Positive social interactions and then... nothing?

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funeralxempire
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15 Dec 2021, 12:58 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
theprisoner wrote:
I dont' think we're really capable of having friends. We're worlds unto ourselves. It's the nature of our fate. We're like parallel universes in a multiverse. If you're truly autistic, you're wrapped up in your own self first and foremost.

Please don't generalize to all "truly autistic" people. Many of us do want friends. Moreover, as we get older, we need a support network of some kind, which for many of us means we need friends.


I'm not sure that someone who's incapable of having friends still can't also need them. In fact, that combination would be especially unpleasant and lonely.

The needs don't vanish just because one is under-equipped to meet them.


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AngelL
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15 Dec 2021, 7:57 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Moreover, as we get older, we need a support network of some kind, which for many of us means we need friends.


I have heard people take the position that we need friends.
I've also heard people take the position that as people get older, they need a support network.

But what needs do older people have, that younger people don't, that can be filled better with a friend than a resource in the community (i.e. social worker, home health care provider, etc.)?



Edna3362
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15 Dec 2021, 12:19 pm

I do not understand the scenario.

Why not just make out the most of it?
Instead of spending time and energy reading too much out of it?


I do not understand because I socialize out of boredom, while not expecting anything and wanting nothing from anyone.

Friendships and basically any second rounds invitations are mostly just bonuses to me.
It's just not something I chase at any point of my life.

I also do not understand the need because I can only imagine what loneliness or social cravings actually felt like.



And the rest? Like community and networking support related to resources?

That's not something of an issue in my culture -- it's a relatively collective culture of apparently many kinships.

The norm here is that everyone's connected to it from the moment they are born...
And I'm not exempted from that particular rule.


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Jakki
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01 Jan 2022, 8:54 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
theprisoner wrote:
I dont' think we're really capable of having friends. We're worlds unto ourselves. It's the nature of our fate. We're like parallel universes in a multiverse. If you're truly autistic, you're wrapped up in your own self first and foremost.

Please don't generalize to all "truly autistic" people. Many of us do want friends. Moreover, as we get older, we need a support network of some kind, which for many of us means we need friends.


believes Mona makes a very good point here about aspies and aging .


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JustFoundHere
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06 Jan 2022, 5:54 pm

Oh yes - been there!

Has anybody become increasingly proactive (over the years) in better understanding the dynamics of friendships?

These discussion threads in the 'Social Skills & Making Friends' Forum may be helpful:

* 'Call For Video Clips To Encourage Social Skills!'
* 'Friendships W/People Receptive To Adults On The Autism Spectrum.'



Summer_Twilight
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21 Jan 2022, 10:48 am

Hi, I am reading this more than a month out and I am so sorry that happened. I personally think it was unprofessional of them to invite you to do something and then a ghost you like that that's very inappropriate and unprofessional if you ask me. That being said, it sounds like those are people who you don't want to work with anyway Because they are showing you how unreliable they truly are. However, I don't think it's your job to over analyze the situation I think part of the problem is they're poor lack of communication it could be nothing to do with you.


Now regarding the interactions with these people are making it sound like they're going to offer you another project do you recall how the Conversations went, because I don't know enough about the situation to really give you a full answer.

However, I will tell you about some unwritten social rules in any relationship. Luckily, you can stop talking to someone because you don't owe anybody an explanation. Basically, it's cool to lose your interest in somebody all of a sudden and not say anything. Additionally, people often ghost because they're scared of "Telling the truth" because you might hurt the other person's feelings. Then another reason why people start ghosting you is because you probably did something or said something that either made them angry or you probably did something or said something the opposite as to what they wanted. Therefore, ghosting is Called stonewalling."



HighLlama
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21 Jan 2022, 4:21 pm

Story of my life, too. Glad to see some other people with a similar experience, though it sucks.



Summer_Twilight
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23 Jan 2022, 8:24 am

Back in late 2003, a lead of a singles ministry was supposed to meet me so I could I baptized.

1. The first time she was supposed to email me and never did.

2. The second time she came to me and said that my email bounced. She told me that she wanted to take me out for dinner the next day. When I reached out to her, she blew me off. “I’ll call you later” and never did. When I tried reaching her cell, she never answered.



At the moment, I have a friend who has been drifting apart from me because he met other friends. He says one or two things but mostly ignores me.



Mona Pereth
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28 Jan 2022, 8:31 pm

AngelL wrote:
I have heard people take the position that we need friends.
I've also heard people take the position that as people get older, they need a support network.

But what needs do older people have, that younger people don't, that can be filled better with a friend than a resource in the community (i.e. social worker, home health care provider, etc.)?

Most (not all!) young people have parents who still care about them and can be relied on to provide at least some help in emergencies. But, as you get older, your parents die.

What a (close!) friend provides, that can't better be provided by a social worker, home health care provider, etc., is someone who deeply, personally, cares -- and who will do what is necessary (outside of paid working hours) to help ensure that the right social workers, home health care workers, etc., are accessed and that they do their respective jobs. Of course the social workers, home health care workers, etc. are needed too, and a friend should not be expected to take their place. But having a close friend who regularly checks in on you, too, can be invaluable.

A larger network of friends can provide occasional additional support as needed.

Even young people who can't rely on their parents (e.g. the many young people who have been disowned by their parents for being gay or trans) need to create an alternative family, and often do.


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Mona Pereth
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28 Jan 2022, 8:45 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
I'm not sure that someone who's incapable of having friends still can't also need them. In fact, that combination would be especially unpleasant and lonely.

The needs don't vanish just because one is under-equipped to meet them.

My point is that people who realize they need friends shouldn't give up on trying to make friends, despite whatever difficulties they may have. Rather, they should analyze their difficulties in detail, then figure out how to find people with compatible idiosyncrasies. They should also learn what I call autistic-friendly soclal skills.

Also, the autistic community needs to develop ways of making it easier for all of us to find and keep friends, at least within the autistic community itself.


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Mona Pereth
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29 Jan 2022, 12:21 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
However, I will tell you about some unwritten social rules in any relationship. Luckily, you can stop talking to someone because you don't owe anybody an explanation. Basically, it's cool to lose your interest in somebody all of a sudden and not say anything.

Actually, this is not necessarily "cool" in all cultures, or in all social circles within even the Western world. It was not accepted behavior among the people I grew up with. Nor was it accepted behavior among most of the people I knew in my early-to-mid twenties.

Among the people I knew when I was in my thirties, there were some people who behaved that way and others who didn't.

One pattern I noticed, among the people I knew then, was that most of the people who behaved that way were of Catholic background, whereas most of the people who did NOT behave that way were of Jewish background. This difference might have something to do with the high value that Judaism traditionally places on conflict resolution during the days between Rosh Hoshanah and Yom Kippur.

The "unwritten social rules" you describe do seem to have become an increasingly accepted norm in recent decades, probably due to the rise of social media, where people are officially encouraged to block, or mute, anyone they don't like.

Even today, though, they are an accepted norm mainly for people who met each other as total strangers, without friends in common. If the people do have friends in common, then a sudden unilateral dropping of friendship can cause lots of drama in their common social circle. How acceptable this is varies with the culture of the particular friendship group.

Within the organized autistic community, or at least in any part thereof that I'm involved in creating, I think the following would be a reasonable norm -- and should be explicitly agreed-upon:

(1) We don't owe any explanations to casual acquaintances.

(2) On the other hand, among established friends, or among longtime members of the same group, there should be a commitment to conflict resolution. If people can't remain friends, they should at least give each other closure.


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