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hurtloam
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12 Jan 2022, 1:59 am

When you grow up with nurodiverse parents you enter the adult world expecting people to not include you or help you or care about you because that's how your parents were treated and by extension you because you were the weird people's kid.

My sibling and I never expect anything of people.

What's your thoughts on this?



timf
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12 Jan 2022, 7:41 am

If you don't expect things from other people, you won't be disappointed.



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12 Jan 2022, 11:07 am

I'm still a kid, so I can give you my perspective.
My parents basically have no friends outside of the family, so I don't get friends from their friend's kids like most people probably do.
I also have basically no way to socialize outside of this house because they don't understand wanting friends.
I'm pretty sure my dad is an Aspie, but he knows nothing about it (because he's too focused on politics, he's like me with ships when he talks about it) my mom says she isn't but just doesn't seek much social activity.
I feel weird gossiping about them on a forum, lol. But yeah, this basically made me the "her parents are never involved in the school or cOmMuNiTy so we don't know who she is and ignore her" kid. And when I try to find a job, I might as well move to the other side of the country because I'm not going to find any "I know your relatives" jobs anywhere near here.



kraftiekortie
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12 Jan 2022, 1:18 pm

I didn’t have to “know anybody” to get any of my jobs.

If anything, my parents were overly “socially conscious.”

My father had many friends, and my mother but a few.

I never “benefited” from the social aspects or lack thereof of my parents.



AprilR
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12 Jan 2022, 1:23 pm

Growing up, people made fun of my father a lot albeit not in a malicious way. I didn't understand that as a child so i demonized my father and tried everything to not be like him.

Up until a few years ago i had an awkward relationship with him. After learning and coming to terms with the fact that he and i are most likely autistic, it got a lot better.
He is now probably the person i feel closest to in this world.



ToughDiamond
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12 Jan 2022, 2:32 pm

My father had a lot of ASD traits, quite noticeably. I don't think anybody knows whether my mother was ND or just unusual. My brother-in-law regarded her as "insane," and I can't say I entirely disagreed with him. My mother's main circle of people were her family, but she also got on quite well with the people she worked with. In those days it was more likely that a given person's social interactions were mostly with family members, I suppose. My father had just a few carefully-selected friends that he got on well with on a one-on-one basis, and always seemed comfortable with my mother's family, though his interpersonal style would sometimes raise a few eyebrows - he'd start talking incessantly about his special interests or indulge in his home-brewed style of extravert behaviour and humour which wasn't always quite normal. As far as I know he got on tolerably well with his workmates. One of them befriended our family and visited us quite regularly for a year or two before he got married.

I didn't see my parents as not fitting in, though I thought they were a little insular. I didn't expect to be excluded or ignored by anybody, and I don't think I was ignored until I was about 9 years old, and even then the feelings of alienation came from the occasional external event, a gradually-increasing experience of not being able to find anybody to hang out with. For many years it was usually something of a shock for me to have such experiences, and a source of anxiety that there might be something about me that threatened to leave me without any friends. I even remember wondering why I always expected people to give me their attention when it was becoming increasingly clear that generally speaking they didn't. I'd imagine what it would be like when I went to this or that social thing, and rarely expected to be ignored by default.

So in my case, it wasn't like the OP described.



SharonB
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13 Jan 2022, 6:46 pm

My ASD BFF has two ASD parents. She would write exactly what you did. She expected nothing from outside herself.

My Dad is NT and quite social. My Mom is ASD and social relative to that (social edge), but not enough for networking. However, they both taught me how to resource. Although ASD, I am extroverted and expressive like my dad, but I am not clear how to -or don't want to?- "mobilize" my peer network.

BTW - I thought I was normal since my mom was my primary parent and I was normal relative to her. It wasn't until recently that I fully faced inability to "fit in" to the NT mainstream.



autisticelders
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16 Jan 2022, 6:41 am

parents who neglect and abuse their children will have children who are traumatized and have disabling social struggles. It doesn't matter if the parents themselves are neurodiverse or not. If neurodiverse parents are incapable of being good parents, their kids will suffer too. My mother was autistic, abusive, self centered, rejected by her peers because of her odd behavior and inability to socialize although her dearest wish was to be a socialite "high class" person known for taste, beauty, wealth and social power. Of course we (her kids) were an emotional mess and unable to function in the real world. I learned of her autism when I began to suspect my own. She died without ever knowing she was autistic but it sure explains a lot about my odd and abused childhood. My own autism didn't help me understand any of it either!
Sometimes things are way more complicated than your statement above would indicate. I have forgiven my family for being a mess, nobody knew. I now understand how the dynamics happened, I understand my cptsd and ptsd and the years of pain and struggle. I can forgive to a certain extent, but I will never forgive all the deliberate acts that were done to me simply to cause me pain both emotional and physical.


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