The ONE Thing that Neurotypicals Want to Know About Autism

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Pteranomom
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06 Jul 2022, 4:33 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Sorry you go through that stuff. It would be very hard for me.

Thank you, Kraftie. You are very kind.
On the plus side, he is doing a lot better overall than he was about 6 months ago. So I have a lot of hope that he will keep learning ways to cope with this loud, messy, overwhelming world.

Though I'm not especially NT myself, to phrase things as the title asks, what I most want to know from my son:

1. What's wrong/what's upsetting you?
2. Why is this upsetting you? (I often genuinely do not understand. For example, do you dislike this shirt because of the fabric, or the picture?)
3. What can I do to help you feel better/cope? (Obviously a child may not know the answer, but I still try to find them.)



cyberdad
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06 Jul 2022, 6:28 pm

Pteranomom wrote:

Though I'm not especially NT myself, to phrase things as the title asks, what I most want to know from my son:

1. What's wrong/what's upsetting you?
2. Why is this upsetting you? (I often genuinely do not understand. For example, do you dislike this shirt because of the fabric, or the picture?)
3. What can I do to help you feel better/cope? (Obviously a child may not know the answer, but I still try to find them.)


If you find the answers then do let me know. Apart from external auditory triggers that my daughter hates (babies crying, sneezing. coughing and birds) she meticulously plans itineraries on the calendar. When the schedule doesn't follow the plan due to unforseen circumstances/events she gets confused, needs clarity (which can be explained to her) or she will get upset.

As she get's older she is much better at auto-correcting herself, developing her own coping strategies and gaining resilience. So hopefully with time your son will be able to help himself and won't need you to intervene on his behalf.



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07 Jul 2022, 4:38 pm

That some of us use up so much energy to avoid acting like this in unfamiliar or overwhelming situations:


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07 Jul 2022, 10:07 pm

We have feelings too, so don't try to play mind games with us.


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08 Jul 2022, 7:46 am

It doesn't matter.

Whether it's that blatant disregard for social norms, being fussy and sensitive and insensitive and 'acting' suspicious for being anxious or whatever crap triggers uncanny valley, anything about communication and words and crap about tone or voice.
Whatever trait. Whatever behavior. Whatever trigger.

So if there's any "one" thing an NT would want to know -- it's to solve them; it could be to just quell that stupid instinct that is uncanny valley, it could be just stop the screaming against sensory sensitivities, it could just be the ever infamous introversion.


I myself accept the fact that my family would never get it. They still love me, sure...
But there's no real understanding. There's no connection except being inclusive and being included as a "kin" and trust them well enough that they wouldn't single me out or abandon me for my differences.
They know I'm inconsistent, but don't know why. I chose not to burden them with whatever explanation or accomodations.
I choose not to obligate them with my diagnosis or any aspects of my identity that just doesn't conform theirs. Because I don't need that sort of approval nor validation from them... Or anyone.
And that I would have to also return the favor -- of them accepting me, thus I accept them back, whether there would ever be a time I understand them or not.

And I myself know a Sped teacher whom I know for years. We knew each other for years...
She herself, while passionate about autism and has years of experience of teaching related to that... Even fancies herself being in closer to the spectrum because she's a sensitive introvert though with an actual above average EQ...
... Yet she still needs a translation. She hadn't know much what it was like in the inside.
She's still in the mindset that autistics are actually NTs trapped inside the autism, sometimes slips into autism = dysfunctional at worse days.
She gets developmental milestones and other effects in a human fundamental like aspects -- part of her job and education -- but is yet to understand the world that is autism.
Lots of understanding -- intellectually, partially at best.
Yet thinks autism means being in a fricking bubble. So at the end of the day... Willing as she is, she's just another NT. :|


So should I expect an average person to accept or get it? Nah.
I don't need to. They don't have to.
I understand the hypocrisy of not wanting to have to know because I wanted to be on that side of hypocrisy myself.
And I understand the need to be understood.
Maybe that's just human, because it mirrors.


TLDR; it just doesn't matter to me.
To ask "why are you like this??"
Could mean 'what is wrong with you?!' or 'what happened to you?!'


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cyberdad
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08 Jul 2022, 10:12 pm

Edna3362 wrote:
It doesn't matter.

Whether it's that blatant disregard for social norms, being fussy and sensitive and insensitive and 'acting' suspicious for being anxious or whatever crap triggers uncanny valley, anything about communication and words and crap about tone or voice.
Whatever trait. Whatever behavior. Whatever trigger.

So if there's any "one" thing an NT would want to know -- it's to solve them; it could be to just quell that stupid instinct that is uncanny valley, it could be just stop the screaming against sensory sensitivities, it could just be the ever infamous introversion.


I myself accept the fact that my family would never get it. They still love me, sure...
But there's no real understanding. There's no connection except being inclusive and being included as a "kin" and trust them well enough that they wouldn't single me out or abandon me for my differences.
They know I'm inconsistent, but don't know why. I chose not to burden them with whatever explanation or accomodations.
I choose not to obligate them with my diagnosis or any aspects of my identity that just doesn't conform theirs. Because I don't need that sort of approval nor validation from them... Or anyone.
And that I would have to also return the favor -- of them accepting me, thus I accept them back, whether there would ever be a time I understand them or not.

And I myself know a Sped teacher whom I know for years. We knew each other for years...
She herself, while passionate about autism and has years of experience of teaching related to that... Even fancies herself being in closer to the spectrum because she's a sensitive introvert though with an actual above average EQ...
... Yet she still needs a translation. She hadn't know much what it was like in the inside.
She's still in the mindset that autistics are actually NTs trapped inside the autism, sometimes slips into autism = dysfunctional at worse days.
She gets developmental milestones and other effects in a human fundamental like aspects -- part of her job and education -- but is yet to understand the world that is autism.
Lots of understanding -- intellectually, partially at best.
Yet thinks autism means being in a fricking bubble. So at the end of the day... Willing as she is, she's just another NT. :|


So should I expect an average person to accept or get it? Nah.
I don't need to. They don't have to.
I understand the hypocrisy of not wanting to have to know because I wanted to be on that side of hypocrisy myself.
And I understand the need to be understood.
Maybe that's just human, because it mirrors.


TLDR; it just doesn't matter to me.
To ask "why are you like this??"
Could mean 'what is wrong with you?!' or 'what happened to you?!'


excellent post...I can never pretend to understand the autistic mind but as NTs we should practice unconditional love regardless
thank you for your thoughts