If people treated me the same as they do others...

Page 1 of 2 [ 17 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,860
Location: UK

18 Dec 2021, 12:59 pm

...then I don't think I'll have any troubles making friends and fitting in, in fact I'll probably be popular.

I think the only social problem I have is presenting a social 'weakness' (kind of like a vibe) where a lot of NTs think they can say whatever they want to me (things they wouldn't say to others) and not consider my feelings.

It's like I can do all the things an NT does but because I give off "weak" vibes people aren't afraid of hurting or dismissing my feelings.

For example, one man at work whines all the time, he goes into these whiny monologues very frequently, and although other workers say behind his back "all he does is moan, moan, moan!", they still listen politely when he is going into one. But if on the uncommon occasion that I may whine about something, even I say it in a matter-of-fact sort of way, people just tell me upfront to stop complaining or moaning. That is just one example and is not intended to base this whole thread on.

It might be why I get along better with other socially "weak" people (not necessarily other Aspies), because they may not notice my weakness so much and be more appreciative of my kind nature instead of portraying me as weak or stupid.

I quite like this explanation actually. It's not that I don't understand people, it's just I give off this unwanted vibe that lets a lot of NT people (not all) treat me differently to what they treat others. It has always been my problem, being treated differently.
For example as a teenager some other kid could spit and it will impress the group, but if I spat I'll just be called gross. That sort of thing.


_________________
Female
Aged 32
On antidepressants
Diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and mild ASD


AprilR
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 8 Apr 2016
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,945

18 Dec 2021, 2:54 pm

Agreed, people like or dislike each other without reason. If someone is dead set on disliking you no good or kind behavior will change their feelings towards you.

It's the same with kind and caring nt people too. One of my nt friends is a very kind person who always thinks of others before herself and she has suffered a lot precisely because she doesn't attack people and get bitchy when the others bully her. The bullies can't understand that so they attack her more.
Aggressive and immature people can't comprehend kindness.



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,860
Location: UK

18 Dec 2021, 4:18 pm

Yes, it applies to NTs as well; some NTs can give off "weak" vibes and be treated differently.

Socialising is hard when you get treated differently by most NTs.


_________________
Female
Aged 32
On antidepressants
Diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and mild ASD


Erjoy29
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

Joined: 18 Feb 2017
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 78
Location: Minnesota

18 Dec 2021, 7:27 pm

Yeah. I get you.

So many rules, expectations, reputations, and we live in such a status and ego filled society. And it is sometimes at superficial level.

For me, even just saying hi and hello is somewhat insignificant compared to other people saying it.

I always just try to smile, work on positive energy no matter how bad I’m feeling, and try to show genuine care for the other person.

I may not be able to fulfill their expectations. But they can at least see I’m trying. NT’s give credit to us who try. But NT’s don’t ever go halfway for us. Because they are the majority. And in some ways I get that.

Maybe you could try certain things that make you stand out in a good way? My autistic talents help me make others view me in a different light. Sometimes in an equal light. Other times they are more confused and are not sure where they and I stand at all.

I’ve seen those Lower functioning than me. I am guilty of thinking somewhat less than them. But then I see their writing and art and so much more and I think “Holy s**t, they are way above me! In a lot of ways!”

Surface level judgments are useless!



Erjoy29
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

Joined: 18 Feb 2017
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 78
Location: Minnesota

18 Dec 2021, 7:59 pm

I do think it is critical that we try to make peace within our place and find… somehow… someway…. To make others feel and be at their best, too. And thrive with society at large. It is how it all works.



SabbraCadabra
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Apr 2008
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,382
Location: Michigan

18 Dec 2021, 8:15 pm

Joe90 wrote:
For example, one man at work whines all the time, he goes into these whiny monologues very frequently, and although other workers say behind his back "all he does is moan, moan, moan!", they still listen politely when he is going into one. But if on the uncommon occasion that I may whine about something, even I say it in a matter-of-fact sort of way, people just tell me upfront to stop complaining or moaning. That is just one example and is not intended to base this whole thread on.

