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Summer_Twilight
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30 Dec 2021, 11:38 am

Hi:
I have friend who is on the spectrum who I have known for three years. Circumstances:
1. He seems to whine about being rejected a lot, yet he’s popular and has a lot of friends. He also started his own support group
2. Every time I invite him to things, he always has plans with other friends. I always seem him getting together with lots of other people on social media.
3. He also only seems to contact me when he wants to dump on me about other people who have a problem with him:
4. In fact, he makes it seem like he never has friends and the world hates him because he is autistic.
5. He has the need to be right all the time
6. He has also gotten into fights with other people and does not think about what he says to others.
7. He’s self-absorbed

I told him flat out that he seems to have a lot of friends and seems to be popular. Yet, he has never invite me to hang out one on one. He said it’s because he’s burned out from hanging out with the other people.

He also said that he came to my birthday dinner.

I would like to assert myself and set boundaries



Fnord
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30 Dec 2021, 11:48 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
... I would like to assert myself and set boundaries
You would likely be better off for doing so.



Summer_Twilight
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30 Dec 2021, 11:59 am

What kind of boundaries should I set?



Fnord
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30 Dec 2021, 12:13 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
What kind of boundaries should I set?
Were I in a similar situation, I would say...

1. Do not tell me about being rejected.

2. Do not expect any more invitations from me.

3. Do not dump your problems on me.

4. Do not complain to me about having no friends.

5. Admit it when you are wrong.

6. No more fights.

7. Be considerate of others.

And, most important...

8. This is your last chance.

9. From now on, it's My Way or The Highway.

:D Good luck!



Summer_Twilight
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30 Dec 2021, 1:37 pm

I like those, good comebacks



Mona Pereth
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30 Dec 2021, 4:16 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Hi:
I have friend who is on the spectrum who I have known for three years. Circumstances:
1. He seems to whine about being rejected a lot, yet he’s popular and has a lot of friends. He also started his own support group

Uh oh. Some of his traits, as described elsewhere in your post, don't sound to me like good ones for a group leader/facilitator.

Summer_Twilight wrote:
2. Every time I invite him to things, he always has plans with other friends. I always seem him getting together with lots of other people on social media.

Are these "lots of other people" mostly members of his group? If to, it's to be expected that he would give priority to talking to them.

Summer_Twilight wrote:
3. He also only seems to contact me when he wants to dump on me about other people who have a problem with him:

As a group leader/facilitator, he should "dump on" his therapist, not on you. Group leaders speaking ill of other specific, identifiable people is a sure recipe for lots of nasty drama, it seems to me. If the people he speaks ill of are members of his group, it's also downright unethical IMO. Even if they aren't members of his own group, it's still unseemly.

Summer_Twilight wrote:
4. In fact, he makes it seem like he never has friends and the world hates him because he is autistic.

It could be that he never feels close to any of the members of his group, despite talking to them a lot?

Summer_Twilight wrote:
5. He has the need to be right all the time
6. He has also gotten into fights with other people and does not think about what he says to others.
7. He’s self-absorbed

Ugh! These are definitely NOT good traits in a group leader/facilitator.

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I told him flat out that he seems to have a lot of friends and seems to be popular.
Yet, he has never invite me to hang out one on one.

If these "friends" are mostly members of his group and other associated people, it's reasonable behavior for a group leader/facilitator (even a better one than he apparently is, based on what you've said about him) to give priority to his group, and to talking to members of his group.

My own social life revolves almost entirely around my various groups. I don't generally go out on one-on-one outings with people, although I do have one-on-one phone conversations. I, like many autistic people, simply don't have the energy for a lot of in-person socializing (or a lot of real-time virtual socializing either, for that matter). My groups take up pretty near all my "spoons" in that regard.

Summer_Twilight wrote:
He said it’s because he’s burned out from hanging out with the other people.

Not a surprise. As I said, this is reasonable and expected behavior for a group leader.

