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Summer_Twilight
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02 Jan 2022, 10:10 pm

No, I was looking for a platonic friendship. That said, I am now realizing there were some hints

1. Whenever he came to my things, he never was that excited and often got bored or left early

2. I found out some things about him which he never told me about

On the other hand, I just learned through another friend of mine that he is not worth crying about. He has a dark side and said some really bad about people who didn’t give into his demands.



EEngineer75
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02 Jan 2022, 10:34 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
No, I was looking for a platonic friendship. That said, I am now realizing there were some hints

1. Whenever he came to my things, he never was that excited and often got bored or left early

2. I found out some things about him which he never told me about

On the other hand, I just learned through another friend of mine that he is not worth crying about. He has a dark side and said some really bad about people who didn’t give into his demands.


Sounds like you've wisely let go of a one-sided, troubling (for you) acquaintance/friend.


However, I might caution you in your expectations for male platonic friendships:

In my view, experience, and readings males tend to want to do things "shoulder-to-shoulder," participating in enjoying a common interest. The shared interests and experiences are almost always the focus of the friendship & bonding. (The exception might be with a few much older--decades--and wiser NT coworker acquaintances.)

I'm led to believe (never had more than a few, casual and/or short-term platonic female friendly acquaintances) that females tend to want "face-to-face" friendships with closer attention on the actual "relationship" itself: sharing feelings, stories, and bonding with empathy.

And since your would-be-male-friend was on the spectrum, it may not be good to expect a strong, reciprocal "face-to-face," sharing of feelings & empathizing kind-of-relationship.

I'd guess he got something from you with your listening, but I 2nd Mona Pereth's advice:
Mona Pereth wrote:
Ghosting is likely to cause further drama, given that you do have common acquaintances.

I would suggest that you gently ease him out of your life, but not outright ghost him. Next time he contacts you to dump on someone, perhaps you could tell him you're not interested in being dumped on. Also, of course, don't invite him to any more parties.


And for another view from my favorite advice columnist--especially regarding the subtitles of boundaries:
Carolyn Hax: Frustration over friend's complaints complicate relationship
https://www.rrstar.com/story/news/2015/ ... 828693007/


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Summer_Twilight
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03 Jan 2022, 9:21 am

EE, thanks for the tips about differences in psychological wiring.

I would agree that I don’t have that many things in common with him.

Examples, he likes video games which is something I don’t really care for.

As for the listening part, he will dump on anyone who gives him the chance.

Though I was upset, I realize that he is not worth persuing



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03 Jan 2022, 9:25 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I realize that he is not worth pursuing.
↑ THIS is the key.

You have made the right decision.  Canceling him from your life and ghosting him are all he deserves.



Summer_Twilight
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03 Jan 2022, 1:40 pm

Thanks for your support everyone because he is an abusive friend. I don’t have to sit and take that from him



Mona Pereth
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04 Jan 2022, 7:29 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Thanks for your support everyone because he is an abusive friend. I don’t have to sit and take that from him

Hmmm, while it's probably good that you are distancing yourself from him, I wouldn't go so far as to call him "abusive," based on what you've told us about him so far. Indeed your main gripe about him seems to be that he did not accept more of your invitations -- which is something he never really had an obligation to do, in the first place.

You're just annoyed that he spent so much time complaining to you, but hardly any time doing anything else with you. This is indeed one-sided -- and a valid reason to distance yourself -- but I think "abusive" may be too strong a word.


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Summer_Twilight
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04 Jan 2022, 9:07 am

Hi Mona:
I am not saying he was abusive to me per say. Rather, he is abusive towards my other friends. Long story short, his behavior has gotten him kicked out of several autism support groups. He also lost a job. Yet, he never owns up to anything. In my case, he is more hurt that I dumped him than he was in realizing that he was not being a good friend.

Basically, every conversation is how he wants to see those who rejected him, get hurt. Believe me, he says horrible things.

As for him not being obligated to come, whatever. Actually, I am more upset that he always makes it sound like he does not have any friends. Yet, he is really popular and has lots of friends to do things with. Though he called me a friend , they seemed to be more important. In the mean time, he took advantage of my kindness.

As for the party, no, it was the last straw.



Fnord
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04 Jan 2022, 9:21 am

Obviously, the "relationship" was (and still is) beyond repair.  It is good that you have cut the ties and moved on.

People should stop trying to fix it for you.



Summer_Twilight
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04 Jan 2022, 9:31 am

Fnord wrote:
Obviously, the "relationship" was (and still is) beyond repair.  It is good that you have cut the ties and moved on.

People should stop trying to fix it for you.



Yes, I think so too. Actually, I was glad that he didn’t go to the party after all. After two close friends told me what about his true colors, it turned me off. The thing is, I can’t reason with him because I already know what the end result will be. Rather, it’s better not to confront him. Instead, I have disarmed by acknowledging his feelings and setting boundaries.



Fnord
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04 Jan 2022, 9:46 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Obviously, the "relationship" was (and still is) beyond repair.  It is good that you have cut the ties and moved on.  People should stop trying to fix it for you.
Yes, I think so too. Actually, I was glad that he didn’t go to the party after all. After two close friends told me what about his true colors, it turned me off. The thing is, I can’t reason with him because I already know what the end result will be. Rather, it’s better not to confront him. Instead, I have disarmed by acknowledging his feelings and setting boundaries.
Certainly a toxic male.



Summer_Twilight
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04 Jan 2022, 9:53 am

Fnord wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Obviously, the "relationship" was (and still is) beyond repair.  It is good that you have cut the ties and moved on.  People should stop trying to fix it for you.
Yes, I think so too. Actually, I was glad that he didn’t go to the party after all. After two close friends told me what about his true colors, it turned me off. The thing is, I can’t reason with him because I already know what the end result will be. Rather, it’s better not to confront him. Instead, I have disarmed by acknowledging his feelings and setting boundaries.
Certainly a toxic male.


Exactly and everything is all about him. Regardless of that, thank you everyone.



Last edited by Summer_Twilight on 04 Jan 2022, 10:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

Fnord
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04 Jan 2022, 9:54 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Obviously, the "relationship" was (and still is) beyond repair.  It is good that you have cut the ties and moved on.  People should stop trying to fix it for you.
Yes, I think so too. Actually, I was glad that he didn’t go to the party after all. After two close friends told me what about his true colors, it turned me off. The thing is, I can’t reason with him because I already know what the end result will be. Rather, it’s better not to confront him. Instead, I have disarmed by acknowledging his feelings and setting boundaries.
Certainly a toxic male.
Exactly and everything is all about him.
A narcissist, too!



txfz1
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04 Jan 2022, 10:09 am

I don't think Mona was trying to fix it up, I gathered she just wanted the abuse label to be clarified.

FWIW, it's over now but if you are like me, I would still have to process it and it will still hurt. All the cycles of grief, rinse, and then repeat. I fvcking hate it, the obsession, the triggers, the wasted time analyzing what has already been said, and the pain. For myself, these over-analyzing periods seems to just diminish the positives; that you did the right thing, should be proud, and are moving forward.



Summer_Twilight
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04 Jan 2022, 10:16 am

I am very sad that I had to let him down like that. The truth is that I liked him a lot. Rather, I got tired of playing his therapist. I also got tired of him not being interested in my life. All he did was whine.

As for the grief process, I am sure I will.