I'm not an NT or a psychologist, so I could be wrong here, but isn't it a sign of respect that they would say something like that to your face, as opposed to how they talk about the other guy behind his back?


_________________
he had a lot to say, he had a lot of nothing to say
we'll miss him


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 81,919
Location: Queens, NYC

18 Dec 2021, 8:27 pm

It’s probably more out of fear that they talk behind his back, and not directly to his face.

They don’t feel you pose a threat.



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,860
Location: UK

18 Dec 2021, 8:49 pm

It is ironically more respectful to talk behind one's back than to say it to ones face. Saying it to their face takes guts - unless the person is perceived as weak, then they have no problem being upfront about you to your face. It's natural to talk about people behind their back, even I'm guilty of it sometimes. It's what humans do and I'm no exception (this is where I don't relate to other autistics in this way).

However, sometimes a person can be honest with you for good intentions. But when it's done to invalidate you or make you feel inferior or treated differently then it's actually kinder to not say to their face. People can talk about me if they want, as long as I don't know, then what I don't know can't hurt me.

I'd rather people listen politely to my ramblings than to tell me to shut up and stop whining. I like my voice heard. I like expressing myself, if only people would let me.


_________________
Female
Aged 32
On antidepressants
Diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and mild ASD


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 81,919
Location: Queens, NYC

18 Dec 2021, 8:54 pm

I’m not allowed to whine, either. Trust me. I know the feeling.

When it comes right down to it, though—maybe it’s better not to whine.



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,860
Location: UK

18 Dec 2021, 10:26 pm

I don't whine much in offline life but sometimes whining is just expressing your feelings.


_________________
Female
Aged 32
On antidepressants
Diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and mild ASD


Earthbound_Alien
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 30 Jul 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 900
Location: UK

19 Dec 2021, 7:56 am

Joe90 wrote:
It is ironically more respectful to talk behind one's back than to say it to ones face. Saying it to their face takes guts - unless the person is perceived as weak, then they have no problem being upfront about you to your face. It's natural to talk about people behind their back, even I'm guilty of it sometimes. It's what humans do and I'm no exception (this is where I don't relate to other autistics in this way).

However, sometimes a person can be honest with you for good intentions. But when it's done to invalidate you or make you feel inferior or treated differently then it's actually kinder to not say to their face. People can talk about me if they want, as long as I don't know, then what I don't know can't hurt me.

I'd rather people listen politely to my ramblings than to tell me to shut up and stop whining. I like my voice heard. I like expressing myself, if only people would let me.


I NEED my voice to be heard for my own sanity...i just don't care about popularity...i care about the other individuals whom are vulnerable like me.

my voice needs to be heard for them so that what has happened to me is NEVER repeated

no one has to listen politely

no doubt I will kick up a s**t storm and no one will like me because I'm about to tell the world its full of s**t

I don't care I just want the truth out minus the bollocks



Edna3362
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Oct 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 9,485
Location: ᜆᜄᜎᜓᜄ᜔

19 Dec 2021, 8:21 am

If people treated me the same as they do others...

.....
.......

Actually, I do not understand this statement.

By "as they do others" meaning...
As an equal? Casual? Included? Welcomed? ... Valid?? Taken seriously? Not a part of the background??? "Human"?!



So I'll just assume and put my own context from that statement:

IF people treated me the same as they do others...
It is completely contextual.

Not just as an individual, but also in location, and depending in other presences and whatever they're doing -- personal, business, in between... And usually all at once.

To me, new place, specific people, situations and other spaces means a change of rules.

I expect the same person I've been playing ball with the youth around the neighborhood to act like a stern person in the job, or a trickster amongst the batch mate peers, or an utter flirt within specific chatrooms...