Reasonable or not, it may nonetheless be incompatible with your needs. If you specifically need/desire your friends to be people whom you can hang out with one-on-one, then you and he are probably not compatible as friends.

Summer_Twilight wrote:
He also said that he came to my birthday dinner.

Did he?

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I would like to assert myself and set boundaries

What kinds of boundaries, specifically?


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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 30 Dec 2021, 4:37 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Fnord
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30 Dec 2021, 4:22 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I like those, good comebacks.
More often than not, it is useless to negotiate or "talk-out" boundary issues with someone who cannot or will not respect personal boundaries.

It is better to say "Just leave me the f*** alone!" and be done with it than try to bargain with such people.



Summer_Twilight
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30 Dec 2021, 5:07 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Hi:
I have friend who is on the spectrum who I have known for three years. Circumstances:
1. He seems to whine about being rejected a lot, yet he’s popular and has a lot of friends. He also started his own support group

Uh oh. Some of his traits, as described elsewhere in your post, don't sound to me like good ones for a group leader/facilitator.

Summer_Twilight wrote:
2. Every time I invite him to things, he always has plans with other friends. I always seem him getting together with lots of other people on social media.

Are these "lots of other people" mostly members of his group? If to, it's to be expected that he would give priority to talking to them.

Summer_Twilight wrote:
3. He also only seems to contact me when he wants to dump on me about other people who have a problem with him:

As a group leader/facilitator, he should "dump on" his therapist, not on you. Group leaders speaking ill of other specific, identifiable people is a sure recipe for lots of nasty drama, it seems to me. If the people he speaks ill of are members of his group, it's also downright unethical IMO. Even if they aren't members of his own group, it's still unseemly.

Summer_Twilight wrote:
4. In fact, he makes it seem like he never has friends and the world hates him because he is autistic.

It could be that he never feels close to any of the members of his group, despite talking to them a lot?

Summer_Twilight wrote:
5. He has the need to be right all the time
6. He has also gotten into fights with other people and does not think about what he says to others.
7. He’s self-absorbed

Ugh! These are definitely NOT good traits in a group leader/facilitator.

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I told him flat out that he seems to have a lot of friends and seems to be popular.
Yet, he has never invite me to hang out one on one.

If these "friends" are mostly members of his group and other associated people, it's reasonable behavior for a group leader/facilitator (even a better one than he apparently is, based on what you've said about him) to give priority to his group, and to talking to members of his group.

My own social life revolves almost entirely around my various groups. I don't generally go out on one-on-one outings with people, although I do have one-on-one phone conversations. I, like many autistic people, simply don't have the energy for a lot of in-person socializing (or a lot of real-time virtual socializing either, for that matter). My groups take up pretty near all my "spoons" in that regard.

Summer_Twilight wrote:
He said it’s because he’s burned out from hanging out with the other people.

Not a surprise. As I said, this is reasonable and expected behavior for a group leader.

Reasonable or not, it may nonetheless be incompatible with your needs. If you specifically need/desire your friends to be people whom you can hang out with one-on-one, then you and he are probably not compatible as friends.

Summer_Twilight wrote:
He also said that he came to my birthday dinner.

Did he?

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I would like to assert myself and set boundaries

What kinds of boundaries, specifically?


Mona,

1. These are friends who he has known for years who he associates with outside of the support group. He often does selfies and group photos with these other friends

2. He has told me that he started this group to outdo another friend of mine who he does not get along with

3. Yes he came to my birthday dinner



HighLlama
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31 Dec 2021, 8:04 am

Why waste your time with such an entitled person? Sometimes the desire to understand means we only empty ourselves. Find people who fulfill you.



Mona Pereth
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31 Dec 2021, 8:25 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Mona,

1. These are friends who he has known for years who he associates with outside of the support group. He often does selfies and group photos with these other friends

2. He has told me that he started this group to outdo another friend of mine who he does not get along with

3. Yes he came to my birthday dinner

Is there anything you like about him? Why have you chosen to remain friends with him all this time?

Also, how have you attempted to address your issues with him in the past?


