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How often do you get invited to things
Every day 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Few times a week 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Every week 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Few times a month 10%  10%  [ 2 ]
Every month 5%  5%  [ 1 ]
Few times a year 20%  20%  [ 4 ]
Once a year 10%  10%  [ 2 ]
Once in few years 30%  30%  [ 6 ]
Never 25%  25%  [ 5 ]
Total votes : 20

QFT
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15 Jul 2022, 2:49 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I've never been very social. I'm referring to basic things like family weddings and baby showers,


The word family, does it apply to weddings only, or does it apply to baby showers too? In other words, when you were invited to baby showers, was it only by family members or no?

As far as family, I am the only child, both of my parents are only children. By father died, all four of my grandparents died. I have third cousins in Russia, but I haven’t seen them in ages as they are in Russia and I am in USA. And no, my mom doesn’t marry or have baby showers.

But the question is why don’t people outside my family invite me to baby showers. Were they inviting you?

IsabellaLinton wrote:
retirement parties for colleagues,


Since in my case I am in school, those would be graduation parties.

But no, I am not invited to graduation parties.

So how come you were invited to retirement parties yet I am not invited to graduation parties?

IsabellaLinton wrote:
or neighbourhood barbecues where everyone on my block was invited.


I live in a dorm so it doesn’t apply to me as of now.

But then the question is: how come when I rented a house I haven’t heard of block parties? If they weren’t happening then it’s fine. But if they were, but I weren’t invited, that’s the problem. What is the probability of each of those options? How many percentage of blocks have block parties? Are people who rent invited, or just the landlords?

IsabellaLinton wrote:
When my kids were young I was in a mothers' group at church and some of them wanted to get together at other times, but I nearly always cancelled.


I don’t have kids so I won’t be part of those groups.

I was part of singles group few years ago and the leader of a group invited everyone to his place. But it doesn’t count since the invite applied to the whole group rather than just some people.

What about your case, were those invites also directed at everyone in the group or just to some people?

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I had a couple of good friends at work and we sometimes went to a movie,


See, I don’t have any friends at school and nobody invites mo to a movie.



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15 Jul 2022, 9:22 am

It feels better to to say , have stopped making public appearances …. Often I have to consider what allowances
They or me , might have to make to be able to attend events ? . And any resulting stresses., but most all my friends have passed on . Covid has been a good excuse .But have been invited to two inperson events in the last few years . And have attended to at least one , One in a about 20 yrs . Much peer pressure to drink often in the past :jester: .. and am, Not normally a drinker . :wink:
Takes a lot to get me to go to a social event these days. And usually need to keep my mind prepared for disappointment. :|
And possibly keeping my mouth shut . 8)
,but keep a smile :) , if I do attend , And watch NT interactions. Possibly learn something :nerdy: .Hopefully the food or snacks might be good.

Got an invite to Ice cream Social….AFRAID I do not know how or what is a ice cream social about ? But do know the people putting it on , And they are not close to me, and usually I consider them a two faced lot :roll: . But sometimes It can be interesting to watch NTs in their natural habitat . 8O .


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Last edited by Jakki on 15 Jul 2022, 9:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

1986
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15 Jul 2022, 9:29 am

Once in a few years and I'm happy with that. Early midlife has too many obligations, so if I get some time to spare I want it for myself. The plot twist is that I actually never get any time to spare.

I socialised much more in my teens and young adult years, so I'm kind of "been there, done that" about all things social and don't need much more of it until I'm senile and need someone to water my plants.

EDIT: To the OP, I "invited myself" all the time in those early years. Sure, it might've come off as rude many times but I'm ashamed to admit that at least I got something out of it. I'd like to think my presence wasn't completely unwanted, though. But I hanged out with people who quite open-minded, so it depends on your social context.



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15 Jul 2022, 11:35 am

QFT wrote:
Since several of you asked, with family it’s complicated. In my specific case, family doesn’t count since my mom is overprotective so “of course” she would take me along. But it’s her being invited, not me.