I expect this person -- or anyone for that matter -- to change, shift from someone to resonate with to a complete stranger as soon as the dynamics, time and space shifts.

What I can control, is when I should play along with this dynamic -- passively, actively or not, regardless of my 'position'.

I had known that there is always a right time and place for everything. I just have to observe when, how and where -- and just as how I'd naturally express it.

And all 'roles' can be optimized and be able to make the most of it -- yes, even the role of being label a complete loser.

Even if that window is very slim, it is there. This includes complaining about everything, being heard for it, and not be belittled by it.


_________________
Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).


blitzkrieg
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jun 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,537
Location: In a square sphere of abstract, nuanced thought.

19 Dec 2021, 2:33 pm

AprilR wrote:
Aggressive and immature people can't comprehend kindness.


This is my experience exactly.

You try to educate people whilst learning from them and because you don't agree with everything they say... you're a terrible person who needs to be attacked, endlessly.


_________________
Cultural Conservative, Economic Socialist.
Christian (LGBTQ+ affirming).
Abstract & critical thinker. 2nd wave feminist.
All humans are equal before God.
Freedom, is the sovereign right, of America.
On vacation


HighLlama
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Apr 2015
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,912

19 Dec 2021, 2:37 pm

Joe90 wrote:
...then I don't think I'll have any troubles making friends and fitting in, in fact I'll probably be popular.

I think the only social problem I have is presenting a social 'weakness' (kind of like a vibe) where a lot of NTs think they can say whatever they want to me (things they wouldn't say to others) and not consider my feelings.

It's like I can do all the things an NT does but because I give off "weak" vibes people aren't afraid of hurting or dismissing my feelings.

For example, one man at work whines all the time, he goes into these whiny monologues very frequently, and although other workers say behind his back "all he does is moan, moan, moan!", they still listen politely when he is going into one. But if on the uncommon occasion that I may whine about something, even I say it in a matter-of-fact sort of way, people just tell me upfront to stop complaining or moaning. That is just one example and is not intended to base this whole thread on.

It might be why I get along better with other socially "weak" people (not necessarily other Aspies), because they may not notice my weakness so much and be more appreciative of my kind nature instead of portraying me as weak or stupid.

I quite like this explanation actually. It's not that I don't understand people, it's just I give off this unwanted vibe that lets a lot of NT people (not all) treat me differently to what they treat others. It has always been my problem, being treated differently.
For example as a teenager some other kid could spit and it will impress the group, but if I spat I'll just be called gross. That sort of thing.


Tools! Burn them!! :skull: Their problem, really, is you're not like the others. And they can't cope, as they're so desperate to be accepted. The should treat you as you, but that is beyond them.



Benjamin the Donkey
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2017
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,079

20 Dec 2021, 3:48 am

I find people often treat me differently for the opposite reason: I say things to people's face that other people are afraid to directly say. I'm not being intentionally rude or offensive, just saying what I mean. But I'm told I'm not "diplomatic" enough.


_________________
"Donkeys live a long time. None of you has ever seen a dead donkey."


mohsart
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Feb 2020
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 679
Location: Southern Sweden

20 Dec 2021, 2:22 pm

What's weird to me is that I never in my adult life had this happen to me before I moved to this city.
And it started way before I got diagnosed, so I don't believe it's because I've changed my behaviour because of the diagnosis.
What's happening is some people don't greet me. Nobody asks me out for lunch, nobody invites me to anything outside of work.
Most people are polite, but some are downright rude to me, leaves the room when I enter and such.
When I bring it up with the few people I have a bit of connection with they say that I am liked and apreciated by all, but that's not the signals I'm receiving.

/Mats


_________________
Interests: Comic books, Manga; most things to do with Handicraft, wood, textile, metal etc, modern materials; horror, true crime; languages, art, and history to an extent
Uninterests: All things about motors; celebrities; fashion; sports; career; stock market
Feel free to PM me!