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How often do you get invited to things
Every day 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Few times a week 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Every week 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Few times a month 10%  10%  [ 2 ]
Every month 5%  5%  [ 1 ]
Few times a year 20%  20%  [ 4 ]
Once a year 10%  10%  [ 2 ]
Once in few years 30%  30%  [ 6 ]
Never 25%  25%  [ 5 ]
Total votes : 20

QFT
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24 Jul 2022, 6:15 pm

klanka wrote:
I meant the undergrad probably has better social skills.


Why do the social skills deteriorate with age?



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24 Jul 2022, 6:29 pm

Sometimes a situation arises that you maybe of service to someone in some way . Occasionally you can turn that
Into a situation that might breed friendships . Am always expecting that , it’s good to be on the giving end …
It on occasion can be that door that opens to a friendship . And practice being a ear for that person .

A business friend, today that I met for lunch , Very rare occasion , suggested I research something called transactional analysis . It sounded good so thought I would relay it here , Personally have no experience with it though.


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Jakki
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24 Jul 2022, 6:43 pm

…….
..


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24 Jul 2022, 6:47 pm

Something is off here my posts appear on feed then disappear, Even after reloading site ??. :evil:


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25 Jul 2022, 2:07 am

Jakki wrote:
Sometimes a situation arises that you maybe of service to someone in some way . Occasionally you can turn that
Into a situation that might breed friendships . Am always expecting that , it’s good to be on the giving end …
It on occasion can be that door that opens to a friendship . And practice being a ear for that person .


I've tried that a lot. I find it just leads to the person saying, 'great, thanks for your help!' and skipping off happily. They don't help me when I need it or become a friend. There is generally no reciprocity these days.


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25 Jul 2022, 2:10 am

QFT wrote:
KitLily wrote:
I've no idea what the rest of your comment means, I'm totally confused now.


Okay let me recap:

Me: Why don't people talk to me?

You: Because the internet took over

Me: If the internet took over, why do they still talk to each other?

You: They talk to each other because they made friends with each other a long time ago, before the internet came around

Me: Then what about college kids? Did they make friends with each other in high school? Its hard to believe: they went to different high schools after they gradated

You: We kept in touch over the phone back in the 80s

Me: I am not talking about kids in the 80s, I am talking about the ones today. According to your theory, the only two ways people talk to each other today are

a) Through the internet

b) Because they made friends in the past

But when I see college kids talk to each other in person, it doesn't seem like either of the two. Its not through the internet, because they are in person. And its not from the past, because its very unlikely they were in the same high school before they went to the same college. So if it is neither "a" nor "b" then it seems like they got to know each other in a normal way, here in college. Yet I don't have that privilege.


No, we’ve got our wires crossed.

I'm saying that because of the internet, people are less sociable. They socialise on the internet more now so they aren’t so good at socialising in person. In the 80s, 90s etc. people were much better at communicating because we were forced to do so, because there was no Facebook, internet etc. It’s gone downhill since.

These older people who are still friends have been friends for many years, they probably made friends before the internet came along and pushed people apart.

College kids made friends at college, they are the internet generation so they keep in contact via internet. Obviously they have to talk to each other at college and when they bump into each other outside.

I can’t really explain anymore, I don’t want to keep going over and over it, so I'm going to leave it at that.


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25 Jul 2022, 2:14 am

Jakki wrote:
Something is off here my posts appear on feed then disappear, Even after reloading site ??. :evil:


Me too. I know I commented on some posts yet my comments have disappeared...


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25 Jul 2022, 5:23 am

QFT wrote:
klanka wrote:
I meant the undergrad probably has better social skills.


Why do the social skills deteriorate with age?


When I was at college they could only support two undergrads and they both had good social skills. According to what you wrote the one you know was able to make friends easily, so probably has them too.

You have ASD and say you have difficulty making friends so your social skills are not as good.

I would say, in my experience, work and church are the best places to meet people for us with ASD. With me it tends to be a revolving door, where I'll be in contact with someone, because we get along, then lose contact after a few weeks.
There is usually a difference like an age difference, or they might have a wife & kids & full time job, so those things eventually causes the friendship to just dissolve.



