Is it so much to wish for another mother?

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noisserped
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11 Oct 2021, 1:17 pm

I swear I must have the stupidest... recently she just declared herself a 'victim' for having to pay a fee after she suddenly didn't want to take up an offer after she declined to read about this offer, and only happened to bother to even look at the pics just after the necessity to pay passed the threshold. And somehow she claims she's not lazy, even after declining to read on it after having to pay. You reckon she's trying to convince me of anything other than she's dumb and lazy? She claims she doesn't want to pay for nothing, and yet even after she did have to pay that fee she can't be bothered to read. If I facepalmed throughout my life I'd have no face by now...



CinderashAutomaton
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11 Oct 2021, 2:10 pm

The answer is both no, because you can wish for whatever you want, it won't change anything, but also yes, it is too much to switch to a different mother who birthed you decades ago, much less have the choice before you are birthed. BUT, you totally can cut them out of your social environment and legally disown them! Can't chose blood but you can choose family.

Sorry lol, was channeling a bit of Drax there. (skip to 1:08)


But I understand your frustration. My parents aren't the brightest, and my mother in particular struggles with some really basic stuff. She has been beaten before by cardboard boxes.


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Fenn
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11 Oct 2021, 3:05 pm

"Well, if it's not one thing . . . it's your mother" - Siggy Freud (no, not really)

I have new respect for my parents now that i have to be a parent. And also new perspective on stuff that might not be mine.

Being a "victim" seems safe to some people, because taking a good honest look at themselves or trying to take responsibility seems unsafe. The strange thing is that sometimes the opposite is true - in situations where you are a helpless victim you have no control. In situations where you are the cause you can learn and change. I think people who are attracted to the victim idea may have a hard time taking a good honest look at themselves.

The hard thing in life is that there bad things that happen to us that we ourselves caused and bad things that happen to us that we did not cause. There are things we can change (like our choices) and things we cannot change (like our birth, and our past). When I try to change things I cannot change (like the past) I end up wasting energy on things I cannot change, and not spending energy on things I can change.

Another idea I have heard more than once recently: there is a different between guilt and shame: guilt says "I made a mistake" while shame says "I AM a mistake". Guilt can be healthy, and shame unhealthy.


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Fnord
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11 Oct 2021, 3:13 pm

noisserped wrote:
I swear I must have the stupidest... recently she just declared herself a 'victim' for having to pay a fee after she suddenly didn't want to take up an offer after she declined to read about this offer, and only happened to bother to even look at the pics just after the necessity to pay passed the threshold. And somehow she claims she's not lazy, even after declining to read on it after having to pay. You reckon she's trying to convince me of anything other than she's dumb and lazy? She claims she doesn't want to pay for nothing, and yet even after she did have to pay that fee she can't be bothered to read. If I facepalmed throughout my life I'd have no face by now...
Are you "on the hook" for the costs?  If so, then I understand your frustration

If not, then just laugh in her face.



noisserped
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11 Oct 2021, 11:51 pm

I refused to even contribute to the money when she was the one who refused to read, problem is she's still refusing to read for future offers and I fear I might be wasting hours trying to get offers who are only later rejected by her because only weeks after she bothers to read tiny amounts at all, which is what happened with the first.



autisticelders
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12 Oct 2021, 4:33 am

is this new behavior? If it is, maybe take her to a doctor who can test for dementia or stroke, sometimes odd behaviors and poor judgement are signs of brain changes ... I have no idea if this applies in your situation. Just a thought. best wishes



shortfatbalduglyman
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12 Oct 2021, 8:58 pm

Anyone could wish for anything

You could wish for another mother

However you are not going to get another mother, short of legal adoption



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12 Oct 2021, 9:02 pm

It seems a tad excessive and irrational to want to swap out your mother just for one silly thing that she did, especially one that doesn't affect you materially. But if that's what you wish, that's what you wish, and nobody has a right to tell you you can't wish it. She's reaping what she sowed, by the sound of it - experiencing the natural punishment arising from her own mistake. She might learn from the event, or she might not. But it's her life, and I wish that pretending to be a victim was the only thing I've ever had to put up with from people. At least you can contradict her and explain that she's brought it on herself, or more kindly, that vendors are often sneaky people who will use all kinds of tricks to force a sale onto somebody who isn't watching the ball like a hawk, and that the moral is, read what they send you carefully or it'll probably happen again. Though I don't quite understand what happened, I guess it was something like that.



noisserped
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20 Oct 2021, 12:58 am

The laziness isn't new, but I find it incredible that she's like this even when lots of money is involved... like, I've always wished I had some kind of intellectual parents, but I'd go for the bare minimally functional in society too (besides being loved, which was non-existent too... in other words, they're only not as bad as those who kill their children, which isn't exactly a bar to aspire to... I literally constantly come across even real-life killers who were just kinder to their own offspring than mine were towards me...)



ToughDiamond
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20 Oct 2021, 1:03 am

^
In that case it looks like your bad experiences of your mother are rather more than could have been gleaned from your original post on this thread.



babybird
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20 Oct 2021, 4:38 am

noisserped wrote:
The laziness isn't new, but I find it incredible that she's like this even when lots of money is involved... like, I've always wished I had some kind of intellectual parents, but I'd go for the bare minimally functional in society too (besides being loved, which was non-existent too... in other words, they're only not as bad as those who kill their children, which isn't exactly a bar to aspire to... I literally constantly come across even real-life killers who were just kinder to their own offspring than mine were towards me...)


You're frustrated because your parents don't live up to your expectations.