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IsabellaLinton
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22 Jun 2022, 9:10 pm

Does anyone else have the responsibility of caring for infirm parents at the same time as (single) parenting?

I know this is a normal life stage for people my age, but being Autistic / ADHD and in burnout makes everything so much harder. My mother and I don't live together. She's widowed and lives alone but she's been very ill in hospital for nearly a month. I've had nearly round-the-clock duties visiting and caring for her, because my brother still works full-time. I think the assumption is that I'm home all day "doing nothing" (aka: on Disability), so it gets to be my job.

To be fair, he looks after her house doing all sorts of maintenance every day, even when she's healthy.

A Social Worker from the hospital asked me if my mum would ever be able to live with me. I know my mother doesn't want to live with me because she values her independence, but I almost laughed in the Social Worker's face.

I have Moderate Autism, ADHD, and CPTSD, and two strokes among other comorbid conditions. That's not to mention parenting dependent NDs. According to my paperwork I'm supposed to get "significant support" and social services, myself.

I told the Social Worker this and she didn't seem to have a clue about Autism or why it might interfere with my ability to save the world.

I'm just wondering if anyone else is at this stage of life, and how they manage to cope.

Thanks.



Twilightprincess
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22 Jun 2022, 9:30 pm

I’m not at this point yet, but I strongly suspect that I could be there soon. I’m not sure how I’ll handle it when the time arises. Hopefully, this thread will give me some ideas.

I know others who have enlisted the support of nurses and social workers, so they could enjoy their parents while they are here without being overly hampered with too much responsibility. It can be a challenge to find people that are appropriate and work with your specific needs, though.

I also know people who added a little apartment/suite on to their house so everyone could have their own space and as much independence as possible. I might buy a double house down the road. I think finding opportunities for boundaries is important.


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IsabellaLinton
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22 Jun 2022, 9:54 pm

I hope we get some good ideas. It's such a demanding time of life and there are no easy answers.

My mother is fiercely independent and very devoted to her home of 50 years. She refuses to leave it, and rightfully so. I don't blame her because it's a beautiful house but also holds a lot of memories. I'm realising more and more all the time that she is likely on the spectrum. She has sensory issues and reacts very negatively to change. She's extremely sentimental and would die if she ever had to leave her house for a care home. She's said flat out that she doesn't want to live at my house because it's not ... her house. I respect that.

Likewise, she refuses to have nurses or aides in her home because she doesn't like strangers (see: Autism ^ ), and it would cost a fortune to pay a private nurse. My SIL is actually a geriatric nurse yet my mum doesn't even want her to live there and take care of her.

That would leave the only option being me selling my house to live in her house. Then when she dies I guess I have to move out again to split the house asset with my brother. That's way too much commotion / change for me. She doesn't really want me there anyway. She's decided if she ever leaves hospital she'll stay alone in her house and die there by herself. In the meantime I'd need to go there almost daily to bathe her or whatever else needs done. She won't let my brother do that because he has a penis he's a man.

I like the idea of the shared accommodations if it works for all people. With all the neurodiversity (and pets!) in my family I just don't see how everyone's needs can be met at once.

It's hard enough going to hospital all the time. I can't even imagine how my life would look if she ever goes home.



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23 Jun 2022, 1:54 am

Ouch. A month in the hospital is a long time. I hope your mom recovers soon.

My mother had surgery for [reasons] so i flew out with the baby (leaving my husband to care for our other three kids, including the autistic one) to care for her for while she recovered.

I know she wants to live with me, but there truly isn't room (we've already got 6 people living here).

My dad is extremely disabled and has been for 20+ years. (My parents are divorced.) Luckily he has an aide who helps.

My husband's parents are thankfully doing well and still married, so they can help each other. They have another kid, but she lives far away, so if they need anything, it'll fall on us.

I often feel like we need a house with three separate MIL quarters...



Twilightprincess
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16 Jul 2022, 1:43 pm

How is your mother doing now?


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