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25 Jul 2022, 1:47 pm

KitLily wrote:
Jakki wrote:
Sometimes a situation arises that you maybe of service to someone in some way . Occasionally you can turn that
Into a situation that might breed friendships . Am always expecting that , it’s good to be on the giving end …
It on occasion can be that door that opens to a friendship . And practice being a ear for that person .


I've tried that a lot. I find it just leads to the person saying, 'great, thanks for your help!' and skipping off happily. They don't help me when I need it or become a friend. There is generally no reciprocity these days.


KitLily , have to say you are correct about the reciprocity issues …. In seems on many occasions. It’s almost as hard to have it happen , much less expect it ,as trying to find a friendship.


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26 Jul 2022, 5:36 pm

QFT wrote:
Lost_dragon wrote:
Hmm. Define social event. Are we including virtual events such as a video call or are we only including in-person meetings?


It depends on how it all started. If you first ran into each other in person and then decided to start meeting online, then yes. If you were looking for an online group, then no.

The reason I am saying this way is that I was not looking for online groups to begin with, so I have nothing to complain about. But as far as in person, I am out and about all the time so then yes: I can complain why don't people approach me.


In my case, it was the former - meeting in person and then moving online.


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31 Jul 2022, 11:45 am

QFT wrote:
klanka wrote:
I meant the undergrad probably has better social skills.


Why do the social skills deteriorate with age?


I think that would be more about flexibility...? Like, young people might be more likely to accept different angles on things and be more open to listening to views that differ from theirs, while older people are more likely be the "it's my way or no way" -type, so they have less options to socialize with?



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31 Jul 2022, 4:26 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
QFT wrote:
klanka wrote:
I meant the undergrad probably has better social skills.


Why do the social skills deteriorate with age?


I think that would be more about flexibility...? Like, young people might be more likely to accept different angles on things and be more open to listening to views that differ from theirs, while older people are more likely be the "it's my way or no way" -type, so they have less options to socialize with?


But on the surface one would think that if older people are less open minded they would be less forgiving of Asperger? Yet it seems to be the opposite.

Or could it be that the things they are less open minded about have nothing to do with Asperger. And, instead, those are the things that NT-s are more likely to screw up on (such as partying too much). And so, in old people's mind, I gain points by the fact that I don't get drunk like my NT peers do?



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01 Aug 2022, 5:08 am

QFT wrote:
Fireblossom wrote:
QFT wrote:
klanka wrote:
I meant the undergrad probably has better social skills.


Why do the social skills deteriorate with age?


I think that would be more about flexibility...? Like, young people might be more likely to accept different angles on things and be more open to listening to views that differ from theirs, while older people are more likely be the "it's my way or no way" -type, so they have less options to socialize with?


But on the surface one would think that if older people are less open minded they would be less forgiving of Asperger? Yet it seems to be the opposite.

Or could it be that the things they are less open minded about have nothing to do with Asperger. And, instead, those are the things that NT-s are more likely to screw up on (such as partying too much). And so, in old people's mind, I gain points by the fact that I don't get drunk like my NT peers do?


I think that the number of people who'd avoid someone just because they know the person has asperger is very low, be the people young or old. For most, it's only a problem if the person's asperger traits end up causing trouble for the said person. If one's traits end up causing trouble in situations that young people are usually found in, but not in situations old people are usually in, then it's natural that that person ends up more accepted around older people.

So yeah, it's not directly about asperger. Older people aren't any more accepting of asperger than younger, but the kind of behavior some aspies have tends to be found more acceptable by older than younger folk. Of course, there are some aspies whose behavior is more acceptable in the eyes of younger people than people their own age or older, too.



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01 Aug 2022, 11:20 am

Fireblossom wrote:
If one's traits end up causing trouble in situations that young people are usually found in, but not in situations old people are usually in...


