds. If it helps, it's been almost fifteen years since I got the first symptoms of psychosis and I'm able to somewhat function now, thanks to antipsychotics and helpful people around me. You don't need to be scared of the meds. Once you've been on them long enough to see some better days, you'll realize that they -- although not perfect -- make your life better.

I had to temporarily double my dose this month, because of some intense events in my family. Starting to find more stable ground now. The best way is to have an open dialogue with your doc. Try to trust him/her, psychotic illnesses are well-known and it's the people who stick to their treatment regimen who usually have the best chances of recovery.



Crystal1414
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05 Oct 2021, 11:53 am

1986 wrote:
True 'dat. There is nothing good about psychotic illnesses. Unless you're lucky to be of the minority that recovers, it will keep eating away at you, more or less intensely, for decades to come.

Focus on the help that's available, notably the meds. If it helps, it's been almost fifteen years since I got the first symptoms of psychosis and I'm able to somewhat function now, thanks to antipsychotics and helpful people around me. You don't need to be scared of the meds. Once you've been on them long enough to see some better days, you'll realize that they -- although not perfect -- make your life better.

I had to temporarily double my dose this month, because of some intense events in my family. Starting to find more stable ground now. The best way is to have an open dialogue with your doc. Try to trust him/her, psychotic illnesses are well-known and it's the people who stick to their treatment regimen who usually have the best chances of recovery.


Yeah. Its disorienting and confusing to be honest. I'm working on getting better but it's hard to stay on meds sometimes.

They really do help me to feel more content and to be aware of certain things. I'm more aware of paranoia now. Hallucinations are harder to manage because I tend to forget them for some reason, so I don't always explain them. I sometimes believe that I'm seeing things I'm not meant to see and then I feel like those things get erased from my memory on purpose. The scariest thing I went through is thinking I was someone else and feeling really confused while pretending to know what I was doing. I tend to have delusions of possession for some reason. Like I think I'm a vessel for Angels. It's a bizarre feeling. It tends to get worse with alcohol for some reason, so I try not to drink very often.

I'm glad to hear that you are becoming more stable. It really sucks when stuff isnt stable in my experience. I'm going to be very open with my doctor at my appointment. Even though it's scary.



funeralxempire
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05 Oct 2021, 11:58 am

Crystal1414 wrote:
1986 wrote:
True 'dat. There is nothing good about psychotic illnesses. Unless you're lucky to be of the minority that recovers, it will keep eating away at you, more or less intensely, for decades to come.

Focus on the help that's available, notably the meds. If it helps, it's been almost fifteen years since I got the first symptoms of psychosis and I'm able to somewhat function now, thanks to antipsychotics and helpful people around me. You don't need to be scared of the meds. Once you've been on them long enough to see some better days, you'll realize that they -- although not perfect -- make your life better.

I had to temporarily double my dose this month, because of some intense events in my family. Starting to find more stable ground now. The best way is to have an open dialogue with your doc. Try to trust him/her, psychotic illnesses are well-known and it's the people who stick to their treatment regimen who usually have the best chances of recovery.


Yeah. Its disorienting and confusing to be honest. I'm working on getting better but it's hard to stay on meds sometimes.

They really do help me to feel more content and to be aware of certain things. I'm more aware of paranoia now. Hallucinations are harder to manage because I tend to forget them for some reason, so I don't always explain them. I sometimes believe that I'm seeing things I'm not meant to see and then I feel like those things get erased from my memory on purpose. The scariest thing I went through is thinking I was someone else and feeling really confused while pretending to know what I was doing. I tend to have delusions of possession for some reason. Like I think I'm a vessel for Angels. It's a bizarre feeling. It tends to get worse with alcohol for some reason, so I try not to drink very often.

I'm glad to hear that you are becoming more stable. It really sucks when stuff isnt stable in my experience. I'm going to be very open with my doctor at my appointment. Even though it's scary.


