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Samuelm97
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27 May 2022, 9:09 am

Hi, I am a 25-year-old man with asperger syndrom and I didn´t experience any romantic relationship until now. I am just finishing my university and preparing to live alone and go daily to work. However I don´t want to stay alone forever. I thing asperger´s syndrom is the reason why I remained like that, because otherwise I am just a regular young man, I am not dirty or something like that, I study and work normally too. I have only few real friends, I have only 2 which I meet regularly like at least once a week and I face a large problem with new contacts, even with friends. I can just hang out with random people somewhere at a cottage or in a town, but I am not able to start talking with them about my serious problems or to ask them to meet with me again. Maybe I am just shy because I have been strongly bullied in the past for being asperger and I don´t have courage at all to ask some girl out because I am afraid of being rejected. I have also tried some dating sites, but that´s not for me, because there you get one respond out of 100 messages and I don´t have time for something like that. And in online chats, girls look only after sex and I want a real partner. A partner just like almost all my other friends and people I know have. A partner to live with, to share common interests and so on. Please can you help me somehow? I don´t want to live my life alone. Ps. if there is any young single asperger women here from Slovakia or Czechia, you can write me.



ToughDiamond
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27 May 2022, 10:43 am

I would say just focus on learning how to develop good friendships with people, and relationships should follow. Though figuring out how to develop good friendships could take a lot of work. I've never been very outgoing or proactive myself, being basically a very shy person, but I was lucky - I started playing music and that was a great social lubricant, and I happened to go and live in an area full of nice people.



Fnord
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27 May 2022, 10:46 am

With a population of over 60,000 people, I am surprised that you have not yet met someone special in your city.



Double Retired
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27 May 2022, 12:02 pm

I agree with much of what ToughDiamond said. I was unsuccessful in finding a spouse until I stopped looking for one and just looked for friends. (But, be a good friend! If a gal asks you for a reasonable favor it is probably to your advantage to do the favor for them—I don't mean rob a bank, or anything, but would it hurt you to help them move?)

However, I used humor as my social lubricant. I think a gentle, dry, unoffensive sense of humor can be very helpful. I personally found music useful as in taking a gal to a performance that we would both expect to enjoy. Restaurants and movies are also good...again, try to find ones you'd both enjoy.


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ASPartOfMe
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28 May 2022, 3:32 am

Welcome to Wrong Planet.
Speculation=mine:
You were bullied. That usually messes up peoples self esteem even long after the bullying has stopped. Other people can “read” a lack of self confidence and they usually find that unattractive. This is an all to common problem for autistic people.

There are probably other issues with your approach also but since I never met you I can not say what they are. Gaining acceptance of your autistic self is the foundation for mitigating these other issues. This takes time and their will invariably be setbacks. Hopefully conversing with us will help.


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ThisTimelessMoment
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28 May 2022, 3:41 am

^ this


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Earthbound_Alien
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28 May 2022, 3:53 am

no me either

they keep running away

I must be scary lol

except me neighbour....he is gorgeous sexy



Earthbound_Alien
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28 May 2022, 3:53 am

I'll peskie him later



ToughDiamond
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28 May 2022, 5:12 am

ASPartOfMe wrote:
You were bullied. That usually messes up peoples self esteem even long after the bullying has stopped. Other people can “read” a lack of self confidence and they usually find that unattractive. This is an all to common problem for autistic people.

I agree, and it's a rare woman who wouldn't be put off by a man who has low self-esteem pervading his entire nature. People tend to like those who behave confidently, especially if they're not brash and insensitive with it.

As finding a partner tends to feel extremely important, it's probably wiser to learn to just make friends first, which although not always easy, at least isn't quite so scary as fishing for a relationship. And hey, it's always possible that a woman who seems interested in taking it further will turn up in the friend list. If social confidence can be built up by starting in small, safe ways, the OP will be in a stronger position.

Some people are less judgemental than others. I've generally found socialists and "hippy types" are more likely to accept me, but it's not always been the case. It's also easier to try and stick to one-on-one social interactions. When I'm in a group of people I usually start feeling very "out of it" and I soon seem to get ignored, so that I come away feeling like I'm a complete social flop. Interacting with a group is often rather more complicated than one-on-one.

I think it's also useful to figure out what you want from a partner, what kind of woman would be likely to suit you best. It's tempting, out of loneliness, to clutch at the first one that comes along, regardless of likely compatibility issues, but it could lead to very bad experiences that will drive down the self-confidence, which is the last thing anybody needs if they're already struggling. And it can feel kind of morale-boosting to give yourself the "luxury" of noticing that you don't want just anybody, that you have the self-respect to expect somebody who will be reasonably suitable for you. I've heard men get criticised pretty heavily for being after "anything in a skirt."



jimmy m
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28 May 2022, 7:10 am

When I was in my middle 20s I decided to change course. When I went to high school, I went on a total of 2 dates (both with the same girl). In college, I might have gone on a few more. After I graduated and got a job, I tried to find a girl that I would someday marry. But nothing worked out. I think the last girl I dated we dated together for around 2 years and then she broke up with me. I decided THIS IS NOT WORKING. So I changed course.