So if it's an invitation out of obligation, it doesn't count? And if someone else is invited and that someone else (like your mom) takes you along, then it doesn't count, either?

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a) If the reason they didn’t invite me is because I don’t invite them, then yes, inviting them would be the most logical way to “fix” this


How do you know it's not the case?
Also, I should probably clarify that just inviting someone somewhere and them coming won't matter if you turn out to be unpleasant company, like when you throw temper tantrums. The point of inviting someone somewhere with you is to show them that yes, you can be pleasant company. If you show them the opposite then of course there will be no invitations back.

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If the reason they didn’t invite me is anything else, then no, inviting them won’t make any sense. In fact, their behavior indicated they don’t want to spend time with me, so if I were to decide to invite someone I would rather invite someone other than them


Yes it will. Inviting them tells them that you'd like to spend time with them, so at the very least they won't assume as easily that you're someone who just wants to be alone. Also, in case you make people dislike you (by throwing tantrums, complaining too much etc.), you can try to mend things with them by inviting them somewhere. Assuming that they agree to come, of course.

Quote:
Now, when you gave me the advice that yiu did, was it because

(i ) You assumed that lack of initiative on my part is the most likely reason I didn’t get invited

or

(ii) You knew it’s probably other reasons, but you disagree with my philosophy about “fixing the cause”


I don't see how either of these would rule the other out. I do think that you'd get invited to more places if you yourself put more effort in to it, but "fixing the cause" by being a more pleasant person to be around is sure to help, too. Do both and it'll increase your chances more than just doing the other.

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I invited someone in my Bible study to my church. Surprisingly, he started coming there regularly. I say surprisingly cause it’s Messianic church and he wasn’t, at least not until I invited him. Yet, when he started coming, he didn’t give me credit: he just said I was instrument of God. And, more importantly, he invited his friends along, yet he didn’t invite me to lunch with them. Now, two likely reasons are.


Not quite sure how church groups work, but if one doesn't need recommendations from earlier members to come or anything, I don't see why he should've given you any credit about it. All you did was tell about the place.

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—- as far as 1, I can’t undo the past. So it’s frustrating to face the consequences of the past I can’t undo


Criminals can't undo their crimes either, yet they need to face the consequences of their actions, too. If you know what kind of things that you do push people away, then work on fixing that instead of complaining how frustrating it is to have to take responsibility of your own actions.

Quote:
As far as 2, he could have told me he was coming and then I would have come too. Yes he came that one time right away (without his friend) but why didn’t he tell me he was continuing coming?


Did you ask him to tell you if he'd continue coming?

Quote:
—- When I finally did come, why didn’t he used occasion to introduce me to his friends? As it happened he sat closer to me than his friend, yet he didn’t bother inviting me along after the service.


How close were you with that guy before inviting him to that group? If you'd just met him briefly, it's could be that he didn't even remember who you were anymore after there'd been a break. Plus, even if he did remember, it's by no means unusual or unfair for people to want to go out with their friends and friends only without adding randos to the group. Also, did you try to start a conversation with them or introduce yourself? If no, then why not? Why should that other guy have done all the work for you?

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How many invitations you received indicates other people’s opinion of you. How many you accepted does not. That’s why the former is more important than the latter.


Not quite. There's also a middle ground: being invited not because people want you around, but because they feel they're obligated to invite you.

Here are a few examples:

During elementary school, I didn't get as many birthday party invitations as the other girls in the class. But when I did get invited, usually all the other girls from our class had been invited, too. So, it's likely that I was invited out of obligation rather than because I was a wanted guest.
The same happened to my sister in the sense that she wanted to leave one of the girls in her class out of her birthday party because that girl bullied her, but mom said that she can't single out just one girl, so she ended up inviting her despite not really wanting to. In other words, invitation out of obligation.