You're a really brave woman. I know how hard it can be to discuss how your experience differs from most other folks, especially if you've had a lot of people dismiss or invalidate what you say. I hope your appointment goes well.


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Crystal1414
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Joined: 25 Aug 2020
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05 Oct 2021, 1:08 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
Crystal1414 wrote:
1986 wrote:
True 'dat. There is nothing good about psychotic illnesses. Unless you're lucky to be of the minority that recovers, it will keep eating away at you, more or less intensely, for decades to come.

Focus on the help that's available, notably the meds. If it helps, it's been almost fifteen years since I got the first symptoms of psychosis and I'm able to somewhat function now, thanks to antipsychotics and helpful people around me. You don't need to be scared of the meds. Once you've been on them long enough to see some better days, you'll realize that they -- although not perfect -- make your life better.

I had to temporarily double my dose this month, because of some intense events in my family. Starting to find more stable ground now. The best way is to have an open dialogue with your doc. Try to trust him/her, psychotic illnesses are well-known and it's the people who stick to their treatment regimen who usually have the best chances of recovery.


Yeah. Its disorienting and confusing to be honest. I'm working on getting better but it's hard to stay on meds sometimes.

They really do help me to feel more content and to be aware of certain things. I'm more aware of paranoia now. Hallucinations are harder to manage because I tend to forget them for some reason, so I don't always explain them. I sometimes believe that I'm seeing things I'm not meant to see and then I feel like those things get erased from my memory on purpose. The scariest thing I went through is thinking I was someone else and feeling really confused while pretending to know what I was doing. I tend to have delusions of possession for some reason. Like I think I'm a vessel for Angels. It's a bizarre feeling. It tends to get worse with alcohol for some reason, so I try not to drink very often.

I'm glad to hear that you are becoming more stable. It really sucks when stuff isnt stable in my experience. I'm going to be very open with my doctor at my appointment. Even though it's scary.


You're a really brave woman. I know how hard it can be to discuss how your experience differs from most other folks, especially if you've had a lot of people dismiss or invalidate what you say. I hope your appointment goes well.


Thank you. Yeah it's hard honestly. I feel self conscious sometimes. I have had to deal with a lot of invalidation. People think they can talk me into being "normal" and not "crazy". I usually just leave when that happens. My own family members have sat me down and done that. They literally told me to get my head out of the sand. Other family members have not been very compassionate, they use terms like "effing psychotic" "crazy" "kooky" and "spaz". Its honestly the worst, knowing that they talk like that. That's my aunt and uncle. They feel uncomfortable around me and I hate it. I have to see them though, if I want to hang out with my cousins. My cousins are nice but they do love to tease. I'm definitely nervous about my appointment. I'm scared I wont be able to talk. However my grandma is writing down what I need to mention and even offered to send the doctor an email with it so that they can remind me.



funeralxempire
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05 Oct 2021, 1:40 pm

Crystal1414 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
Crystal1414 wrote:
1986 wrote:
True 'dat. There is nothing good about psychotic illnesses. Unless you're lucky to be of the minority that recovers, it will keep eating away at you, more or less intensely, for decades to come.

Focus on the help that's available, notably the meds. If it helps, it's been almost fifteen years since I got the first symptoms of psychosis and I'm able to somewhat function now, thanks to antipsychotics and helpful people around me. You don't need to be scared of the meds. Once you've been on them long enough to see some better days, you'll realize that they -- although not perfect -- make your life better.

I had to temporarily double my dose this month, because of some intense events in my family. Starting to find more stable ground now. The best way is to have an open dialogue with your doc. Try to trust him/her, psychotic illnesses are well-known and it's the people who stick to their treatment regimen who usually have the best chances of recovery.


Yeah. Its disorienting and confusing to be honest. I'm working on getting better but it's hard to stay on meds sometimes.

