I seem to have made a friend, then they're suddenly gone

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SpaceMartian
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01 Aug 2022, 8:31 pm

KitLily wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
I'm 54 (55 in 3 months) and one thing I've observed is that in my 20s it was easy to make friends (even female ones) but now it's impossible (and I have a wife and a daughter too). Younger people see me as invisible as they can't relate to older people. Also our opinions don't matter to them. Older people are too set in their ways and don't want to accommodate their routines by having a new friend.

I'm happy to live the rest of my live friendless, It honestly doesn't bother me.


I think you are correct in your first paragraph. It is impossible to make friends in our 50s. People have set their friendship groups by now and there is no admittance to strangers. And to be noticed these days you have to be really, really, really extroverted/ talented/ energetic because there are so many humans now that you have to really stand out.

The trouble is, the population is aging, there are loads and loads of old people so we aren't special. Old people are everywhere and boring. There are very few young people so they are interesting and unique.

The Western population pyramid is an inverted triangle, which is abnormal i.e. there are loads of old people at the top, and hardly any young people at the bottom. Whereas the normal population pyramid should be a triangle with the point upwards i.e. lots of young people and a few older ones at the top.

I would like some friends, or at least a group who knows and loves me. I don't want to be isolated, invisible, unloved. But it seems that is my destiny. On my deathbed I'll be saying 'meh. What was the point of my life then?' :shrug:


I don't know about this... I'm in my early-mid 20s and have 1 friend of my age that I see once every 6 months or so. In the last year I've made friends with some people at the aerodrome, the ages... 50 to 74. I'll say that again, 50 to 74. They had no problem accommodating me in their lives, but then look at them... How many people you know flying their plane every week while in their 70's, doing all the maintenance, keeping with new regulations... this people like challenges, some afternoon TV does not cut it for them as it does for the vast vast majority.

All I want to say is that boring people that can't be bothered with anything new in their lives (apart from a bigger TV, a new phone and a new car) is someone better of your life. Subconsciously we adapt to our close peers, and as times goes by, you "borrow" traits and become more like those around you, knowing that... who do you want close to you? Some guy/girl eager to retire so he/she can get some more TV time, waiting for their death to get there? Or someone interested in living life at its fullest, pursuing their passion and making the most of it? You can find the former nearly everywhere, and most likely won't get you as a friend. You can find the latter in any hobbyist event, at weekends in certain places and very rarely on their sofa.
Age is just a number, nothing more, many of those young people do what society says they "have to", go party, get drunk, find a partner. But most of them aren't worth a penny, for me those worth having around are those who won't do like the other 99.9% of the herd, manly because those are the one with a bit of a brain, a bit of action in their lives and interest in general. With the plague that social media has become, I'd argue that's actually easier to find worthy 50s and older people than it is to find young people, as most are brainwashed, and live their live through a phone screen, sadly. (not a music fan, actually don't like it nor listen to it, but as mentioned in some tech forum, "Lonely generation" has some lyrics which describe this dumbphone issue quite well, it's always interesting to see how this omnipresent issue is discussed here and there but never gathers any attention)



KitLily
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02 Aug 2022, 4:39 am

That was quite a long comment, can you summarise it, SpaceMartian? I envy you, you seem to be young, footloose and fancy free, not tied down by anything.

I basically need to move house. I've been stuck here being the good wife and mother, keeping everything nice and stable for my family, for far too long. Plus having strange health issues which prevent me from doing anything too exciting. But in 2 years time we will hopefully be moving somewhere with more people and life and opportunities to meet new friends. I can't wait. I've wasted my life staying in this tiny, cliquey village. But those around me have thrived thanks to me.


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SpaceMartian
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02 Aug 2022, 8:04 pm

KitLily wrote:
That was quite a long comment, can you summarise it, SpaceMartian?


Summarise it? Ok, 4 points (plus a bonus).

- 95% of individuals you'll encounter are boring -> can be found everywhere -> they just let pass time -> won't be bothered to incorporate you in their live -> You don't want them either.

- 5% of individuals do have a passion -> usually found at hobbyist conventions, competitions and similar -> if you share their passion, they'll welcome you -> You want this sort of people

- Remember, you'll borrow traits from those close to you so stay away from who you do not want to resemble, befriend those who have traits you'd like to have.

- Usually, you do what you are passionate about, then like minded people tend to pop out, doing something in order to do friends usually does NOT work as no true passion is present.

- Bonus: Because of how we perceive time and "store" memories, it's thought having new experiences allow you to feel like you have lived for significantly longer than elsewhere, so find what things you can do, even RIGHT NOW and try. Whatevere it is you like and has a club closeby.

KitLily wrote:
I envy you, you seem to be young, footloose and fancy free, not tied down by anything.


About me: I am young in age, not footlose, I'm cautious about everything but I won't give a damn about what I'm "supossed to do" or what others think. An empty wallet keeps me tied quite a bit more than I'd like. Hopefully that won't be the case for long.



KitLily
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03 Aug 2022, 2:44 am

SpaceMartian wrote:
KitLily wrote:
That was quite a long comment, can you summarise it, SpaceMartian?


