I seem to have made a friend, then they're suddenly gone

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Pteranomom
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30 Jul 2022, 1:43 am

I'm not convinced that friends exist the way they are portrayed in books or screens. I think people have friends by having hobbies in common or because they see each other regularly. For example, I see my neighbor often when we are both out, and then we chat. I like gardening and have a friend who runs garden events that I attend. Before covid, I had friends at synagogue. But I don't have friends who just hang out without something we're doing. I just don't think that's real.



KitLily
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30 Jul 2022, 5:42 am

Pteranomom wrote:
I'm not convinced that friends exist the way they are portrayed in books or screens. I think people have friends by having hobbies in common or because they see each other regularly. For example, I see my neighbor often when we are both out, and then we chat. I like gardening and have a friend who runs garden events that I attend. Before covid, I had friends at synagogue. But I don't have friends who just hang out without something we're doing. I just don't think that's real.


I don't know if you're right, I see groups of friends with each other all the time. Maybe they did meet via hobby groups.

My daughter has a group of friends she met at school. My husband has a group of friends at work, and at his two hobby groups.

I tried to join hobby groups but only made friends with 1 person from them. That's better than nothing I suppose but I'd love a group of 4-6 friends to go out with.


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30 Jul 2022, 8:23 am

I have learned not to rely too much on other people.

People usually make friends because of common interests, or are within common situations (e.g., work, school). I haven’t had a “friend” at work in years. I don’t feel the “social pull” which drives folks to go to parties or to just gossip.

I have no particular objection to parties or gossip—I just don’t feel the attraction to them.

I’m sorry you’re lamenting so.



KitLily
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30 Jul 2022, 9:30 am

It is unbelievably sad that humans find it so hard to make friends these days. Most people I know online have few or no friends in real life.

Homo sapien is a social animal. It is a normal, built-in drive for humans to socialise. I wonder what is happening to the human race. I suspect it is overcrowding of the planet. The more humans there are, the more competitive we become, and competition does not lead to friendship.

It is a very sad situation.


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kraftiekortie
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30 Jul 2022, 9:35 am

I’m very much not a “social animal”…yet I am at least superficially friendly to people.

I feel bad you are lamenting. Makes me wish I could help you get those 4-6 friends so you could have a network of caring.



KitLily
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30 Jul 2022, 11:12 am

Really we need a good 'dating app' for making friends. However I have tried those and they don't really work.


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30 Jul 2022, 11:23 am

usually am kinda amazed if i make a friend . And even moreso, if they wish to to hang around based on friendship . But if we are willing to make time for each other, Generally try to bring things that might cross over into the others person interests . Sometimes common interests and understandings gets more mileage out of a friendship.


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shortfatbalduglyman
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30 Jul 2022, 11:48 am

This might be a separate topic, but some people go ahead around calling everyone "friend" or "amigo".

Not everyone defines "friend" the same way

Not everyone wants or needs the same quantity or quality of "friends"



KitLily
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30 Jul 2022, 12:38 pm

Jakki wrote:
usually am kinda amazed if i make a friend . And even moreso, if they wish to to hang around based on friendship . But if we are willing to make time for each other, Generally try to bring things that might cross over into the others person interests . Sometimes common interests and understandings gets more mileage out of a friendship.


Yes I'm amazed if I do.

I think the main problem is that I've been living in a tiny, cliquey village for 20+ years and I've just run out of options. People are either posh and rich, or they were born here and their families have lived here for generations. I'm neither of those. I'm a 'weird newcomer' and that isn't ever going to change.

Not much happens around here and I don't really drive anymore so I don't go anywhere. I'm just bored stupid with this village and looking forward to moving house in a couple of years.


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KitLily
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30 Jul 2022, 12:38 pm

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
This might be a separate topic, but some people go ahead around calling everyone "friend" or "amigo".


I know someone like that. And the result is that he has lots of friends and he's very popular!

Food for thought eh!


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kraftiekortie
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30 Jul 2022, 12:58 pm

A friend doesn’t have to be a “best friend.”

A friend could be one other people call an “acquaintance.”

It’s cool to have someone you say Hi to…..but you don’t feel any pressure to go any further.



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30 Jul 2022, 1:23 pm

I like to have friends who don't bother me. Like I can go for days or months or years and then if I need them they are there still.



KitLily
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30 Jul 2022, 2:03 pm

This is the thing though. Friends who are there when you need them.

I was very ill when pregnant and couldn't go out much. I needed my friends. Just someone to pop round and see how I was, maybe make me a cup of tea, have a chat and a laugh. There wasn't anyone.

My daughter was very ill for most of primary school. I needed help and advice, maybe someone just to look after her for a couple of hours while I actually got some sleep. There wasn't anyone.

Even before I got married, I wish I'd had a hen party, had some fun. There wasn't anyone.

I wish I'd had a baby shower before I had my baby, chatted about what to expect with a new baby. There wasn't anyone.

Those are the normal, everyday things I missed out on. Everyone else seems to have had these normal, everyday things however :shrug:


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I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


kraftiekortie
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30 Jul 2022, 2:14 pm

I can definitely sympathize, KitLily.

I went a long time before somebody “came through” for me.

I’m really sorry nobody was there for you during the tough times. It would have been nice if you had a stalwart friend during those times.

Most definitely.



KitLily
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30 Jul 2022, 2:25 pm

Well it definitely helps pouring my heart out to people online, thanks to everyone :heart:

My husband did his best to help me but he had to work full time and do almost everything in the home, he is only one person and we needed more people.

It has made me determined to make sure my daughter has good friends and sticks with them. And if she wants a hen party and a baby shower, she will have them. And I'll try my best to help her if she has a baby.

My own mum was far too jealous and angry to organise anything nice like those events for me, or even be there when I was pregnant or looking after a sick child. She is a scary, unpredictable woman.


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I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


kraftiekortie
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30 Jul 2022, 3:42 pm

Those are the best types of Mums: those who did not get the best from THEIR mums.

And those who go beyond the abuse.