I seem to have made a friend, then they're suddenly gone

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KitLily
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06 Jun 2022, 9:16 am

Does this happen to anyone else? I make a huge effort to make a friend- I make an effort to chat, be interested in them, not ramble on about myself, try to appear 'non weird', keep in touch regularly (but not suffocate them), do my absolute best to be a good friend.

But inevitably something goes wrong, I never understand what it is, and the friend suddenly moves on. There's no argument, nothing bad happens, I assume they just suddenly realise I'm weird/boring and drop me.

I am not 'alone', I have a husband and daughter, but I'd like some 'real life friends', not just internet ones. So I feel there is someone there in the real world to connect with. I come across brilliantly in writing and words. I must just seem weird in real life and put people off.

What do we do about this *sigh*


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shortfatbalduglyman
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06 Jun 2022, 10:37 am

Not everyone finds the same thing "boring" or "weird"

"Weird" is not necessarily a bad thing, although it has a negative connotation

Connotation versus denotation

"Interesting" is not always a good thing

Friendship has to be consensual. If someone doesn't want to be your friend, they don't have to

When I was in high school and college, sometimes it seemed like I made new friends and then they disappeared without telling me anything

For a long time I have given up on trying to make "friends"

39, single , zero children

"Life" goes on and on and on and on


When you first meet someone you don't know how they will act in a different situation, and every situation is different

Often someone is all (buddy buddy) until they (correctly or wrongly) think I did something wrong. Then they are like (Dr Jekyll and Mister Hyde?

I am not perfect or awesome in any way

Sometimes (1) it appeared that I did something, but things are not always the way they appear (2) not all impacts are immediate obvious physical or visible. They might think something is bad or wrong, but they are not always correct (3). Is it bad enough to justify their response

Besides precious lil "people" do things I find bad and wrong frequently but I almost never say anything (because I am afraid they might take out revenge on my worthless corpse)



KitLily
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06 Jun 2022, 11:29 am

I'm not sure what to make of your comment so I'll just say 'thanks for replying' :)


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babybird
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11 Jun 2022, 1:46 pm

I dunno.

I'm quite neglectful in friendships to be honest. I usually have no problems making friends and I don't really feel like i have to put much effort in but then I just drift away without reason. Its not even that I find anything else to move onto.

I don't think I'm unique in this so maybe you keep befriending people who are like me. If that is so then try not to take it personal. It's not your fault.



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11 Jun 2022, 2:53 pm

We try too much, or too little.
Or both.

/Mats


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Jakki
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11 Jun 2022, 3:18 pm

Well having had a huge variety of relationships …… am no longer apt to go out of my ways to seek out friends .
But when I do , I listen a lot . And listen and then verify things with the person as to their meaning . Which can be revealing . And once in a great while , I might ghost someone , if I can perceive possible future problems .
Sometimes , I have taken too long to do this and the results have came up very poorly. Which can lead to sadness sometimes.


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Edna3362
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11 Jun 2022, 6:30 pm

I don't consider people I interact at such stage as friends yet.
Perhaps you're trying to befriend one of those people who are likely just like me.

To me, they're amiable acquaintances; yet to get attached to, yet to get to know better, yet to get involve deeper than just chatting around.
Even if doing it for years long, and in more frequent and closer proximity.

Maybe it's this out-of-sync states of attachment between two people.

Usually I'm at the networking/boredom end instead of relationship seeking end -- I'm asocial to the core, my standards are different, I also have a lot of things to mind, and I genuinely can't track THAT many people in life and whatever's going on with their life.

In short I'm just gorged out on socialization in more ways than one.

Anyways, I don't just ghost individuals.
I even ghost entire groups for a variety of reasons and I'm able to make an indefinite long excuses to go about.


In the end, it's very likely not your fault.


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Bandarond
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12 Jun 2022, 3:29 am

Yeah I can't stand ghosting, makes me feel a bit worthless. I guess I also feel invisible in social situations so when someone takes an interest in me, I tend to take an interest in them :D . This is my first post (I think) on Wrong Planet, I just need to find my crew, people that make you feel like you're not alone in the world, you know? Ever feel alone in a crowded room? I feel it all the time, spectators to this social game of life.



Jakki
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12 Jun 2022, 10:45 am

Welcome to Wrong Planet Bandarond . Hope as you wonder about WP you might find threads that interest you
That do not require the social pressures of establishing a direct friendship. As opposed to initially having acquaintances. .? perhaps a benefit that the internet has brought. But I think many visitors to this planet ,take things as they feel good about. :mrgreen:


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KitLily
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12 Jun 2022, 11:34 am

babybird wrote:
I dunno.