Weddings. I've been to three weddings in my life: my half sister's, and the wedding's of two cousins. The half sister was obviously obligated to invite me due to social rules. The cousins wouldn't have, but they had decided to invite their every cousin, so by deciding that it was every cousin, I fell in to that category as an obligation. If one of my other cousins threw a wedding and only decided to invite some cousins and I was among them, then it would be a genuine invitation.



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17 Jul 2022, 1:52 pm

Masking takes much energy along with much of these events . 8O


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17 Jul 2022, 5:30 pm

QFT wrote:

The word family, does it apply to weddings only, or does it apply to baby showers too? In other words, when you were invited to baby showers, was it only by family members or no?

As far as family, I am the only child, both of my parents are only children. By father died, all four of my grandparents died. I have third cousins in Russia, but I haven’t seen them in ages as they are in Russia and I am in USA. And no, my mom doesn’t marry or have baby showers.

But the question is why don’t people outside my family invite me to baby showers. Were they inviting you?



I can't remember, but I think they were always family. Being invited to a baby shower doesn't mean much though. Let's be honest, the people hosting the event are hoping to get gifts so they invite lots of people (usually but not always women). The whole point of the event is to invite a lot of people and get a lot of gifts. Sometimes I barely knew the mother-to-be but they were a distant relation, or else my mother was going and I was expected to tag along.

Some people enjoy them but from what I've experienced most guests find them an inconvenience to their weekend. They hate the small-talk and hate not knowing what to wear. I didn't even want to have baby showers when I was expecting, because I feel like it's rude to expect gifts from people, or to expect people to go out of their way for me.


QFT wrote:

Since in my case I am in school, those would be graduation parties.

But no, I am not invited to graduation parties.

So how come you were invited to retirement parties yet I am not invited to graduation parties?


Most of the retirement parties were held at my workplace or in a small venue on the property.
These were held immediately after the workday.
Everyone was invited and there was an expectation from management that we would all attend.
It was very hard to say no or get out of them even though they cost money.



QFT wrote:

How many percentage of blocks have block parties? Are people who rent invited, or just the landlords?



These block parties were 30 years ago. I think they were more common back then but I don't see them happening anymore. They were usually hosted by people with swimming pools. It was never a personal invitation but rather a notice in my letter box. It was all homeowners and not renters. There aren't any rental accommodations in my area.

When I first moved into my neighbourhood I also got a pre-printed notice inviting me to a "Women of __________ " (neighbourhood) group which supposedly happened once a week at someone's house. The women took turns sharing recipes and talking about lady things (not sure what those are, tbh --- but it sounded like bloody hell).

I never went to one and had absolutely no interest in gossip with neighbourhood women. I don't believe in socialising according to gender or other social constructs, and I didn't want to become part of a clique. I'm sure they wouldn't have accepted me anyway since I'm a little countercultural.

QFT wrote:

I don’t have kids so I won’t be part of those groups.
What about your case, were those invites also directed at everyone in the group or just to some people?



I don't remember. I think it was for everyone. I remember going to the home of a woman who was married to a doctor. The house was really big and sunny and there were lots of women I didn't know. That suggests it was open to everyone including women I'd never met. I got a stomach ache from all the sunlight and left as quickly as I could. It wasn't my vibe at all.


QFT wrote:


See, I don’t have any friends at school and nobody invites mo to a movie.



I worked for almost 30 years.
I went to maybe four movies.

You haven't missed much.



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17 Jul 2022, 7:26 pm

Not usually


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23 Jul 2022, 5:28 pm

Hmm. Define social event. Are we including virtual events such as a video call or are we only including in-person meetings? Video calls are fairly frequent, often I'll hang out in a group where everyone will be doing their own thing (such as one person will be working on a project, another might be playing a video game). We sometimes share our screens if it's relevant to the conversation. The game nights are fun, where we'll all play an online game together and talk about the game.

However, in-person meetings are significantly less frequent. I'd say, roughly, a couple of times a year we'll all meet in person. I'd meet up more often if I could, but I have long work hours and I can't drive yet (I'm going to start lessons soon though) so I'm limited. That's why it's easier to see which of my friends are online and hang out virtually in the evenings and weekends.