Summarise it? Ok, 4 points (plus a bonus).

- 95% of individuals you'll encounter are boring -> can be found everywhere -> they just let pass time -> won't be bothered to incorporate you in their live -> You don't want them either.

- 5% of individuals do have a passion -> usually found at hobbyist conventions, competitions and similar -> if you share their passion, they'll welcome you -> You want this sort of people

- Remember, you'll borrow traits from those close to you so stay away from who you do not want to resemble, befriend those who have traits you'd like to have.

- Usually, you do what you are passionate about, then like minded people tend to pop out, doing something in order to do friends usually does NOT work as no true passion is present.

- Bonus: Because of how we perceive time and "store" memories, it's thought having new experiences allow you to feel like you have lived for significantly longer than elsewhere, so find what things you can do, even RIGHT NOW and try. Whatevere it is you like and has a club closeby.


Thanks, that is much clearer!

At least I'm doing what I'm passionate about. So far the like minded people are online only, but maybe that'll change :idea:

Have you tried freelancing? That can be well paid :)


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SpaceMartian
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03 Aug 2022, 11:23 am

KitLily wrote:
Thanks, that is much clearer!

At least I'm doing what I'm passionate about. So far the like minded people are online only, but maybe that'll change :idea:

Have you tried freelancing? That can be well paid :)


It takes change for things to change, being a bit selfish and "forcing" your family to take you to some convention of that thing you like or letting them for some days and going by yourself may be a very good idea

No freelancing for me, I've worked my a** off basically forever, working by myself, starting a company, back at uni at the team... but I have NEVER been payed apropiately. I'm done dealing with people, I want to live as well and make something that allow me to fill my gas tank for once. Pretty much anyone else my age with no formation or abilities maka more in a month worknig in a bar or whatever than I do in a year. I'm done. People == Bastards, and I'm burnend out of them.



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03 Aug 2022, 11:33 am

SpaceMartian wrote:
It takes change for things to change, being a bit selfish and "forcing" your family to take you to some convention of that thing you like or letting them for some days and going by yourself may be a very good idea


That sounds lovely but I don't think my health is up to that. It would take a miracle of planning for me to travel anywhere. I suppose that's half my problem tbh :( Unless they can actually physically take me somewhere. I just need to move house to a bigger, more lively town where they hold more events, I guess.

SpaceMartian wrote:
No freelancing for me, I've worked my a** off basically forever, working by myself, starting a company, back at uni at the team... but I have NEVER been payed apropiately. I'm done dealing with people, I want to live as well and make something that allow me to fill my gas tank for once. Pretty much anyone else my age with no formation or abilities maka more in a month worknig in a bar or whatever than I do in a year. I'm done. People == Bastards, and I'm burnend out of them.


I don't really deal with people in person, my clients are all online. I've never even seen them or spoken to them. I'm an editor btw, they send me their work, I edit it and they pay me.

I wouldn't work in a bar if I were you, it's an awful job. Hopefully you can find something more suitable.


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Blue_Star
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03 Aug 2022, 11:44 am

I may be off base, but have you considered moving while the kids are in school? Larger towns & cities often have larger school, which in turn tend to offer more programs & opportunities than smaller schools can. If there are programs there that aren't available where you currently live, could you have the kids look thru them to see if any of them are interesting? It really might be worth moving now, if they're open to it.

When I got to high school I got to choose between some of the local smaller private schools vs the big public high school. I went public because it offered many more things I was interested in than the private schools did. It went higher in math, had computer programming, offered more foreign language, had more options for composition classes, etc.



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03 Aug 2022, 3:17 pm

Blue_Star wrote:
I may be off base, but have you considered moving while the kids are in school? Larger towns & cities often have larger school, which in turn tend to offer more programs & opportunities than smaller schools can. If there are programs there that aren't available where you currently live, could you have the kids look thru them to see if any of them are interesting? It really might be worth moving now, if they're open to it.


I suppose we could have moved but our daughter is autistic too and it would be a huge upheaval. Plus there is my husband's job and his family nearby, so he wants to stay near those. And my health problems which make me very tired. I'm trying to stick it out 2 more years til daughter is an adult and move then.

Thanks for your kind thoughts though :)


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04 Aug 2022, 8:02 am

I think what scares me the most about having no friends is: what will happen to me if my husband dies before me? Our daughter will hopefully be grown up living her own life and I'll be alone with no friends or family. It is a very scary thought.


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SpaceMartian
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04 Aug 2022, 8:11 pm

KitLily wrote:
I wouldn't work in a bar if I were you, it's an awful job. Hopefully you can find something more suitable.


I've said it as an example, I'm not as suicidal as to even think of applying to a bar.



SpaceMartian
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04 Aug 2022, 8:18 pm

KitLily wrote:
I think what scares me the most about having no friends is: what will happen to me if my husband dies before me? Our daughter will hopefully be grown up living her own life and I'll be alone with no friends or family. It is a very scary thought.


No decent human would ever leave his/her mother unless she behaved like a cruel soulless monster.