I'm quite neglectful in friendships to be honest. I usually have no problems making friends and I don't really feel like i have to put much effort in but then I just drift away without reason. Its not even that I find anything else to move onto.

I don't think I'm unique in this so maybe you keep befriending people who are like me. If that is so then try not to take it personal. It's not your fault.


Maybe I do. I wish I could change it though because I'm 53, surely I should have a group of friends *by now*. Instead of wandering around with an interaction here, an interaction there. It's very lonely and tiring.

Thanks though.


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KitLily
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12 Jun 2022, 11:44 am

Bandarond wrote:
Yeah I can't stand ghosting, makes me feel a bit worthless. I guess I also feel invisible in social situations so when someone takes an interest in me, I tend to take an interest in them :D . This is my first post (I think) on Wrong Planet, I just need to find my crew, people that make you feel like you're not alone in the world, you know? Ever feel alone in a crowded room? I feel it all the time, spectators to this social game of life.


That is me exactly: invisible. The wife, the mum, the daughter. Not a person. I'm astounded when anyone pays attention to me. I've learned the lesson that it puts them off if I'm grateful and over enthusiastic, so I try and stay detached if anyone is interested in me.

I'm wearing out though. I'm 53. I should have found my people *by now*, I'm far too old to still be looking.

I'm the spectator, just like you. Behind a glass wall, watching everyone else enjoying their lives with their groups of friends, supported and loved. :?


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I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


mohsart
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13 Jun 2022, 5:11 am

KitLily wrote:
I'm astounded when anyone pays attention to me. I've learned the lesson that it puts them off if I'm grateful and over enthusiastic, so I try and stay detached if anyone is interested in me.

Yep, me too, exactly so.
Which is the problem.
We show interest - they get intimidated, scared, or something.
So we loosen our shown interest - they think we don't care about them.
It so happens that we share some interests with them, and we discuss them - they think we're fake.
We show that we actually know what we're talking about - they think we're show offs.
We want to help them - they think we're romantically interested.
We wait for them to ask for help - they think we're unhelpful.
and so on...

/Mats


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KitLily
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13 Jun 2022, 9:37 am

mohsart wrote:
Yep, me too, exactly so.
Which is the problem.
We show interest - they get intimidated, scared, or something.
So we loosen our shown interest - they think we don't care about them.
It so happens that we share some interests with them, and we discuss them - they think we're fake.
We show that we actually know what we're talking about - they think we're show offs.
We want to help them - they think we're romantically interested.
We wait for them to ask for help - they think we're unhelpful.
and so on...

/Mats


Yes, we're always on a different wavelength to everyone else, it seems. I get the show off thing all the blooming time! I'm just stating facts or discussing a subject, then suddenly I'm labelled big headed, abrupt, bossy, or whatever. Why can't we all just get along...

Although with help from other autists, I worked out that neurotypical people take *everything* personally. If we ask a question, they think we have some ulterior motive. If we state a fact, they think we're undermining them or correcting them. *Everything* is a personal attack on them. It must be very tiring living like that!


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Sailon
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15 Jun 2022, 11:57 am

KitLily wrote:
Does this happen to anyone else?


Yup. This happens to me as well, and I am confused as to why.



KitLily
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16 Jun 2022, 10:20 am

Sailon wrote:
KitLily wrote:
Does this happen to anyone else?


Yup. This happens to me as well, and I am confused as to why.


Perhaps we should have a club of people like us and be friends like that!


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I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


SpaceMartian
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29 Jul 2022, 9:16 pm

Well to be truly friends with someone, you both need to have similar interest and opinions. I have 0 knowledge about "how to make friends" and such, but I now that I'm probably doing none by looking at random people in the bar or in the town square. I don't need lots of friends yet I'm happy with my social life (even if I have no friends close to my age). Some have always been around, others I met at the aerodrome (sharing a hobby, having same interests as me and of course more chances of being like-minded). Of course I don't get along with everyone there, but I do with most.

The definition of friend is also a bit of a delicated topic, calling someone a friend is a big deal for me. Usually I don't look for them, I do what I love and wild like-minded people appear in places where your hobby is practised or celebrated. Others may be put in the way by life, studies or work. In any case, I guess I'm lucky I don't have to look for friends and have no such need. Too bad its safe to assume within 30 years most of my social circle will be in a wooden box. I guess that's how age differences work.