I seem to have made a friend, then they're suddenly gone

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KitLily
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31 Jul 2022, 4:12 am

Yes, I decided I'm the first in my family. I'm making a fresh start.

I think either you are the last of your family with nice people before you but you are the final one.

Or you are the middle of your family, surrounded by loving, supportive relatives.

Or you are the first of your family, with no supportive or loving people before you. You have to start from the beginning, so that is me.


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kraftiekortie
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31 Jul 2022, 6:44 am

There you go!



cyberdad
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31 Jul 2022, 6:55 am

KitLily wrote:
I'm wearing out though. I'm 53. I should have found my people *by now*, I'm far too old to still be looking.


I'm 54 (55 in 3 months) and one thing I've observed is that in my 20s it was easy to make friends (even female ones) but now it's impossible (and I have a wife and a daughter too). Younger people see me as invisible as they can't relate to older people. Also our opinions don't matter to them. Older people are too set in their ways and don't want to accommodate their routines by having a new friend.

I'm happy to live the rest of my live friendless, It honestly doesn't bother me.



KitLily
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31 Jul 2022, 7:23 am

cyberdad wrote:
I'm 54 (55 in 3 months) and one thing I've observed is that in my 20s it was easy to make friends (even female ones) but now it's impossible (and I have a wife and a daughter too). Younger people see me as invisible as they can't relate to older people. Also our opinions don't matter to them. Older people are too set in their ways and don't want to accommodate their routines by having a new friend.

I'm happy to live the rest of my live friendless, It honestly doesn't bother me.


I think you are correct in your first paragraph. It is impossible to make friends in our 50s. People have set their friendship groups by now and there is no admittance to strangers. And to be noticed these days you have to be really, really, really extroverted/ talented/ energetic because there are so many humans now that you have to really stand out.

The trouble is, the population is aging, there are loads and loads of old people so we aren't special. Old people are everywhere and boring. There are very few young people so they are interesting and unique.

The Western population pyramid is an inverted triangle, which is abnormal i.e. there are loads of old people at the top, and hardly any young people at the bottom. Whereas the normal population pyramid should be a triangle with the point upwards i.e. lots of young people and a few older ones at the top.

I would like some friends, or at least a group who knows and loves me. I don't want to be isolated, invisible, unloved. But it seems that is my destiny. On my deathbed I'll be saying 'meh. What was the point of my life then?' :shrug:


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KitLily
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31 Jul 2022, 10:43 am

I've also been wondering if I yearn for friends because I am female and it is simple biology.

Male humans are designed to be the hunter: solitary, competitive, independent. I don't know many men who have a close group of friends. They more likely have drinking buddies; sport fan buddies; work buddies.

Female humans are designed to be the gatherer: co-operative, working together, functioning better as a group. That's what's lacking these days.

In today's capitalist society, everyone is encouraged to compete; focus on individual goals; try and outperform everyone else.

I wonder if that sort of society suits men better. Or maybe women are just becoming men: competing, solitary, individual.

That just doesn't work for me, I've discovered. I need supportive friends.


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kraftiekortie
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31 Jul 2022, 12:01 pm

I absolutely don’t agree that older people are boring, uninteresting, etc.

My 88-year-old mother, even though she can barely get around, is very interesting, and has a wealth of life experience.

We’ve never gotten along—but I’m sure she can readily make friends with people. She’s not autistic—but she is “neurodiverse.”



Twilightprincess
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31 Jul 2022, 12:25 pm

KitLily wrote:
I've also been wondering if I yearn for friends because I am female and it is simple biology.


I'm female and I don't yearn for friends.

I think our personal preferences in this regard depend more on personality and culture than evolutionary biology.


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KitLily
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31 Jul 2022, 3:53 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I absolutely don’t agree that older people are boring, uninteresting, etc.

My 88-year-old mother, even though she can barely get around, is very interesting, and has a wealth of life experience.


I meant that old people are boring, uninteresting etc. in the eyes of society and the world, because there are so many of them and so they aren't seen as new and exciting.