They really do help me to feel more content and to be aware of certain things. I'm more aware of paranoia now. Hallucinations are harder to manage because I tend to forget them for some reason, so I don't always explain them. I sometimes believe that I'm seeing things I'm not meant to see and then I feel like those things get erased from my memory on purpose. The scariest thing I went through is thinking I was someone else and feeling really confused while pretending to know what I was doing. I tend to have delusions of possession for some reason. Like I think I'm a vessel for Angels. It's a bizarre feeling. It tends to get worse with alcohol for some reason, so I try not to drink very often.

I'm glad to hear that you are becoming more stable. It really sucks when stuff isnt stable in my experience. I'm going to be very open with my doctor at my appointment. Even though it's scary.


You're a really brave woman. I know how hard it can be to discuss how your experience differs from most other folks, especially if you've had a lot of people dismiss or invalidate what you say. I hope your appointment goes well.


Thank you. Yeah it's hard honestly. I feel self conscious sometimes. I have had to deal with a lot of invalidation. People think they can talk me into being "normal" and not "crazy". I usually just leave when that happens. My own family members have sat me down and done that. They literally told me to get my head out of the sand. Other family members have not been very compassionate, they use terms like "effing psychotic" "crazy" "kooky" and "spaz". Its honestly the worst, knowing that they talk like that. That's my aunt and uncle. They feel uncomfortable around me and I hate it. I have to see them though, if I want to hang out with my cousins. My cousins are nice but they do love to tease. I'm definitely nervous about my appointment. I'm scared I wont be able to talk. However my grandma is writing down what I need to mention and even offered to send the doctor an email with it so that they can remind me.


I'm glad she's helping you. I need to make peace with relying on writing more stuff down to help offset when I can't keep my thoughts together effectively to communicated complicated or lengthy bits of information.


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戦争ではなく戦争と戦う


Crystal1414
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Posts: 253
Location: Canada

05 Oct 2021, 2:22 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
Crystal1414 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
Crystal1414 wrote:
1986 wrote:
True 'dat. There is nothing good about psychotic illnesses. Unless you're lucky to be of the minority that recovers, it will keep eating away at you, more or less intensely, for decades to come.

Focus on the help that's available, notably the meds. If it helps, it's been almost fifteen years since I got the first symptoms of psychosis and I'm able to somewhat function now, thanks to antipsychotics and helpful people around me. You don't need to be scared of the meds. Once you've been on them long enough to see some better days, you'll realize that they -- although not perfect -- make your life better.

I had to temporarily double my dose this month, because of some intense events in my family. Starting to find more stable ground now. The best way is to have an open dialogue with your doc. Try to trust him/her, psychotic illnesses are well-known and it's the people who stick to their treatment regimen who usually have the best chances of recovery.


Yeah. Its disorienting and confusing to be honest. I'm working on getting better but it's hard to stay on meds sometimes.

They really do help me to feel more content and to be aware of certain things. I'm more aware of paranoia now. Hallucinations are harder to manage because I tend to forget them for some reason, so I don't always explain them. I sometimes believe that I'm seeing things I'm not meant to see and then I feel like those things get erased from my memory on purpose. The scariest thing I went through is thinking I was someone else and feeling really confused while pretending to know what I was doing. I tend to have delusions of possession for some reason. Like I think I'm a vessel for Angels. It's a bizarre feeling. It tends to get worse with alcohol for some reason, so I try not to drink very often.

I'm glad to hear that you are becoming more stable. It really sucks when stuff isnt stable in my experience. I'm going to be very open with my doctor at my appointment. Even though it's scary.


You're a really brave woman. I know how hard it can be to discuss how your experience differs from most other folks, especially if you've had a lot of people dismiss or invalidate what you say. I hope your appointment goes well.