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Summer_Twilight
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31 Dec 2021, 8:38 am

1. I have been trying to get to know him because we seemed to hit it off. I also felt sorry for him because he had been rejected. However, it was not until recently that I realized how popular he is.

2. Yes, I confronted him the other night when he
A. Dumped on me
B. When he said he could not come to my new year’s party tonight because he has already promised someone else. However, he put “Maybe” down on the invite.



Mona Pereth
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31 Dec 2021, 9:32 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
1. I have been trying to get to know him because we seemed to hit it off. I also felt sorry for him because he had been rejected. However, it was not until recently that I realized how popular he is.

Have you asked him about the discrepancy between his (at least seeming) popularity and his previous complaints about being rejected? If so, what's his explanation of this? Also, to what extent is his apparent popularity a new development in his life, vs. to what extent has it been a longterm thing?

Summer_Twilight wrote:
2. Yes, I confronted him the other night when he
A. Dumped on me
B. When he said he could not come to my new year’s party tonight because he has already promised someone else. However, he put “Maybe” down on the invite.

Perhaps the "maybe" meant he would attend your party if the other party got cancelled, or if he decided at the last minute not to attend the other party for whatever reason?

Also, it's not clear to me what your issue with him is in this regard. You said that he did attend your birthday party. Do you feel that he should attend all, or at least most, of your parties? If so, why do you feel that he should he be obliged to do so?

I'm wondering if perhaps you might have thought of him as a closer friend than he turned out to be, and perhaps you feel hurt for that reason?


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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 31 Dec 2021, 12:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

rse92
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31 Dec 2021, 10:25 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Hi:
I have friend who is on the spectrum who I have known for three years. Circumstances:
1. He seems to whine about being rejected a lot, yet he’s popular and has a lot of friends. He also started his own support group
2. Every time I invite him to things, he always has plans with other friends. I always seem him getting together with lots of other people on social media.
3. He also only seems to contact me when he wants to dump on me about other people who have a problem with him:
4. In fact, he makes it seem like he never has friends and the world hates him because he is autistic.
5. He has the need to be right all the time
6. He has also gotten into fights with other people and does not think about what he says to others.
7. He’s self-absorbed

I told him flat out that he seems to have a lot of friends and seems to be popular. Yet, he has never invite me to hang out one on one. He said it’s because he’s burned out from hanging out with the other people.

He also said that he came to my birthday dinner.

I would like to assert myself and set boundaries


You should just DTMFA. He's not worth the grief.



Summer_Twilight
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31 Dec 2021, 12:27 pm

Hi Mona, I asked him about why he is so hung up on being rejected since he is so popular.

How response: He just wants closure


The issue I have with him is because he keeps telling me we are friends. Yet, he never seems to have time for me. He’s always “Busy.” However, I always see him on FB with getting together with his other friends.

However, I have lots of other friends who have problems with him.


Regarding my birthday, the only thing he did was whine to me about being mad about being rejected by a friend because their mother didn’t like him.



Mona Pereth
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31 Dec 2021, 1:20 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
The issue I have with him is because he keeps telling me we are friends. Yet, he never seems to have time for me. He’s always “Busy.” However, I always see him on FB with getting together with his other friends.

Sounds to me like he wants to be "friends" in the sense of "on friendly terms" with you, but does not see you as a CLOSE friend?

Summer_Twilight wrote:
However, I have lots of other friends who have problems with him.

What kinds of problems do they have with him?

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Regarding my birthday, the only thing he did was whine to me about being mad about being rejected by a friend because their mother didn’t like him.

I'm a bit confused here. Are you saying that's what he did at your birthday party? If so, sounds rather inappropriate.


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Summer_Twilight
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31 Dec 2021, 4:33 pm

The problems I have with him is that he took advantage of my kindness. The problems I have with him

1. It’s always about him
2. He only talked to me whenever he got into trouble with other people for mismanaging his emotions. It was never his fault
3. He likes to play the victim c

Yes, he dumped on me at my birthday dinner about that situation. He also showed me the emails.