I prefer talking to old people because they are better conversationalists, but I definitely don't represent the mainstream view.


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cyberdad
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01 Aug 2022, 2:57 am

KitLily wrote:
That just doesn't work for me, I've discovered. I need supportive friends.


Being supportive takes a lot of energy. I honestly couldn't see myself supporting another person as I already have a spouse/child/dog who need my time.

I think some people don't mind making friends in later life (I am sure there are online platforms where you can meet other females who want friends) but they are likely "fairweather" friends and wouldn't want to invest in you when you are going through a bad patch. Those long term friends need to have spent a long time with you before they commit.



cyberdad
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01 Aug 2022, 3:01 am

KitLily wrote:
I prefer talking to old people because they are better conversationalists, but I definitely don't represent the mainstream view.


Young people may not be wise or have lots of life experience but they are innovative, creative, funny, enthusiastic and have lots of energy and time. When you join a club or an association of likeminded people I I think you will have just as much fun with the "youngins"

For me I have had equally good conversations with all ages. Even little kids! my neighbor's 3 year old was showing me his glow in the dark sword in my front yard which he says keeps him safe from monsters while he guards his father's chickens. To me that's just as interesting as hearing some old dude talk about war stories.



KitLily
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01 Aug 2022, 11:31 am

cyberdad wrote:
KitLily wrote:
That just doesn't work for me, I've discovered. I need supportive friends.


Being supportive takes a lot of energy. I honestly couldn't see myself supporting another person as I already have a spouse/child/dog who need my time.


It sure does! I've spent my life in caring jobs in schools, colleges, charities, then devoted my life to my daughter and husband, always putting myself at the back of the queue. I've also supported friends over the last 3 decades of course. I'm completely worn out, I feel like I've run a marathon. I wonder when it'll be my turn to be supported...I suppose when I'm elderly in a nursing home?

Looking back, I should have studied hard for a well paid career and only given a bit of my caring energy to other people. I like the sound of that lifestyle.


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I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


Last edited by KitLily on 01 Aug 2022, 11:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

KitLily
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01 Aug 2022, 11:40 am

cyberdad wrote:
Young people may not be wise or have lots of life experience but they are innovative, creative, funny, enthusiastic and have lots of energy and time. When you join a club or an association of likeminded people I I think you will have just as much fun with the "youngins"


Ah, the Catch 22 of online life! I politely agree with someone that young people are better, and others tell me that old people are better. I politely agree with someone that old people are better, and others tell me that young people are better.

“You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.”

:lol: :lol:


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kraftiekortie
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01 Aug 2022, 1:20 pm

All in all, it matters what the individual person is like----rather than how old the person is.

Sort of along the lines of "age is just a number."



KitLily
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01 Aug 2022, 1:36 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
All in all, it matters what the individual person is like----rather than how old the person is.

Sort of along the lines of "age is just a number."


Yes, I wish people would stop trying to pin me down to say whether I like A or B or C or D!

If I say 'I like A,' people ask, 'but don't you like B?' So I say, 'yes I like B.' Then people ask, 'but what about A, you said you liked A?'

Aaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh! It's called having a pleasant conversation, not giving evidence in a court of law. :roll:


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kraftiekortie
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01 Aug 2022, 1:41 pm

Glad you had a nice lunch in the mall....

That's right. We're amongst people living lives----not people subject to examinations.



KitLily
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01 Aug 2022, 1:46 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Glad you had a nice lunch in the mall.....


You are stalking me. :lol:

Thanks :D It was such a lovely day. Me and my husband went round together being silly, our daughter and her friend went round together being silly. It is sooooooo long since we went round as a couple without worrying what our daughter was doing. Does she need a drink? Does she need the toilet? Is she tired/bored/sick/hungry etc? Instead we could just relax while she and her friend looked after each other.


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I am here for interesting, meaningful discussions and thoughtful, rewarding conversations. I very quickly lose interest in long, drawn-out arguments.
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I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.