About the moving thing, I don't know about your health issues or were you live but I'm from a small town and sure as heck I don't want to be in a city or a bigger town. Not in a billion years, I have all I need and more here. But that's for me, with a driver's license and a car so I can move around and go places without a probem, if I couldn't get anywhere... Heck, I'd probably still prefer the town to be honest.



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05 Aug 2022, 1:57 am

SpaceMartian wrote:
KitLily wrote:
I wouldn't work in a bar if I were you, it's an awful job. Hopefully you can find something more suitable.


I've said it as an example, I'm not as suicidal as to even think of applying to a bar.


That's a relief! Bars are terrible places.


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Last edited by KitLily on 05 Aug 2022, 2:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

KitLily
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05 Aug 2022, 2:04 am

SpaceMartian wrote:
KitLily wrote:
I think what scares me the most about having no friends is: what will happen to me if my husband dies before me? Our daughter will hopefully be grown up living her own life and I'll be alone with no friends or family. It is a very scary thought.


No decent human would ever leave his/her mother unless she behaved like a cruel soulless monster.

About the moving thing, I don't know about your health issues or were you live but I'm from a small town and sure as heck I don't want to be in a city or a bigger town. Not in a billion years, I have all I need and more here. But that's for me, with a driver's license and a car so I can move around and go places without a probem, if I couldn't get anywhere... Heck, I'd probably still prefer the town to be honest.


That's the thing: I've more or less escaped my mother because she's cruel and unpredictable. However, I don't want my daughter tied down to me, I want her to live her life happily and independently without feeling she is obligated to be my nursemaid.

I live in a small village however. Everyone is interrelated to each other, they don't welcome 'strangers' and not much happens. People are either interrelated and have lived here for generations, or they are very posh and do things that cost a lot. I don't fit either group. I rarely have use of the car and since the pandemic I don't really drive anymore. I've tried every local group and nothing has worked out. I am going to move back to my home area, a small town, where I know where to go and what to do. I can go to events on foot there. I've lived in London, which was fun for a while, I've lived in a small village, which isn't fun, so a small town is a nice middle ground.


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KitLily
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07 Aug 2022, 10:22 am

I've come to the conclusion that this type of 'friend' was:

Either using me to get over a period of boredom in their lives- like a stopgap friend.

Or they just wanted to get to know me for whatever reason but found out I wasn't very interesting/ not the person they thought I was or they wanted me to be. e.g. they thought I was outgoing but I'm actually introverted. Or maybe they thought I was rich with lots of social connections but I'm actually pretty poor with no connections.

The real life 'friend' I was referring to in the title is around on social media, posting photos of herself with other friends. I suppose she just lost interest in me. :shrug:

I am going to use the principal of Reciprocity: if they regularly contact me, I'll regularly contact them. If they start slipping away, I'll start slipping away. And so on.


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07 Aug 2022, 11:06 pm

It can also be that that person found a side of you or find something that that person doesn't like about you or that person just got bored of the conversation and then just left. I have done that myself plenty of times with some other forum like 5+ years ago. There was no tension between me and that person. People have done that to me also. I just don't take that personally.

I think the best way to make friends is just keep going out to a social events or just anywhere you want. For me, I use to go to chess club every Saturday and I found new friends. If I stop going to the social events of that organization, sometimes, I just won't hear from them again until I go to that organization event again. I would suggest to just be best version of yourself. The people that like you will come to you. All my current friends are like that. Once in a while, I find very good friends. I try to be reciprocal with them too. Reciprocality is a very important concept. If they really want you to be in their life, they will suggest that you be active in setting up events with him/her. For me, when I come up with my own meaning to relate what they are talking about, the message can get very confusing to them. I try my best to be as clear as possible.



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09 Aug 2022, 5:48 am

SilverSulf wrote:
It can also be that that person found a side of you or find something that that person doesn't like about you or that person just got bored of the conversation and then just left. I have done that myself plenty of times with some other forum like 5+ years ago. There was no tension between me and that person. People have done that to me also. I just don't take that personally.

I think the best way to make friends is just keep going out to a social events or just anywhere you want. For me, I use to go to chess club every Saturday and I found new friends. If I stop going to the social events of that organization, sometimes, I just won't hear from them again until I go to that organization event again. I would suggest to just be best version of yourself. The people that like you will come to you. All my current friends are like that. Once in a while, I find very good friends. I try to be reciprocal with them too. Reciprocality is a very important concept. If they really want you to be in their life, they will suggest that you be active in setting up events with him/her. For me, when I come up with my own meaning to relate what they are talking about, the message can get very confusing to them. I try my best to be as clear as possible.


That is all useful advice but I'm afraid I've done all that. I'm getting tired of trying tbh. Trying and trying and trying and trying. When I was young my friendship group stuck together through thick and thin, now days it's too easy to give up if someone doesn't please you 100%, and fly away to find other friends.

I've just basically come to the conclusion that it's too hard to make friends. I also have a very limited range of things I can do because of my weird health problems.

Oh well. We can't have everything in life. One husband and one daughter will have to be enough for me. And friends online I suppose. C'est la vie.


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