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r00tb33r
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21 Jun 2022, 4:21 pm

Amusing fact of life.

It takes 3 different units of measure to determine the size of a car tire. Rim diameter in inches, tire width in millimeters, sidewall height in % of the width.


_________________
I've reached the end.


lostonearth35
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23 Jun 2022, 10:59 am

Did you hear about the guy who invented the first knock-knock joke?

He won the No-bell Prize!



MuddRM
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23 Jun 2022, 11:44 am

A buddy of mine just recently received his Doctor of Musical Arts from the University lof Illinois Urbana Champaign, with a major instrument being pipe organ. He and his wife are music directors at a major Presbyterian church in Decatur, Illinois. He is also a major punster. He owns a wedding music service called Positif Images. (Get it?). Whenever something goes wrong his response was usually “Oh, Great! That’s just Swell! (Positif, Great, and Swell being major divisions on a pipe organ).

This same guy also had a large repertoire of dead baby and Helen Keller jokes, all of them pretty bad and corny.



Matrix Glitch
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23 Jun 2022, 11:45 am

Why did the chicken cross the park?

To get to the other slide.



MuddRM
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23 Jun 2022, 11:57 am

I started my life as a musician playing clarinet. I no longer play, no thanks to carpal tunnel syndrome (besides, I could move my voice faster than I could my fingers, so you can’t accuse my of having Roman fingers and Russian Hands.). The best advice I ever got from a fellow clarinetist (who was a longtime band director of Elizabethtown College) was “When in doubt, trill!”



Fnord
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23 Jun 2022, 12:48 pm

Q: What makes a dad joke a "Dad Joke?"

A: When the pun becomes apparent.


:wink: Hint: Say the answer out loud.



lostonearth35
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27 Jun 2022, 4:42 pm

A man walked into a bar. He lost the limbo contest.



Matrix Glitch
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30 Jun 2022, 3:02 pm

What's a grasshopper's favorite sport?



auntblabby
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30 Jun 2022, 6:06 pm

A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see
the "upturn".
"I think you mean the 'intern', don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"
"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination;
fraternity, maternity - what's the difference? All I know is I haven't
demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant
."



Fireblossom
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05 Jul 2022, 1:32 pm

Not sure if this counts, but in a story I'm reading I just came across a line I considered to be very funny:

"Sorry, I don't take deals from dead men. They have a bad habit of ghosting me when I ask them to pay up."



auntblabby
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05 Jul 2022, 5:57 pm

Once upon a time...

There was a very famous yogi who was known throughout the ancient world. He was famously ascetic, vowing never to wear shoes, which led him to have very tough leathery feet. He also undertook the training to only eat when food was offered to him. Because he would eat infrequently he became very thin and weak. And because he would often have to eat a lot when it came he got very bad breath. He became known throughout the land as the superfragilecallousfootedmysticwithexcessivehalitosis.



lostonearth35
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12 Jul 2022, 2:26 pm

There once was a man who had insomnia, dyslexia and was an atheist. He would be up all night long wondering if there really was a dog.



auntblabby
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13 Jul 2022, 12:15 am

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying
over Africa had a malfunction, and went down.
A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue
plane. They searched the area and found a tribe
of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the
tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the
crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the
crew was, the Chief replied,
"We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The
Rescue crew were shocked.

One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we
drank the Pepsi.
"

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank
the Pepsi
."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a
third asked, "Did you.. you
know...eat their...'things'??
"

The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "'THINGS' go better
with Coke
."



lostonearth35
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24 Jul 2022, 11:49 am

What did the pony say after he coughed?

"Excuse me, I'm a little...horse!"



lostonearth35
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24 Jul 2022, 11:51 am

^ Why was the pony a little horse? Because he had a colt in his head!



auntblabby
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25 Jul 2022, 12:41 am

GAMES TO PLAY WHEN YOU"RE OLD-

1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.