I made a list of what I desired in a wife. I wrote the list down and then looked at how to meet my desires. Instead of looking at life from a little lens, I expanded my list of possible candidates to the entire world. THE WORLD IS A VERY BIG PLACE. As an Aspie I am an extreme introvert. Introverts have a very difficult time in making relationships. About half the people in the world are introverts and the other half are extroverts. There are many people who are introverts living in your home town but they are the stay at home type and many times they are difficult to find BECAUSE THEY STAY AT HOME.

My father had taken a trip overseas to the other side of the world where his parents were born. He had met a young girl there and asked for her address. When he returned back, he handed me the address and I wrote to her. After writing for a year, I traveled to the other side of the world and lived with her and her family for 6 weeks. I decided that she met my list of what I wanted in a wife, so I proposed to her. She accepted and after struggling with governments for a year, I was able to bring her home and marry her. We have been married for over 45 years and she has been the best wife in the world for me. We had two children who are now married and we now have 5 grandchildren.

So what advice can I give you.
1. The world is an very very large place and there are many girls that are available if you open your sphere.
2. One does not need to marry an Aspie. My wife is not. She is like my opposite. I am an extreme introvert. She is an extreme extrovert. Together we join the best of both worlds.


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Dear_one
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28 May 2022, 1:45 pm

There were two women I tried to pursue, but later realized that I would not have been happy with either of them, long-term. Over a dozen others found me. I wasn't playing "hard to get" deliberately, I was just doing interesting things, and they saw something they liked. However, they were not happy, long-term, even though I tried to not contradict their hopes. By the last, best relationship, I'd learned to speak up about disagreements before they became big problems for me, we parted as friends.
As for a business partner to let us both thrive on my talents, I never found one, just a few untalented aspirants.
There is also the matter of history to consider. Currently, humanity is highly stressed by overpopulation, leading to problematic gender relations. Also, you have twice as many female ancestors as males - many men just don't have children, while some have many. You might be happiest just devoting yourself to making the planet less hostile to the current residents. "The Family of Man" is short on hugs, but it also does not barf down your back, keep you up all night, or call from jail.



magz
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28 May 2022, 2:03 pm

 ! magz wrote:
Some of the posts have been removed.
No personal attacks, please. They are against the rules.


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magz
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28 May 2022, 2:06 pm

Personally: What does make you happy?
What are your interests?
The best way to meet people is through shared interests. It doesn't have to lead to a relationship but it may - and having good friends and doing what makes you happy are worth it for itself.


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autisticelders
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29 May 2022, 5:21 am

The most interesting people are those who do interesting things, share interesting ideas, are interested in others. I found all my relationships through shared interests and doing activities surrounding those interests. Follow your interests or find new ones that the kind of people you want to know do too. Sincere interest and self confidence in your knowledge and ability surrounding those interests will make you more attractive to others. Date yourself until the right one comes along, doing things you love and developing interests that get you involved in something else besides worrying about the future. Concentrate on finding fun and new possibilities and friendships and romance will follow. Look for other "outsiders" in any group to make faster connections. It is not as likely to get accepted into a group that has all known each other since childhood as it is to get accepted into a group of strangers, outcasts, outsiders, geeks and freaks or other newcomers. ( I might be using outdated terms, but that's my clan, I am 70 now). Best wishes.


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01 Jun 2022, 8:46 pm

Do your own thing. I don’t like one lady to be around me. Went to a women’s college that was just accepting males. 300 women, 3 guys. I felt comfortable. In Florida, I liked being around a dozen ladies. Just hanging out with the gals. I am not interested in anything romantic, just friends. They would hit on me, and I can’t see cuing. Relationships kind of scare me. Messes with my head. Being friends guarantees that you will attract many ladies. Natural selection works from there. Form a walking group. Hang out in places along the walk and talk on a subject. It’s easy, you will attract many ladies. I just am too afraid of anything intimate, messes with my head.



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03 Jun 2022, 2:39 am

Gets really scary and frightening, if you add being black/LGBTQ to that list. Just saying. I feel people in my category deserve the right to scream and be bitter, and cause plate tectonics lol, as I feel as a gay black autistic man, it's so difficult for me to find a boyfriend, and partner, and I hate being alone and single. I'm scared that this objective is going to be impossible, and I'm forever stuck to strictly dream about romantic relations.

I'm not even picky damn it, and if he's atypical himself or whatever. I just want love. Like a Nostalgia Critic type boyfriend I guess. Idk. I feel I don't know if me being single and alone is due to being autistic/black/gay or all three damn it. I don't know. Smh. I'm 31 now, so I feel the older I get, the more agitated and confused I get. But alas. Such is life I guess. lol.