But, on the surface, we are talking about the same situation: church. Or are you saying that they are thinking long term: as in, if they make connection with me in church, they would probably end up inviting me elsewhere, and the places where old people would invite me to, I would fit in, while the places young people would invite me to, I won't. And so young people don't approach me in church in order not to feel obligated to invite me to those other places?

Or could it, instead, mean that old people don't have any places to invite me at all since they don't go anywhere themselves? And so "the situations" that talking to old people would lead to would be that same church, while the situations that talking to young people would lead to would be all kinds of places besides the church. And since the church is the only place I fit in to thats why only old people approach me?

So are you saying its what I described in the first paragraph, or what I described in a second paragraph? Or is it something else entirely?

In any case, come to think of it, I want people to talk to me also because I hope it would lead to some situations outside the church. I mean, lets take a hypothetical scenario in which people did get to talk to me in church, but it were to stay in church. Would it make me happy? The first couple of weeks, maybe. But then after that, probably not. Ultimately, what "would" make me happy is if it were to grow beyond just church. And the reason I am fixating on church so much is that it would give me a tiny bit of hope that what if it were to expand outside.

So in this case the real root of the conflict is that I want to have a life (outside of church) and other people don't want me to have that life (since they don't think I would fit in).



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04 Aug 2022, 1:46 pm

QFT wrote:
But, on the surface, we are talking about the same situation: church. Or are you saying that they are thinking long term: as in, if they make connection with me in church, they would probably end up inviting me elsewhere, and the places where old people would invite me to, I would fit in, while the places young people would invite me to, I won't. And so young people don't approach me in church in order not to feel obligated to invite me to those other places?


Church, huh... well, yes, I think this is one possibility.

Quote:
Or could it, instead, mean that old people don't have any places to invite me at all since they don't go anywhere themselves? And so "the situations" that talking to old people would lead to would be that same church, while the situations that talking to young people would lead to would be all kinds of places besides the church. And since the church is the only place I fit in to thats why only old people approach me?


This one sounds possible as well.
BTW, what about people your own age? You talk about young and old people, but you yourself aren't really either age. Do fellow middle aged people talk to you in church?

It's also possible that some things are perfectly acceptable among old people, but not acceptable among young people. As an example: you complain a lot, right? The stereotype about old people is that they do too, mostly about their health problems according to it, so if we go by this stereotype, old people might find your complaining more acceptable than the young ones. When they hear you complaining about something a lot, they might think "oh yes, I do that, too." Young people, on the other hand, might complain about how their boss is annoying, how gas prices are too high etc. but according to what I've seen, they keep it at the surface level and only go to details when among trusted friends.
As an another example, it could be the way you look. Older people might care less if the person with them looks like they crawled out from a drench than younger people. Or they might have worse eyesight and not take note of these things because of it. You've been mistaken for a homeless person before due to your looks, right?

Quote:
In any case, come to think of it, I want people to talk to me also because I hope it would lead to some situations outside the church. I mean, lets take a hypothetical scenario in which people did get to talk to me in church, but it were to stay in church. Would it make me happy? The first couple of weeks, maybe. But then after that, probably not. Ultimately, what "would" make me happy is if it were to grow beyond just church. And the reason I am fixating on church so much is that it would give me a tiny bit of hope that what if it were to expand outside.


People have to start out somewhere though. How about, if you do make friends in the church, you invite them to hang out outside the church? That way they can become your friends outside the church, too, and they might introduce you to others who don't come to that church you go to.

Quote:
So in this case the real root of the conflict is that I want to have a life (outside of church) and other people don't want me to have that life (since they don't think I would fit in).


Not quite. Unless someone has a personal reason to hate you specifically, they're unlikely to wish for you to not have a life. It's more likely that they don't care if you have one or not, as long as it doesn't cause trouble to their life. Some might even wish you to be happy, but not so much that they'd risk their own happiness by interacting with you.



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22 Sep 2022, 7:11 pm

One interesting thing I've noticed: Quite a few of us on here get invited to social events; we simply don't want to go.

I know it's easy for us to feel like a pariah. But if the outside world wants to go out with us (socially), maybe we're not pariahs after all.

For many of us, our lack of a social life is our own choice.