Admittedly I do need to get out more (outside of work).


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23 Jul 2022, 6:40 pm

Lost_dragon wrote:
Hmm. Define social event. Are we including virtual events such as a video call or are we only including in-person meetings?


It depends on how it all started. If you first ran into each other in person and then decided to start meeting online, then yes. If you were looking for an online group, then no.

The reason I am saying this way is that I was not looking for online groups to begin with, so I have nothing to complain about. But as far as in person, I am out and about all the time so then yes: I can complain why don't people approach me.



klanka
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24 Jul 2022, 10:00 am

Have you worked on your appearance?



QFT
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24 Jul 2022, 10:33 am

klanka wrote:
Have you worked on your appearance?


Depending on what you mean by this. I was not getting shaved or getting haircut for months, then finally did this. So I thought that was a change. But then I wasn't keeping up on this as I still weren't brushing my hair or my teeth, etc. I was just relying on the fact that I got my haircut few weeks ago so it is not as bad as it used to be.

But even if I do try to do it on a regular basis, what can I do about all the years that were lost? If I couldn't socialize with people in their 20-s back when I was younger because I didn't work on my appearance back then, then I want to socialize with them now so I can make up for it (since -- unlike everyone else my age -- I can't say "been there done that"). But, unlike the appearance, the age can't be dealt with by taking a shower.

Well I guess people did tell me I look younger when I shave. But will I look that much younger so that I could make up for the part of my life that I lost? On the one hand, in the past I used to look younger than my age, so lets hope I still do and its my beard that hides it. But on the other hand, I don't think I ever seen anyone mistake my age nowdays if I were to shave and stuff. So maybe I aged in some other way in which I didn't used to in the past.

In any case, the topic of the poll asks "were you get invited, period" it isn't asking "were you invited by any specific age group". So if I get 40 year olds to invite me, that would certainly be better than if nobody invites me at all (and yes 40 year old invite, or even 50 year old invite, would count as far as this poll is concerned). But it is still sad to permanently miss out on something without being able to make up for it.



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24 Jul 2022, 10:42 am

If you havent been brushing your teeth you might need them fixed at the dentist, they can pretty much fix anything these days.



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24 Jul 2022, 10:43 am

klanka wrote:
If you havent been brushing your teeth you might need them fixed at the dentist, they can pretty much fix anything these days.


I been to dentist last spring.



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24 Jul 2022, 11:43 am

I can't remember the last time I was invited anywhere. Probably 20 years ago? People usually look through me, I think I must be invisible.

The last social occasion I organised myself was 2008 when I was 40. The last lovely event I had surrounded by my friends. So that was...15 years ago?

When I was young I was invited places however. That was pre-2001. Long before The Internet took over.


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24 Jul 2022, 12:28 pm

KitLily wrote:
When I was young I was invited places however.


That makes the difference between your situation and mine. I haven't been invited when I was young, either.

You see, in your case, you didn't miss out on anything NT-s have. NT-s socialize when they are young and stop socializing when they are old. You did the same, on both accounts. But in my case, I missed out on something NT-s have: NT-s socialize when they are young, and I didn't. Thats why I want to socialize when I am old to make up for it, yet I can't due to my age.

KitLily wrote:
That was pre-2001. Long before The Internet took over.


Some other people also told me that internet could be part of it. But I am not buying it. Because when I walk around, I see people socializing in person. If everyone were to just stare into their laptops, then I won't be complaining. The whole point of my complaining is that I see people socializing IN PERSON with each other, just not with me.

Or are you saying they all met each other through the internet somehow and then took it in person later?



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24 Jul 2022, 2:06 pm

If I did not read threads like this , I try to let this situation go un noticed in my normal life .
Used sometimes to dwell on it long ago and just want to sit down and cry…but the net has been a great help these last few years .


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