Thank you. Yeah it's hard honestly. I feel self conscious sometimes. I have had to deal with a lot of invalidation. People think they can talk me into being "normal" and not "crazy". I usually just leave when that happens. My own family members have sat me down and done that. They literally told me to get my head out of the sand. Other family members have not been very compassionate, they use terms like "effing psychotic" "crazy" "kooky" and "spaz". Its honestly the worst, knowing that they talk like that. That's my aunt and uncle. They feel uncomfortable around me and I hate it. I have to see them though, if I want to hang out with my cousins. My cousins are nice but they do love to tease. I'm definitely nervous about my appointment. I'm scared I wont be able to talk. However my grandma is writing down what I need to mention and even offered to send the doctor an email with it so that they can remind me.


I'm glad she's helping you. I need to make peace with relying on writing more stuff down to help offset when I can't keep my thoughts together effectively to communicated complicated or lengthy bits of information.


It's awesome honestly. Yeah, theres no shame in writing down stuff if it helps. I have to do it often because I dont always know what to say and I get confused or I freeze.



funeralxempire
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05 Oct 2021, 3:28 pm

Crystal1414 wrote:
Yeah, theres no shame in writing down stuff if it helps. I have to do it often because I dont always know what to say and I get confused or I freeze.


I get lost down endless tangents, especially when I'm manic. Say if I have three points I need to cover, I'll get through the first, get distracted by something related to the second and start veering off and never even remember that I had a third one.

I wish compassion for one's self was as easy as compassion for others. It's not hard to tell someone else they shouldn't be ashamed of a shortcoming, but the way negative attitudes get internalized seems to make it harder to really apply that value to ourselves.


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Crystal1414
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05 Oct 2021, 3:57 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
Crystal1414 wrote:
Yeah, theres no shame in writing down stuff if it helps. I have to do it often because I dont always know what to say and I get confused or I freeze.


I get lost down endless tangents, especially when I'm manic. Say if I have three points I need to cover, I'll get through the first, get distracted by something related to the second and start veering off and never even remember that I had a third one.

I wish compassion for one's self was as easy as compassion for others. It's not hard to tell someone else they shouldn't be ashamed of a shortcoming, but the way negative attitudes get internalized seems to make it harder to really apply that value to ourselves.


For me I just forget what I'm talking about or I switch the topic to something unrelated. People judge me harshly when I change the topic to my beliefs.

Yeah, it's definitely not easy. I can relate to having a negative internalized attitude. Paranoia does that for me. I generally dont believe people when they tell me nice things. I feel like they are manipulating me. It's hard for me to explain that its nothing personal. It's just my mind playing tricks on me.



Itendswithmexx
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17 Oct 2021, 2:41 am

Do you see people that aren’t there like in a beautiful mind?



Itendswithmexx
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17 Oct 2021, 2:43 am

You know sometimes I don’t feel like speaking because energy and effort. It takes calories and energy to do things. Apparently just to breathe every day you need like a lot of calories. You burn 400 calories in your sleep. So imagine how many you burn having panic attacks. That’s like exercise cause you’re sweating and your whole body is being used. Imagine how many calories you burn in childbirth? You burn 500 an hour breastfeeding.



Itendswithmexx
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17 Oct 2021, 2:47 am

Ehh so you think people are faking and pretending to say nice things to you? Why ? They getting paid or trying to get good karma or look good? Some people aren’t genuine they fake an entire relationship they are worse than hookers. At least hookers are honest and upfront and give you orgasms.

People suck. If they aren’t trying to kill you or f**k your then they don’t care and are selfish scum seedy f***s who are too lazy to improve themselves so they seek to control and dominate you to feel powerful and to actually accomplish
something because they can’t go much further in their own lives. It’s easier to harm you then to improve their own lives.



Itendswithmexx
Velociraptor
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17 Oct 2021, 2:49 am

My art teacher called me “cynical”not crazy. It’s normal to be weary of people. You’re normal to be concerned about people’s motives and whether or not they are sincere or just fake and mocking you. Trying to give you a backhanded compliment.



Itendswithmexx
Velociraptor
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17 Oct 2021, 2:49 am

Mental health is a billion dollar industry funded by billion dollar drug companies. People depend upon you to survive.